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Old 06-14-2008, 07:21 AM   #1
Burnseyy
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The Quest for Revan

A/N:Note, this would have been if Kreia killed the Handmaiden, and i know the facts won't be completely right, but thats what makes literature interesting - imagination. hope you enjoy.

Summary: The Exile, Darren, has just defeated Darth Traya, and escaped Malachor V. Only a small amount of the crew survived, including Atton, Visas and Mira. The remaining crew and Darren decide to travel across the galaxy, in one last conquest to find Revan, and restore the Jedi and the Galaxy… but is everything as it appears to be?

________________________________________________

The Quest for Revan
Chapter One: Old man


The Jedi had slowly, by the days, the weeks, began returning to Dantooine - the ones that had gone into hiding, in fear of the Sith. It was strange to the Exile that no one had as much as found those hiding Jedi, never mind not sensed them. Nonetheless, it was much to his pleasing that they had survived… unlike most of the companions that had joined him on his journey to find the Council.

Darren sighed, gradually, as he leant his chest against the barriers of stone, which surrounded the recuperating Jedi enclave. He closed his eyes, tightly, breathing dramatically. His arms were extended - the only thing holding his being up. It had been some time since the crash on Malachor; the fight with Kreia, the death of the Council Jedi. Darren shook his head. Too many people died that day, he thought.

He resumed the opening of his lime green orbs, to reveal speckles of tears on the brim of his eyes. He was well built, with long blonde hair, spiking slightly at the back. His robes owned a bronze glow to them - the Norris Robe, which he had acquired on Korriban. Bao-Dur, Brianna, Mandalore, the droids, Vrook, Zez-Kai Ell, Kavar… All dead. All because Kreia… Darth Traya… thought it a good plan to manipulate me. And what’s worse, is that I let her manipulate me. If only I’d listened to Atton, from the start, Darren mused, regretfully.

A single tear fled down his cheek, and splattered against the stone structure of the barrier. He stared at it, as if hoping his friends would materialise from it’s contents. But he knew, full well, that that was merely a wish. A wish the Jedi usually disagreed with. Well, there were hardly no Jedi left… I wonder if Atris ever walked away from the Dark Side?

Darren’s thoughts then wondered onto the remembrance of Brianna… they had had something special, something that was never really confronted, properly. And now it’s too late… he closed his eyes once more, trying to block out the gasps of misery, but there was no luck. His heart was stuck between shrivelling up into a raisin, and expanding into a swollen bag of air.

“I love you…” He finally admitted. Too late. Too late.

“I know how hurt you’re feeling,” the familiar, hasty paced voice of Mira reached his ears. “I’ve felt it, myself.” She approached the stone based barrier, and leant forward on it, much like the Exile, and looked out onto the landscape of patchy grass, which had mostly been destroyed by grenades and fires. Weaponry was still scattered about, but at least now the bodies had been cleared and buried.

“Your parents?” Darren enquired, rhetorically, yet Mira still answered with a simple nod. She blinked, biting her lip, as if attempting to kill off all the hurt she was feeling at the mere mention of her parents.

“My parents… It was a long time ago,” she said, truthfully. “but time is nothing compared to love, whether unconditional or romantic.” She paused, allowing silence to run between the two of them, in form of a light breeze. She continued: “I’m not trying to sound cheesy or pathetic, but even those on the ship, when I found out they had died in the crash, it really pierced my heart, and I hardly knew those guys. I guess that’s nothing to how you’re feeling, now.”

Darren blinked, also, and glimpsed at the redheaded Jedi. Her skin was a fair, pale tone, as the sun of Dantooine reflected against it, falling behind the hills of the grassy land. The make up she once wore, so proudly, had now run and was messy, mirroring how she felt inside, perhaps. The Exile reached out to her, with his left arm, and placed it around her, pulling her into a sort of side ways hug. Strangely enough, she accepted it, without any form of resilience. She must be hurting.

“I don’t measure pain,” Darren responded, at last, shortly after parting from the hug. They resumed prior positions, against the stone barrier. “But Bao-Dur was a good friend, from long ago… there wasn’t even any trace of him. And the Jedi Master’s, which was the sole purpose of the whole fiasco, died… It was all pointless,” he shook his head, readying himself to tell the last part to his story: “However, even after all that, I thought there would at least be some hope to cling onto with Brianna, the Handmaiden…” Darren sensed Mira growing guilty, for some bizarre reason. “Well, that lasted long, didn’t it?”

“I’m sorry.” Mira muttered, sincerely.

“What are you sorry for?” Darren enquired, expecting an unsure answer.

“Well, don’t blame yourself for it, Darren,” she told him, almost demandingly. “You’re strong, and I’m sure the Handmaiden would have loved to be with you, but she’s not, and I guess the sooner you come to terms with it, the sooner you’ll be able to forgive yourself, and see it was all Kreia.”

“I have come to terms with it,” the Exile spat, loudly. Mira’s features twisted into a fiery expression. “I wasn’t there in time; Atton crashed the Sith-forsaken ship, and all of the survivors were too busy crying about a few scratches. Then she died,” He knew he’d stepped way out of line, but he said nothing. He figured that he was permitted to be angry.

“You listen, you screwed up ‘Jedi’,” Mira shot back, with twice as much fury in her tone. “We were in the ship searching for other survivors, like your beloved Handmaiden, and you. If we knew you’d be as ungrateful and heartless as you clearly are, we wouldn’t have bothered to pull corpses out of the rubble, to check for signs of life. We wouldn’t have bothered to come to your aid.”

“Mira---”

“No!” She yelled, pulling herself back from the stoney hedge. “When you’ve realised who your friends are and who your enemies are, you can speak to me, then.” She lowered her voice, instantaneously. “Until then, go and meditate or something.”

Her heavy footsteps sounded across the Enclave garden’s grass, trudging nosily. Darren could hear her cursing at immense speeds, under her breath, which was very loud for ‘under her breath’.

He knew he shouldn’t have, but curiosity overwhelmed him. He reached out his thoughts, his senses, his feelings, and shut his eyes, peacefully. He focussed on the entity of Mira, and broke past the outer shell, past the physical, and perceived her aura; her thoughts. They were swirling about her mind, at an incredible velocity. Curse words, which were probably still soaring through her mind, and memories of her childhood, and of her parents. Darren sensed her thinking of the slavery, the Mandalorians, the Bounty Hunting, and then the quest she had accompanied him on. She was really putting her emotions out into the open, for a Jedi - but he guessed he was a hypocrite if he said he hadn’t done it, either. He just had. He ceased the mind reading, before guilt began to etch at him, and reopened his eyes.

“You’re a foolish Jedi, Darren,” he told himself, in his secrecy, and gradually stood away from the divider, at full height. His robes were tugged down, fully, by Dantooine’s gravity, now, glinting brightly against the sun, which he noted was almost completely hidden behind the horizon. He knew Mira was right, but he did not want her to be. He wanted the Handmaiden, and clinging onto that last feeling of self-hate was all that he had left, of her. That, and love… but the love hurt more.

He turned, headed towards the Enclave, where everyone else would be situated. It was time to discuss the plan, which would lead him to Revan, and ultimately, to saving the galaxy.


"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."



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Old 06-15-2008, 07:16 AM   #2
The_Catto
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Ooohh, what a powerful emotion love can be.
I've never seen a personality of the Exile like this before. He did love Brianna, but that in turn made him forget just what the others had done for him. He might have some right to be angry, but Mira, I think has more right for anger.

I like the start, and I really want to know where this story will go, because I feel that it has the potential to be something great.
And I don't think I've seen any other pieces of your work around here so...

Welcome to the CEC!

(If you have posted before, terribly sorry, been away :P)

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Old 06-15-2008, 01:51 PM   #3
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She is a Bao-Dur fan. I can't believe that you didn't include him if you liked him so much.

That was a pretty good start there Burnseyy. I liked the emotion that was added. Emotion is a really good thing to have in a story. Keep up the good work!

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Old 06-15-2008, 01:53 PM   #4
Burnseyy
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ohh yar, i know, the whole mira having more right to be angry.
which is why i started on that note. ^.^ could cause some complications for later on.

and thank you. [: glad you enjoyed.
i have posted other stuff, but it hasn't been viewed thaaat much. or rather, it has, but no one's replied lmao.

ps to Rev7 i may be a Bao fan, but I'm not gonna let that get in the way of story writing :P aha.


"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."



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Old 06-15-2008, 04:51 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Burnseyy View Post
ps to Rev7 i may be a Bao fan, but I'm not gonna let that get in the way of story writing :P aha.
Yeah, I figured.

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Old 06-16-2008, 11:47 PM   #6
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Really liked the emotion... especially when Mira was shouting that the Exile had to get over it. This seems like a good start of an emotional roller coaster. Looking forward to more.
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Old 06-17-2008, 08:00 AM   #7
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A Quest for Revan
Chapter Two: A Meeting


Darren and Atton sauntered down the dirt ridden corridors of the Jedi Enclave. Weeds were clinging to the darkest corners, as if savouring the remenants of the Dark Side, before the Light finally took over; it’s rightful place. The sun had now, completely fallen behind the hedges and hills, with the odd creature flying home to rest for the night, and the sky breathed with a beautiful violet and pink gleam. Darren smiled at this, possibly the first change in features since he’d arrived on Dantooine.

The two Jedi strode in unison, itching to debate the plan, however, the rest of the newly designed Council, Visas and Mira, were waiting in the Council chamber, and that was where talk of the plan was restricted to.

Instead, to avoid the gut-wrenching silence, Darren spoke of the other two companions. “Has Mira said anything about being annoyed at me?” he enquired, barely hiding a chuckle. It was amusing, now he thought of it - typical Mira getting hot headed because of a minor insult.

“Oh yeah, she was ranting like the Sandpeople, when she came in from the Enclave gardens,” Atton replied, keeping a blank face, his grey, colourless robes billowing out behind him. The Ebon Hawk had had a lack of supplies after the crash, so the crew had been stuck with the clothes on their back, for a long time. “Started shouting curse words, and things like ‘that blood sucking bantha crap of a Jedi schutta!’ t’was definitely entertainment for me.” Atton snickered at the thought of the redhead on the verge of exploding in annoyance. “Dark side leadings, or what, ey?”

“Ah, I’m not so sure,” Darren murmured, keeping his head high. “It was my fault.” He admitted, and with one glance, Atton knew that the Exile beside him, wished not to talk of Mira any longer, what ever the reason.

“So… You, head of the temporary Council, then?” The Scoundrel mused, aloud. His expression had now transformed from a blank one, to a cheerful one, however, the raw redness around his eyes told another story. I think Malachor V has been emotionally scarring for everyone, in the past few years… and it’s still haunting us, yet, Darren thought, in response to Atton’s alarmingly tiresome appearance. He went on: “Pretty impressive, seeing as a few months ago, the Jedi tried to steal the force outta’ ya’.” And there it was.

“I didn’t understand why they did that,” Darren muttered, troubled in mind and body. “They explained it to me, sure enough, but still… I was trying to heal the Force - not destroy it.” Silence crept upon the two Jedi once more, nonetheless, it was a comfortable silence, that Darren had grown accustomed to, during long flights through space. “Here we are.”

The two men circled about a corner, entrancing through a scuffled gate, and halted at the brim of the crowd of Jedi, Padawans and Force Sensitives, gawping hopefully at them. Amongst the crowd, was Visas and Mira. Visas still wore her scarlet robes, the headdress covering her blinded eyes. I must make note to try heal that, Darren took a mental note, glancing at the ex-Sith. She stood, heavy, as if broken by the recent turn of events. Mira’s stance mirrored this, yet she seemed distant, staring elsewhere, deep in thought. And I doubt much was discovered on the Ebon Hawk about Mira… I’ll have to stop being so selfish, and speak more, he thought, remembering the journey.

At that moment, Darren presented a head gesture, which was signal enough for his two female companions to join Atton and him, by their side. He took a great intake of breath, closed his eyes for a moment, reopened them and spoke…

“As you all know, the remaining Council has been lost… and even though more Jedi are coming out of hiding, now, we’re still at a minimal amount,” the Exile announced, his voice was confident and honest. “We also know that the Sith are still out there, hiding, much like most of you did, and I fear that that is the least of our worries,” he went on, thinking of any subjects that hadn’t been touched upon. “The Council has been reassembled, temporarily… Mira, do you have the list?” he looked over at her, and she nodded.

Mira stepped forward, her long, flowing robes, dancing about against the floor, as she graduated into view, before the rest of the Jedi, and raised her voice at hearing level: “Master Ulrich, Mistress Joliet Master Tak’Ven, and Master Joshua are to be in charge, here. The leading character of the Council, however, is Master Darren Hoban… his wishes will be the way until the Council has grown to it’s fullest, once more.” She glanced over at Darren, for approval to step back into place, and with an identical nod to hers, she returned, placing the list away inside her robe.

The gatherers broke into whispers, cheers and rounds of ‘congratulations on making the Council!’ could be heard amongst the disarray of chatter. The Force Sensitives seemed exhilarated and excited to press on with the meeting.

The Exile continued: “The Force Sensitives will receive Jedi training, and the Padawans will resume their training with one of the Masters on the Council,” he explained, and added cautiously: “All Masters must accept Padawans, so that the Jedi can recuperate. At our present state, we’re merely beggars who can’t choose. Understood?”

There was a simultaneous drone of “understood”s amongst the Force wielders before the group.

Once more, he went on with his speech. “However, here comes the significant part… My companions and I have come to an agreement on how we will attempt to save the future of the Order, and the galaxy… And our decision is… That we will be leaving Dantooine to search for Revan.”

Contorted faces of distress and disagreement blasted across the crowd’s faces. Some even pointed, in an accusing manner, to Atton, Mira, Visas and Darren, and blurted out the words: “traitors!”. Nonetheless, the younger, more inexperienced characters of the crowd nodded, in an understanding way, which seemed quite preposterous, to the four companions, as the older Jedis should have accepted this idea, more.

Atton turned to Darren: “All of this happens, and they’re still attached to the old traditions of ‘not intervening’.”

“Hey!” Mira shouted, hushing the group, instantaneously. “We’ve come here to save the Jedi order, but if we stay here and do nothing, we’re sitting ducks. The Sith are gathering, somewhere, out there - we’ve felt it… and we’re trying out best to create the best environment for recuperating. If you have any disagreements, then the Jedi Order is not for you - if you don’t think trying to save the galaxy is worth it, then go.”

It was apparent to Darren that some Force wielders, here, did not posses the ability to contribute to the Jedi Order, however, he felt it best to remain silent, in the current predicament. Once they have realised the errors of their ways, they’ll understand.

“Thank you,” Mira said, with an added annoyance. “Darren.”

The right to speak was passed over, and he continued his intonations: “On the topic of Revan… We believe Revan holds the key to saving the galaxy… And the Unknown Regions is where he lies, but where in the Unknown Regions is unclear,” he shook his head, uncertain. “However, I do know that you will need a good leader, to carry on, and with me gone, that defeats the whole object of a leader - so Atton has offered to take my place as Head of the Council, to aid the Order.”

At this point, Atton stepped forward, his lightsaber ready in his hand. Darren sensed a blast of uncertainty wash over Atton’s mind, but ignored it. It is probably just regret upon leaving us. After all, Kreia did tell me not to take any loved ones… But she told me many things… Many lies, and I bet this is just another one of them.

Atton glanced about his people, now, and smiled, gracefully: “It’ll be a long ride, this recuperation project, but I’m the right person to lead it - I hope you all accept that - or it’ll make this whole thing a ton of a lot harder.” He looked upon the reluctant followers, staring on at Darren in yearning. Perhaps leaving Atton behind as leader was a bad decision, but Darren could not be in two places, simultaneously. And the search for Revan was of course, more significant… more vital, for the future. Though, this information need not be exposed to the others.

The role of spokesman returned to Darren. “How long our searches will take, we do not know. Whether we will return… we do not know. Many people have sacrificed themselves for this opportunity to bring the Council back. Heed Atton and the Council, and our hopes will come true. Who’s with me?”

Darren could sense the obvious uncertainty in every person within the room, yet the prep talk appeared to be successful, as they all raised their fists into the air, some even clutching their lightsaber, cheering a sort of ’war cry’. A sense of great hope filled the entirety of the room, curling into the corners, and deflecting into the souls of everyone present. Everyone’s heart seemed to increase in pace, in either excitement, nervousness, fear or determination. With all of the emotion spiralling about the singular Council room, it was impossible to determine which, though none of that mattered. The focus was on the future.

“Masters, Jedi, Padawans, Hopefuls… I believe you’re all ready for commencing recuperation. Supplies are short at the moment, but a gargantuan shipment from various other planets will be arriving very soon. May the Force be with you.”

Darren glanced about at his team mates, passing Atton one last friendly look, and turned out of the chamber, Visas and Mira plodding on after him. Their steps, just as heavy as prior, joined his, and he sensed the Jedi, behind him as he exited, suddenly fill with loneliness and loss. Kreia had once told Darren, that he was a leader, and that is what made him so powerful; what made his efforts so successful. Despite travelling with Atton many a time, even after trust had grown between them both, Darren felt that Atton was not the one for the job… But who else was there?

“We leave, now.”


"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."




Last edited by Burnseyy; 06-17-2008 at 05:58 PM.
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Old 06-17-2008, 05:03 PM   #8
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Nice attachment. I really do like the emotion that you put into this story. Great job!

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Old 06-25-2008, 01:43 PM   #9
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sorry i haven't been updating much, buuuut, i've had loads to do. here's chapter three.

-----

The Quest for Revan
Chapter Three: These Regions Are Unknown


Shortly after exiting the Jedi Enclave, for good, Darren explained to an uninterested Mira and an incredibly observant Visas, that the hyperspace coordinates for the nearest planet in the Unknown Regions had been coded into the twin ship of the Ebon Hawk, which was reserved solely for this mission. Incidentally, it was named the Phoenix, which Mira found appropriate to make a crack about: “What, does the builder of these vessels have a fetish for birds or something?” At least she’s back to her usual self… Darren mused, gladly.

Each character boarded the ship, allocating themselves to their once favoured place on the prior Ebon Hawk. Nonetheless, a pilot was greatly needed, and Darren felt it his job to man the controls, relieved that the controls were almost entirely the same as on the Ebon Hawk. The piloting area was at a higher temperature than he had first interpreted, as he now felt the heat of the powered engines and monitors warming the entirety of his body. How did Atton wear all of that armour in this seat?

Nevertheless, the Exile gave a great sigh, clipped up a series of switches, and took control of the steering. Slowly but surely, The Phoenix was lifted into the air, exhaling heated air as it went, fresh and anew for the journey. Darren could hear the hum of acceleration, and the vibration of take off as space grew nearer and nearer. Within seconds, the Jedi Enclave had disappeared into a miniature spec, amongst the grassy planes, and not before long, Dantooine maintained the same look, as the vessel pierced through the atmosphere and headed into the cold mysteries of the galaxy’s gutter.

Darren steadied The Phoenix for a number of miles, keeping at a steady pace, to ensure the correct hyperspace routes had been tapped into the computers mainframe. Beads of sweat were rolling down the side of his face; he had piloted ships many a time, especially during the Mandalorian Wars, however, he had been known to slip up, in the past, and these times were too vital to become adrift.

He began thinking his progress, aloud: “Right… coordinates M4TGH-11-GF---”

“Darren?” Mira sounded. He had sensed her approaching the cockpit, seconds before hand. She seemed troubled, but he thought it best to let her speak first. After all - he was not in the position for another argument. “I don’t fancy apologising, but all Visas does is meditate and ‘see through the Force.’ Sure, I’m a Jedi, too, but honestly - is that all you guys do?” It was obvious to the Exile, that Mira wanted to apologise; it was strange that she was allowing such childish emotions to stand in the way of the top priority. Not for a Jedi, but for a grown woman, also.

“I think most of us do, yeah,” Darren replied, still concentrating on the hyperspace routes, being especially attentive to detail. “Though, I’m having second thoughts about the plans and arrangements.”

“Why?”

“Well, I think I should have left Visas to her free will,” he went on, trying his best, still, to concentrate. “Because… Well… Kreia told me, before I finished her off, that she was destined to return to her home planet, or walk amongst her people, in search of center.”

“Did she say anything about my destiny?” The ex-Bounty Hunter enquired, thoughtfully.

Darren’s fingers twitched at this question, and caused his attention to divert, entirely, to answering the request. He knew exactly what Kreia had said about Mira; how she would kill herself on an unknown planet, with no regret - however, he felt that this could not be true. How could it? What would cause such desperation for death? He thought, best not to tell her… it would only corrupt her thoughts throughout the mission…

“Did Kreia say anything about you?” He repeated, trying to sound genuine. “No, I don’t believe so. She said your future was clouded. Said the same about Bao-Dur, too. But… I’d had thought he was dead.” Darren peered around at the redheaded Jedi, whose features displayed that of deep thought, however, when Darren attempted to read these thoughts, he found her mind was blocking everything out. Did she have something to hide?

Mira‘s voice cracked, as she uttered, “I see.”

~

They had hit hyperspace, crashing through the stars in fractions of milliseconds, and ended up on the brim of the Unknown Regions. Everything seemed cold and desolate, through the cockpit window, to Darren, despite the fact space was naturally cold and desolate; these regions simply seemed to glower with an evil; with mystery. Fortunate, for the Exile, there was a planet near by, it’s atmosphere dark and brooding. It seemed to breathe the word “trouble”, yet, it was the key to discovering Revan’s whereabouts, as it was the nearest spot of civilian life, in view. And of knowledge.

Darren sequenced The Phoenix to spin about it’s own axis, in a swift movement, and began flying towards the planet. A small, yet irritating blue light began beeping, just to the right of him, and impatiently, he pressed the switch beneath it. Instantaneously, a miniature screen popped up before him, distracting his vision of the ‘runway’, and saw an image of the exact copy of the sphere, outside the window. He read aloud, what it said:

“Ankus, Unknown Regions, rocky terrain,” Darren uttered, quickly, glancing up at his surroundings, to calculate whether there was a landing pad near by. He began tapping at buttons, and pulled down a lever. On command, another set of information presented itself, stating: “Landing pad located; East-West of Ankus, Jerak’ata Central.” ceasing speech, the blonde haired man nodded, quite pleased with the computer’s gestures, and followed these instructions through, in search of the landing pad.

He flew low, approaching housing and tall, rocky pillars. Dust unravelled itself beneath the ship, and just ahead, was an enormous Space port, flashing lights indicating it’s location.

“Finally.”

~

The three Jedi stepped onto the planes of Ankus, fairly strong winds bashing at their robes, and causing them to billow, insanely, in the air. Visas’ eyes were already covered and protected, from the sand, which was strange, since the landing pad was indoors, by the scarlet veil, however, Darren’s and Mira’s were not - instead, they attempted to save themselves of itchy and sore eyes by enveloping their arms and hands about their face, in a proud frenzy. They advanced forward, noticing that the star port was completely abandoned, save for one Cragmoloid, who owned an open market, selling what appeared to be dangerous arms, and a star port assistant, who was poking at a standard terminal, to the left. Other than this, no greeting was even sighed, and so, the three found it in themselves to walk towards the exit, into the city of Jerak’ata.

As their footsteps brought them, gradually forward, against the powerful gales of the landing pad, a sudden ‘liquidisation’ of the air occurred, and without a moment to react to the abrupt change in vision, five Republic soldiers materialised before them, heavy artillery in their tight grasp, and heavy armour, on their being. Their faces had even been protected with identically red and yellow face-masks. Something was going on.

“Can we see some identification, please?” the Republic Soldier to the forefront enquired, demandingly.

Darren blinked, unsure. He had no identification on him. Nonetheless, he knew as well as Mira and Visas, if he refused, then he would be forced to exit Ankus immediately. Instead, he slyly waved his clammy hand at the man before him, and whispered: “Identification is not necessary.”

The Republic officer repeated, “Identification is not necessary.”

Darren spoke, once more, using the Force to mould the man’s train of thought: “you could also answer some questions my friends and I wish to ask.”

He repeated, yet again: “I could also answer some questions you and your friends wish to ask.”

His eyes gazed with a distance; he was completely weak in mind, and unable to break from the Force Persuade, in which Darren was performing. Even his ‘team mates’ appeared to be oblivious to what was happening. Mira smiled at this, quite amused, causing Visas to shake her head, dismissively.

“What is happening, here, on Ankus?” Darren enquired, now, patient. The winds had calmed a tad, and his arms, as well as Mira’s, were now at his sides, calm.

The Republic officer replied, instantly, and monotonously: “Ankus is under quarantine from the Republic. Sightings of ancient, powerful creatures have been spotted. Many deaths, caused. There’s been a total of fifty-seven deaths within a week… And counting.”

Darren raised his brows, shocked. Perhaps they had arrived at the wrong time. Or maybe the right. He swallowed,, harshly, quite devastated at the death total, especially for such a short time, yet recovered almost instantly and pressed on with his investigation: “Has there been any sightings of a woman named Revan?”

“Revan had passed through this planet, momentarily, a number of months ago,” the Republic soldier went on, mesmerised, still. “the death total was high, then, too. Many sightings of mysterious figures apparently followed Revan around the planet, before his abrupt departure.”

“Any idea where he went?” Mira asked, interruptive.

“No one knows.”

“Well,” Darren uttered, satisfied with information. The wind picked up, once again, and the Exile, and the redhead resumed their prior protection act. “Thank you. You will now be on your way.”

“We will now be on our way.”

Darren watched, pleased, as their interrogators scouted off to the side, patrolling the brim of the ship. Force Persuade had become extremely useful on their previous journeys, and he still had it in him. He took one sombre look at his companions, and trod onward, through the landing pad gates, onto a platform. With no one to man the lever, the Exile yanked at it, subtly, and the platform shuddered, violently. He blinked, uncertain of it’s capability to hold three people, however, before he could mutter a word, it began to increase in distance from the ground. It vibrated consistently, approaching the next level, gradually. He tapped his feet. Silence was spread amongst the group, entirely; even Mira, who incidentally looked as if she wanted to speak. Then again, she always did.

Once the platform came to a very abrupt halt, Darren, Mira and Visas stepped out, observing their surroundings. The rocky terrain lasted for miles, the sun lashing at it’s surface. Some rocks were even smoking in it’s incredible heat, and the trio were no exception to it’s power. Immediately, they felt the strength of the sun glare, but at least now the wind had gone. Sweat dropped about their faces, within a split second; no wonder the place seemed abandoned.

“Oh Sith’s Blood, this place is hot!” Mira exclaimed, notably. She exhaled as much breath as she could muster, and wiped the sweat from her brow. “Let’s find some shelter.”

Not wanting to stick about and discuss, which place to go, Darren and Visas followed Mira’s haste attempt to stride ahead. Her outer robe was, now, tied about her waist, and her sleeves were rolled up as high as they would go. Darren mimicked this look. Nonetheless, Visas chose not to remove any item of clothing; she seemed strangely content with the temperature. Either that, or she had not noticed their removal of clothes; that would make more sense. She was loyal to the Jedi, the Force, and possibly saw such disrobing as inappropriate.

There was a small outlet just metres from their current position, and so they headed in it’s direction. The closer they came to it, the large it became. It maintained a dome like shape, leading out into a corridor, and into another enormous dome, and was an incredible white shade. The three Jedi finally reached it’s rim, and battered through the door, in desperation. The heat was growing, and Darren’s and Mira’s skin felt boiled; it looked raw and burnt. “Agh… that schutta sun. My arms killing,” Mira cursed, evidently annoyed that they had not stopped for information on the planet, before running headstrong into it’s ‘trap’.

The three glanced about, noting that, inside the dome, was a small community, and there was another platform, leading into the ground. There was a Cantina on the far end of the dome, obviously small, and could possibly only fit a bar in it. There were benches dotted about, and synthetic plants and trees dotted about the place. There was a great bold sign overhead, which read: “Compound One”. Not many people inhabited this area, however, there were various Republic soldiers guarding the Cantina, and huddles of Cragmoloids, in every corner of the room.

“This place looks cheerful,” Darren muttered sarcastically. He was confused by the planets lack of life.

“Yeah… Whatever Revan had done here, she had clearly left her mark,” Visas said, in response. “The planet feels… touched. It feels broken. Whether Revan is the successor of this pain, I do not know.”

“Can you sense any Sith? Any Jedi? Anything?” Darren enquired of the Miraluka.

She shook her head. “It is… difficult to tell. These compounds have protection over it; perhaps Force protection. Do you feel it?”

Mira and Darren did not reply to this, however, they did understand her spoken musings. The planet was difficult to read; much had occurred here, they knew that much, but what it was… the scars were hidden. It was impossible to tell.

“Either way,” Mira interrupted the silence, abruptly. “We need to find some information… Those Republic soldiers, I bet you anything, only knew the legal crap. The real information will be lying around here, somewhere. People are bound to know.”

“Yes, but,” Visas went on, disagreeing. “this planet appears empty as it is; if any information had been lying about, it is possible that it is now lost, through what ever means.”

“That might be true, Visas,” Darren uttered, coming to a quick conclusion. “However, if we’re going to find Revan, we need to be optimistic. I think the best idea for now, is to use your idea, Mira, and ask about. If we fail at that, then we can question the Government… if there is one. That, or the Republic commander, here. They will know something.”

“Right.”

The three set off, headed towards the Cantina - Darren knew that, by now, the Cantina was the hotspot for all people who knew something, and were hoping to forget; relax. It was the perfect place to begin searching for Revan.


"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."




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Old 06-25-2008, 06:43 PM   #10
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Nice.

I like it so far. You better keep up the amazing work!


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Old 06-25-2008, 07:11 PM   #11
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I won't make demands like Rev7. Like the work and look forward to more. Details are excellent and you've given me a few ideas for my own work. Little things like heat, insects, sand, and rain are big things to planets and you portrayed that well.
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Old 06-28-2008, 05:53 AM   #12
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i'm glad i could be of help.
i always thought i didnt put enough of that detail in, but nevermind, now. lol.


"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."



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Old 06-28-2008, 02:07 PM   #13
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I won't make demands like Rev7.

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Old 06-28-2008, 05:18 PM   #14
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To: Bumseyy: Details are always good to have in abundance. If you don't think you put enough into the story, then you should trust in your judgment. All I'm saying is that I liked your level of details. You don't have to insert more if you want the story to progress faster, but if you think you should...

To: Rev7, I didn't mean to make a crack at you with the demands quote. You did say "You'd better keep up the Amazing work!" That puts pressure on writers and makes it difficult to focus on a task when they are told to meet a certain standard. They're not being paid, so don't badger them.
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Old 06-28-2008, 07:00 PM   #15
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Emphasis on the


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Old 07-01-2008, 12:02 AM   #16
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A good begining you've got here. I really like the dialogue, everything that Mira, Atton, and Visas say sounds like somthing that they really would say in the game. Well done! Mira is my fav from the game and I think you have her personality perfect.

The only mistakes I noticed are that in some of the dialogue Revan is refered to as "he" after you stated that Revan is female. Nothin major but probly should be edited. As for adding more detail, as DY said if you think you want more then add it. I like the level now, but I will probly like it with more detail too. Your choice. Dont worry about not posting chapters fast. Some people on the forum go a month between posting new ones. Looking forward to new chapters!

~HOP



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Old 07-02-2008, 10:16 AM   #17
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yer i noticed i did that... the revan thing...
because i was playing the game at the time where raven was a guy. yep... stupid of me i know.

and thanks i wanted to get mira's personality best i could, because she is one of the central parts to the plot.


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Old 07-08-2008, 12:56 PM   #18
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Quest For Revan
Chapter Four
A Blue Twi’lek

Hours had passed by, seemingly unnoticed, and Darren, Mira and Visas had finally sat down, taking a rest from their research. There were a number of empty pint glasses placed on the table, before them, and the redhead seemed to be comfortably close to slumber. Her eyes were half closed, half opened, and it seemed, Darren thought, as he viewed her, that it was taking everything in her to stay awake - or at least look dignified in front of her fellows. He smiled at this, entertained by the prospect of Mira telling herself to stay awake - the alcohol had surely gotten into her system.

However, this happiness was short lived, as he quickly remembered just how little information the group had discovered. Every character dotted about them had either been drunk and incapable of conversation, or they knew nothing. Perhaps Darren had been incorrect in thinking the Cantina was the perfect place to begin his search; it was a mess. He sighed, and blinked as slowly as possible.

A Twi’lek waitress swooped over, nonchalantly, and placed to rather large pint glasses on the table, hastily collecting the empty ones, in exchange. Mira, despite her current condition, leapt for the pint, and guzzled it down, impatiently. Does she have some kind of secret addiction to alcohol? He mused, jokingly. He, too, had started to feel oddly merry, and tingly - whatever the ex-Bounty Hunter had been ordering for the two of them, it had had a real kick.

The room was hazy and smoky, despite there being no smoke in the room - perhaps it was the drink getting to him. The Twi’lek dancers were dancing away, busting out moves Darren had never seen before…. That was one thing that impressed the Exile - no matter which planet he visited, the Cantina dancers never ceased to amaze him. I suppose they only hire the best - I wonder what their pay is? And then he realised just how odd this had sounded, in his mind. Thank the Force I didn’t say that aloud.

He steadily turned his gaze to Visas who, ultimately, looked bored out of her brains. She hadn’t drank a thing, since they had arrived… And only being able to ‘sense’ her surroundings… yes, she was probably bored. Or perhaps she is meditating, Darren pondered.

“Visas?” He said, raising his voice over the beautifully woven music. The ex-Sith appeared to snap out of the ‘trans’ she was in, and directed her attention towards Darren. She smiled, slightly, in response. “We’re getting nowhere with this… No one knows a thing.”

At this point, Mira clumsily jumped into the conversation, interrupting Visas completely, though they listened to what she had to say: “I… I think that… these people are schuttas!” she uttered, her left arm soaring through the air, madly. If she wasn’t careful, she was going to hit something - or someone. “I bet they know we’re trying to find Revan - but they’re schuttas! So they… they aren’t saying squat…Schuttas.” Fortunately, the music had drowned out her voice, to anyone else, so she was safe - for now.

Darren burst into laughter at this, whilst Visas merely shook her head. Never before had the two of them seen such a lowered guard in the huntress - she was willingly exposing herself as a drunkard in front of the two of them, whereas, when she had been sober, in the past, she had been so proud and defensive about these sort of things. Well, Darren knew her a little better at least, now.

She sleepily fell back, into the seat she was sat in, and curled up, into an oddly elongated ball, attempting to find comfort in it. Her eyes were now, completely shut, showing off her eccentric green eye shadow. Bravo, Darren, you picked the drunk to accompany you on this journey!

“And she thinks herself a Jedi?” Visas quickly cut in, erasing all humour from the moment. “That one is… questionable, I feel. Perhaps bringing her was a mistake.”

Darren furrowed his brows, angered by this sudden judgement, and spoke, defending the collapsed-into-a-chair-lamely woman, in the chair beside him. “I think Mira has been an excellent edition to the crew, and will continue to be…” he nodded, to reassure himself. “We all have our weaknesses, our pasts… we can’t be judged on little things like this.”

“Yes… I agree… But perhaps she should know better than to squander herself in material objects, during this quest…” Visas spoke with earnest, and Darren saw some truth in her words. “I do not wish to anger you, of all people… I merely sense that there is more to her than what meets the eye.”

“You’re beginning to sound like Kreia.” Darren stated, simply. He saw the ex-Sith’s lips twitch, in agitation, yet she did not speak. Instead, she chose to turn away, and return to her prior ‘meditations’, which Darren had come to the conclusion with.

The smoky atmosphere had finally infiltrated his thoughts, and he now felt quite at ease, despite the surplus of erratic noise. A drunken Mira shifted, distinctively, in her ‘sleep’, and clenched her eyes tighter, as if she were having some kind of nightmare. His eyes wandered from her, to Visas, and watched her once more, meditating in her calmed, serene ways. However, he sensed that the woman was deeply concerned; there was something ebbing away at her thoughts, causing her concentration to fail. Darren searched his mind, long and hard, trying to remember what the one known as Kreia had told him about Revan - and how she was most likely fighting the true Sith.

He whispered, discretely to himself, “I am a fool… now I think of it, Kreia told me nothing; no information. She has lead me into a false sense of security as always… and now, we’re stumped.” he fell silent, combing his fingers through his volume-aired hair, in a frustrated manner. “No one here has even as much as seen Revan.” He found it more so frustrating, that Visas had been more preoccupied with the troubles of their fellow companion, as opposed to the fact that no news of Revan had been discovered, throughout the whole night.

Darren sighed.

“I suppose we best go, then,” the Exile proposed, wrenching Visas from her half hearted meditations. “we don’t want to stay out too late, or else there won’t be anywhere to stay.”

“Agreed.” Visas stated, simply.

Darren and Visas stood to a full height, and with one look of hopelessness, the two began to try and lift Mira from her resting place. She did not struggle. In fact, she rather helped, instead of resisting, and tried to pull herself, clumsily to her feet. The ex Bounty Hunter’s red locks were strewn messily about her face, and her eyeliner had ran slightly, possibly due to rubbing her eyes. Once she was on both of her feet, Visas passed her full weight onto Darren, and, rolling his eyes, wirily, he slung his arms around Mira, and held her limp body, up.

Cautiously, being careful not to drop the woman, Darren ambled forth, following a very consistent ex-Sith towards the exit of the Cantina. He could feel the heaviness of, not only Mira, but of tiredness creeping upon him, and wanted nothing more than to slump into one of the appealingly comfortable couches, put his feet up, and sit back, relaxed. He did not know why he felt so lazy and uncontrollably tired, yet he passed it off as exposure to prolonged space travel, added on top of failure.

As they neared the exit, which was glowing a obnoxious green colour, about the edges, another Twi’lek approached them, this time, she appeared quite young, her complexion very much, perfect, and her skin tone was a shade of calm turquoise, which gleamed mystifyingly against the dim, yet glistening lights of the Cantina. She wore quite casual clothing, which consisted of tight fitted trousers and a loose, somewhat revealing top, with printed ‘slash’ marks, for décor. She held her body, firmly and strongly, blocking the way out, for the trio. Her expression was fierce, but also wore a smile, of nostalgia. Darren met her eyes, wary. Who is this?

“I’m going to get to the point,” the Twi’lek spoke, her voice very emphasised. “You’re looking for Revan, aren’t you?”

“How did you---?”

“I overheard your conversation - never underestimate a Twi’lek’s hearing,” she explained, quite proudly. “I don’t know where she is, right now, but I have spoken to her quite recently, and if you’re interested, I’ll be obliged to help with your searches, but I need some help, too.”

Visas interjected, quickly: “What do you wish of us?”

“Well, y’see,” she pressed on, dropping her apparent brave façade, to a warmer, friendlier front. “I used to travel with a friend, and he’s gone. Usually I’d have had him help me with these things, but my tech. smarts aren’t really enough to settle the problem that I’ve got.”

“What is it?” Darren enquired, pulling Mira more comfortably into his grasp. She let out a sigh, and her head rolled about, dangerously. He then set one of his firm hands about her neck, to support her, and returned to the conversation immediately.

“I’ve… A debt to repay.” The Twi’lek stared, hard, down at the floor, as if ashamed. “A bounty, if you will. It’s not because of something I’ve done… But something my friend had done.” She raised her head, and glanced to and from Darren and Visas. “The friend that has gone was a Wookie, y’see, and well, the people of this planet didn’t take too kindly to him. Apparently it’s a ‘code of conduct’ that smuggling aliens onto the planet was illegal. Now, I wasn’t smuggling anyone,” she added, hastily, at the obviously confused features of Darren. “He’s - he was - a friend. But yeah, there’s a price to pay, and I’m expected to pay it… but I’m broke.”

“Are you sure you’re not just having us on?” Darren retorted, unconvinced that the story was true. Though he could sense absolute honesty in the girl before him, he had known himself to be wrong at times. “This is a serious matter.”

“I’m not an absolute bantha like most of the people on this rock!” She exclaimed, reducing the word ‘bantha’ to a minimal whisper. “D’you seriously think I’m so stupid as to try and trick three Jedi?”

“How did you---?” yet again, he was interrupted.

“I just know, okay?” the azure Twi’lek girl shrugged, dismissively. “But if you don’t fancy helping me, I guess it’ll just make your search for Revan that much more difficult.”

“Fine, what is it?” Darren let an excess of air escape his lungs. He was stuck.

“The cost is too high to pay,” she informed them, quickly. “It’s above fifty thousand credits - so high, I can’t even remember. It’s so Sith-damned ridiculous - especially for a false accusation. Apparently I’ve committed other crimes, across the galaxy, also, and their cost have been added. I dunno’ how this all happened, but - urgh! People in power really slap the Force outta’ me.” she shook her head, furrowing her brows in annoyance. “But yes. I want you to somehow get this debt removed - if you can. When you do, I’ll speak to you about Revan. ”

“So, you want us to sort of negotiate the debt off of your head?” Darren asked, quite perplexed by the idea. “Is that even possible---?” Mira instantaneously slipped through the gap in his arms, and tumbled down his body, a notch, before he speedily clutched her around the waist, in desperation to keep her standing. Whether what Mira was doing could even be considered as standing.

“Where is the location of this crime lord?” Visas requested, politely. Her voice had always been rather soothing to the Exile, and she never ceased to amaze him. She spoke with such calmness, such peace - he had always considered this peculiar for someone who was in cahoots with the Sith, just seconds before finding him on the Ebon Hawk. She stood, now, very highly and proud, which was a complete opposite to her usually ‘broken’ stance. Darren took a mental note of this.

“You can’t really find him; he’s everywhere,” the Twi’lek answered, calmly. “By that I mean, he has ‘friends’, if you will, at his disposal. They can help you get to him - I’ve heard that he’s losing his touch, as of recently.”

“But I don’t get it,” Darren muttered, confused. “This planet is almost completely deserted - how hard can it be to find a Crime lord?”

“That’s the thing - he’s so well hidden, and no one knows how,” she murmured, her voice sounding rather cracked. Darren could sense something troubling her, piercing at her heart, but he knew not of what it could be. He knew it wasn’t to do with the debt - perhaps more had happened than what this Twi’lek was letting on. She remained silent for a few seconds, before continuing: “But I also think there’s something fishy going on… I’ve seen aliens, new to Ankus in the past few weeks, and well, I came here almost five months ago… they won’t let me off this planet. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’ve got the feeling I’m being tracked down by someone.”

“Have you any idea why?”

“Not one. I mean, I knew debts were important to pay,” she went on, dumbfounded. “But I didn’t know they could get this bad - my brother was able to leave planets when he had debts, so why not me?”

The music was drowning out most of what the turquoise Twi’lek was uttering, but Darren heard the gist of it. He nodded, in comprehension, and wrapped his muscular arms about Mira, tighter, in a sort of bear hug. This kept her locked, safely, against him. He could see the sky outside, growing darker, and he was in desperate need to find somewhere to stay. Then it hit him.

“Alright, we’ll agree to help,” he said, confidently, self-assured. He noticed the woman, before him, smile greatly, and sensed her zeal. “But,” they both locked eyes, suspiciously. Darren thought it was somewhat like a showdown. “Despite the fact we need information about Revan, we also need somewhere to stay…” sensing Visas ‘stare’ at him, in disgust, he ignored her, and went on. “I want to help you, and we need that information - but none of this can be achieved, if we have nowhere to rest.”

She seemed to consider this, carefully. Standing still and silent, her eyes never removed themselves from his, as if she were trying to see past his façade, or possibly read his mind. The Exiles eyes twitched at this, and she smiled, as if this was what she had been waiting for. He furrowed his brows. How weird, he thought.

“Fine. I have a small apartment in Compound H5; it’s a bit of a trek from here… but you have to promise to help me.”

Darren glanced at Visas, to Mira momentarily. He figured it was their best option. “Promise.” he nodded, solemnly.

The Twi’lek took the lead, striding out of the Cantina, Visas was next, and Darren followed cautiously after, acting as a puppeteer, controlling Mira’s steps. He then grew tired, and wrenched her up off her feet, into a fireman’s lift, and grinned, exceptionally widely. As he walked, he watched the redhead sleep, whether that was what she was doing or not, and felt an immense jolt of pain, at the sight. He couldn’t forget what Kreia had told him, about her ‘suicide’… He couldn’t understand it. His heart began to beat faster, knowing that the secret was his, and that she didn’t deserve to be kept in the dark - how could he alter the future?

Visas had possibly sensed this great fear in him, and she spun around, in an incredibly worried manner. Her lips hung loosely apart, but before she could speak, Darren avoided the conversation, by shouting after the Twi’lek, who was quite a bit ahead, now, that they had exited the Cantina, and stepped foot into the somewhat transparent ‘tent’ like compound. Anything to avoid giving away this ‘secret’: “Hey, er, Twi’lek!”

She turned slowly about, with a quizzical look plastered across her face. “Yes?”

“How exactly do you know Revan? I never asked.”

She chuckled, now slightly eased, as if the question Darren had just asked was completely bizarre. “How do I know Revan? We travelled together on the Ebon Hawk, when we were trying to find the Star Maps….” his eyes widened, in full realisation of who they were now dealing with. “The name’s Mission Vao, and Revan and I are friends.”


"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."



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Old 07-08-2008, 02:24 PM   #19
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Very nice job! I liked how you described Mira being drunk. I would have never taken Mira to be a drinker. Regardless, another great addition.

It seems that Mission is in on this now.

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Old 07-08-2008, 02:45 PM   #20
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haha i know.
i wanted to put a spin on mira's character - you know, so that Darren doesn't know eeeverything about her. you'll see.

^.~


"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."



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Old 07-08-2008, 04:58 PM   #21
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Very nice edition. You put together a good reason for Mission coming into the story... as opposed to "...and Mission came along." Introducing characters is a fairly difficult thing because one needs a reason for why a stranger would start talking to you.

Mira drunk?! I would say it seemed a bit extreme for a bounty hunter to get so drunk that she couldn't stand. I would suggest that she either drink just enough to relieve the stress of life... or be so miserable that she wants only to drown out the galaxy completely. I wouldn't say it's just something a rational person would do just for the sake of it.

Liked the chapter greatly and look forward to their next move.
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Old 07-08-2008, 05:55 PM   #22
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thank you. ^_^
i should have put more detail into the drunk mira thing lol
i put it in for humour, but also to add a little to mira's character. like i said, before, to Rev7, Darren doesn't know that much about her.

ah well.


"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."



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Old 07-08-2008, 07:00 PM   #23
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Great chapter! I, on the other hand always thought Mira could be a good drinker. It's hard to live on Narr Shadda all those years and not be, I suppose. Still she must have had a lot. Oh, wait till she comes to her senses and realises she got drunk in front of the exile - she will probably be sassier than ever.

When I read the words "turquoise" and twi'lek, I was like "NO WAY" Mission is back! I too like the way you introduced her. That would be just Mission's style, come right up and say her piece. Wow, this story has Mira who's my favorite from TSL and Mission who is my favorite from K1. Keep up the good work!



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Old 07-08-2008, 07:04 PM   #24
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thank you!
i mean, yer, Mira's not that kind of person, but it's Nar Shaddaa, c'mon. If I was there, I'd be getting drunk 24/7! If I was allowed. >.>

Mira and Mission are two of my favourite characters i just had to keep them on! Visas is annoying me, even in my own story lmao. And Atton was so boring. guh. I'm glad he's stayed behind.

Sophie 1 - Atton 0.




"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."




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Old 07-08-2008, 08:05 PM   #25
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I'd be getting drunk 24/7! If I was allowed. >.>
Seriously?

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Mira and Mission are two of my favourite characters i just had to keep them on! Visas is annoying me, even in my own story lmao. And Atton was so boring. guh. I'm glad he's stayed behind.
I also liked how you introduced Mission into the story. The same thing jumped in to my head as HOP's. Asking for help just like in KotOR. Probably for Zaalbar too. ^_^

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Old 07-08-2008, 08:19 PM   #26
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well maybe not drunk all the time lol
but yknow. it's the sort of place for that kind of thing.


"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."



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Old 07-08-2008, 11:53 PM   #27
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If you say so...

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Old 07-09-2008, 12:33 AM   #28
Revan 411
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Very good story there.


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Old 07-09-2008, 11:00 AM   #29
Burnseyy
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shush, i wouldn't!
you don't know what i'm like

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Originally Posted by Revan 411 View Post
Very good story there.

muchly appreciated!


"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."




Last edited by Burnseyy; 07-09-2008 at 04:38 PM.
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Old 07-09-2008, 12:38 PM   #30
Bee Hoon
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First off, shrinking the words is unnecessary. I have dreadful eyesight, and I'm patient enough to scroll, so the default size is just fine:P

There's minor grammatical errors such as "pleasing" instead of "pleasure", "leant his chest against" instead of just plain ol' "leaned against" or something like that. Certain descriptions such as the tear rolling down his cheek (fled?) could use some work (heck, any piece of writing could always use MORE editing). I think you will find that there's a lot of smoothening which could be done. For example:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Burnseyy
His robes were tugged down, fully, by Dantooine’s gravity
The fact that you state it specifically gives me the impression that this is the exception to the rule, and hence that everyone's robes are flapping around immodestly

I also noticed a few instances (Master's instead of Masters, it's instead of its) where you used the apostrophe inappropriately; Jae has a link explaining it somewhere. Don't worry too much about it though

Last I checked, grey was a colour, btw In chapter 2, you described Atton's appearance as tiresome--judging from the context, probably a word choice error. Tiresome means causing fatigue or boredom.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Burnseyy
entrancing through a scuffled gate
as she graduated into view
Ditto for word choice errors. It is also a tad awkward.

Besides that, I'm not sure, but I believe that the Miraluka are all blind, as in absolutely lacking eyeballs in their sockets:/ It would be...ambitious for Darren to try healing what is natural to them.

Quote:
At that moment, Darren presented a head gesture
Which was...?

Quote:
Darren could sense the obvious uncertainty in every person within the room, yet the prep talk appeared to be successful, as they all raised their fists into the air, some even clutching their lightsaber, cheering a sort of ’war cry’.
Erm. Not a very Jedi thing to do.

Quote:
Supplies are short at the moment, but a gargantuan shipment from various other planets will be arriving very soon.
Not really relevant, but I just have to ask... Who paid?

Anyway, I stopped at Chapter 2 as it is late and my mind is starting to wander. I am curious as to what direction you will take with this (since it can go anywhere). The best advice I can give you at the moment is to edit the earlier chapters, and get a beta reader or reread every chapter multiple times and polish before posting. I'm really quite woozy, so if anything doesn't make sense, I apologise in advance. Here's a belated welcome to the forums and the CEC!



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief

Last edited by Bee Hoon; 07-09-2008 at 12:39 PM. Reason: I missed the 2 :/
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Old 07-09-2008, 04:45 PM   #31
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon View Post
First off, shrinking the words is unnecessary. I have dreadful eyesight, and I'm patient enough to scroll, so the default size is just fine:P

There's minor grammatical errors such as "pleasing" instead of "pleasure", "leant his chest against" instead of just plain ol' "leaned against" or something like that. Certain descriptions such as the tear rolling down his cheek (fled?) could use some work (heck, any piece of writing could always use MORE editing). I think you will find that there's a lot of smoothening which could be done. For example:
The fact that you state it specifically gives me the impression that this is the exception to the rule, and hence that everyone's robes are flapping around immodestly

I also noticed a few instances (Master's instead of Masters, it's instead of its) where you used the apostrophe inappropriately; Jae has a link explaining it somewhere. Don't worry too much about it though

Last I checked, grey was a colour, btw In chapter 2, you described Atton's appearance as tiresome--judging from the context, probably a word choice error. Tiresome means causing fatigue or boredom.

Ditto for word choice errors. It is also a tad awkward.

Besides that, I'm not sure, but I believe that the Miraluka are all blind, as in absolutely lacking eyeballs in their sockets:/ It would be...ambitious for Darren to try healing what is natural to them.

Which was...?

Erm. Not a very Jedi thing to do.

Not really relevant, but I just have to ask... Who paid?

Anyway, I stopped at Chapter 2 as it is late and my mind is starting to wander. I am curious as to what direction you will take with this (since it can go anywhere). The best advice I can give you at the moment is to edit the earlier chapters, and get a beta reader or reread every chapter multiple times and polish before posting. I'm really quite woozy, so if anything doesn't make sense, I apologise in advance. Here's a belated welcome to the forums and the CEC!



thanks for the constructive critisism, it's good to finally get a detailed load of it.

i see what you mean with some of that stuff, i could have worded it differently, and i'm trying to make chapter 5 as perfect as I can, because I've looked back on a few of my other chapters and realised just how stupid some things sound...

I'm like that - i get carried away with my story. y'know, get too immersed in it. i guess it sounds better in my head.

Some things i didn't agree with you on, though... like the battle cry thing. most of the people were either Force Sensitives (not really Jedis) or had been hiding for so long, in troubled times. They wouldn't really be acting like Jedis, which is part of why I wrote this... if I was talking about the previous council, like with kavar, vrook, etc. on, there's no way I'd have let them do a battle cry lol that's just insane.

And with the Miraluka being blind. Yes, they are like that, but I was trying to make a point that Darren doesn't know enough about his companions. You'll find this out sometime in chapter 5/6 probably. Perhaps I should have elaborated on this, but it is from Darren's POV - I'm trying not to delve too much into other peoples opinions, thoughts and stuff, which are hidden.

If that makes sense.

Also, I do know how to use grammar, but I'm entitled to a few mistakes. I have bad eyesight, also, so I possibly did not notice, and I apologise for the small text... I didn't really consider eyesight issues. You could have always changed the zoom level on your computer, but eh. I'll keep that in mind for future reference.

Other than that, thanks.



"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."




Last edited by Burnseyy; 07-09-2008 at 09:05 PM.
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Old 07-10-2008, 02:00 AM   #32
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Burnseyy
I'm like that - i get carried away with my story. y'know, get too immersed in it. i guess it sounds better in my head.
Yeah, stories tend to do that It's rare to get it exactly how you visualize in one sitting, so take your time.

Regarding the battle cry; mmm, perhaps. It's not how I think Jedi would act, but it's your story!

I see... Perhaps it would have been better to simply have him ask Visas about it and embarass himself

Aye aye, grammar is a pain. Don't worry too much about, but try to give every chapter a quick read once you're done and you'll pick up most of the mistakes.

Lol, I mean, I can read it, I just prefer larger font sizes

You're very welcome!



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 07-10-2008, 02:41 AM   #33
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UH!!! NICE!!!
But I have only 1 thing that it keeps annoying me!!!
You chose the wrong people to be dead, except Bao-Dur...
"Many battles does that one have left in him... as Revan intended. A general needs an army, as he needs those he trusts. And Canderous is a loyal beast, no matter how much he is broken upon Revan's will."
There was a similar thing Kreia said about the Handmaiden too, I just can't recall it, cauze I mostly play as female...
But nvm that!!! Keep up the good work!!!
10/10


*Note: Chapter 8 is out!*
[Fic] The war of the ancients, seen through the eyes of one young men, as he walks the road of destiny... The Triumvirates War

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Old 07-10-2008, 06:45 AM   #34
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i never said that bao-dur and mandalore were dead.


"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."



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Old 07-10-2008, 07:52 AM   #35
The_Catto
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Great additions to the story, Burnseyy! Sorry for not replying, been a little busy with life and what not. It's good to finally be able to stop and read some great fanfiction.

I'm liking this story. And all the stuff what I noticed, Bee has already said, lol. Nice work!

Keep up the good work! (No pressure intended ... heh, maybe! :P ... We all know how hard it is to try and keep writing the best we possibly can ... You, however, have done a pretty darn good job of it, I might add)

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Old 07-11-2008, 08:22 PM   #36
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The Quest for Revan
Chapter Five
Confessions and Contributions

Morning was approaching, slowly, the western suns of Ankus were glinting through the folds of cloth, which were acting as curtains, behind the window pane of Mission’s apartment. The walls were dirt-ridden, the wallpaper peeling, due to dampness, and there was an extremely defined stench of rotting food about the air. The confines of the room in which Darren was situated in, was sombrely dark, and showed very little signs of care or cleanliness.

He was perched on a chair, by the window, next to the bed of a sleeping Mira. He had offered to stay up, keeping an eye on her, whilst she recovered from her strangely compulsive drinking from the night before. The bed she was sprawled across in must have been rock hard, Darren assumed, due to the fact it was not denting in under her - it was very firm… and the quilt she had clutched in her hands, was thin, and lacked the ability to hold any kind of heat. I guess it is for the best, since this planet is blisteringly hot, he figured.

He transferred is eyes from the sleeping Bounty Hunter to the window, pulling aside what he discovered was a pair of trousers, and gazed out into the sun warming horizon. A smile crept across his features, as he saw this, in a very memorable way. The last time he had seen a real horizon such as this, had been back when he was on Onderon, with Brianna, as they took time to sit down. It had been just after rescuing Mandalore‘s friend from the judgemental authorities, and just before seeking out a meeting with Kavar, they had taken time to speak… There was very little time for that sort of thing, back then. The smile faded, and he looked away, his heart expanding in sadness. There was a tingling sensation in his chest, which he attempted to ignore, but it did not mean it wasn’t still there.

If Brianna was here, we wouldn’t be sat in some back city apartment with a drunken Mira and an irritable Visas, he told himself, utterly convinced. She always knew what to do, how to go about it - she was always so sure… so sure of where she wished to go. He glanced up to the livening landscape once more, to find his heart stinging immensely. “Mira was right… I’m being stupid.”

“No… you’re not,” he spun around, taken utterly by surprise, as his eyes shifted about the apartment, before falling on Mira, who was now sat up right in her temporary bed. She was fully clothed, save for her outer robe, which Darren had removed, before settling her down, prior. Her hair was unkempt, which was no real surprise, after her episode, and she appeared rather ill, but was keeping herself together quite well, despite this.

“Feeling better?” Darren asked, displaying a weathered smile.

She raised an eyebrow. “Do I look like I’m feeling better?” She sighed, and leant herself, peacefully, against the wall beside her, as the side of her forehead brushed it, a tad. “I remember bits, so don’t feel the need to remind me…” she whispered, a disgusted expression imprinted on her face. “Couldn’t you have at least stopped me?”

“I didn’t know you, of all people, would have allowed yourself to get like that,” Darren answered, honestly. His face was blank, and inquiring.

"When you're brought up on Nar Shaddaa, it's the first thing people expect," she said, jokingly. Darren returned a brief laugh.

“Do you know where we are?” he quickly said, changing the subject.

“Something about someone called Mission.” She stated, certain of herself.

“Yeah, a Twi’lek named Mission asked us to help her with a debt, a kind of bounty thing, in exchange for information about Revan and an erm.. ‘nice’ place to stay,” Darren placed emphasis on the word ‘nice’, sarcastically, as the two of them studied their surroundings. “Visas and Mission are in the other room; I stayed to make sure you wouldn’t; like, wake up in the middle of the night and jump out of a window, or something,” he chuckled.

Nonetheless, he received no such response from Mira - she looked very displeasured. Her arms were folded, defensively, whilst she resumed her usual strong front, in which she frequently presented. Her breathing was shallow, and she stunk of foreign drinks, and fruit-scented smoke. Her complexion had grown pale, over night. Darren felt the urge to make a crack about this, in comparison to what Sith looked like, but he felt it best not to provoke her. He had been on the receiving end of Mira’s rants more than once.

Silence ran throughout the two of them, as they directed their attentions in opposite directions, awkwardly. Even the silence seemed to have a sound, against the dead stillness of Ankus. There were no traces of people in the area - no sound, nothing. Darren figured that Mira could not find it relaxing, in any way… that she found it too quiet, as opposed to her usual way of life. He could tell this, for she had once told him about her love for loud, lively places, and he came to the conclusion, despite this bizarre approach to life, she sort of had the right to drink... Mira was never boring.

“I-” Mira started, however, instantaneously ceased the sentence. Darren stared at her, blankly, waiting for her to speak. “Nevermind.”

“No,” he told her, strongly. She looked at him, puzzled. “You’ve been troubled ever since we set off on this quest… what is it?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she retorted, in her haste voice. “’You sure all this excitement hasn’t gotten to your Jedi head?”

“You know what I’m talking about, Mira.”

Mira dropped her gaze, and peered down at her quilt, which she immediately began to twirl about her fingers. Exhaling a heap of breath, and slinging the bed cloth down, at the bed, the redhead sat herself upright, on the edge of the bed, and remained, still.

“Look, you better not get all obsessed with this, or I’ll have to beat you to a pulp,” she told him, quietly. And what was strange, was that Darren sensed that she meant it. “But I’m not cut out to be this… thing you’ve turned me into.”

“What do you mean ‘this thing’?” Darren enquired, at a loss of what to think.

“I mean… This Jedi business..." the huntress murmured. “I can hear everything you people are saying - or thinking, what ever it is - you aren’t hiding anything of what you’re feeling! No one is. Emotions are everywhere, and there’s nothing positive, ever. When we were on Dantooine, I felt as if my heart had been wrenched from my body, and now we’re here I feel a big gaping hole in my heart. It’s the same, everywhere.” She explained, slowly, “I shouldn’t have let you ‘teach’ me this stupid Jedi stuff, I don't like it. Nothing has changed.”

“Of course things have changed,” Darren replied, wholeheartedly and reassuringly. “You’ve helped us get this far - you can feel the thoughts of others, you have the potential to help---”

“I had the potential to help others, before,” she stared at Darren through squinted eyes. “I helped you, before I became a ‘Jedi’. And what good has it done me? Urgh…”

"You told me, once I'd begun the training, that you were pleased with what I had shown you," Darren argued, pressing his voice louder. "You said you felt at ease! If nothing has changed, then you've turned away from it."

"I have not turned away from it!" Mira spat, spinning about on her heal, to face him. "How can I turn away from it, if I don't know how to?" her face was expressionless, and lost. He studied her, unsure of where along the lines, she had become so confused. "This is all your fault, and you know it, you pathetic Jedi!" her tone had risen now, and Darren was taken aback, simply sitting in silence, listening to her spill words from her lips, at incredible rates. "You somehow... convinced me to become a Jedi - somehow. I know what you're like, I know your type..." she went on. "The type that just won't take no for an answer, and you think it's all fine and dandy to just go stuffing your beliefs down other peoples throats---"

"I have not stuffed my beliefs down your throat!" Darren shouted, in defence.

"Yes you do! You may not realise it but you do. And what have I gotten from all of this? Ignorance."

“No, you haven't, I..." Darren paused. He actually had no response for this. Mira was right - ever since she had converted to a Jedi, she had just acted her usual self, save for the fact she now carried a lightsaber and wore robes… the only real difference he had noticed in her, was that she had become irrational, more reactive to comments on her. “But… you haven’t trained properly - you’ve only really had me as a tutor, and well… We’ve had a lot of stuff to do.”

She collapsed into the bed, looking Darren directly in the eyes. He gazed back, marvelling at her brown eyes, in a distant manner. Her brows were wrinkled, and her features were scrunched up into a distressed image. “I need help... I've had nothing from you - you were more preoccupied with tutoring that Handmaiden of yours ... I ask you, when did you once stop and think about Atton, about Bao-Dur, about me?" Her brown pupils were upon him, demanding an answer. "Answer me that." she pleaded, and that was when Darren knew… where Kreia had told him about her death on an unknown planet - it was a lead up from this.

They fell into somewhat of a staring contest, where Darren’s expression had contorted into a guilt-ridden one, and Mira’s held a sincere desperation to them. How had he neglected this significant part of travelling with the Bounty Hunter? The promise he had made to her, back on Nar Shaddaa had been clear and precise - ‘I’ll teach you the ways of the Jedi, if you come with me and learn.’ He shook his head, in disbelief. I’m a complete fool, he told himself, silently.

“I... I'm sorry," he finally admitted, the 'contest' still raging between them. "I've neglected you - I'm sorry. I didn't realise..."

"Well, now you do. And I've been trying to tell you this for some time. You've been leaving me out of the loop - in fact, Bao-Dur died trying to protect you, and you helped him in no way..."

"I'm sorry, okay? You don't have to take a stab at me... Besides, no one knows what happened to him." he muttered, quite hurt. "I'll train you - any time we get spare, I'll train you in the ways of the Force. I guess I simply expected you to learn from me. I guess I thought you were smart enough to do that."

"Hey," Mira said, "I'm a Bounty Hunter - I find people, I plant mines, I make grenades - I'm used to being on my own - what exactly was I supposed to learn from you whilst you were running around Kreia's manipulative hands like a puppet?”

“Enough!” Darren hissed, in a hushed tone. “I’ll teach you. That’s that.”

“And no getting obsessed, okay? You’ve always been the type of person to get attached to things. That’s the last thing I need right now.”

Darren knew she was referring to Brianna, at that point, which made a pit in his stomach sink, dramatically. He remained sincere, and level-headed, but the last comment stabbed at him, painfully.

He noticed guilt roll over Mira’s face, suddenly, before he saw a figure moving out of the corner of his eyes. He turned his head, to see Mission and Visas standing before them, by the bedroom door, which too, was completely dirt ridden. Does this girl ever clean? Darren mused. Mission had raised her eyebrows, in a humoured sort of way.

“So, what have you two been up to?” the blue Twi’lek asked, japing Visas sighed, in disbelief. Darren saw this, and smiled, entertained at the ex-Sith’s reaction.

Mira spoke up: “Things the Jedi Council would never agree with,” she joked, in response. And in spite of the fact that this had been for mere humour, part of what she had said was true - if the Jedi Council were still alive, the previous ones, at least, they would have severed Darren from the Force, refused to teach neither Atton or Mira, or most of the Force Sensitives on Dantooine about how to be a Jedi. He found this somewhat impressive, on his behalf, and for a moment of pride, he congratulated himself, and also his companions. Without us, none of this would ever have been achieved.

~

The morning had come to the present, and Darren, Visas and Mira were listening, intently, to what Mission had to say about the Crime Lord she was running from. Darren had done some thinking from the night before, and came to the same conclusion as the blue Twi'lek had - there was something going on with this debt that she owed.

The four 'companions' were seated about a mahogany carved table, which had suffered numerous scratched, and dints. Scattered about it, were information leaflets, titled "Debts" or "Bounties" or "The Exchange", and as Darren looked closer, he noticed that they had been crumpled, opened, and some, even torn. The chairs they were situated on had legs missing - Visas' even owned no backrest, and Mission's was far lower down than the others - possibly for a younger audience.

"You can't have debts to pay, if you haven't borrowed anything," Mira explained, bewildered. "Have you borrowed anything?"

"No, I haven't. I paid for this apartment with my own money, I work in the Cantina for my own money..." Mission scrunched up her eyebrows. "So, it's not allowed then?"

"No, it isn't. If you've done something, like broken a law, that's up to the authorities to handle it. If it was against this Crime Lord, there would be a bounty on your head, and you can't pay that off." Mira glanced from Mission to Darren, and he gave a slight nod, comprehending exactly what she was saying. "So, you're right to question it... I'm just not entirely sure what it means."

"We don't really have any authorities here," Mission admitted, as she scrambled to her feet. Darren raised an eyebrow. "The Republic are the only ones keeping order here - but there apparently were some, before those monsters came and killed everyone. Luckily, I wasn't part of that death total." She glanced about, nodding to herself. “Look - I’m in a tough spot, and I... No one’s even listened to me since I got here... There’s something weird about it all, okay? And I just need some help.”

Darren had often gave his aid to those in need, those who could not help themselves, and he had always been demeaned for it, by his ‘loyal companion’, Kreia. All those times, he remembered, that she told me helping others was weak, helping others was in turn, hurting them... perhaps it did have some truth in it. His emerald eyes flitted between the three girls, realising just how little he had tried to help them to be stronger, whilst he took the lead, and like Mira had told him, mere hours ago, he had neglected his duties. Am I helping Mission, for Mission‘s sake? Or am I just being selfish, again? he asked himself, silently.

He observed as the three conversed, unable to forget the words she had uttered to him - and it all made sense in the end. It had always been about him. His mode of address dropped to the naked floor, full of crumbs and dirt marks, moulded into the pattern of shoe soles. Always been about you, about how you were the ‘Last of the Jedi’ or the ‘one who followed Revan’, or Kreia’s little manipulated slave. Always about you... he thought. He needed to make some serious amends, but now that he had began the journey, these were going to be hard to come by. Moments of freedom - when am I ever going to be able to find time to teach Mira to wield the Force properly?

And then it hit him. “Mission, if we’re agreeing to help you, you should come with us,” Darren stated, simply. “We can help you, simultaneously that way - you’ll have gotten rid of this debt, and we’ll also be able to look out for you, so you don’t get found out.”

the Twi’lek’s features showed that of resentment and fear. He could sense it in her, too, that the idea of stepping from her comfort zone was a bit too much to ask. She finally found the words to express this: “but... they... but... I can’t go near them!”

Visas caught on, quite conveniently, and spoke up. “If you do wish to free yourself from these ties, then you must also accept that staying here would endanger you, and also weaken you, more so than it would if you were to accompany us,” she breathed, calmly, allowing the atmosphere around her to flow, as it seemed. Darren had always found her presence incredibly peaceful - how she did this, after being with her previous Sith master, he did not know. “if you were to stay here... what good would come of it?”

“I agree,” Mira insisted, yet said no more. Her words were clear cut, and strong... and somehow it seemed to sway Mission’s fear.

Nonetheless, the Twi’lek merely nodded, and resumed positioning in the seat. Darren could now sense shame, and regret, yet also, intermingled with that, was relief. He smiled at this, and as did the two women, of his crew. Mira can sense feelings, and it doesn’t overwhelm her... but she said otherwise... maybe a talk soon, will answer any questions we both need answering, he figured, since their conversation the previous night had been halted, so abruptly.

“So I guess you want to hear the information about this Crime Lord? When this all happened? And who his right hand man is?” Mission muttered, in a rhetoric sense. She was almost determined to rid herself of said information - as if she thought it would relieve her of the stress and worry, much like air being squeezed from a balloon. The three companions tried to find comfort in their chairs, to hear the story, like children. But no avail - the seats were terribly built up. Whether Mission had tried to fix any of this furniture, Darren knew not. “And no interruptions - Revan was a killer at interrupting people whenever she could.”

Darren chuckled, and mused, jokingly, women. Strangely enough, Mira shot her gaze upon him, instantaneously after this, which caused him to grow a little paranoid with just how much the redhead could hear.

“Right, so this Crime Lord - he’s kind of small time,” Mission went on, leaning forward slightly in her chair, as if she was trying to get down to business. “The nerf-herders got loadsa’ men though, just doing his dirty work, left right and centre. His name’s Jekko-Domn... but no one really knows much else about him. Like I said, he’s small time, which means he’s only really based on this planet and one more - not sure which one, though. And it also means he’s hard to track.

“Like I said, I came to this planet, kind of like you, hoping to find Revan... and well, I did, but as she left I said I was just going to patch up a few things on my ship, and I’d be outta this cesspit quicker than you could say ‘Sith’. Well, I was approached by some... men,” she paused, her irises glinting a brilliant blue, in the light, which cast few beams through the ‘curtains’. “’Claimed I was violating some rule, which had seriously insulted Jekko-Domn, but because the Crime Lord felt ‘sorry for me’, he said he’d let me off with a debt. In my opinion, he’s just a schutta who’s looking for credits,” she sighed, shaking her head, tired. “Anyway, when I asked what the violation was, they said it was my Wookie friend, Zalbaar, y’know, the whole ‘alien immigration’ thing. Which I seriously didn’t understand, to be honest... anyway, I’d never heard of this before, so I just agreed and researched as much as I could about rules and regulations - you noticed before, Darren, the leaflets on the table.” Mission nodded to Darren, and he nodded back, as if indicating for her to continue her story. “But yes, Zalbaar was being tormented - they didn’t like his kind, the discriminating schutta scum. Urgh. So he left, I told him to, even if we both hated to see each other go. I figured, too, that it’d clear my debt, but no, this petty Jekko-Domn has it in for me.

“During my research, nonetheless, I came across information on Jekko-Domn’s top man - a Zabrak by the name of Iriz Kung... he’s a regular at the Cantina, which is why I decided to work at the bar, there... y’know, in hope of negotiating my release, because this ‘debt’ also meant I could not breach the wall of Jekko-Domn’s power. So yeah, I’ve been waiting for him to come, each night, I’ve been talking to him, trying to squeeze some information out of the brain dead bantha, but no avail. The night you came, though, I was about to start... uh... advancing on him a little... y’know... to get information out of him. Bit ashamed of that, but---”

“Oh, don’t be ashamed,” Mira cackled, mischievously. “It would’ve worked.”

“What did I say about no interruptions?” Mission snapped, which left the ex Bounty Hunter with a sour expression smacked across her face, almost as if the Twi’lek had slapped her clean across the face. Darren could sense a small bout of anger brewing in her. “I’d rather have kept some dignity and speak to you, than speak to him.” This left Mira with an even rawer sense of anger, in the pit of her stomach. “He’s the guy you need. Every night he’s at the Cantina, spending his credits away, chatting up the Cantina dancers, cheering with his ‘friends’, louder than anyone else in there.”

Darren, figuring that he would be permitted to talk, now, suggested: “Well Mira, if it would have worked, why don’t you try it with him?” A smug look crept over his features, waiting for her reply.

“Maybe I will... And whilst I’m at it, I’ll see if that bounty on Jedi is still up for grabs,” Mira retorted, a sarcastic look playing upon her face.

The two exchanged brief s******, before Mission jumped into the momentary inside joke. “What do you mean... are you a Bounty Hunter?”

“What, me?” the redhead enquired, quite expectedly.

“Yeah...”

“Used to be - I don’t hunt anymore,” she explained, and despite this, Darren sensed a great bundle of fear wash over the Twi’lek. He tried to sense her thoughts, yet he found that he could not, due to the fact that she was too muddled up, considering the dilemma with Jekko-Domn and his ’debt’. He shrugged this off, and fell back into the conversation. “Don’t be scared, whatever this Jekko-Domn’s after, he sure doesn’t have my vote of confidence. He’s a rat.”

“Perhaps a strong battle plan would be necessary, if you,” Visas said, her words woven beautifully, as she addressed Mira. “are not willing to use your Bounty Hunting skills to favour our mission.”

Darren hastily sided with the ex-Sith on this note, with an eager nod.

“Oh, don’t worry, I’m going to use my ’Bounty Hunting skills’, as you called it, on this slime,” Mira murmured, quite content with the idea. “We just need a back up plan - if you hadn’t noticed with your run in with the Exchange, last time,” she stared at Darren with earnest tone, “people like this are sly, cowardly and pathetic... it’s always best to have something to run to in case there’s a problem.”

Darren quickly spun an idea, on the tip of his tongue, routing from a sudden surplus of inspiration: “Mission and I could act as Security Guards, and if it starts getting out of hand, or going the wrong way, we could drag you out, claiming you’re ‘breaking the rules.’ Visas could use her excellent mind skills, additionally, to percieve what this ‘Iriz Kung’ is up to - if what you’re saying is right, Mission,” he directed his attention to the turquoise shaded women sat, before him, “this guy is weak minded, and it wouldn’t even take a fool to trick him into a false sense of security.”

Darren received a gesture of approval from everyone.

“So we have a plan?” Mission announced, enquiringly, but without even waiting for the same proposal of agreement as Darren had, she added: “Let’s go.”


----------------------------------

so that's chapter five. pretty much a taster of what's in store for Darren and co.
hope you enjoyed.

chapter 6 is underway!


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Old 07-11-2008, 08:51 PM   #37
Darth_Yuthura
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I really appreciated the extreme details that went into the dialog. Rather than the majority of the writing being quotes, you have significant emotions and details within this chapter. It must have taken more time to put so much into the character's expressions than to have them speaking. This was very elaborate and I look forward to how the characters are going to develop.

P.S. I take back the drinking comment earlier. I see that Mira did have a lot on her mind... warranting her to want to shut it out.
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Old 07-11-2008, 08:57 PM   #38
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i went over each portion 3 times to make sure everyone was in character, and I had used synonyms and whatnot. I wanted to put as much detail as I could into this without leaking too much information.

thank you very much for the comment! i'm glad you like it, so far. and indeed, there was a lot on her mind. literally. lol.


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Old 07-11-2008, 08:59 PM   #39
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Oooh, liked the descriptiveness in this chapter, especially on Mira. I like how Mission is working with the group now. I think Mission and Mira make a good team. They compliment eachother well. So Mira's gonna work her stuff then? That should be interesting...

I'm eagerly awaiting the next installment. Keep it up, this is quite enjoyable!

~HOP



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Old 07-12-2008, 04:33 AM   #40
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I'm glad you like it! People are probably wondering why Visas hasn't played a big role yet. Oh, she'll get her chance

and yer, Mira is gonna' work her stuff haha. I'm gonna' enjoy describing that scene ^_^ mwhaha.


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