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Old 02-02-2008, 06:03 PM   #1
lord-nihilus
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Darth Nihilus Chapter # 1:Hunger for life

Darth Nihilus standed on the bridge of his flagship Ravager. Below the peaceful world filled with blind species and jedi secretly meeting at their enclave,then everything got wrong; Miralukaīs felt the disturbance in the force as did jedi. In seconds they noticed that earth was shaking below them Buildings collapsed and all flora and fauna died they saw giant gaping vortex of hunger that took tornado like form. It swallowed all the life force near sight and rended the flesh of all organic lifeforms. Vandar Tokare, grand master of the jedi felt life force stripped away from him he saw the fellow masters Zhar, Dorak and many jedi knights collapsing the floor and the last thing he heard was the yell of a giant vortex of hunger which fed Nihilusīs insatiable appetite. Nihilus on the bridge felt all the power of the jedi masters absorbing to his stomach of energy; he felt that all life on that planet was created to feed his unimaginable hunger, when every last soul was sucked out of planet Nihilus descended to planet of Katarr. Nihilus walked upon the surface of the planet that was only minutes ago habited and blushed. He kept vortex alive just in case somebody was alive, then he felt it; a faint vibration in the force: he left towards the destination where the vibration got more powerful. When he arrived to the collapsed building he saw a young Miraluka woman she was trembling with fear and barely alive. Visas Marr awoke in medical room; she had no idea where she was. She walked across the chabers
of this unknown place. Everywhere where she walked she smelled mold, she arrived to the round elevator and started ascending doors opened and Visas stepped out she felt powerful precence coming from room nearby she followed the call of power to the massive steel door. Door opened and Miraluka stepped into a huge hall with massive windows all over then she realized: she was in spaceship! She walked across bridge to the very end where she saw black figure with two meters standing she felt that something was drained from her she stepped back and feeling went off then she walked
closer to the monstrous character "Where am i?" she asked figure did not respond but she heard in her head the hissing what Visas felt she understood. Visas stepped forward and figure turned around. She saw through the force a horrible gaping maw covered by white scull like mask. Monster smelled rotten, his robes were filled with mold and holes she heard his
thoughts: Must feed...Hunger....,then she looked more closely and saw clear human face behind the mask with no eyeballs just a black sockets like a rest of the man. Visas looked around and saw men before control panels, she saw their faces; they were rotten and their clothes had been nearly peeled away.
Ravager jumped to the hyperspace towards to the new places for nihilus to feed.

end of part # 1
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Old 03-10-2008, 09:39 AM   #2
Bee Hoon
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I'll start by stating the obvious; this is a very short fic. I also note that you submitted this really early...it would have been better for you to just hang on to it for a while and add more body to the story! The content of the fic also does not really address the topic of "The Things We Do for Love".

Mmm, while individual characters are always open to interpretation, I feel that a character like Nihilus will not be thinking so, for the a lack of a better word, coherently. He is the very personification of hunger, and thus saying things like how he kept the vortex alive in case of survivors is pretty inconsistent with the nature of his being. It would be more likely that he would simply and instinctively drain any Force user which he encountered.

I'm also not too hot on describing the ship as smelling of mold as any organisms can't really grow on bare metal, but I'm nitpicking here Not to mention that I wonder how Visas saw right through the mask unless it's transparent, lol. Btw, it's good to try to distinguish his thoughts from the general text, e.g. using italics There's some language errors here and there (e.g. presence not precence, chambers not chabers)

Lastly, I really don't know what to make of this sentence:/
Quote:
Originally Posted by lord-nihilus
Nihilus walked upon the surface of the planet that was only minutes ago habited and blushed.
I hope that you don't take this too hard, as I don't mean offense, I just want to point out where you can improve. Keep writing! Practice makes perfect



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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