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Old 03-26-2008, 10:50 AM   #1
Astor
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[FIC]A Jedi on Nar Shaddaa

Hi everyone. This is my first serious attempt at writing fiction of any kind (unless you count running RPG adventures), so I thought i'd share it and see what people think.

It's probably not the best in the world, and it's fairly short, but I think it's a good start. So without further ado...

EDIT: Cleaned it up and added a little bit more

A Jedi on Nar Shaddaa

Astor walked uncomfortably, in a flight suit a size too big, down one of the alleys in the Red Sector of Nar Shaddaa. He didn’t like disguises. But he knew that as soon as anyone heard tell of a Jedi on the Smuggler’s Moon, his prey would disappear. So, for now, the suit would have to suffice. ‘Disguises, infernal things’ he thought as he glanced at the bag slung over his shoulder. His lightsaber was in there, meaning that it was difficult to use if presented with a challenge.

In its place, at his hip, hung a large blaster pistol. He didn’t have the same objections to blasters as others in the Order did - he had in fact found them quite useful on countless occasions. But a blaster pistol was not as effective at convincing large groups to back away from a fight.

He thought about Arril. He and his apprentice had needed to split up, and now he wondered whether she had reached her goal. He couldn’t feel her through the Force, but his instinct told him she was safe. How safe, he couldn’t be sure, but he was confident that she wasn’t in any immediate danger. He dismissed such thoughts. He was sure that she would remember his training, and keep a cool head.

It was difficult for him to center himself here. The abundance of life and energy he could feel was affecting his connection to the Force. His prey had known this after all, that was why they were here – it was the best place to avoid Jedi interference.

He kept walking, past all kinds of people – Freighter crews, market sellers, all different species, all different personalities. It was a most unsavory area - as evidenced by many of the populace of the moon and their various depravities and vices.

“Hey Human!” a tortured, guttural form of Huttese cried out from behind. He turned, to see a small group of people walk towards him. The leader, he could only guess, was the large Nikto brandishing a small knife towards him, backed up by a Twi’lek and a scrawny Rodian. He straightened up to meet them.

“Can I help you, Gentlemen?” He said, in as nice a manner as he could muster. Keeping his eyes on the lead, he reached out with the Force to keep a watch on the other two.

“The bag. Hand it over, or you might not get where you’re going” the lead said, as he raised the knife to Astor’s face. The light from a nearby sign caught the blade, and reflected in the Nikto’s small, black eyes. The other two started forward, slowly. Astor readied himself, reaching out into the Force to gather strength.

It would have been easy to convince them to go away, but Astor didn’t feel it would work. That, and he wanted to get some practice with that blaster…

Last edited by Astor; 03-26-2008 at 03:59 PM.
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Old 03-26-2008, 11:00 AM   #2
Inyri
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The content overall is good. Some grammatical mishaps make it a hassle to read, though. For instance:
Quote:
He didn’t have the same objections to blasters as others in the Order did, in fact he found them quite useful on countless occasions, but a blaster pistol was not as effective at convincing large groups to back away from a fight.
This is technically a run-on sentence and a comma splice. The "He didn't have the same objections..." and "in fact he found them..." sentences are both independent clauses and shouldn't be combined with a comma. What I would do is combine them this way: "He didn’t have the same objections to blasters as others in the Order did -- in fact he found them quite useful on countless occasions -- but a blaster pistol was not as effective at convincing large groups to back away from a fight."

Quote:
It was difficult for him to center himself here; due to abundance of life and energy he could feel.
This is an improper use of a semi-colon. "Due to abundance of life and energy he could feel" is not only a dependent clause, but it's a little awkward as well. You might want to try "It was difficult for him to center himself here because of the abundance of life" and add in any other frillies you want like "that were swirling around his senses" or whatnot. Up to your writing style.

Overall I'd say just go over it with a fine-toothed comb and clean it up for readability. Also you don't need so many commas -- that's a painful lesson I learned in college.

Also, just FYI, the name of the moon is "Nar Shaddaa," and "the Force" is always capitalized (for whatever reason). Those are just my nit-picky comments.

Overall, though, I like where you're headed.

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Old 03-26-2008, 11:09 AM   #3
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Thank you for your input, Inyri. I've always had problems with the things you've picked up on (especially overuse of commas) and as a result English Literature was never a strong point in school.

I wasn't sure about the name (although, what I really should have done was just open up TSL and see ), and the 'Force' thing did bug me for a while - I wasn't sure if was capitalised or not.

That aside, i'm glad you liked the story

And any tips or pointers, even nit-picky ones are welcome!
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Old 03-26-2008, 11:12 AM   #4
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Don't worry about the commas too much. That's an 'English teacher' thing of me to say -- I still overuse them in my own writing to get a natural flow going. Although I would say yours were a little excessive to the point of making it read a bit choppy... find a happy medium. You don't need to have them A+ term paper perfect.

Psst... I spelled Nar Shaddaa wrong for years. For a while it was Nar Shadda, and then it was Nar Shadaa, then I realized they were both doubled...

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Old 03-26-2008, 12:45 PM   #5
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At least i'm not the only one who gets the spellings mixed up...

There we go... tidied it up a bit and changed one or two things. I think it reads a bit better now.

Okay, here's part two:

Part Two

Arril Tinn held her breath as she approached the large, odorous Gammorrean bouncer outside Jax’s. She could barely understand the squeals it made that passed for it’s language, but she heard enough to make out the words ‘Wot joo wont?’.

“I am the new waitress” she said, waving her fingers gently, using the Force to add emphasis and make it more believable.

“Yoo can enta” the creature squealed back, as it pressed the door control. The sound of a pulsing, rhythmic beat filled Arril’s ears, forcing her to stop and refocus herself. She looked around. It was a busy bar, if not the most pleasant she’d seen. She looked to find the bar. The barkeep, a Devaronian, looked up at her with a customary toothy grin as she approached.

“I am your new waitress” she said as she removed the long coat she had been wearing. The Devaronian looked her up and down. She was wearing much less than she was accustomed to, so little in fact that in the core it would be considered inappropriate and distasteful.

“So it seems… Human” If his statement hadn’t shown his distaste for human females, the look on his face certainly did.

“Very well, you can start now” He handed her a tray filled with various drinks, and a small datapad, presumably for taking orders.

Arril didn’t like tasks such as these – she’d much rather have just entered the bar, and arrested their target. But Master Kaine had reminded her of the implications of such behaviour. ‘Do not always seek the quickest route to a solution; as such routes often lead to the Dark Side, young apprentice’. Still, there were times she’d wished he was the one wearing almost nothing. At least he got to wear something.

It was then she saw him – their target. It had to be him. With one hand, she reached for her lightsaber. And then she remembered it wasn’t there.

'Wait for me'. She heard her master's voice in her head, and set about serving drinks...

Last edited by Astor; 03-26-2008 at 01:20 PM.
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Old 03-26-2008, 09:00 PM   #6
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Not bad at all. I think that you have made a pretty good start. I really didn't see any mistakes in part 2. Well, good job, and make sure to keep writing!!

BTW-- Welcome to LucasForums!!

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Old 03-27-2008, 09:37 AM   #7
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Thanks for the welcome Rev

Part 3


Astor’s hand hovered over the handle of the blaster pistol. The Nikto, who had threatened him, stood still, waving his knife around. Astor noticed the other two had maneuvered behind him, presumably to restrain him while their friend went to work with the knife.

He realized that he would need to act quickly to resolve the situation. He planned it out in his head… He was confident he could do it. He just needed to wait for the right moment. The Nikto blinked. That was it, now was the moment.

He spun around, drawing his blaster pistol. With his left arm he delivered a downwards blow to the Twi’lek’s neck, forcing him downwards. As he did so, he aimed the blaster pistol at the Nikto’s hand and fired.

A bolt of bright red energy erupted from the barrel, and burned a hole in the Nikto’s hand. He dropped the knife, screaming in agony. The final assailant, the scrawny Rodian, stood quivering after seeing his two friends immobilized. He simply let out a yell, and ran screaming down a side alley.

Astor looked down at his opponents. The Twi’lek had merely been caught off guard, and was now looking up in terror at Astor. The Nikto was still screaming at being shot.

He looked down at the floor, and picked up the knife. “Didn’t your parents ever teach you not to play with knives?” He said absently as he turned away. He threw a credit chip at the Twi’lek. “Get your friend some medical attention. And find a new career” he added with a slight wave of his fingers.

He continued walking down the street, turning a corner where he found the place – A vibrantly advertised bar, with a large, green bouncer…
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Old 03-27-2008, 07:44 PM   #8
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Good attachment...keep up the good work. One question though, is this a short or long fic? I noticed that you are using "Parts" rather than Chapters...

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Old 03-27-2008, 07:55 PM   #9
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I'm pretty much writing bits as I go along... that's why i'm using parts - it's more for my own memory than anything else really.

I'm glad you like it, the next part will update the situation with Arril in the bar, and probably see the two hook up.
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Old 03-27-2008, 07:59 PM   #10
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Oh, I didn't realize that Arril was on Nar Shaddaa too...tells you how much I know... , anyways, take your time with the next part.

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Old 03-27-2008, 10:16 PM   #11
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Welcome to the forums! Since Inyri is here, I shall jump right in as well:P *creepy stalker laugh*

Quote:
Originally Posted by Astor_Kaine
It would have been easy to convince them to go away, but Astor didn’t feel it would work.
Ooh paradoxical! Only requires minor editing though, so no biggie.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Astor_Kaine
Still, there were times she’d wished he was the one wearing almost nothing.
Lol, nice one. I think she would wish it all the time while she is in her skimpy clothes:P

Quote:
Originally Posted by Astor_Kaine
A bolt of bright red energy erupted from the barrel, and burned a hole in the Nikto’s hand.
This definitely can be polished up. Bright red energy doesn't sound very nice. I can't give you an alternate now (since my brain is simply popping out some random dormant physics), but I'm pretty sure that judging from your style thus far (which is pretty good!), you can do better than that Burning a hole-> seared right through flesh and bone? Just a suggestion, but do play around with words and see what you like best.

All I can say is that those muggers are obviously newbies in the crime world >.< I like to end my fights quickly as well as they really are not my forte, but if the muggers have to be so...hapless, you may as well have Astor acknowledge it, perhaps by simply murmuring "Greenhorns..." or something to that effect.

Keep writing and most importantly, have fun!



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 03-28-2008, 10:15 AM   #12
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@Bee

Thanks for the advice. The 'burning' thing was the only thing I could really think of when it came to blaster damage - that was the only way I could see it. After all, you see blaster burn holes in duracrete walls all the time in the movies - so I figured it would have a similar effect on flesh. I'll tweak a bit later...

And with regards to the thugs - It is Nar Shaddaa, after all - and it's population isn't renowned for the being the smartest in the galaxy
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Old 03-28-2008, 10:20 AM   #13
Bee Hoon
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Take your time Inspiration is a dreadfully fickle thing. Sometimes trying to phrase something right drives me nuts.

Lol, fair enough. And they're probably all woozy from spice or some other mind altering substance:/



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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