lfnetwork.com mark read register faq members calendar

Thread: Death to a Planet
Thread Tools Display Modes
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Old 05-29-2008, 07:37 PM   #1
DarthRevan243
Banned
 
Status: Banned
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Banned
Posts: 1
Death to a Planet

Death to a Planet

by DarthRevan243

Chapter 1: The Assault

Revan stood at the helm of his empire, with no thought, no hesitation. he had made his decison. He would give Malak the order.

================================================== ==========================================

Carth Onasi waited below, ready for the attack between the TSF and the Sith. The words of his wife echoed through his head

"I love you Carth, and no matter what, we'll win this war"

No more would he let Dustil suffer. He would wipe out every Sith on Telos to end it. Though his good luck was about to change.

================================================== ==========================================

"Malak, is Saul giving the codes?" asked Revan

"Yes Master. Shall we disable the Defence Network?"

================================================== ==========================================
Carth realised his mentor, Saul Karath, was missing.

================================================== ==========================================

"You may fire when ready Malak. And promote Saul to Admiral."

"Yes Master"

Malak turned to Saul. "Fire!"

================================================== ==========================================
Carth realised what was happening, Saul was the only one who knew the defence codes. Saul had betrayed the Republic!

To be continued....

Last edited by DarthRevan243; 05-29-2008 at 09:39 PM.
DarthRevan243 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-29-2008, 09:30 PM   #2
DarthRevan243
Banned
 
Status: Banned
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Banned
Posts: 1
Chapter 2: The Assault

The Sith charged through the broken barrier. Kissing the TSF. Carth ran, ran home to his wife and son.

"Good Work Saul, you are now Admiral of the Sith fleet.

"Thaks you, Lord Revan" Bowed Saul

================================================== ================

Carth took his wife and Dustil outside, fearing that Telos was doomed!

"Grab his wife and boy!" Shouted one of the Sith Soldiers

"No!" Carth felt a ping in the back of his neck. A knockout Dart. e fell into the darkness of his dream.

================================================== ================

Carth woke. He saw his wife hiding under a Whola Bush. He ran over to her.

Suddenly, a Building fell! Rocks and dust were scrambled in every direction.

When the gas cleared. Carths wife, was dead.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

To be continued....
DarthRevan243 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-29-2008, 09:46 PM   #3
DarthRevan243
Banned
 
Status: Banned
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Banned
Posts: 1
Chapter 3: Death to a Planet

Telos was dead, lifeless, nobody could bear to think of what loss they had suffered

Carth searched for months for Dustil. He looked EVERYWHERE. He soon gave up. Grived and lonley.

Carth decided he would join the Republic fleet. And hunt down Saul until he died

================================================== ================

Revan, Malak and Saul all looked n at Telos, the destroye homeland

"Telos was weak, It had to be destroyed!"

"I am now at your service, Lord Revan." Ended Saul

The End
DarthRevan243 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-30-2008, 06:56 AM   #4
Bee Hoon
ngom ngom ngom
 
Bee Hoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Sydney
Posts: 1,269
Forum Veteran Veteran Fan Fic Author LFN Staff Member Helpful! 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DarthRevan243
Kissing the TSF.
What? :S

First off, this is a very. very short fic. I have seen reviews longer than all three chapters combined! There's some typing mistakes here and there. I also found it a little odd that Saul and Carth were not Republic soldiers... I'm not sure how canonically accurate this is. Besides that, why would the Sith leave Carth alive? And do you mean "when the air cleared"? That is not the only example of word choice error. The Republic troops would probably be deployed to any battlesites, and the surface of Telos was canonically bombed into oblivion. Of course, you could just ignore canon:P After all, everyone has their own versions of canon!

One thing though... It would a very emotionally-charged situation for Carth. Imho, it's more of the journey of the character that matters, describing his thoughts and feelings, whether directly or indirectly. The matter-of-fact tone in which you inform the readers of what is happening doesn't hold much appeal for me, as it reminds me too much of studying (ugh!).

Anyway, keep writing and try reading fics like machievelli's, which contain an incredible amount of detail. I hope you take this in the same vein as it's offered; as constructive criticism. I hope I don't sound too harsh!



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
Bee Hoon is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-30-2008, 07:07 AM   #5
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
I have to echo Bee Hoon's review here, I'm afraid.

Firstly, this is very short and it could've all been posted in one post and each paragraph seems to look like extracts from what could've been expanded on. Each segment looks interesting and if made longer, you could've told a very interesting story, however, due to how short it is, it looks unfinished.

Secondly, there is a lack of description. Description improves a story a lot and gives readers a reason to read on. Here, there is a little too much dialogue.

Thirdly, this might just be me, but it doesn't make sense at all.

I hope this review wasn't too harsh, but there wasn't much to say about this that was good.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 05-30-2008, 01:52 PM   #6
DarthRevan243
Banned
 
Status: Banned
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Banned
Posts: 1
This was a practice. The full version will be 100x longer i can assure you
DarthRevan243 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Go Back   LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > Death to a Planet

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:53 AM.

LFNetwork, LLC ©2002-2011 - All rights reserved.
Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.