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Old 03-29-2008, 10:44 PM   #1
Tysyacha
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Post [Badfic] Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest

Author's Note: This is the sequel to "I'm Here for the Party". Enjoy--NOT!

Okay, whose bright idea was it to banish half the peeps of Taris--or at least 20%--to the crappiest ghetto this side of Craptown? I mean, the Undercity sucks, and it reeks, too. Bastila's definitely not down here, the Jedi bimbo. For all we know, she could be getting a manicure at one of the salons in the Upper City, laughing at us while we go on this pointless rescue mission. If I ever get my hands on her, I'll--wait a minute. Got to focus here, y'all.

Hey, Carth, come up here behind me and get your crew-cut head in the game! Rakghouls at six o'clock! Charge up that blaster! I swear, if I get poisoned one more time I'm closing the city gates behind old Onasi here. He's about as useful as a hole in my vibroblade. I honestly pity the fool.

So, where do we have to go in the Undercity to find this pad--er, pod? Leave me alone, beggars. You guys look like your clothes spent too much time in a krayt dragon's mouth and not enough time in the washer. Oh, man! Where's that stank coming from over there? It's the sewer...let me guess, we have to go in there. No? That's a relief. The less crawling through filth, the better.

"Help! Help! You've got to help me! Big Z's been captured by slavers!"

Hey, y'all, back up. This Twi'lek chick who's running up to me is Mission Vao. She's holding-cell bait if you ever saw it, that's for sure. I'd hook up with her if it wasn't for her age and the fact that she's as dumb as a--well, a dancing girl. Don't get me wrong, she's pretty and all, but if it comes to brains, I think even Carth would be smarter. Big Z, the one she mentioned, is a Wookiee.

"Hold up, Mission. What's wrong? Can't you see me and Carth are busy here?"

"You have to help me! I just told you Big Z's been kidnapped! By slavers!"

Yeah, I heard that part. "Um, what does that have to do with us?"

Mission put her hands on her hips. Come to think of it, she doesn't have any.

"If you guys don't help me find Big Z and rescue him, I won't help you find the escape pod you're looking for--or Bastila. Take it or leave it. Deal?"

"No d--"

"Deal." Dang it, Carth, you're always trying to be the hero when you could get both of us killed. You're not even a Jedi, and that makes you even more annoying! Silly fools like y'all end up in a cryobox somewhere, waiting to be sent into space on your 'final voyage', so to speak. Risk your own hide, pal!

Ugggh. Why didn't I just stun Carth with the hilt of my vibroblade? There's nothing down here in these sewers except poo, more poo, stank, and waste water. Oh, and Gamorreans. I hate those things, with their big axes! They're good practice for later, though, when I have to fight the Sith.

Ewwww, what was that? A severed arm? I've got to get out of here.

Rrrrrr. "Big Z!" Looks like Mission's found her target and accomplished her--mission! Hih, hih, hih. Let's blow this place before more Gamorreans hear us. If I'm dumb for going down here, then Carth is even dumber. He's the one who got us into this mess--literally. My combat boots are totally ruined.

Rrrr-rrrr. What? Life-debt? Now I've got a pet shag rug? It should be Mission you're pledging yourself to. If it hadn't been for her and her little skinny legs and her little tiny brain, the slavers would have had you. Probably put you to work cleaning this place up, and I can't say I'm sorry they didn't.

Dumb, dumber, and dumbest--three stinky saps on their way out of the sewer. If Bastila ever finds us, or if we find her, she'll have to hold her nose.

Last edited by Tysyacha; 03-29-2008 at 11:11 PM.
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Old 03-29-2008, 11:51 PM   #2
HIGH ON PIE 14
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Good stuff! Thats pretty much the average irritated gamers thoughts. And while I like Mission, you've hit the nail on the head with both her and Carth. Nearly fell out of my chair reading this. I really hope you do more of these. Theres plenty to make fun of in KOTOR. Good work!

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Old 03-30-2008, 12:20 AM   #3
Bee Hoon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tysyacha
Where's that stench coming from over there?
Corrected Lol, this is hilarious! Revan is just so disdainful, and poor Mission really gets the short of the stick in this fic.. Relatively. Nice one!



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 03-30-2008, 12:38 AM   #4
Hawkstrong16
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I F-ing love it!!!

I hope you make more, and you really did hit Mission and Carth right on!


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Old 03-30-2008, 01:05 AM   #5
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Very funny! I too, hopw that you make more.

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Old 03-30-2008, 01:58 AM   #6
Tysyacha
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Glad you liked it, everyone. *giggle* Don't worry, Anus-Hole Revan will show up again!
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Old 03-30-2008, 02:04 AM   #7
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Good. These fics can really 'brighten' your day if you aren't having a good one. Not that I am not having a good day or anything, they jus tgive you a great laugh. On that note, keep up the great work Tysyacha!

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Old 03-30-2008, 10:33 AM   #8
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Quote:
"If you guys don't help me find Big Z and rescue him, I won't help you find the escape pod you're looking for--or Bastila. Take it or leave it. Deal?"

"No d--"

"Deal." Dang it, Carth, you're always trying to be the hero when you could get both of us killed. You're not even a Jedi, and that makes you even more annoying! Silly fools like y'all end up in a cryobox somewhere, waiting to be sent into space on your 'final voyage', so to speak. Risk your own hide, pal!
What Revan should be.


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Old 03-31-2008, 04:38 AM   #9
The_Catto
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Great work, Tysyacha. I needed a laugh!
It was an awesome read. Can't wait for more of 'your' Revan's adventures!!!

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Old 04-02-2008, 05:39 AM   #10
Ferc Kast
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After playing KotOR many times, this was very cool to read. I personally liked the following line from this:
Quote:
Yeah, I heard that part. "Um, what does that have to do with us?"
It seemed truly in-character for Revan to say that.

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Old 04-02-2008, 12:29 PM   #11
Tysyacha
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If you like my work, please also read my three serious fics: "Vremya" and "Radi Dvyx" (the first two installments in a series), and my Legacy of the Force fanfic, "Vincible". They are drama pieces, and I've been trying to attract more attention to them. Thanks for reading, and I hope your comments continue to flow fast and free!
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Old 04-05-2008, 03:13 PM   #12
mur'phon
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*Looks at fic*
*Looks at own parody fic*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!











Great work, despite killing my fic.


Checking out seems not to do much.
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