[Badfic] The Big Swoop-id Race
(Author's Note: In a popular World of Warcraft video on YouTube, the overeager paladin Leeroy Jenkins leads his guild to certain death with his famous battlecry (a.k.a. his own name). One of the guild members sighs and says, "Leeroy, you are just stupid as he77," expressing his pure frustration. If this story isn't "stupid as he77", I haven't done my job right. This is the 3-quel to "I'm Here for the Party" and "Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest." Enjoy!)
Schyah. I wander all over Taris with stupid Carth and stupider Mission and Zaalbar, and guess what? I've found Bastila, but I'm supposed to win her in--get this--a swoop race. Not a battle, not a brawl mano-a-mano, not even a good old-fashioned game of pazaak. A SWOOP RACE. Can you imagine anything more inane? I mean, what good is it to know how to drive a bike around and around a stupid oval track at exceedingly high rates of speed? No Sith to slash, no droids to duel, not even another smelly Gamorrean. Figures.
So I'm supposed to get set up with this guy named--oh, who cares? Brejik is supposed to be the bad guy here, a Black Vulkar, but how "bad" is he if he sets up a swoop race to lure me out of the woodwork like a roach and try to smash me before I get Bastila? He's a coward, and the other guy, too. If I had my way, Brejik and I would be smashing each other's skulls, but since when has anyone ever asked me how I want this to play out? Huh? Huh?
So, here I am in this stupid Black Vulkar base, killing everything and everyone in sight. Oops, except that hot slave waitress I'm going to hook up with later. There's this swoop bike part I'm supposed to try to get, and that's just one more hurdle in this puerile game of "rescue girl". Hey--what kind of word is "puerile", anyway? There's the part, and uh-oh--gotta fight some more...
Vroom, vroom! Here I go for my practice run! Everybody cheer for me, now! Hey--stang--sheez, this is harder than I thought--why am I slowing down? Ouch, I just hit a barricade! Stupid malfunctioning swoop bike! What's my time? Five minutes and two seconds?! You've got to be KIDDING me. What happened to that swoop bike part that was supposed to make me invincible? What? You're telling me I have to do this AGAIN? Too bad I can't fight you...
Okay, I got myself down to a decent time and--wait a minute--is that Bastila?
She's in a cage. I thought she was a Jedi. Aren't Jedi supposed to be cage-immune or something? Jedi don't seem to be all they're cracked up to be. She is hot, though, which is some small consolation, considering the humiliation I just had to go through. Bad seed, untameable beast, on a kriffing swoop bike!
"I was only pretending to be incapacitated. I could have escaped myself."
Then why DIDN'T you, you Jedi bimbo?! I swear, you're even dumber than Mission. At least Mission has the sense to get out of scrapes if she CAN. I'm going to go find Itreya. She has half a brain, even when she's all tanked up on juma juice. Where would she be? Either at the cantina, or patrolling the streets--although without her Sith uniform, maybe not. Mmm...uniformless...
Come on, Carth. Bastila. Mission and Big Z. We've got an escape to plan, so what the Force are we doing hanging around this dingy old apartment for? What's that? We have to go see a Mandalorian who could kill us in 2 seconds?
Sounds like a plan! This time, I'm letting Bastila and the other 4 talk to him.