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Old 05-19-2008, 03:40 AM   #1
Shato Khan
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[FIC] The Lost Tales Of Revan

This is all cannon exepct Revans background and Gentic compastion so LS male Revan and LS female Exile who's name is Aria Starlight.




As The Ebon Hawk came out of Hyperspace Atton Rand tensed, an audience before the senate. He still was nevous even though he was being welcome as a hero, he just couldn't shake off the felling that something bad was going to hapen....

Three hours later
It is our order and your solem duty to participate in this mision in witch your goal shall be to rescue the Jedi Master Revan under the leadership of Admiral Carth Onasi. The rest of the orders were the usual The fate of the Rebulic blah,blah,blah.
Atton had been sure something bad was going to hapen, he was right.

On a planet far far away
Revan flung off his cloak and ignited his lightsaber, with a hiss the green blade snaped into life, and he was in the air he landed next to one of the sith he swung his blade round and decapitated the foul creature with one blow. He force pushed three others into a blasted building, for the first time he saw truly saw the battleground, a long narrow street full blasted and crumbling houses. In an epidemic of pain something burst from his back, spraying blood in every direction.

Revan vs Belgarion who would win.........

Last edited by Shato Khan; 05-19-2008 at 04:43 AM.
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Old 05-19-2008, 08:51 AM   #2
Bee Hoon
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Hello there First off, this is very, very short. There are numerous spelling errors, so I would suggest typing the story in Microsoft Word, or anything that can give you a little nudge when you've misspelled something. Even Mozilla Firefox can spot some typos!

It may just be an introduction, but it still would be good to update the readers. Why is the Republic threatened (for only the 1284318478th time in its history, sheesh. They should come up with something less perishable:/)? Why is Atton still in possession of the Hawk? Where is the Exile? Being tensed all the way from the landing pad until he sees the Senate would be quite improbable, since it would take a lengthy period of time. Getting ordered to save the republic is not quite a disaster (well, from Atton's point of view, that might be debatable), but Atton definitely would be annoyed by having to follow Carth's lead, which is something you can explore. Don't just tell us what the characters are doing; tell us why, and how they feel about it!

An epidemic ( a rapid spread of disease?) of pain is not quite the description that I would use, but the battleground sounds interesting. Where is it? How did he get caught off his guard? Did he lose consciousness?

I do hope that I don't come across as too harsh, because I just thought that some constructive criticism would be helpful. I would like to hear what happens in your own version of Revan's story, so keep writing!

The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 05-21-2008, 03:47 AM   #3
Shato Khan
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thanks anyway on with the show !

As i lay there face down on the broken and chared ashphelt, I knew that I wasn't dead not quite anyway.

The man walked up to his commander his long black hair masking his eyes "it is done sir, Revan will die in 8 years time at the hight of his powers

On Corrusant
"I fly the Hawk" Atton Rand protested
"Atton, just let it drop the Admarial will fly the ship afterall it's what he does for a living" Aria Starlight the jedi Exile replied
" Oh yeah, since when did trust our lives to some credit chasing burercartic official!" Atton replied angrily
" Atton please i don't want this mission to fall apart before we even leave Corrusant" the strained look on Arias face said it all,
"all right if it's that important to you".
3 hours latter.
Ebon Hawk this takeoff control you have clearance, repat you have clearnce
" We copy you preping for takeoff"
And within five minutes the Ebon Hawk was leaving Corrusants atmsosphere and on it's way to the unknown regions.
In the cargo hold
" The 3rd metting of the new Jedi Council shall comencence" announced Mical herald of the Masters.
" Our first destenation should be the Unkown world the home of the Rakata" proclameied Bastila.
" I aggre" was the general opinion
and so the Ebon Hawk was headed for the ruins of the Star forge.

Revan vs Belgarion who would win.........
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Old 05-21-2008, 06:46 AM   #4
Diego Varen
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I have to agree with Bee Hoon that this is very short indeed. Nothing wrong with a short fan fic, since quality is better than quantity, but several improvements need to be made and I hope not to repeat what Bee Hoon has already suggested.

1. There are several spelling errors (Corrusant should be Coruscant and bettween should be between, for example), as Bee Hoon has already said. I agree that Microsoft Word is the best programme to type a story on and it can catch any errors made (unless if there is something wrong with it of course).

2. Explore the characters a bit more. Since Atton is currently the main character, the story could revolve around his point of view and you do this in the first chapter. You mention how he dreads having to see the Senate, but you could add more to why he thinks this. Thoughts and feelings are important, even opinions are also good to include.

3. There is a bit of mystery here. Where's the Jedi Exile, where's Revan? These are good plot points to mention in the story and if you want to keep it a mystery, you could just give small hints every now and then.

Overall, this needs a bit more improvement, but the story looks good so far. Good luck.
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Old 05-21-2008, 08:06 AM   #5
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Not much I can say that hasn't already been said, but the dialog almost looks to be written like a screenplay. I think you could have something nice here if you clean it up the spelling and punctuation a bit as was mentioned above.

That said, I like the possibility of where this could go. The idea behind the story is good, but a little polish is definitely in order.

"You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view."

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