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Old 06-21-2008, 04:17 AM   #1
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My chains are broken

*******Story Plot*******

This story takes place 10 years after KOTOR 2,A young human Jedi padawan named Alec Curon and his human jedi master named Suro Ganna are in the valley of the dark lords this is a test to prove Alec can resist the power of the darkside.The council was against it when Suro first brought it up but they thought it would be a good lesson for the eager padawan to see the taint of the darkside himself.

Its my first fan fic enjoy

Chapter 1:Feet walk the surface

Their republic shuttle dropped down in a clear area in the valley of the dark lords.Alec was the first one off the shuttle.His pale skin started to tingle at the touch of Korriban's sun.

"The force is strong here master,even the winds echo with a certain pain."-Alec said putting his hood over his face to block the sun's glare.

Alec was headstrong when his master first came to him about it.He didnt believe in the darkside he just thought of jedi using their powers foolishly but he would soon be very wrong.

Suro walked off the shuttle next he scratched his cut blond hair and stretched.

"That is the power of the darkside you feel,you are very intuned with the force Alec the call will be stronger to you."-Suro said starting to walk into the valley.

Alec couldnt help but admire the statues of the Sith lords.He could feel something in him anger and hate.

"Which tomb are we going in master?"-Alec said still looking at the god like statues.

"You are going into the tomb of Tulak Hord a great sith swordsman.You must find resting place then come back to me."

"But master the door is being blocked by solid objects."-Alek replied in dissapointment.

"Use the force."

Alec was a jedi gaurdian but was also skilled into the force itself.
He began to concentrate on the objects in front of the door.The stones began to shake.Then one by one was getting lifted off the ground.After a few secounds the door was clear.

"Good luck my apprentice."-Suro said walking away from Alec.

Chapter 2:Words from the past

Alec walked into the dark tomb.He could hear the voices of wild animals and he thought he could hear someone whispering to him.The door shut behind him and wouldnt open.It must be his master's work.He walked down one corrider and read the markings on the way he was trying to figure out what they meant but it was of an old language probally sith.After a hour of walking in the dark and fighting off Tuk'ata after weak Tuk'ata.He approached the Sith's resting place.Revan came threw this same spot and took the dark lord's mask.Now it was Alec's turn to be remebered by the jedi.Alec looked down at the sith's skeleton and found a sith amulet.He lifted it off the corpse's neck.

The door slammed behind him and a shadow figure formed in front of him.The figure had a black mask with black robes with red markings.

"Who....who are you?"-Alec said in a frightened tone.

The shadow spoke in a language not known to Alec.Then the spirit nodded and began to speak Galatic Basic.

"I am the Great Tulak Hord,Why are you here jedi!"-The voice said in a angered whisper.

"I am here for my master he does not think my powers and ability are strong enough to resist the darkside.But i will prove him wrong!"-Alec said in a loud voice that echoed threw the room.

"You are stong in the force i can see it flowing off of you,you waste your time with the blind jedi order,i can teach you a deeper aspect of the force,you could become a powerful sith."-Tulak Hord said with his still whispered voice.

"I will not fall to the darkside."-Alec said.

"You want to taste it....it calls to you but you ignore it.Now i will show you the greatest sith swordsman in the galaxy!"-Tulak Hord said as he unsheathed a red lightsaber the blade was longer then most.With a black alloy hilt.

Alec drew upon his hilt in his hand.A bright blue beam shot out from his saber.

"I will show you the power of the darkside!"-Tulak Hord said launching towards Alec.

Alec wasnt ready for Tulak's powerful move.Tulak spun threw the air like a small tornado flying right towards Alec.

(Next Chapter Coming soon)

Last edited by SithLord1; 06-21-2008 at 05:49 AM.
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Old 06-21-2008, 05:47 AM   #2
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it's a good start.
however, you avoided many places you had opportunity to describe.
try using the 5 senses. just a tip.

"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."

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Old 06-21-2008, 02:00 PM   #3
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Yea i know i was short on time so i had to speed threw alot of parts it will be better next chapter though. ^_^

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Old 06-21-2008, 03:42 PM   #4
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It is definately a start.

One morsel of advice that I will give to use spaces. You seem to be cramming the sentances togather. As Burnseyy said, you did miss some spots where you could have put in a lot more description. I'm sure that the next chapter will have more of it.

Good start! Keep on writing, and I will look forward to the next chapter!

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Old 06-22-2008, 12:19 AM   #5
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Chapter 3:The Wrong Choice

Alec blocked the first strike away from his face.The ferocity of the sith's attack put Alec on defence the whole time.Alec switched to his Ataru stance hopeing to get the upper hand during the duel but he sith had a stance Alec had never seen before.Tulak Hord's stance was impossible to get past.He held his light saber over his shoulder like a Telosian Scorpian.

Every step Alec took he made a swing but the Sith's attack were not faltering.And Alec just found himself exausted.

Alec stopped and looked at the Sith Lord,but now it wasnt the sith lord it was Suro his jedi master.

"You are weak i knew i shouldnt have took you for training i should have left you on Telos to die just like your parents.I have not the patience for weakness and fear."-The figure of Suro said folding his arms and looking at Alec like he was a small child.

Alec knew this was'nt his master he knew it was just the sith lord trying to turn him.But his rage and hate grew he knew the sith was correct he was weak and wanted to become stronger.

Alec made a force jump towards the ghoust.His saber was being controlled by anger his attacks only got stronger.The sith sliced at Alec from all sides.

The only thing you could hear were the sound of flesh being burned by a lightsaber.Alec knelt to the ground in pain he had two cuts on his legs and one on his right arm.It was a pain he never felt before.Alec got back up and continued the fight,his robes were torn and his control over his emotions vanished.

"Give up Alec you will never win."-Tulak Hord said.

"Allow me to train you and you could use your powers to help the jedi rebuild."-Tulak Hord said.

The sith was lieing but Alec was too trusting and after seeing the sith lord in combat he wanted to have that power.

"I......i will accept your training.....my master."-Alec said.

"Now you will be known as Darth Taral.Alec no longers exsist."-Whipsered Tulak.

If Alec could see behind the Sith lord's mask he would see a evil smirk across his face.Alec was lieing to Tulak.He would use the power he would learn and use it to destroy the Sith spirit.But Alec didnt know once you have let the darkside control you it is harder to resist its call.

"Remove the skull off the skeleton."-Tulak said over Alec's shoulder.

Alec did was he was told a secret door opened.A musty smell ran threw Alec's nose.

"The sith built this tunnel to my real resting place."-Tulak said floating down the long stairs.

"Why?"- replied Alec.

"Because of grave robbers,and foolish jedi trying to learn the ways of the ancient sith.This is were your training will end."-Tulak said with that same whisper tone.

"But i just became your apprentice."-Alec said in confusion.

Tulak began to chant in a unknown language his voice echoed the large room.Torches began to light by themselves.The room was made in some wierd black rock material with a large statue of Tulak Hord on a large throne.

Lightning swirled around Alec.Pain shot threw his body,Alec screamed but no words came out.It felt like someone had been carving designs with a lightsaber into his flesh.He stared down at his pale white arms.Strange markings began to form over his whole body but stopped at the neck.

"This pain will stay with you forever as a lesson of the sith's hate towards the jedi.you have become more powerful then you realize but you will not know this power intill you have turned towards your anger towards the jedi and all your enemies."-Tulak's ghost said as it slowly began to vanish.

Alec's vision began to dim...he slowly slipped into darkness.

Chapter 4:A Friendly Face

Sare waited on the ship waiting for his padawan to return from his mission.It had been a whole day since Alec went in.Suro grew tired of waiting he knew he should have waited till Alec was more mature for this task.Right before Sare walked to the tomb door the doors opened and a figure in torn brown robes appeared.

"Al......Alec?"-Suro said running over to his apprentice

"Are you ok.......what happened to your eyes!"-Suro said staring down into what look like twin suns.

Alec was completely changed,his skin had sith markings and his old emerald green eyes changed.Instead of jet black his hair was now snow white.

"I passed master....i passed"-Alec said laughing.

Sare hugged Alec tightly.

"Please forgive me..."-Suro said with tears in his eyes.

Suro picked up Alec and walked towards the shuttle.He gently layed Alec into his bed.He removed the torn robes and saw the sith markings running down his body.

"Maybe the council can help us."-Suro whispered leaving Alec's room.

Suro has raised alec since he was 2 Alec just broke into manhood but still had his child like behavior.Alec thought of Suro as his dad and savior,Suro saved him from Malak's fleet above Telos.

He had to help Alec even if he had to do it behind the council.

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Old 06-22-2008, 03:16 PM   #6
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Not bad at all, but I am still a little confused. Is Alec still lying to Tulak Hord? Does Alec truly want to be a Sith? Just curious, because I couldn't really get that clear.

I see that you put in a lot of extra description, which is a good thing. However, I challenge you to keep on adding more. It will only make the story better. Keep up the good work though SithLord1!

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Old 06-22-2008, 05:44 PM   #7
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Alec wants the power that Tulak Hord controls,but he wants to use it to help the jedi and defeat the Sith.

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Old 06-22-2008, 06:20 PM   #8
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That is definately a hard balance. Hopefully Alec will make the right decision.

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Old 06-22-2008, 06:32 PM   #9
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Chapter 4:There is no Ignorance

Alec had healed from his lightsaber wounds and told his master what he encountered in the tomb.Now back on Coruscant in their living chambers.

"So it was the spirit of Tulak Hord?"-Suro said pondering on Alec's story.

Alec scratched his white hair,and rubbed his black markings they seemed to burn to the touch.

"The council wished to see you,i have told them of these events and they wish to talk to you."-Suro said in a sad tone.

Alec put on his new black robes they seemed to fir his look more as Suro would joke about.Alec and his master walked side by side threw the new jedi temple.Alec kept his hood on to not scare the other jedi of his new appearance.
Suro stopped in front of the council doors, he looked to Alec and spoke.

"No matter what the council tells you i will be behind you."-Suro said smiling puting his arm on his apprentice shoulder.

Alec looked at the ground and smiled.

"Thank you."-remarked Alec.

The doors opened and at the head of the council was master Bastila,Mical,Master Jolee Bindo,and Master Atris.

"Please.....come in apprentice."-Bastila said smiling at Alec.

"Your master comes at us with the news of your mission we are sorry this happened to you."-Mical said.

Alec removed his hood,even though the council have seen the darkside up close some winced at Alec's appearance except for Jolee.

"These markings are familiar,i have seen such things in old jedi holocrons and in the Jedi Library on Dantooine.This is the work of powerful sith alchemy."-Mical said to the council.

"Indeed,i have seen much of these in old sith holocrons"-Atris said.

"Heh....mumbo jumbo to me."-Jolee said laughing.

The council gave him a gaze.

"This is serious Jolee,Alec is one of our most skilled pupils,The order is still weak after the shadow war."-Bastila announced.

"I think we should exile him to the outer rim,the other students might quit if we have a sith among our ranks."-Atris said in a harsh tone.

"With all due respect havent you fallen to the darkside and was brought back to the light by the exile master Atris."-Suro said in a stern tone staring at Atris.

"Ha ha ha...."-Jolee said laughing out his chair.

"I am not the one on trial am i?"-Atris said.

"We will think more on this,please leave us."-Bastila said.
Chapter 5:How could you

Alec walked into the training room with his master Suro.Alec has not dueled anyone since he fought Tulak Hord.It had been a 3 days since he was in front of the council.
Alec was suppose to fight another apprentice like he from a diffrent master.A human dressed in padawan robes walked into the room with his Twi'lek master.
The jedi bowed.

"I am Tiler Leroc,master Buula asked if you would please duel me."-Tiler said

Tiler by all alien standards was scrawny,his dirty blond hair and brown eyes seemed to match perfectly with his freckles.tiler was a few years younger then Alec about 17 years old.

"Then let us begin"-Suro said.

Tiler activated his yellow bladed saber,Alec responded activating his dark blue saber.

Tiler got into his Juyo form.Alec went into a form that noone has seen before it wasnt even written down in training holocrons of the old order.Alec positioned his Blade over his shoulder like a Telosian Scorpian.
Suro's head lifted up in surprise.

"I never taught him that stance."-Suro whispered.

Alec used the force to glide threw the air.Of course Tiler didnt know how to parry the attack.Swing after jab alec put Tiler on his defense.Tiler lost his balance,and was down on one knee.But Alec just continued to swing on the scared apprentice.

"Thats enough Alec!"-Suro yelled.

Alec began to smile,his black markings began to glow a bright red.

Master Buula unsheathed his yellow saber and ran into the duel to help his apprentice.ALec lifted up his left hand and with a powerful blaster Master Buula flew back hard into a wall.

It was Suro turn to help the apprentice before Alec killed him.Suro began to let the force control him he lifted out both arms and concentrated on Alec.

"Yes.....Unlimited Power!"-Alec said still attacking helpless Tiler.But alec's smile began to fade away.His body became numb and then he couldnt move it at all.

"THAT IS ENOUGH!"-Suro yelled

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