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Old 02-02-2008, 05:58 PM   #1
lord-nihilus
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Darth Nihilus Chapter # 1:Hunger for life

Darth Nihilus standed on the bridge of his flagship Ravager. Below the peaceful world filled with blind species and jedi secretly meeting at their enclave,then everything got wrong; Miraluka´s felt the disturbance in the force as did jedi. In seconds they noticed that earth was shaking below them Buildings collapsed and all flora and fauna died they saw giant gaping vortex of hunger that took tornado like form. It swallowed all the life force near sight and rended the flesh of all organic lifeforms. Vandar Tokare, grand master of the jedi felt life force stripped away from him he saw the fellow masters Zhar, Dorak and many jedi knights collapsing the floor and the last thing he heard was the yell of a giant vortex of hunger which fed Nihilus´s insatiable appetite. Nihilus on the bridge felt all the power of the jedi masters absorbing to his stomach of energy; he felt that all life on that planet was created to feed his unimaginable hunger, when every last soul was sucked out of planet Nihilus descended to planet of Katarr. Nihilus walked upon the surface of the planet that was only minutes ago habited and blushed. He kept vortex alive just in case somebody was alive, then he felt it; a faint vibration in the force: he left towards the destination where the vibration got more powerful. When he arrived to the collapsed building he saw a young Miraluka woman she was trembling with fear and barely alive. Visas Marr awoke in medical room; she had no idea where she was. She walked across the chabers
of this unknown place. Everywhere where she walked she smelled mold, she arrived to the round elevator and started ascending doors opened and Visas stepped out she felt powerful precence coming from room nearby she followed the call of power to the massive steel door. Door opened and Miraluka stepped into a huge hall with massive windows all over then she realized: she was in spaceship! She walked across bridge to the very end where she saw black figure with two meters standing she felt that something was drained from her she stepped back and feeling went off then she walked
closer to the monstrous character "Where am i?" she asked figure did not respond but she heard in her head the hissing what Visas felt she understood. Visas stepped forward and figure turned around. She saw through the force a horrible gaping maw covered by white scull like mask. Monster smelled rotten, his robes were filled with mold and holes she heard his
thoughts: Must feed...Hunger....,then she looked more closely and saw clear human face behind the mask with no eyeballs just a black sockets like a rest of the man. Visas looked around and saw men before control panels, she saw their faces; they were rotten and their clothes had been nearly peeled away.
Ravager jumped to the hyperspace towards to the new places for nihilus to feed.

end of part # 1
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Old 02-02-2008, 06:09 PM   #2
Darth Kalverys
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Ok... When your writting a story like this, you need to make complete sentances... don't leave out any words like:

Wrong: John destroyed plant.
Correct: John destroyed the plant.

And also, ALWAYS capitalize the letter I if it's alone.

Quote:
"Where am i?" she asked...
That should be capitalized. Also, always capitalize names... in the last sentance, Nihilus wasn't capitalized. Also... space between paragraphs... as it gets cluttered other wise, and when someone new speaks always make it a new paragraph.

ie

Malak destroyed the planet and left it for dead.

"Sire... We must dispose of the world." Saul said.

"Destroy the entire planet then. Crush it into the dust." Malak replied.

I know... it's a bit tedious... but it'll make it better over all, plus it'll stop people from saying stuff like this in the future.

All in all, it's a pretty good fic... you just need to elaborate more as well as what I mentioned earlier. Keep writing.

Edit...

Sorry, I didn't notice this earlier... in the first sentance, it shouldn't be standed, it should be stood.

Last edited by Darth Kalverys; 02-02-2008 at 06:19 PM.
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Old 02-02-2008, 06:12 PM   #3
Rev7
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I agree, Rueben just got here first. There were some pretty good descriptive words in that first part. Overall, good job so keep writing!

BTW---Welcome to LucasForums!!

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Old 02-03-2008, 06:25 AM   #4
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tryin´ to make better stories. Sorry about mess
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Old 02-03-2008, 02:02 PM   #5
HIGH ON PIE 14
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This story has alot of potential. I like your descriptions and found it quite an interesting read.

As previously said just make sure to use complete sentences and paragraphs and avoid run-on sentences. Nothing an edit would not fix.

I'm looking forward to more and welcome to the CEC!



Viva La Resistance!
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Old 02-03-2008, 03:46 PM   #6
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THX!
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Old 02-05-2008, 10:06 PM   #7
Tysyacha
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Nihilus, do you speak Russian by any chance?
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Old 02-05-2008, 11:22 PM   #8
The_Catto
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First of all: Welcome to the CEC. I hope you like, nay, love, it here. Because I do

OK, now ... I'm taking a guess that English may not be your first language? Nothing wrong with that, if it isn't; the words used and how they were used, just put across that idea to me whilst reading your story. There are a lot of really good writers and readers here and you can ask for a Beta-Reader if you like to help you with your story.

I like Nihilus, he's more of a favorite to me than Sion, and I fear that he is most underrated. His power is beyond measure, of course.

Rueben has already spoken of the problems that lie with this Fic so I will not go in to any more of that, just this: good luck and I hope to see more of your work around the CEC

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