lfnetwork.com mark read register faq members calendar

Thread: [Fic] The Wrong Path
Thread Tools Display Modes
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Old 03-31-2008, 06:10 PM   #1
Darth Visillius
Rookie
 
Darth Visillius's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: FT Hood TX
Posts: 44
[Fic] The Wrong Path

This story takes place at some random point between the Revan/Exile thing and the Rise of Darth Bane.

I've started working on what will inevitably follow it, and if people are happy with what I've currently posted I'll continue with fic 2 of the story.

anyways, thank you for reading, I really appreciate it.


THE WRONG PATH


The two of them walked forward with caution, both igniting their light sabers.

“He’s here, I can feel his presence.” said Marcus.

“You’re right, Marcus, the force is tainted in this area. I can feel the darkness. It’s so strong.” Said Karla.

“Remember your training, Karla,” Marcus started. “we must remain at peace, or he will destroy us.” He finished.

“I know. It’s just that he’s a perversion of the Force. I don’t understand how it is he still lives.” Karla said. “It scares me.” She finished.

“Yes, you’re right. But we must remember the Jedi Code. We must remember what our masters taught us.” He replied.

The ship seemed barren, and the only thing drawing them to it was the cold, dark, hatred they felt through the Force. The Republic had won a great victory this day, probably one big enough to end the war. They had stopped the Sith in the Outer Rims, before they had time to attack Coruscant. They could all feel the end of the war. Unfortunately, Darth Morte was still out there. They hadn’t been able to stop him. He was a perversion of the Force, but they had taken down his ship, and now they believed they had him trapped. Marcus and Karla were two of the Academy’s brightest Apprentices, and the Council felt as though they were ready to take on the harrowing task of searching him down.

Initially, it had been their mentor, Master Vixius who was to be tasked to do it, but a Jedi Master would have been a prime target for the Sith. Marcus and Karla, however, had pretty much gone unnoticed and unpestered in their trek, only running into a few rabid boma’s and a Tarentatek in one of their most recent encounters.

“He has to be close” Karla said.

“It’s definitely him, the power of the Dark Side is strong here, and I can feel it focused in a core area. I just can’t locate that area.” Marcus replied.

They turned a corner in the what-seemed-abandoned war-ship, and saw a trio of Sith Commandos. Before the Commandos had time to turn around and greet their intruders, Marcus and Karla leaped into battle, Karla quickly dispatching the one to their immediate left. Marcus wasn’t’ so lucky. He had just gotten to his intended target, the one on the right, when the final one saw him and pulled his blaster. He fired upon Marcus, who had time to change his attack path to deflect the blaster bolts, but that left him vulnerable to his intended prey, who pulled out a vibroblade and set to attack the Jedi. Fate smiled upon him this day, however, as Karla quickly recovered from taking out her prey, and used the Force to push the Commando out of the way.

Karla quickly ran past Marcus as she finished off the Sith Commando who nearly ended her partners life, and Marcus, grateful for the turn of events set to attack the one who fired upon him. Using the Force as a battering ram, he sent his opponent flying. He then used the Force to push himself to his opponent, and hilt bashing him with his light saber.

“That was close.” Marcus said. “Thank you for saving me.” He finished.

“There is no coincidence, Marcus, there is only the Force.” She replied. “I do feel, however, that this evil presence is taking up to much of our focus.” She finished.

“You’re right,” he said “these Commandos should never have been this much of an issue for us.” Marcus said.

“We still have much to learn. I see why we are still Apprentices” Karla chimed in.

Slowly they continued about the battle worn-and-destroyed war-ship, this time spreading their focus to encompass any life that was inhabited by the ship, and not just the dark presence they both felt.

“I don’t feel anything else.” Marcus said.

“Neither do I.” Karla replied.

They came upon a door, which they couldn’t open. Marcus tried to use his light saber to open it, but something prevented him from getting close enough to the door to stab it. Karla found an over ride console and proceeded to slice the system which was just operational enough to let her open all the security doors and lower all the shields.

“Where did you learn that?” Marcus asked, impressed.

“When I lived on Nar Shadaa, before I joined the Order, my father did it for a living. He kind of taught me how.” Karla said, as they walked toward the door.

“Good thing for us he did, then.” Marcus finished, as they opened it.
As they entered the next room, they saw a figure kneeling in the middle of what was unmistakably a meditation chamber.

“That must be him” Karla whispered.

“You don’t have to whisper, Jedi, I know you’re here.” The figure said, remaining where he was.

“Then you know why we have come, then. The war is over. You have lost.” Marcus said.

“Perhaps.” The figure said. “It’s a possibility. But even if that were the case, the Sith would merely retreat, regroup, and come back stronger. It is the way of the Galaxy, you know. The Sith attack, the Republic try desperately to push us back. And in each and every one of these encounters, do you know what happens?” The figure said, still unmoving.

“They are pushed back? The Republic has more time of peace before you monsters attack us again?” Karla said.

“No, no. Nothing so simple. You are right though, in a way. But do you know who leads this new assault? This new attack on the Republic?” He asked them.

“One of your own. One of the many who fell during the last war. One of the Jedi who ‘wasn’t loyal enough’ to your precious Council.” he said, chuckling slightly. “It’s ironic, really, that the Jedi try so hard to be the voice of reason, the spurring of peace and harmony, when in reality, it is a part of them they must keep peace against.” He added.

“You’re wrong. The Order does everything it can to help the Republic. Even if that means they feel it more wise to stay out of the affairs of those around them.” Marcus said.

“Look at you. So righteous, so just. The Jedi wait, as you say, because they cannot wage war. The Jedi, in their infinite wisdom and their Code understand that war leads to death, and that death leads to emotion. The Jedi try and preach peace and harmony, that there is no death, that there is only the Force. But in this, they don’t take into consideration the strength of bonds. Bonds that are formed through running around a forest, fighting the Sith. Fighting the Mandalorians, fighting. . .whoever it is that should try to usurp the republic next. When one of those Jedi falls, what happens? He becomes one with the Force? Rarely will you see a group of Jedi who have fought together, who have killed together, not mourn the death of one of their own. It is one of the flaws of you Jedi. Of the Republic. The Council understands that their must not be an emotional tie. That you should not grieve, for grief leads to sadness, sadness leads to emptiness, and emptiness leads to the need for vengeance. And do you know, little Apprentices, where vengeance leads to?” He asked, finally standing up.

They both just stood there, taking in what he was saying, trying not to listen. Trying to remember everything they had been taught.

“This, my little Jedi, is just one of the many paths to the Dark Side.” He said. “And it is because of this that the Council is so hesitant when the call for war is sounded. And it is for this reason that the next Dark Lord of the Sith will be one of your own.” He said, turning around.

He wore black robes, which covered the light battle armor he wore. The hood of his robes was pulled over to cover his face.

“You-You’re not Darth Morte.” Marcus said.

“What gave it away?” The man said, dryly. “Is it the fact that I don’t wear the Mask of Morte? Yes, my master has become rather well known for that damned thing, hasn’t he?” The man finished.

“If you’re not Darth Morte, than who are you.” Karla asked, in bewilderment.

“I am his apprentice, Mewta Lader.” The man replied.

“If you’re his apprentice how come you haven’t accepted the Darth name?” Marcus asked, curiosity getting the best of him.

“Well, to be honest, Darth Lader wouldn’t sound right, but for the sake of argument lets just say I haven’t fully proven myself, and either I will lure you to the wonders of the Dark Side, or I will kill you. Ultimately the choice is up to you.” Mewta Lader said.

“I guess we have no choice then.” Karla said, reigniting her light saber.

“Yes…so it seems.” added Marcus, reigniting his as well. “We were hoping maybe you would come back to the Council with us.” he finished.

“Small chance of that.” Mewta Lader said, reaching to his belt to pull his light sabers.

“You will come back to the Council with us, Mewta Lader, because you can’t possibly hope to defeat us both.” Karla said, smiling smugly.

“We shall see, Jedi, we shall see.” He said, as he as he pulled down the cowl of his cloak.

He had a scar that ran from the corner of his left mandible to his right temple. It was a grotesque looking thing, but Marcus and Karla refused to be distracted by it.

Mewta Lader ignited his light sabers as he awaited his foes.

Marcus came in first, to what he thought would be Mewta Laders off-hand. Mewta Lader effectively parried his first slash, and twisted around with his other blade in an attempt to catch Marcus off guard. Marcus anticipated the slash and promptly jumped out of the way. Marcus crouched, sweeping his leg out in an attempt to knock Mewta Lader down, which Mewta Lader jumped over. Marcus, however, followed with his light saber, making Mewta Lader parry the attack, setting him slightly off balance.

Karla came in from Mewta Laders other side, hoping to quickly and effectively end the combat. Mewta Lader parried her attack, and got his balance. He had one on either side of him. They efficiently started to attack him showing great cohesion, and Mewta Lader was hard pressed to defend against them.

Karla and Marcus thought that the more they attacked him the more he would tire. But it seemed as though the opposite was happening. The more they attacked him, the more he seemed to be revitalized. The more he seemed to enjoy the moment. The more they attacked him, the more they kept up their flurry, the more he seemed to be enjoying the moment. Mewta Lader was a master of the blade, soaking in the adrenaline and the eerie calm that battle gave him. The further and deeper he delved into the lustful abandon of kill or be killed, the more free he became.

At the moment he didn’t know this, but The Force was even then channeling itself through him, revitalizing and filling him with the calming hatred that he knew would inevitably lead him to victory. It’s an old technique, one perfected by Freedon Nadd thousands of years ago. The ability soaked the minimal energy that Karla and Marcus were expending, and fed Mewta Lader with it.

Karla felt that she was weakening due to this, and called upon the Force to try and stop Mewta Lader in his tracks. Mewta Lader felt the distinct tingling of manifested Force, and set himself to block it. Mewta Lader hated when his opponents so abruptly tried to call the Force into a fight. Especially if he was out numbered. It sorely took away from the joys of combat, and it killed any real happiness he could have gotten from it.

Mewta Lader responded in kind, calling the Force to act as a wave and send them both flying from him. Karla was prepared for the counter attack, but Marcus wasn’t. Marcus went flying across the meditation chamber and hit the wall hard, sliding down it, only to remain at the bottom, unconscious. Mewta Lader turned his full attention to Karla.

“Join me, Jedi. Embrace the power of the Dark Side. Surely you’ve wondered how you can’t beat me. How I’m superior to you not only with the blade, but also with command of the Force.” Mewta Lader said.

“I cannot.” Karla said. “I won’t.”

“You have one last chance, Jedi, or I will take your life.” Mewta Lader replied.

“No, no…” Karla said. “Kill me then, but I will not fall to the Dark Side.” Karla finished.

“Oh, young Jedi. There are far worse things than death.” Mewta Lader said, as he round housed her to the chin.

“Watch carefully, Jedi.” He smirked, as he walked over to the unconscious Marcus.

“Watch as I take away your life. Watch as I kill the one you love.” He said.

“But I’m a Jedi, I don’t love!” She screamed.

“And that is why you will fall, pitiful Jedi. You will stand idly by and do nothing as I kill the one you love. And then you will feel remorse. You will feel grief. And then, you will feel the need for Vengeance. And with the need for vengeance, you will fall. You will accept the Dark Side if only to try and kill me.” He said, as he grabbed Marcus by the hair, and lifted him up.

“NOOOO!” She screamed. “Kill me instead. Please, kill me instead!” She said, as she started to cry. As she realized that Mewta Lader had known what she had not. That she did indeed love Marcus.

“Please, kill me instead” She said, in between sobs.

“In killing him, in ending his pathetic life, I am killing you. I’m killing two Jedi as I plunge my light saber through his heart. I’m sending one back to the Force, and I’m sending one on a path to the Dark Side. But either way, tonight, both of you cease to exist.” Mewta Lader said, as he stabbed his light saber through the torso of Marcus, turning it, and ripping it out to the side.

“NOOOOOOOO!!!!” Karla screamed as she tried to get up. She couldn’t move, however, the gruesome sight of watching the man she loved killed right before her eyes made her immobile. She kneeled there, 20 feet away from him, her eyes wide in horror and her mouth agape.

Mewta Lader chuckled despite himself.

“You Jedi are all the same. You’re all weak, you’re all sad. Come, Jedi, and find me when you have truly embraced the path you know you must. Embrace the Dark Side, and we’ll fight again.” Mewta Lader said, as he left, laughing at the weakness of the Jedi and their flawed and revered Code.

THE END!


In the absence of orders, find something: and kill it.
--General Ramal

Last edited by Darth Visillius; 04-01-2008 at 03:12 PM.
Darth Visillius is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 03-31-2008, 08:34 PM   #2
Rev7
I'm a Mage
 
Rev7's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 3,208
Current Game: CoD 5 WaW; Skate 2
Helpful! 
I must say that it wasn't bad at all! I thought that it was actually pretty good. I just noticed some puncuation errors, and I think that I have some advice for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth Visillius
The two of them walked forward with caution, both igniting their light sabers.
“He’s here, I can feel his presence.” said Marcus.
“You’re right, Marcus, the force is tainted in this area. I can feel the darkness. It’s so strong.” Said Karla.
“Remember your training, Karla,” Marcus started. “we must remain at peace, or he will destroy us.” He finished.
“I know. It’s just that he’s a perversion of the Force. I don’t understand how it is he still lives.” Karla said. “It scares me.” She finished.
“Yes, you’re right. But we must remember the Jedi Code. We must remember what our masters taught us.” He replied.
I noticed several mistakes in this 'scene' , so to say. Not with the content, just the puncuation. The easiest way to show you would be to revis it myself:
Quote:
Originally Posted by my edited version
The two of them walked forward with caution, both igniting their light sabers.
“He’s here, I can feel his presence.” said Marcus.

“You’re right Marcus, the force is tainted in this area. I can feel the darkness. It’s so strong.” said Karla.

“Remember your training, Karla,” Marcus started, “We must remain at peace, or he will destroy us,” he finished.

“I know. It’s just that he’s a perversion of the Force. I don’t understand how it is he still lives.” Karla said. “It scares me.”

“Yes, you’re right. But we must remember the Jedi Code. We must remember what our masters taught us,” he replied.
Notice that I double spaced. You don't have to do that, I just personally think that it looks neater. Just remember that when a new person in the story (any story) talks, you have to start a new paragraph.

Some advice that I would give you is to split up the action paragraphs into, maybe two or three paragraphs. It is just easier to read, and makes the fic more appealing, IMO.

I think that you did a great job, and I personally would love to see the sequel. I really do think that you did well. I hope that you don't take offense to the advice that I well-gave to you. Please see it as positive advice. Take whatever you want from it.

Rev7 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 03-31-2008, 10:39 PM   #3
Darth Visillius
Rookie
 
Darth Visillius's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: FT Hood TX
Posts: 44
Thanks for teh advice, Rev7. Any feed back is positive feed back in my book. I'm glad you enjoyed the fic, and I'll revise it a little later.
Anyways, thanks for reading and stay posted, the new one should be around shortly.


In the absence of orders, find something: and kill it.
--General Ramal
Darth Visillius is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Go Back   LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > [Fic] The Wrong Path

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:13 AM.

LFNetwork, LLC ©2002-2011 - All rights reserved.
Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.