Author's Note: I've decided to add a "wild card" to the mix of characters in order to replace Juhani in my superbly crafted chronicle. Can you guess her? (Hint: She appears in the very first installment, "I'm Here for the Party"...
I can't believe this. What did I ever do, in the name of the Sith, to deserve this punishment? I mean, I'm stuck with a bunch of idiots who are supposed to try and stop the Sith and everything, but they're as incompetent as Hutts!
I mean, Carth is like, "Nyagh! Trust no one--oops, my blaster's uncharged."
And Bastila is like, "I'm a Jedi, far more capable than you peons." Uh--NOT.
And Mission and Zaalbar are like, "Hee, hee, hee! I'm so sneaky!" "Rrrrrgghhh."
WHAT--DID--I--DO--WRONG?!?! I swear, if I ever get off this planet alive, I'm dumping all the rest of them at the nearest low-income spaceport. Either that, or they're all taking a long walk out the airlock. 'Cept for maybe Bastila. Got to give her some credit--she is hot, despite all her delusions of grandeur.
Anyway, we're at this cantina, and ooohhh--there's a guy I'd like to duel! He looks stronger than the Four Space Stooges put together, Jedi included. He says his name is Canderous Ordo, and if I'm not mistaken, that's Mandalorian for "bombad son-of-a-schutta." Finally, someone who makes a lick of sense!!!
"If you want me to help you escape Taris, then we'll have to get a ship. The vessel of my boss, crime lord Davik Kang, should do quite well for all of us."
We get to steal something? Sweet! So much for your morals, Jedi Princess! In this game, you've got to do whatever you have to do to survive, so who cares if I get a couple of Dark Side points from sneaking into places and shooting stuff? Mission seems to understand this, as dumb as she is, so why don't you? Your attitude is what makes you ugly even if you're hot.
"I'm going to tell Davik he's got a new recruit. That'll get us to his estate."
You know what? Maybe I'll just ditch the lot of them and go work for Davik instead. How bad could it be? At least you'd get some thugs at your side who know how to fight. This time, I got goodie-goodies who know how to gab. All except for Canderous. He looks like he scrapes do-gooders off the bottom of his steel-plated combat boots. If I ever beat him in a fight, he'll polish mine.
La, la, la, la--stupid mansion--if I ever see the geek who turned this crib into a dungeon crawl, I swear I'll put 17 blaster holes through his head. I mean--
CAVE = GOOD (especially Sith cave)
MILITARY BASE = GOOD (especially Sith military base)
SECRET DROID FACTORY = GOOD (keeps this game's rating at Teen level)
POSH PAD OF CRIME LORD = WHAT THE FORCE WERE YOU THINKING?!?!?
So, here I am fighting droids and keeping Davik's thug goons at bay. Seems he's going to have quite a bit of trouble cleaning all the blood out of the carpet, not to mention droid motor oil. Oh, well. I ain't the maid. Bastila is.
Hey--what's this? A secret room full of Twi-lek slave girls and--oh, SWEET!!!
"Hey, there...it's Itreya. The Sith fired me after I left my uniform at the party. Now I'm stuck here, but I can't say I don't like it. Phew! Uh--there's a sanisteam waiting, and if you need help applying the cleansing lather, I'll--!"
Pause the game. Pause
PAUSE IT PAUSE IT PAUSE IT!!!
Ahhh...that's MUCH better! I don't smell like a Hutt anymore, and there's a hot Sith, er, ex-Sith--laying her head softly on my shoulder. This is the life! One more thing remains--turn Davik Kang into a Davik Kang Kabob. Here I go!
"We're here to take your ship. Get lost--ow, ow, stang, don't do tha-a-at...
"Uhh...Carth? How many times did I die?"
"Last time I checked, you booted seven reloads, entered one cheat code."
"Stang!!! Uh, how many times did YOU die?"
"Fourteen. I sure wish Bastila or somebody had the Revitalize skill."
I told you Jedi were useless. Bastila told me she died exactly ONCE. Schutta.
Oh, Sith, now the whole planet's blowing up! Darn that Darth Malak and his wasteful disregard for surplus hot girls! And guys, for that matter. Like me. Gotta get on the Ebon Hawk. Sorry, Davik Kang, but you went DOWWWN!