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Old 03-04-2008, 11:59 PM   #1
Lordjedi
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[FIC] Battle of Dxun

This Fic is about the Mandalorian Wars about the battle of First Battle of Dxun
Chapter One
"Charge, Charge trooper" said the Jedi General. As Mandalorian and Republic Soliders blades clashed. As the Republic Commander charged into battle Mandalorian Elites were to powerful for them. The Commanders requested Jedi...and quickly. As the Jedi General (The Exile) Fought through the Battle Jedi Knights like General Revan and General Malak went on to breach the main Mandalorian Base, where there was something.....somethings powerful Revan sensed.
As the rough weathers of rain became more firece Revan sighed as he could not open the Blast door to the Structure in their Mandalorian Base.
The Jedi General had still been clashing his saber with the Mandalorians, but all of a sudden Mandalorians came riding Basilisk War Driods. The Republic stood no chance, and had no chocie but to escape.
Revan and Malak had already killed every Mandalorian in the Base but where to surprised to find an elite Mandalorian who was highly praised behind them. His uniform was unquie with a different style of Mask. He was a tought oppenent for them but Revan and Malak managed to defeat him. Revan walked towards the body, Malak didn't know what was going on. "We need to breach the door Revan. NOW" said Malak. "Be patenice" said Revan. As Revan came towards the body and took the unquie mask. "I will keep this mask" said Revan. "It has unquie design, and offers a fair amount of Protection". "As you wish" said Malak.
As Revan and Malak open the Blast door Revan pointed out the control center and the Chambers/Quaters. "Stand behind me Malak" said Revan. As they opened the quaters doors they found nothing. For some reason all the power went out and the doors got closed. "What's going on" asked Revan "Like I know" said Malak. The roof door had opened. A basilisk apporched them. Revan used all grenades he had to destory the vehicle but no luck. As Revan felt more and more anger he finally had destoryed the Beast with a power he had not know about yet. "What is this power"? asked Revan. Revan had felt a voice in his head saying it was Force Lightning. "Kreia?" Asked Revan *silence*
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Old 03-05-2008, 12:03 AM   #2
DeadYorick
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Hmm nice Clffhanger. But I would recommend not posting in big paragraphs since it is easier on the eyes to post in much smaller paragraphs. Just double space every time someone speaks


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Old 03-05-2008, 01:17 AM   #3
Lordjedi
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Thanks.
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Old 03-05-2008, 11:42 PM   #4
Rev7
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Helpful! 
Good job, but I noticed some spacing errors in the dialouge. For example:

"We need to breach the door Revan. NOW" said Malak. "Be patenice" said Revan."

It should be,
"We need to breach the door Revan. NOW" said Malak.

"Be patient" said Revan."


You need to start a new "paragraph" so to say when someone else is talking. Other than that, great job, and I look forward to more!

~Rev

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