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Old 07-10-2008, 10:07 PM   #1
HIGH ON PIE 14
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The False Peace

The False Peace

Prologue:"Darkness Revealed"

With the death of Darth Malak and the defeat of the Sith Triumvirate, a fragile peace has settled over the galaxy. Five years have passed since the exile vanquished Traya, and headed into the unknown regions, in search of Revan and the true sith. The Jedi Order struggles to rebuild and there are those who would take advantage of this weakness, and exploit it. When a plot is uncovered to kill the leading candidate in the upcoming chancellorship election, Jedi Knight Jacen Zarek is sent to investigate. This unleashes a floodgate of treacherous plots, emotions, death, and betrayal that will change the fate of the galaxy. In the urban decay of Narr Shadda a Corescant Central Intelligence agent, Kane Ja’arn, receives vital information that prompts these drastic events… events that will forever change the future of those caught up in them…

Agent Kane Ja’arn sat in the corner of Navaek’s Cantina on Narr Shadda, his eyes darting back and forth between his datascreen, and the surrounding area. He did so very carefully. No one looked twice at anyone else in Navaek’s Cantina: it might provoke a fight.

The cantina was dark and dingy and Ja’arn’s table was covered in so much grease and grime (and a dark stain on one end that looked suspiciously like blood) that he doubted it had been cleaned in years, - if ever. Still, being a field agent for Corescant Central Intelligence (CCI), he had been in places far worse. There had been a time when he had been stranded on a moon so obscure that no one had bothered to name it. It was known only by its coordinates: TN44. The nights were freezing cold and the days scorching hot. It took five days for search and rescue to find him, and when they did he was in terrible condition. All the while, he thought of nothing but his family back on Corescant, and he prayed that he would be able to see their faces again. Now he was torn away from them again. He loved them more than anything and wept bitter tears when he had to leave them, but he continued to serve his Republic.

Ja’arn shook his head to clear out these intruding thoughts. He had to concentrate. He scratched at one of his green lekku and sipped his drink trying to appear casual. He had been chosen to go to Narr Shadda because of his twi’lek heritage. The theory was he would blend right in. But he had decided that this would be his last mission. Afterwards, he would work close to home so he could see his little daughter, Nenya’s smiling face. “I love you daddy,” she would say, her big brown eyes glowing with emotion. Then she would hug him and he would scoop her up in his arms and hug her tight. As Kane thought of this, he fingered the woven wristband she had made for him just before leaving on this mission to Narr Shadda. It was one of his most treasured positions. Kane smiled sadly at the thought of how far away she was now.

Suddenly he heard a soft beeping that snapped him out of his reverie. He glanced down at his datascreen. Two words appeared on it: Attempt Confirmed. At this, Ja’arn snatched his comlink from his utility belt.

“This is Kane Ja’arn,” he whispered softly but quickly.

“This is CCI director Jorrin, I’m listening,” a voice said from the comlink.

“The attempt is confirmed, the target is Senator Matrik Jace,” said Ja’arn, his eyes raking the room. He noticed a Phlog by the bar, staring at him. As soon as Ja’arn looked at the phlog, the phlog looked away.

“Good work, Kane. Obviously Taran wasn’t stupid when he appointed you for this mission.”

“Yes sir,” said Ja’arn distractedly, eyeing the phlog. “I’ll call you with an update once off planet.” He ended the transmission. “Well,” he thought, “I better contact the guys at the transport and tell them its time to leave.” Ja’arn spoke into his comlink again.

“Hey Menka, everthing is set, get the ship fired up so we can blow this cesspool.” No answer came from the comlink. There was a slight pause and then nothing but static.

Kane’s eyes widened. “Damn it,” he hissed under his breath. His cover was blown. Someone knew he was here and they weren’t at all happy about it. Kane rose swiftly from his seat. He had to find a way out. He noticed a server coming through a grimy swinging door and he sprinted through it. Ja’arn found himself in the kitchen, and saw, at the opposite end of the room, the door that lead out of the cantina. Pushing a table laden with food out of his way, and ignoring the shouts and protests of the cooks, he rammed through the exit.

The ground just outside the exit was covered in some sort of slippery goo and Ja’arn slipped and fell hard on his left shoulder. White-hot pain shot through his arm. He tried to pick himself up, but a rough gravely voice from behind stopped him.

“Don’t move or you’re dead!”

With a quick glance, Ja’arn saw that the owner of that voice was the phlog who had been watching him inside the cantina. He had a blaster leved at Ja’arn’s head. Suddenly two long, leather, boots appeared blocking out all else in Ja’arn’s vision.

“I got him,” said the phlog excitedly to the new comer.

“I can see that,” came another voice, in a condescending tone.

Ja’arn’s eyes darted up and saw a petite human female standing over him. Her black leather boots ran up to her knees. She was wearing short, and very tight leather shorts and a matching shirt that left little to the imagination. In contrast to the outfit, she wore a variety of holsters for guns, throwing knives, and grenades. She had long black hair that ran freely down her pale skin and sported prominent, black, eyeliner. She appeared to be studying Ja’arn carefully.

“Not a very good agent, are you?” she said mockingly. “Obviously not since you were caught by that stupid oaf,” she sneered jerking her head towards the phlog. Her complexion changed from one of superiority to anger. “What did you tell the CCI?” she snapped. The sudden change in her voice was alarming. It was not silky anymore, rather, it was cold and hard as steel. Ja’arn shut his mouth resolutely.

The woman smiled as if amused. “Tell me now, or you die, just like your friends on your ship.”

“Go to hell,” Ja’arn snarled painfully, hoping in vain that his friends were somehow alive. He hated this woman with a burning passion for what she had done to them.

The woman’s eyes flashed with red-hot anger. “I’ll see you there.” She said taking aim with her blaster. She shot Ja’arn twice in the chest in quick succession. As Ja’arn’s vision faded he heard his daughter’s voice in his head – “I love you daddy.” “I love you too, baby girl,” he whispered almost inaudibly, in despair, knowing that he would never again see her bright smiling face. His last breath left him.

The phlog looked shocked. “Mandy,” he stammered “what did you do? He was the leader, what happens when they come looking for his body?”

Mandy eyed him coolly, pushing a strand of ebony hair delicately from her face, and fingering her blaster thoughtfully. “You’re right. One of us will have to stay here so the other can escape. When an investigation team comes, they won’t leave until the find the one responsible”

“So…so one of us has to stay?” said the phlog, clearly not catching on.

“Yes, and it’s not gonna be me.”

With that Mandy shot the phlog right between the eyes. She knelt down beside the dead phlog. “Now they’ll think you killed each other,” she whispered into the phlog’s dead ear. She holstered her blaster. The only emotion on her face was a slight tightness in her jaw. She searched Ja’arn’s body and copied all the files off of his datapad onto her own, before smashing his to pieces. She saw the wristband that Ja’arn wore, the one his daughter had made for him, that was so special to him. She removed it from his wrist, but on further inspection, apparently decided it wasn’t worth much. She tossed it carelessly down one of the many bottomless pits on Narr Shadda.

Mandy stood up. She plucked a tube of red lipstick from a small pouch at her waist, and lightly smeared her lips with it, as if nothing had happened. She placed the tube back in its pouch, walked over to her swoop, which was parked nearby. She mounted it, and sped off into the night, leaving Kane Ja’arn’s body, eagle spread, in the decay of Narr Shadda.

-----------------------------------------------------

As I reread this, it seemed a bit rushed, but this is only the prologue, so I didn't want to make it too long, but there was a lot I had to get in. Obviously these are not the main characters of the story. Jorrin will appear again, and most liklely Mandy, but neither will be that major. My next addition will be chapter 1 and will be about the main characters.


~HOP



Viva La Resistance!
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Old 07-10-2008, 10:21 PM   #2
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It's Nar Shadaa.
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Old 07-10-2008, 10:21 PM   #3
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wowwiie awesome prologue here.
i have a love for these types of stories lol. you know, the calm and casual guy doing 'under cover' work. thrillers, if you will.
just star wars makes it better.


loved the description.. just saw a few grammar mistakes. Also, it's Nar Shaddaa but everyone makes them.
looking forward to when you update.


"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."



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Old 07-10-2008, 10:22 PM   #4
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No. That's not all. I really like how you started with a random scene as though life was just going on and something interrupted it.

The Daughter hearing her father's words was a great piece and this story has my attention. Wondering what this will lead to.
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Old 07-10-2008, 10:31 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth_Yuthura View Post
No. That's not all. I really like how you started with a random scene as though life was just going on and something interrupted it.

The Daughter hearing her father's words was a great piece and this story has my attention. Wondering what this will lead to.
That's true. It was like something you'd see in a real film. I pictured it well.


"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."



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Old 07-10-2008, 11:09 PM   #6
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Ah yes, I thought something was fishy with my spelling. I honestly only read it though once before submitting. I never was good at grammar, but I'm improving. Mandy really is a detestable character...I have not decided what to do with her though...thanks for the compliments guys! Glad you liked the family backround and voice I put in.

As for the undercover thing: Yeah even though Ja'arn is dead, the general theme of the story will continue, only this time with Jacen Zarek doing most of it. I plan to have him working with the CCI which is kinda like a CIA, of the SW world. Also Sen. Jace will be a major character. Just before, I post chapter 1 (probably early next week) I just thought I'd stick in a character list, of all the major ones with descriptions and pronunciation key.

Jacen Zarek:(JA-sen ZARE-ek) Jacen was promoted to the rank of Knight early, and was a padawan in the Jedi Civil War. Left the order b/c they turned on Revan and the jedi who fended off the Mandelorians. He trained himself extensively during the war but chose to stay out of it. Does what he thinks is right, even if it means not following the jedi code.

Virago Nual:(VEER-a-go NOO-all) Jacen's new and 1st apprentice. He often bites off more than he can chew but is surprisingly compassionate under his sarcastic exterior.

Marit Thel Tanis: (MAR-it ~ rhymes with dare it~ THEL TAN-is) Jacen's best freind. She is training to be a jedi tech and researcher. Due to the scarcity of the Jedi at this time she works with CCI and learns there until she is ready to train new jedi techs. She covers for Jacen's rule bending.

Senator Matrik Jace: (MA-trik Jace)- Senator from Ipaga II, leader in the chancellor election, a charismatic and strong leader.

Vorzar Kahbei:(VOR-zar KA-bay) A Vurk jedi who has worked with Jacen on previous missions. What is a Vurk? http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Vurk

Marlena Jace:(mar-LANE-a Jace) Wife of Matrik Jace.

Jorrin Ptakh:JORR-in TA) head of CCI.

Taran Vhek: (TAR-an VEK) Head of Logistics and Tactical Strategy at CCI, does not like jedi very much, especially Jacen.

Aruil Nenenitosael:(AR-ooeel ne-ne-NIT-o-sale) a humanoid Teevan, Aruil is a graceful jedi apprentice, however she has an odd personality and believes in extraordinary things, and is considered weird by her peers. What is a Teevan - http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Teevan



Viva La Resistance!
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Old 07-11-2008, 04:23 PM   #7
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Chapter 1: Dark Dreams

Rain fell from the deep purple sky of Corescant. Lightning brilliantly lit up the heavens and thunder boomed in an angry rage – rage that was felt in the heart of the Jedi Temple. A conflict was brewing within. Sixteen year old Jacen Zarek stood barefoot in one of the many wide, sweeping, corridors of the Jedi Temple, this corridor, just outside his room. His master Ankare Solaar had woken him in the middle of the night to tell him important news.

“You’re leaving?” asked Jacen in a hurt voice.

“The council has decided that Revan and his followers are a deep threat to the galaxy. They must be stopped.” Ankare bent down so his huge body would be at Jacen’s height. His long brown, russet-streaked hair flapping in an unfelt wind. He put one of his large, strong, hands on Jacen’s shoulder. “I have to face them, I have no choice. They are not jedi anymore, I’m sorry,” he said, his eyes looking into Jacens, which were full of sadness.
“Why do you have to go? Just because the council ordered you to?!” said Jacen in an angry, choked voice, afraid of what he was going to hear next.

“It’s more complicated than that, Jacen,” Ankare said, “I don’t have the luxury of explaining fully. I have to go. The council has ordered that my ship is to leave within the hour. I-”

“Revan saved the galaxy by what he did! Those Jedi who followed him are heroes! How could you betray them?” Jacen shouted,”You just obey the council and leave me here?”

A single tear rolled down Ankare’s chiseled cheek. He stood up, removing his hand from Jacen’s shoulder. “I hope one day you will understand. I’ll see you when I return,” he said confidently, though they both knew he would not. Ankare looked at his padawan one last time, his eyes meeting Jacen’s,- green meeting brown- which were full of confusion and hurt. Ankare could bear the sight no longer and turned around, heading down to the hanger, to his ship…and to war.

Jacen fell to his knees, not noticing the pain as they hit the hard, unforgiving, polished stone floor. Tears fell thick and fast. His master…his only friend in this cruel world, was gone.

He tried to run after Ankare, but his body would not cooperate. His tears of grief turned to hot tears of hate, hate for the council, as they trickled into a pool on the floor…He unclipped his lightsaber from his belt and held it up to his neck, his finger mere centimeters away from the power button. One push of a button to end all this pain and suffering. Jacen could feel his heart beating, and he could hear it too – like drums. It beat louder and louder and his finger slid closer to the power button…


A harsh beeping sound startled Jacen awake. He jerked his head up and threw off the soft, pale blue, sheets that had encased his body, trapping in the warmth. Jacen shook his head as if trying to get a squeeter fly off it.

He realized that he had only been dreaming of painful memories…memories from five years ago…memories he wished to forget. Jacen looked over at the comm device mounted on his wall and realized that this was what had woken. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!, the device droned incessantly. He sighed loudly. So much for a good nights sleep. Only when he stood up and started to make his way over to the comm. Device did he realize he was covered in cold sweat. It had soaked through and drenched his undergarment, in which he had been sleeping. He peeled it off, and felt somewhat better that he was free of the cold, wet, fabric. He ran his hand through his dark brown hair and pushed a small, red, button, answering the comm device.

“This is Zarek,” he said groggily into the comm unit.

“Jacen, it’s Marit…you sound terrible,”

Jacen sighed, leave it to Marit to pick up on his discomfort. Marit was Jacen’s best friend in the new Jedi order established by the exile, before he had left in search of Revan in the unknown regions. Jacen and Marit had grown close, and both shared similar views on Revan and the Jedi Civil War.

“Well how am I supposed to sound, since you’re waking me up in the middle of the night?” said Jacen dryly, trying to throw her off. He wasn’t in the mood for past sharing. “Whats up?”

“I just got a message from Master Shan. She says CCI director Ptakh wants us to report to CCI headquarter immediately…said it had something to do with Jace.

All tiredness left Jacen’s body. Matrik Jace was the senator that he had been assigned to protect. As the leading candidate in the current chancellor race, was a likely target for many criminals.

“What’s going on Marit? Does he need our help?”

“Good to hear you’re finally awake, “ said Marit in a teasing tone, “And I don’t know the details. All Bastila told told me was that we need to be at CCI in fifteen minutes. We’ll be briefed there.”

Marit was knowledgeable and well integrated into the CCI’s system. She was training to be a Jedi tech, one you worked with computers. She was an expert at programming, decryption, and analysis. Since there were no Jedi techs to teach her, due the Jedi Order’s rebuilding stage, she got her training at CCI and in turn helped them on missions. After the Jedi Civil War, many people had become distrustful of the Jedi, even at CCI. Taran Vhek in particular was prejudiced against them. He and Jacen had been at constant odds ever since they met.

“I don’t suppose Bastila could have told us more?” asked Jacen, slightly agitated that Bastila was keeping them in the dark.

“Yeah, but you know Bastila,” muttered Marit, “probably thinks she’s too important to tell us herself.”

“You must trust in my greater wisdom,” said Jacen imitating Bastila’s voice and accent. “I’m far too superior to spend time on petty things such as telling you what is going on. I’ll just annoy you be speaking in preachy riddles.”

Jacen heard Marit snort with laughter over the comm. “You better hope she never catches you poking fun at her,” warned Marit jokingly, “Iv’e seen Bastila when she is angry – it’s not pretty.”

“Anyway,” said Jacen getting back on topic, “Can you meet me in front of my room and then we can head over?”

“Yeah, I’ll meet you there. We should probably wake up Virago on our way out. The more Jedi the better.” Virago Nual was had been Jacen’s padawan for only a month now, but their bond had formed quickly

“O.K., see you in a few” Jacen switched off the comm device. The conversation with Marit had pushed aside his dark thoughts like unwanted cobwebs…at least for now. Though he still felt a heaviness about himself.

He quickly dug through his footlocker and with some difficulty, pulled on new, clean, underwear, vaguely cursing whatever nut-brained son of a wompa rat had decided to go with a one piece spandex uni-suit as standard issue undergarments. Jacen rummaged through his clothes, pulled out a fresh, black, jedi robe, and hastily put it on. He then plucked his double-bladed lightsaber off the plasteel nightstand, next to his sleep couch. The cool, notched surface felt like a comforting weight in his hand. He remembered with an uncomfortable squirm that his lightaber’s sapphire blade had almost taken his life. He shuddered at the thought. Jacen clipped his jedi tool to his belt, put on his boots, and started for the door.

Just as he reached it, the door slid open to reveal Marit standing outside. On any other day, he would have made a comment about her not knocking first, but today, he chose to ignore it. They had more important things to deal with.

“Ready to go?” she asked briskly. Marit was a tall human female with light brown, shoulder-length, spikey hair that shone in the moonlight. She wore a tan robe who’s bulk could not hide her thin, but shapely frame. Her lips were a calm shade of pink.

They walked in silence down the corridors to Virago’s quarters. They took a shortcut through the room of a thousand fountains. The sound of rushing water always soothed Jacen. His closed his eyes as they walked, savoring the sound and picturing the sparkling, crystal clear water in his mind.

“Want to tell me what’s wrong?” asked Marit bluntly,

“I don’t know what you mean,” said Jacen elusively, but opening his eyes.

“Oh, come on, Jacen, do you really think you can hide it from me when something is bothering you?”

“Was I so obvious that you could tell?”

“A blind gizka could tell, now spill,” said Marit impatiently.

“Just a bad dream is all,” said Jacen staring at that floor as they exited the room of a thousand fountains and turned right. Why did Marit have to be so nosy? Marit looked at him with concern and care.

“Well when you want to talk, I’m here for you.”

“Thanks,” Jacen said sincerely, meeting Marit’s large, amber, eyes. He smiled slightly. It felt good to have a friend who cared about him.

They reached Virago’s quarters, and Jacen knocked on the door. No answer. He tried again. Still no answer. “Virago?” Jacen stretched out with the force, trying to feel his padawan, but felt nothing. “Marit, can you?-”

“On it,” said Marit crisply, taking out her security set from its pouch on her belt. Within a minute she bypassed the locking mechanism. Jacen dashed into the room. Virago’s sleep couch was empty. The sheets did not even look like they had been touched. Marit poked her head into the bathroom to see if Virago was there.

Jacen scanned the room for some sort of clue. His eyes fell on the open window at the other end of the room. A gentle breeze wafted through it. Its soothing effect, was marred by the sounds of speeders zooming by, honking their horns. Jacen stuck his head out the window and looked down. Only two floors down was a courtyard and a walkway, that lead to the hanger, where the Jedis’ speeders and ships were docked. Many had not moved since the Jedi Civil War. Virago could easily have used his liquid cable launcher to skirt the wall and sneak out. Jacen felt an enormous weight drop into his stomach. Virago had snuck out, and could be anywhere.

* * * *
A sleek silver cruiser shot through the busy space lanes of Corescant. Flanked by an escort of four well armed fighters, the ship pulled out of the lanes and landed smoothly on a circular landing pad in front of Senator Matrik Jace Campeign Headquarters. The senator’s eighteen year old son, Leo, watched the criuser’s progress and when it touched down, his mouth twitched upward in a relieved smile.

Senator Matrik Jace quickly rose from his plush seat, aboard his ship. He walked with long strides to the boarding ramp. He clenched and unclenched his hands impatiently. Being cooped up on a ship, even for a short while, did not suit him. Jace was a tall, broad human, with dark brown skin. He had calm but strong features. His very being exuded confidence and assurance. He forced himself to stop moving his hands. Jace waited with a controlled patience as the boarding ramp lowered. His Chief of Staff, Tyro Cahlgael, a Mon Calamarian, came up beside him, concern written all over his face.

Jace glanced down at his aquatic friend. “What is it Tyro?”

“Matrik I’ve just got through talking to the director of CCI,” said Tyro tentatively.

“About what?” asked Jace in his deep, calm, yet commanding voice.

“They just got intell from their undercover agent on Nar Shaddaa. They believe there will be an attempt on your life within the next twenty four hours,” said Tyro grimly.

Jace sighed in relief. “Is that what this doom and gloom look on your face is all about?” It had taken years, but Jace could now read his friend’s alien face as well as he could read any human’s. “I get death threats every morning with my munja juice. You know that, as well as I do.”

“I don’t know the details yet, sir, but it sounds like this threat carries some weight.”

“I respect their assessment, but I’m running for Supreme Chancellor of the Republic. I can’t very well sit in my room and hope to win,” said Jace as he, Tyro and his bodyguards descended down the boarding ramp. “I-” Jace looked up to see his son, Leo, coming towards him, a huge smile on his face.

“We’ll talk about this later,” said Jace in a hushed tone so that only Tyro would hear.
He stepped forward and embraced his son warmly.

“Leo, how was the campaign rally?”

“Aww it was great dad, thousands of people were there and they watched your speech. Through all of Senator Grimke’s speech, they chanted “We want Jace!”

Jace chuckled, “That’s great.”

As the group entered the turbolift that would take them up to campaign headquarters, eighty floors above them, Jace could not help but feel, that despites his comments, something was wrong. Very wrong.

* * * *

Location: CCI (Corescant Central Intelligence) Headquarters, Corescant.

The main floor of CCI was a broad level, filled with curving metal desks, laden with computers. The walls were covered by chrome monitors displaying things such as feed from security cameras, or a building schematic. A conference room was situated in the middle of the floor, its walls made of a frosty glass, so that only an outline of what was inside could be seen. The whole place was bursting with the latest technology.

Nakaya Li, CCI’s main code breaker and hacker, strode, in a slightly irritated manner, into the main floor of CCI. She had been out at a party, when her collegue, Taran Vhek had called her into work. It was an “urgent matter” he had said. She walked up to Taran.

“Nakaya, glad you’re here, we could really use your help,” said Taran, in his rough, yet silky voice, looking up from his computer.

“All I can say is somebody better be dead or dying,” said Nakaya tartly. It wasn’t often she could go out partying, and the twenty five year old relished every chance she got.

“Oh, are we interrupting your social life?” asked Taran sarcastically, eyeing Nakaya’s hair which had been dyed a bright purple, and her naval piercing that showed due to her skimpy party clothes. Obviously she had not gone home to change first.

“At least I have one,” Nakaya muttered in a singsong voice.

“Cute,” said Taran. “I’ll choose to ignore that. Listen, we got some info from agent Ja’arn on Nar Shaddaa. Now I don’t know the details yet,” said Taran, quickly, as Nakaya opened her mouth to speak. “Director Ptakh said he was sending in help, do you know who he meant?”

Nakaya looked at Taran carefully through her slanted eyes taking in his short black hair and soul patch. “I don’t know, but this mission sounds big, so maybe he’s bringing in Jedi.”

“That’s what I was afraid of,” murmured Taran, dropping his head in frustration.

“Who else is here?” asked Nakaya scanning the large room, searching for a change of topic. It wasn’t smart to get Taran talking about Jedi unless you wanted to hear a long, but admittedly a well rehearsed rant, about them.

“Everybody but Director Ptakh…and his - ehem…help,”said Taran clearing his throat.

“I’ll start digging up everything we have on Jace,” said Nakaya.

Taran, immersed in his own thoughts did not hear her. Jedi coming here? Other than Marit who was here on a regular basis, Jedi rarely came to the CCI. “Well if they do,” he thought, “I won’t let them get in my way.”

-----------------------------------------------------

Well thats chapter 1. I'll be posting #2 soon. I'll be introducing one of the more intersting characters, Aruil Nenenitosael, for whom the chapter is named. After typing, I was too tired to proofread (I'm a really slow typer) so there are probably mistakes throughout.

~HOP



Viva La Resistance!

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Old 07-11-2008, 05:39 PM   #8
Burnseyy
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what an amazing attachment!
i thoroughly enjoyed it. great descriptions, nice and suspenseful.

few typos, i saw. nothing much really.

oh oh and one last thing. The name "Tyro"? i used that in an original prose i wrote, when i was about 11. haha.


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Old 07-11-2008, 07:23 PM   #9
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Haha, that funny! I got the name from a SW book...don't remember which one though... what a coincidence that we've both used the same name.

I went through and fixed some of the more blatant typos, but I'm sure there are plenty that I missed. Can't wait to finish up writing chapter 2. Aruil is my favorite character (after Jacen of course) and I'm looking forward to introducing her. Thanks for the comments and support! I really appreciate every single piece of feedback on my fic, especially since its my first here on the forums.

~HOP



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Old 07-12-2008, 12:02 AM   #10
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I really like it. I think that you are doing a great job with it.

One thing that I did notice though is you are spelling "Coruscant" wrong. It should be spelled the way that I just put it as. That was probably the major mistake that I found. Other than that, I know that it has already been pointed out, but there were some other simple spelling errors. Nothing too big, or not understandable. I am really looking forward to chapter two. I like your description, and the suspense. It adds a lot to a story, and really makes your readers want more. Keep up the great work HOP!

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Old 07-12-2008, 08:30 PM   #11
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Urrrgh- why can't I spell my SW terms right? First Nar Shadaa and now Coruscant. I guess part of the problem with the typos is that I type it late at night, when I'm tired...probably shouln't do that.

Anyway, thanks Rev! In this story I'm trying to focus on suspence and descriptiveness, though there will be some action a little later, probably chapter 3 will have a lot. Chapter 2 will introduce many more characters and a new storyline and will probably be up later today or tomorrow.

~HOP



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Old 07-15-2008, 12:52 AM   #12
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Chapter 2: Aruil Nenenitosael

Jacen Zarek strode down the empty corridor of the Jedi Temple, Marit at his side. Their footsteps echoed in the gargantuan hall. Large, ceiling to floor – length windows lined one side of the corridor, separated by thick, marble columns. With each window they passed, Jacen glanced out it, as if hoping to see a large sign saying “Heres Virago.”

“We shouldn’t have left,” murmured Jacen remorsefully into the air, referring to Virago’s room.

“Look,” said Marit, obviously choosing her words carefully, “Virago is a tough kid…and he has a level head. He probably just snuck out with his friends or something. He’ll be fine. But right now there are a lot of people at CCI counting on you. You made a tough call by putting the mission first – and for what it’s worth…I think you made the right one.

Jacen stopped walking and Marit followed suit. “It’s just…my master abandoned me, to fight on the side of the council in the Jedi Civil War. He just left me here…alone. I needed him and he left. I – I – just don’t want to make that same mistake with Virago,” Jacen, said, his face saddened, his eyes echoing with pain from the past. “It hurt me when he left; so much that I contemplated suicide,” As he said this, his lightsaber, hanging from his belt, seemed to get heavier, dragging him down.

“I know,” whispered Marit, her eyes watery, as she thought of how close she had come to losing a friend, “But, Jacen, this isn’t the same thing, you’re not abandoning him. You are choosing not to abandon the mission, and that counts for something.”

Jacen remained silent.

“Hey, it’s okay, if Virago isn’t back by the time we return from CCI, I promise I’ll help you look for him – I’ll even scour all of Coruscant if I have to.”

Jacen reached over, and gave Marit’s hand a compassionate squeeze. She was right; Virago was probably just trying to get away and relax for a while. How many times had Virago told him that he didn’t like being cooped up in the temple all the time? This thought lifted Jacen’s spirits out of the gloom. He gave Marit a small smile.

Marit smiled back, and the pair exited the Jedi Temple and stepped onto the landing pad where their speeder was waiting. Next to the sleek, metallic-black, transport was a tall, hulking figure that Jacen would recognize anywhere.

“Vorzar!” Jacen exclaimed excitedly, quickening his pace to reach the figure. “What are you doing here?”

“The same thing you are, friend Jacen,” boomed Vorzar in his deep, melodious voice. “We are urgently needed at CCI it would seem.”

Vorzar Kahbei was a tall, Vurk, Jedi Knight, with emerald green skin, and a magnificent head crest that ran from his nose to the base of his skull on the back of his head. Jacen had become fast friends with the vurk ever since Vorzar had rescued him and Marit from a sith prison on Radon 5 six months ago. Though the bulk of the sith had been destroyed, there were still scattered remnants throughout the galaxy. At this prison, the sith tortured Jacen and Marit, trying to break them and twist them towards the darkside. They had been separated during this time, but neither gave in.

Finally, they had been rescued by a republic strike team headed by Vorzar, but Jacen had only seen Vorzar once or twice since. To this day, Jacen remembered, with startling vividness how Marits beautiful skin had been burned and slashed by the sith. The bacta bath had removed all signs of it, and Jacen was re;ieved that she looked normal again. Jacen ran his eyes over Marit’s features, admiring her smooth, flawless skin.

“Vorzar, you remember Marit Thel – Tanis.”

Vorzar blinked once and nodded, shaking Marit’s hand. To anyone who did not know Vorzar, this lack of verbal greeting may have seemed curt, but Jacen knew better. Vorzar was the strong, silent, kind of person, and waqs not one to mince words unless necessary. Jacen smiled inwardly at his friend’s typical greeting, his spirits soaring at being reunited with his friend.

The trio climbed into the hawk-like speeder. “Who’s going to brief us when we get to CCI, Vorzar?” asked Jacen as he and Marit climbd into the back seat. HE squirmed uncomfortably. The dark, leather, seats were freezing cold.

“A Taran Vhek,” grunted Vorzar shortly, from the driver’s seat, as he powered up the speeder. Jacen had to restrain himself from groaning out loud. His face must have showed his emotions though, because Marit piped up.

“He’s not that bad once you get to know him. He doesn’t hate the jedi – I mean I’m a jedi and he’s nice to me.”

“Well I’m not a pretty girl,” said Jacen slyly, with a grin. Marit turned a pale shade of pink and suddenly became very interested in her boots. Jacen thought he saw her smile shyly, but it was gone so quickly, that he wondered if he had only imagined it.

Vorzar shook his head from the front seat, expertly navigating though the crowded space lanes of Coruscant. He, for the life of him, would never understand human behavior.

*****************************


Virago Nual felt excitement coursing through his veins. He constantly whipped his head around, trying to take in everything a once. The hanger in the Jedi Temple was full of beautiful, sleek, new ships, and he was itching to take one out for a drive. His friend, Duran Thul, a male, zabrak, jedi apprentice, strode up beside him. “I’ve never been out in the Coruscant night life before, except on missions,” he said animatedly.

“You’ll love it, Duran, the city is so full of life,” said Virago, “Humans, aliens, pazaak, - anything you can imagine. Plus this time we won’t have to ride the public shuttle. We’ll be cruising in one of these babies.” He ran a hand over one of the sleek, speeder’s hoods, appreciatively.

“Are you sure you can fly this thing?” asked Duran in a challenging tone, jerking his head towards the red speeder next to him.

“Of course I can, I’m sixteen now aren’t I?” he said smiling cockily. “And besides, who’s the best in our piloting class?” It was a rhetorical question. Virago was known throughout the temple as a skilled pilot. His cocky smile faded slightly at the thought of what Master Zarek would say if he knew what he was about to do. He ran his hand through his short, spiky blonde hair. But it didn’t matter; he had been sneaking out for months, and Zarek had no clue.

Virago had grown up in the Lower City of Taris, despite the fact that he was human. His parents had died when he was very young, and he did not remember them. He had made his living selling salvage. Virago always seemed to find things that others missed. He remembered how he had escaped the destruction wrecked on Taris by Darth Malak’s fleet. He had hidden in the Undercity, in the outcast village. When the assault began, a voice inside his head urged him to flee, and guided him to the Undercity, to safety. At the time he had dismissed this as good instincts or just plain luck, but now he realized that it was the force inside of him that guided him. Later, Virago had been recruited by a visiting jedi who sensed the force inside him, and brought him back to the Jedi Temple on Coruscant, for training.

However, the temple, for all its beauty and grandness, did not feel like home. Virago would rather be out doing things, than sitting inside and “meditating.” “Duran,” Virago said thoughtfully, “do you ever feel trapped inside the temple, like a prisoner?”

Duran thought for a moment, “No, I don’t, why?”

“When I was on Taris, I had heard of the jedi. Of course the descriptions were blown way out of proportion but…the jedi sounded the most free people in the world…traveling the galaxy in fancy starships and whatnot. I felt like I was enslaved on Taris because I had to work so hard just to scratch a living. Each day I’d make enough money to buy food for the next one, but that was it. When I was invited to join the jedi I jumped at the chance… but now, I wonder, if I just traded one form of slavery for another.”

“I never considered myself a slave to the order,” said Duran, “but I see your point…we do whatever the council tells us to, and what ever the mission requires.”

“Yeah,” murmured Virago pensively. Suddenly he seemed to snap out of his thoughtfulness “But not tonight,” he said grinning. “This night is about doing what we want for a chance – so what are we waiting for?” He opened the door to the red, convertible speeder that Duran had indicated, Duran following with much anticipation. Virago was just about to climb in when suddenly a misty voice from behind stopped him.

“You’ll get in quite a bit of trouble if you get caught you know.”

Virago jumped in alarm and whirled around. Duran spun on his heal drawing one of his two purple lightsabers.

A girl, about Virago’s age was hanging upside-down from the prongs of a forklift (used to carry cargo to the ships) clutching a datapad. She had bright, pale skin that a silvery tint to it, and very long, white-blonde hair that was swaying gently. But most prominent were her large protuberant, bulging, pale blue eyes. Virago recognized her a a jedi student, one year behind him, Aruil Nenenitosael, a girl known for her strangeness. As far as he knew she had no friends because everybody thought she was so weird.

Duran cursed, realizing that she was not a threat, and that he had almost killed her, his lightsaber inches away from her neck. Aruil seemed thoroughly unfased at how close she had come to being decapitated.

“What the- you scared the crap out of- what the hell do you think you’re doing?!” Virago demanded angrily, wondering how he could have possibly failed to notice her all this time.

“Reading,” she answered simply, indicating to her datapad.

“So you came all the way down here, in the middle of the night, to read?”

“Yes that’s right,” she said pleasantly.

Virago opened his mouth to retort, but could not think of anything to say, and shut it promptly.

“Blibbering Buzzsnapper got you?” she asked in a mildly interested voice, still hanging upside-down.

“A what?” asked Virago in a slightly agitated, but curious, voice.

“The Blibbering Buzzsnapper is an invisible insect that flies around biting people’s tongues,” said Aruil matter-of-factly. “When it bites you, you will find it very hard to speak – that’s why you can feel at a loss for words – the Blibbering Buzzsnapper got you. I thought I felt one buzzing around in here.” She began swatting the air with her datapad-free hand.

Virago glanced over at Duran, who was the animal expert, but Duran had stuffed his knuckles in his mouth to keep from laughing. He took them out long enough to utter, “They’re not real, just a myth,” before stuffing them back in.

Virago felt the urge to laugh, himself, but resisted the temptation. “So…so,” he stammered trying to keep a straight face, “you came down here, to the hanger, at two in the morning…to read…and now invisible flying this arte biting my tongue? You know, that’s about the loopiest thing I’ve ever heard!”

Virago expected an angry retort, or a “Go away!” at the very least, but Aruil merely continued to stare at him as though he were a semi-interesting holovid. After a moment Virago realized that Aruil was not hanging from the forklift at all, rather she was suspended in midair, through the force. As though she sensed his thoughts, Aruil, gracefully righted herself, and landed smoothly on her feet.

“So where are we going then?” she asked conversationally.

“If be we, you mean me and Duran, then we are going to the Hive, the best pazaak den in all of Coruscant, to play a few rounds.”

“I’ll come with you then,” she said in her maddenly patient voice, “I find pazaak quite enjoyable, you know.”

Virago looked uneasily over at Duran, knowing they were thinking the same thing: They didn’t want Aruil to tag along; she would ruin the night with all her oddities and babbling about insects that didn’t exist. On the other hand, if they didn’t let her come, she could run straight to their masters, telling them everything. In a split second, they both came to the same conclusion.

“Get in,” he muttered unceremoniously, eyeing Aruil’s necklace, which was made of what appeared to be different brightly colored, lumpy, pebbles. It clashed horribly with her midnight blue jedi robe.

Virago took the pilot’s seat of the streamlined red speeder and flew at top speed out of the hanger, relishing the roar of the engines. Duran whooped in excitement, while Aruil clung to the handle on the door for dear life. Virago smirked, glad that he had unnerved her for a change. The speeder shot into the space lanes, its occupants unaware that they were being watched through a pair of binoculars, by two glowing, yellow eyes.

The owner of these eyes spoke into a comlink.

“It’s me. I have the kid in sight.”

There was a pause then a voice answered, almost incomprehensibly through the static. “Good, you know what to do.”

“Yes,” grunted the yellow eyed alien. He climbed into his cruiser and streaked off into the night – in the same direction as Virago.

*********************

Agent Taran Vhek slammed his fists down on his desk, releasing his pent-up frustration. First he called in to work in the middle of the night, then found out that jedi would probably come and muck everything up with their “jediness”, and now some schutta had changed the pass codes on the computers. Nakaya Li walked over from her work station to Taran.

“What’s wrong?” she asked in a concerned voice.

“Somebody changed the password for the mainframe. I need to get into it and it won’t open,” snapped Taran, jabbing at the “Enter Mainframe” button on the screen repeatedly.

“Whoa, easy now Taran, -hold on. Can’t you just ask Director Ptakh for it?”

“Oh gee, why didn’t I think of that?” said Taran in a sarcastic voice. “Why don’t I just go saunter right over to his office and ask him. Oh, wait, I know why not – he still not here!”

“Calm down,” said Nakaya tapping a few buttons on the control panel. Suddenly the flashing “Access Denied” on Taran’s screen turned into “Access Granted.”

“How did you do that?” asked Taran in amazement.

“I used the manufacturers’ override code. I made sure to memorize it…for a time like this.” There was an awkward pause.

“Uh, thanks, Nakaya.”

Nakaya started to walk away, but Taran stopped her.

“Hey, Nakaya,” he called. She turned around, her eyes watery. “I’m sorry I blew up at you. I’m under a lot of pressure here, but I shouldn’t have taken that out on you…sorry…are we okay?

“Yeah, we are okay,” she said smiling slightly.

Taran’s comlink buzzed. He held it up to his mouth. “This is Vhek.”

“Agent Vhek, three jedi have just passed through security. They said you are supposed to brief them.”

“Alright, thank you Marci”

Jacen, Marit and Vorzar, stepped through the automatic, sliding glass doors and onto the main floor of CCI. Jacen took in the flashing monitors, high ceilings, and numerous narrow corridors that lead to other parts of the building. His boots squeaked on the shiny, black, floor with each step. He looked around uncertainly, not sure where to go now that he was here. He had only been here twice before. Marit, who was quite familiar with her surroundings took the lead. She confidently strode over to the conference room, with Jacen just behind, and Vorzar bringing up the rear.

No sooner had they entered the conference room, when Taran came in from the frosty, glass, doors at the opposite end. He looked from one jedi to the other, clearly uncomfortable with the position he had been put in. He looked at Jacen, and gave him a look of loathing that he always reserved just for him, before looking away.

“Uh – well I’m not really sure why Ptakh called you here, as we are perfectly capable of getting through this without you, but I’m supposed to brief you on our situation. So, let’s do it.”

“No need, Taran,” came a voice from behind. “I’ll take over.”

Jacen craned his neck around Vorzar’s large head to get a look at the newcomer.

“Director Ptakh,” said Marit, shaking the man’s hand. Jacen thought Ptakh looked like a stereotypical crime boss. This was the director of Coruscant’s main crime fighting unit? He had a shiny bald head and beady little eyes that were offset by his bushy mustache. His corpulent stomach looked as if it was going to burst from his shirt.

“Sorry I’m late. And Marit, how many times have I told you, call me Jorrin. I don’t like this ‘Director Ptakh’ stuff,” he growled in a falsely irritated voice, hiding a smile. What a strange character, thought Jacen.

“Thank you Taran, that will be all,” said Jorrin waving his hand in dismissal. Jorrin quickly briefed the jedi on Jace’s schedule, and likely target points for assassination on it. When he finished, Vorzar and Marit stood up to leave and Jacen did the same.

“Jedi Zarek, a moment if you please,” said Jorrin. It wasn’t a question. Jacen who had been half standing up sat down again. Marit and Vorzar exited the room, and Marit through Jacen a significant look as she did so. Jacen could not imagine why Jorrin would want to talk to him. After all, they had only met about ten minutes ago.

“There is a… problem inside the agency that I want your help on.”

My help?” asked Jacen in a confused tone.

“Yes, Marit told me I could trust you with this.” Jorrin stopped, he was bouncing on the balls of his feet nervously. Jacen could tell he was on the verge of saying something important.

“Yes, sir?” he prompted.

Jorrin took a deep breath, and exhaled, trying to calm himself. “I have a friend, by the name of Arno Aering, who monitors all files that are sent electronically in and out of this building. While doing this he discovered some encrypted files that he didn’t recognize as CCI standard ones. He managed to partially decrypt them and Jace’s name was in every one of them.” Here Jorrin took another deep breath. “We both believe that there is a traitor, here on the inside…sending information out to the people who are trying to assassinate Jace.”

Jacen did not know what he had expected Jorrin to say – certainly not this. Jorrin continued. “I don’t know who it is. That’s where you come in. Normally I’d ask Marit to look into this. But since she works here, it would look suspicious if she starts asking a bunch of questions all of a sudden.”

“And it won’t look shifty if I start poking around?” asked Jacen bluntly.

“Yes – well – ah – well to be quite frank, everyone expects you to be nosy anyway, seeing as you are the visiting jedi and all. You have Taran’s jedi hate-mongering to thank for that. I wouldn’t ask you to do this if I thought I had another choice.”

Jacen studied the pleading, desperate look in Jorrin’s eyes and sighed reluctantly. “Okay, I’ll do it, but who can I trust here?”

“Until we find out more,” whispered Jorrin leaning closer to Jacen, “don’t trust anyone.”

****************

Arno Aering, Jorrin’s informant, sat at his desk in his office on Coruscant. His office building was completely deserted at this time of the night, except for the maintenance droids of course. He sifted through everything he had found, trying to decrypt a file. If he was correct, (and he usually was) this file was the source; in short, when it was decrypted, it would show which computer in CCI the traitorous files had been sent from. He had saved the file to a chip, and had been working all night to decrypt it. Sleep was starting to overtake him.

Suddenly Arno heard the turbo lift ding softly as it reached his floor. Who could this be at this time of night? He heard the turbo lift doors open and people step out, conversing quietly.

“Find him,” he heard a silky female voice hiss.

Arno, grabbed the chip that contained the file and stuffed it hastily into his pocket, his large stomach bumping his desk as he did so. This caused a small glass ornament, perched on top of the desk to fall, shattering into a million tiny pieces on the floor.

No sooner had it shattered, than a petite human female, wearing baggy, black cargo pants and a skin-tight black shirt dashed into his office. Arno reached for his gun on his belt. For a man so large, Arno was quick… very quick. But not nearly as quick as Mandy. She shot him expertly in the chest.

Mandy’s minions, hearing the blaster shots, sprinted into Arno’s office. On seeing Arno’s dead body, they quietly congratulated Mandy on her success. She smiled coldly, and sarcastically, as if she knew something they didn’t.

“The files are on his computer. Give me an ion bomb.”

One of her henchmen quickly handed her the bomb. She set the timer for five minutes and placed it lightly on Arno’s computer. “Now, republic soldiers are going to be here any minute, because of the blaster shots. I’m going to leave now, but you all stay here and search the office. See if you can find anything else useful.”

“Hold on Mandy,” said a trandoshan henchman, who was holding a wicked looking vibro-blade. “That wasn’t part of the deal. We are leaving now,” he said with a snake-like hiss in his voice.

“No,” said Mandy coldly, “you’re not.” There was a crashing sound on the floor below them. The Republic soldiers were here. “I’d love to stay and see how this plays out boys, but I have a speeder to catch.”

Before anybody could stop her, she blasted the glass from the office window with her pistol, and jumped out of it, into mid air. She landed hard on the passenger seat of a yellow, convertible, speeder. The rodian driver, whipped his head around and squawked with dismay at the strange woman who suddenly appeared next to him. Mandy, calmly kicked out, hard with her leg, pushing the rodian out of his seat and into midair. He fell, from the craft, screaming. Mandy took the controls, of the speeder and with a smirk on her face, sped off into the night, just as the ion bomb in Arno’s office went off.

----------------------------------------------------

Well thats chapter 2. It came out longer than I had originally intended, so sorry for all the scrolling. I typed this up at midnight after a hard day so I'm sure there are plenty of typos. So there are plenty of new characters in this one, including the "Virago" I kept mentioning in chapter 1... and Mandy is back. (she was in the prologue as well) Anyway, all feedback is appreciated. Thanks!

~HOP



Viva La Resistance!

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Old 07-15-2008, 01:04 AM   #13
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“He’s not that bed once you get to know him. He doesn’t hate the jedi – I mean I’m a jedi and he’s nice to me.”
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Virago jumped in alarm and whirled around. Duran spun on his heal drawing one of his two purple lightsabers.
Eh, these were the only mistakes that I found.

I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter. I like all of the descriptions that you have been using. They just make the story come alive. You are even giving me ideas for my fic, that I am working on. Thanks for that. Get some rest too.

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Old 07-15-2008, 01:33 AM   #14
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He's not that "bed?" Ooops...my bad. I'll just go fix that. Two things:

1)I was just wondering who everybodys favorite character is. I know we don't know much about them yet, especially Jacen, who will show his true tough side next chapter. But as of now, who is it?

2)Also, who do you think the traitor (or mole as they are oftern referred to) is?

As for chapter 3, there will be a lot more action and some pazaak playing. I plan to have Jacen working outside of CCI, running around with his lightsaber and such, while Marit helps from inside CCI. Also a little more on Jace will be added, advance his character a little. Each chapter will most likely contain three of four main story plots ( Jacen, CCI, Virago, and Jace)

As for when an update will come, I'm going out of the country for five weeks and I don't know how much internet access I have since its a "cultural immersion" thing and I'm technically not supposed to take up time with it. I intend to ignore this rule...we'll see how successful I am at tricking my teachers (I'm learning Spanish there). Wish me luck with that! Any advice on this would be appreciated. I really don't want to make anybody wait five weeks for an update.

@Rev: I'll try. Glad I'm worth getting ideas from. Hope you fic goes well, I'll keep my eyes out for it.

~HOP



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Old 07-15-2008, 01:54 AM   #15
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1)I was just wondering who everybodys favorite character is. I know we don't know much about them yet, especially Jacen, who will show his true tough side next chapter. But as of now, who is it?
I like Jacen and Marit. I like Jacen because of his hardship with his old master leaving. And because it looked like I could see him in the scene where he was having the 'nightmare' and when he was putting on his dark robe. I could see the room in my head. I could see that whole scene in my head. I like Marit because she is the tech.
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Originally Posted by HIGH ON PIE 14 View Post
2)Also, who do you think the traitor (or mole as they are oftern referred to) is?
There is a traitor? Hmmm, I think that it might be Virago, or someone in the CCI. :/

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As for when an update will come, I'm going out of the country for five weeks and I don't know how much internet access I have since its a "cultural immersion" thing and I'm technically not supposed to take up time with it. I intend to ignore this rule...we'll see how successful I am at tricking my teachers (I'm learning Spanish there). Wish me luck with that! Any advice on this would be appreciated. I really don't want to make anybody wait five weeks for an update.
I wouldn't rush yourself. Whenever is fine with me. Oh, and have fun.

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@Rev: I'll try. Glad I'm worth getting ideas from. Hope you fic goes well, I'll keep my eyes out for it.
Okay. I still have a lot of work to do before I would release it. I want to have at least a few chapters done before I release the prologue. I hope. I just have way too many ideas. We will see though.

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Old 07-15-2008, 09:07 AM   #16
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Jorrin took a deep breath, and exhaled, trying to calm himself. “I have a friend, by the name of Arno Aering, who monitors all files that are sent electronically in and out of this building. While doing this he discovered some encrypted files that he didn’t recognize as CCI standard ones. He managed to partially decrypt them and Jace’s name was in every one of them.” Here Jorrin took another deep breath. “We both believe that there is a traitor, here on the inside…sending information out to the people who are trying to assassinate Jace.”

Yup there is a traitor. I know I kinda squished that important fact into that one paragraph...kinda easy to miss unfortunately. Thats why Mandy came and got Arno - he was very close to figuring out which compter inside CCI had been transmitting the traiter's messages. Once the computer is discovered it's a simple matter of seeing who works at it, to identify the traitor. Thats why I bothered to put in the Arno sub-plot. Now he is dead, but has the chip with the info but it's in his pocket. Luckily Mandy didn't find it. The chip will obviously play a large role in the next chapter.

That said, you can probably rule out Virago, at least for now. I'm pretty sure who I will make the traitor, but could easily change my mind...

I'll try to have fun. Even if I can't post while I'm there, I can still write. I'll probably come back with numerous chapters written.

~HOP



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Old 07-15-2008, 10:40 AM   #17
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i really liked this update. certainly has a nice perspective to it, with the different point of views in it.
and the description is superb (Y)
i think the only mistakes i found are listed above...

also.. Aruil Nenenitosael is, if you've read/seen Harry Potter, JUST like Luna Lovegood.
it seemed weird reading this, and remembering a Harry Potter character XD

great work.


"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."



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Old 07-15-2008, 01:31 PM   #18
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Yes, thats where I got the basis for the character what with her believing in creatures that don't exist and all that. made up the creature however. In future chapters, you will probably begin to notice the difference though.

Luna was a favorite in Harry Potter for me so I decided to incorperate a similar character. (I have not read the book in ages though) Though as you will see in chapter 3, Aruil has unique talents that Luna does not posess. Plus this girl can kick some butt when she has to.

I figured that everybody was too serious in this story and I needed a form of comic relief, a character who is just pleasant but quirky. I hope in the coming chapters, while there still will be some similarities in dialogue and such, I can show that her background and abilities are different from Luna's. Just a peek: Aruil can control water through the force and does have a rather interesting background on how she learned it, plus a Mando Wars tidbit.

After a reread I realized she looked a little more like Luna than I was going for. Oh well,... that will definatly change next chapter. Not the wierdness though...I'm keeping that in.

Any thoughts on who the traitor is Burnseyy?

~HOP



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Old 07-15-2008, 08:14 PM   #19
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i loved Luna and yeah, comedy in a story is a must-have for me lol

the traitor? i'm not sure. but i have an idea it's got some tie ins to Virago.

she did sound a little too Luna like. but future chapters are there to patch things up. ^^


"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."



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Old 07-15-2008, 10:29 PM   #20
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I'll try to have fun. Even if I can't post while I'm there, I can still write. I'll probably come back with numerous chapters written.
Nice.

I'm sure the 5 weeks will go by quick...

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Old 07-28-2008, 01:57 PM   #21
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i loved Luna and yeah, comedy in a story is a must-have for me lol

the traitor? i'm not sure. but i have an idea it's got some tie ins to Virago.

she did sound a little too Luna like. but future chapters are there to patch things up. ^^
Yes, my plan is to take out the ridiculous creature dialogue and have her say other more original weird stuff. But next chapter you´ll see her fight, this should make her seem quite different.

Just a question: Why does everybody think Virago is involved with or is the traitor? I´m curious as to what gave everyone that impression. And no I won´t tell you if you are on the right track!

Actually, I should be posting more chapters sooner than I originally planned. Probably have a long one up sometime this week.

-HOP



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Old 07-28-2008, 02:09 PM   #22
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because he's the only one 'out of line' except for that crazy-kill-everyone woman. (forgot her name >.>)
lol


"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."



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Old 07-31-2008, 03:54 PM   #23
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I should have posted this earlier...

With all the work that goes into something like this, I hate seeing readers not willing to invest a moment to compliment the addition. I do like your comic relief and all the behavior that's not standard for jedi. Mandy stealing a speeder... it was a very simple act that was memorable!

Although I'm still trying to get the gist of most of these characters, I like the fact that they are misfits and not going with the flow like everyone else. I hope to see some more dialog that explains more about where these characters came from. It's difficult to understand Jacen when he's under pressure.

Sorry this didn't come when I first read it. I look forward to more.

-DY
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Old 07-31-2008, 04:00 PM   #24
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Just a question: Why does everybody think Virago is involved with or is the traitor? I´m curious as to what gave everyone that impression. And no I won´t tell you if you are on the right track!
Well to me, Virago has a shady nature. And because of his personality, I guess. Just a guess though. ;

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Old 08-07-2008, 11:27 AM   #25
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We want chapters!
We want chapters!
We want chapters!

I suppose I should wait... I'm sure with all this time dedicated to writing it, the next chapters will be double the great standard the other chapters are.



"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."



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Old 08-07-2008, 11:40 AM   #26
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Arrow

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We want chapters!
We want chapters!
We want chapters!

I suppose I should wait... I'm sure with all this time dedicated to writing it, the next chapters will be double the great standard the other chapters are.

I appreciate the enthusiasm, Burnseyy!

Sorry, won´t be posting any until I´m back from vacation. Right now I´m relying on internet cafes just to post. Just my luck that my laptop busts literally 5 hours before I have top leave for Spain. The next chapter is the best yet, IMO, got the first battle scenes.

Double the great standard huh? I hope so, though I doubt it. I´m still writing at the same speed (about a chapter every 2-5 days) though didn´t write for my first 2 1/2 weeks here. I just would rather use my limited computer time to post, rather than post a chap than sign off...yeah I´m the slowest typer ever. I´m going home on the 16 of August. Not too much more of a wait.

Incidentally, Burnseyy has graciously agreed to do some art for the fic, to help everybody visualize the characters. At the rate she draws, it will probably be up before the next chapter is. Sorry for the wait.

-HOP



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Old 08-20-2008, 10:37 PM   #27
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[COLOR="Yellow"]

Incidentally, Burnseyy has graciously agreed to do some art for the fic, to help everybody visualize the characters. At the rate she draws, it will probably be up before the next chapter is. Sorry for the wait.

-HOP
Quality is always more important than quantity. If you post and it's not great, we don't read and ask for more. If you don't post, we don't post and say 'great story.' If you post again and again and it's bad, we post to say 'stop writing!'

I won't post to demand for more... just write for the best and we'll be watching. Thanks for the story you've already written and good luck in the future.
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Old 08-20-2008, 10:46 PM   #28
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Thanks!

I'm typing up the next chapter now, but as I've said, I'm a slow typer, so its like a project for me. I have many chapters written already, so writing is not the problem, its the typing. Combine my horrible typing skills with jet lag and summer projects...not good. I still have about half of the chapter to type though. Thanks for putting up with my slowness.

~HOP



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Old 08-21-2008, 07:40 PM   #29
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I thought you'd updated the story, then!
I was like 'eee!'

:¬:

Why did god refuse to gift a good writer with fast typing?

Only god does know.


"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."



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Old 08-22-2008, 10:57 PM   #30
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Chapter Three: The Chip

Jorrin Ptakh´s face turned as white as alabaster as the captain of Coruscant Security briefed him on the events that had taken place a mere twenty minutes ago, regarding Arno Aering. Jorrin numbly thanked the man for telling him the news and ended the transmision.

Outside Jorrin´s office, was the main floor of CCI. Jacen was leaning on the edge of Marit´s metal desk, as she typed.

"So you have no idea who the-" Jacen paused and looked around to make sure that no one else could hear, "the traitor is then?" Conveniently, Marit´s workstation was located in a corner of the main floor, so chances of being overheard were slight. Still, it didn´t hurt to check.

"No," Marit sighed, "I´ve been trying to search out people´s feelings through the force. But so far I have not got anything."

"Great," said Jacen, " Well between you, me, and Jorrin, hopefully we can sort out this mess quickly before any damage is done. Compile every CCI employee´s record and background info and send it to my screen. I´m at station sixteen."

"O.K., but you´ll have to wait," said Marit, tucking a loose strand of light brown hair behind her ear, "Taran´s got me formatting these files, annd I still have to add extra layers of security to the mainframe."

"Forget the files, said Jacen impatiently,"This is more important."

"You got it," said Marit, not taking her eyes off her screen.

"What are you doing Zarek?" came an irritated voice from behind. Jacen turned. Taran Vhek stood there, his arms crossed, his eyebrow raised in a mocking way. "You don´t work here. Marit is under my authority and I want her to format those files."

"I need her for something else," said Jacen shortly. He didn´t have time for Taran´s squabbling.

"What else?"

Jacen bit back a retort. He took a deep breath, gathering his patience. "Look, Taran, we bare both trying to acomplish the same thing here. Let's not get in each others way, O.K.?"

"What else?" repeated Taran with a thouroughly unchanged expression.

"Come on Taran," wheedled Marit, "The leading candidate for chancellor has an assassination threat aimed at him today. Can´t you think of something more productive to do than this?"

Taran stared at her and for moment, it appeared that Marit´s strategy had worked. But then- "Just get on those files Marit." He turned on his heel and walked away.

"Jorrin didn´t call in a senior analyst and jedi here at two in the morning to 'format files!'" Jacen called after him, but Taran did not give any sign that he heard. Jacen forced himself to calm down. He used a jedi calming technique, breathing in and out, in and out...

"Don´t let him get to you," said Marit, he´s just..." But apparently, Marit could not decide just what Taran was, and after a slightly awkward pause, resumed typing.

"Don´t worry," she saiud looking up, "I´ll get Nakaya on those files, she will help."

"Thanks," said Jacen, smileing in spite opf himself, admiring the coolness with which Marit had delt with the situation. She tried her best to make the situation go the way she wanted, but when it didn´t she made the best of it. This was something he felt he lacked at times. He vowed to work on it.

Suddenly Marit´s comm unit rang. She pressed one of the many flashing buttons. "CCI, Tech Department, this is Thel-Tanis." She listened for a moment. "Uh-huh, alright, I´ll tell him."

Jacen looked at her questioningly.

Director Pt - I mean Jorrin wants to see you in his office."

Jacen ascended the hard metal stairs to Jorrin´s office, which was perched on a platform, so that he could see all of CCI´s main floor through the glass walls. Jacen´s robes flapped wildly, due to the speed of his ascent, smacking the metal railings, making a loud "pong, pong, pong" sound.

He was moving so fast that he almost knocked over Nakaya, who was clibing down the stairs with great difficulty, her eyes barely visible over the enormous stack of durasheets she was carrying.

"Sorry," said Jacen, using the force to pick up the scattered durasheets and place them back in Nakaya´s arms.

"Thanks," she grunted in an irked tone, though Jacen sensed it was because of her workload, rather than the fact that he had bumped into her.

At last he reached the glass dors of Jorrin´s office. Through them, he could see Jorrin, sitting in a chair behind a desk, talking into a comm unit. Jacen knocked lightly on the glass door and Jorrin motioned for him to enter.

"-don´t care what kind of breifing Charlev is in," Jorrin was saying in a tonbe that suggested this was not the first time he had tried to explain this. "This is more important, trust me." He closed his eyes in a defeated sort of way as the person he was talking to answered him. "Yeah, fine, you do that." Jorrin stabbed the "end transmission" button with wonton venom. "Schutta!" he hissed. He looked up at Jacen.

"I was trying to reach our district director," said Jorrin, massaging his temples. "But he is unreachable for the next two hours. I´m afraid I have bad news."

"What is it sir?"asked Jacen quietly. He could sense that this news, whatever it was, upset Jorrin greatly. He could feel that Jorrin was barely holding it together. Jacen waited patiently as Jorrin gathered his bearings. He found that he was growing rather fond of Jorrin; he had accepted the jedi despite Taran´s objections and was very kind to Marit as he had pleaded her case to the regional director of CCI, which had allowed Marit to work here and ultimately follow her ambition to becaome a jedi tech.

"My...my conteact, Arno Aering, was shot less than 30 minutes ago. He didn´t make it.

"I´m sorry Jorrin," said Jaqcen sincerely, as he fingered a piece of his robe, determindly looking anywhere but Jorrin´s eyes which were quite red.

"He was a good friend," said Jorrin, staring at a spot over Jacen´s shoulder, caught up in an old reverie of his friend. After a minute, he shook his head an cleared his throat gruffly. "But anyway," he said trying to look uneffected, and doing a very poor job of it, "The republic soldiers that went to investigate found a chip on his...body. I´m sure it´s the chip, Jedi Zarek.

"The chip with the info on the traitor, inside CCI, you mean."

Jorrin nodded sagely. "I´m going over there, now, to pick it up and I´d like you to come with me." He eyed Jacen warily, as though expecting him to refuse.

Jacen knew that he was going to accompany Jorrin long before he finished the question. "Well, what are we waiting for?"

*__________*___________*______________*________*

The pazaak den called The Hive was bustling with energy and life. Virago Nual stepped through the front doors taking in deep breath as though savoring the air. The air inside The Hive was nowhere near worth savoring though. It was hot, dense, and filled with a heavy scent of smoke, from its patron’s excessive use of the vice.

The Hive was so different from the temple, Virago mused. Emotions ran rampant. Greed, envy, lust, triumph, defeat…yes, these were things that Virago would never feel at the temple. Yet, he appreciated the realness of it all – real people, with real emotions – not jedi who used all their strength to hold back their emotions. The Hive reminded Virago of Javyar’s Cantina on Taris, before its destruction.

Virago was a fairly good pazaak player and continued practiced the game despite the frowns it earned him at the temple. He had won a few games here before, and had earned some respect, which had been extra hard to gain due to the fact that he was a jedi, and they were generally treated with a feeling of contempt after the Jedi Civil War and the Mandelorian Wars. He scanned the room.

The Hive was made up of one large, dimly lit room that had many nooks dotting the walls, in which games could be played in relative privacy. Other pazaak tables were set on large lighted platforms. This was where the master pazaak players gathered, in high view, while others watched them play. A vast bar took up one wall all by itself, and in the center of the room was a circular stage on which scantily clad twi’lek women were dancing suggestively around poles, amid the whoops and cheers of the male patrons.

Virago spotted an empty table close by and sat down, Aruil and Duran following suit. Virago ordered a drink, while he talked to Duran, turning his back on Aruil, who after all, was not supposed to be here. After about a minute, the drinks came. Duran who was opposed to alcohol just got a Jawa juice. Virago treated himself to a Tarisian Ale, which was rather expensive after the desecration of Taris, and Aruil was sipping at a bright blue drink with numerous fruits around the edge of the wide glass, that Virago had never seen before. Virago took a large gulp of the Tarisian Ale and continued his conversation, again acting like Aruil was nothing more than a wall decoration. He was glad Duran was with him. He didn’t know how he would be able to stand it here with just Aruil.

“Lets find a game, Duran,” said Virago over the music voices of loud, roudy pazaak players. “Aruil if you just want to-” he looked around, realizing that Aruil was no longer sitting next to him. “Where did she run off to?” Duran quickly scanned the room and pointed to a table near them.

Virago stared at the table, unable to believe what he was seeing. At the table was seated a pair of Trandoshans, that looked as if they could break a human in half with their bare hands; a shady looking, male, twi’lek with sickly looking green lekku; a female Zeltron who wore a rather wicked grin, but very little clothing; and an enormous human male whose forearms were about as thick as Virago’s thighs. Seated between this man, and one of the Trandoshans was Aruil. She was triumphantly scooping a pile of credits towards herself. She had obviously just won a game.

Virago heard her speak in her misty voice. “Well as I’m a jedi, I don’t really need these credits, so you can do what you want with them. I’ll just take these ten to buy a new ruduare root.”

“A what?” asked the Zeltron with an expression that suggested she had just swallowed a mound of bantha fodder. Clearly she had not expected to lose to a 15 year-old jedi girl.

“Oh, they are great for warding off Nagging Wamblefurs. Here,” she said vaguely, as she dug through her bag, emptying its contents, shoving a bracelet made of leaves and bottle caps, a few grubby durasheets, and a considerable amount of what appeared to be dried animal droppings into the burly man’s hands before pulling out a large, orange, object that looked more like an overgrown strawberry than anything else.

“This,” Aruil said with a pleasant smile, “is a ruduare root. Keep it if you like, I’m going to get a new one anyway.” She dropped the ruduare root into the woman’s hands. Aruil continued to stare at the Zeltron, her head cocked like a dogs, clearly not interpreting the woman’s open- mouthed shock for what it really was. She casually scooped the contents out of the man’s hands and back into her bag. She saw Virago, and rose from her seat and strode over to him with the fluid, graceful steps of her humanoid species, the Teevan.

“You- you play pazaak then?” asked Virago weakly.
She nodded and smiled. “Yes, a bit.”

Virago played pazaak with Duran and Aruil. As it turned out, Aruil was not a skilled pazaak player, but her strangeness unnerved the other players so much that they had trouble concentrating, and as a result lost. When they had first met, Virago had seen Aruil a nuisance and nothing more. But as they played pazaak, he had to admit she was growing on him. He could tell Duran felt the same way. Now, he laughed at Aruils comments, rather than being put out by them, getting a good laugh at the astonished and confused looks of the other patrons. At one point, Aruil had suggested to a woman that she was suffering from a bought of bad luck brought on by a Nagging Wamblefur and recommended rubbing ruduare root all over herself while standing in a bucket of leechy nuts. At this point, Virago had inhaled his ale up his nose.

But somehow Virago could not fully enjoy himself. He started to feel a shadow in the back of his mind. At first it was such a quiet thing that he did not notice, but now, it was growing, expanding like writhing tentacle of some slimy sea creature, in the ocean of his mind. He tried to shake it off. His vision was sliding out of focus. He felt himself sway backwards and forwards in his chair. Maybe the alcohol was getting to him. He felt a strong hand steady him in his seat, and his eyes snapped back into focus. The steadying hands he could see belonged to Duran.

“Virago, what’s wrong?” Duran inquired in his deep Zabrak voice.

“I don’t know, its just…” Virago swallowed, getting a shuddering up his spine that he could not understand. Duran turned to the Quarren with whom they were playing.

“We are done here. Take your money and go.” The fish-faced alien plucked his winnings off the table, silently chuffing with laughter at the weakness of humans. Duran turned back to Virago.

Virago spoke. “I feel a threat growing in my mind. I can’t place it but something is not right here.”

There was a pause. “I feel it too,” breathed Duran closing his eyes in concentration. A yellow eyed alien had just walked into The Hive his eyes fixed on the three young jedi…

Virago could not see the alien, but all the instincts that he trusted on Taris and the force were urging him to leave. He looked over at Duran.

“Lets go, we should go through the backdoor.” Duran nodded in agreement. “Aruil, we are leaving,” said Virago, expecting resistance. But she merely nodded, shouldered her bag and followed. The three jedi weaved between tables and patrons. Dodging a server who was carrying an enormous tray of drinks in various colors, Virago located a side door. Good enough, he thought. “Through here,” he murmured, placing a hand on the hilt of his lightsaber.

As surreptitiously as possible, the threesome slipped through the door and into the alley, that separated The Hive from the closed café next door.

Virago scanned the alley and crept stealthily to the edge of it. He unclipped his lightsaber from his belt, and Duran and Aruil followed suit. He peered around the corner. The street was completely deserted. Something was very wrong here. He switched his lightsaber to his right hand, wiping a sweaty, lighsaber-free hand on his robes. He heard a soft scraping behind him, but it was only Aruil, who for some strange reason was adjusting her horn shaped canteen at her waist. He could not even imagine why she had brought such a thing in the first place.

Virago’s vivid blue eyes caught something behind Aruil – it was a small glimmer, like glowing eyes.

“Aruil, behind you!” shouted Virago. Aruil whirled around just in time to be knocked flat by a punch from the yellow eyed, black skinned alien. His fist hit her square in the jaw and with a surprised “Oh!”, she fell flat on her back. Virago ignited his hissing orange saber, while Duran drew two short purple blades.

Before either of them could react, suddenly, behind the alien appeared about twenty floating sentry droids, their blasters aimed at the jedi.

“Stunners only,” ordered the alien in a rough gravely voice. “We need them alive.” The droids opened fire, their stunners filling the air.

Virago rapidly swung his saber upward, deflecting the bolts, barely reacting in time. He stretched out his hand, and with an invisible push of the force, sent a droid crashing into a wall, where it shattered, leaving nothing more than a smoking heap on the ground. Gathering the force around him, he jumped high into the air, above the droids taking out two with one swing, their shots missing him by so small a margin, that he could feel their heat as they zinged past.

Duran jabbed a droid in the head aggressively with one lightsaber and buried the other, in a second droid’s control panel. Aruil got to her feet and ignited her silver-bladed lightsaber. Unlike Duran, who was using aggressive thrusts and strikes, Aruil fought in a more graceful manner. She angled her lightsaber so it deflected four shots at once, taking down a droid. Another droid suddenly wheeled around and headed straight for her, firing rapidly. Using her flexible Teevan body she bent over backwards so far that her head almost touched the ground, narrowly avoiding the shots. Before she could dispatch the it, a deflected shot from Duran took it down.

Virago and Duran fought back to back. Sweat dripped down from Virago’s dirty-blond hair and into his eyes, stinging them, and blurring his vision. A bolt grazed his shoulder and he cried out in pain. He switched his lightsaber to his left hand and swung it in a sweeping arc, taking down a droid that had come too close. He spun his lightsaer in a circle deflecting bolts, destroying another droid. Behind him, he heard a grunt and a clang, the sound of a droid hitting the ground. Duran had felled another.

Aruil, meanwhile had taken out the two droids that had been attacking her and faced the towering, muscular, alien. He drew a wicked looking vibro blade and swung it threateningly. To his surprise, Aruil, clipped her own saber to her belt, and popped open the lid of her canteen. She moved her arms up in a fluid motion and took a wide stance. As her arms moved up, water flowed from her canteen, like a river. She was using the force to control the water. She wielded the water like a whip, it curled around the alien’s vibro blade and wrenched it from his hands. The alien stumbled against a wall from the power of the blow, and his momentary shock gave Aruil all the time she needed. She gatherd the water to her, forming it into a sphere, before sending it hurling back towards the alien. As the water rushed towards him, Aruil, drew a deep breath and released it. The water froze as it touched the alien, it gathered at his wrists and ankles, forming cuffs of ice, pinning him to the wall.

Aruil gave the alien a vague, but triumphant smile as he struggled to break free. Blood was still dripping from where he had hit her. But she failed to notice the blaster bolts heading for her back.

Virago came to her aid. He sprinted towards her, stretching out his arm as far as it would go. His blade blocked the bolts, saving Aruil. He whirled around just in time, deflecting shots that were now redirected at him. Next to him, Aruil used her remaining water to reform the whip. She lashed out, her whip striking a droid, making a deep gash in its side. With a flick of her wrist, she brought the whip sailing around again, curling around a droid that was attacking Virago. With a tug she sent it careening into a wall.

Two more yellow-eyed aliens appeared heading straight for Duran. With a jolt, Virago realized that in saving Aruil, he had left Duran completely unprotected. “Duran, run!” he yelled. The three jedi dashed at top speed out of the ally directing shots aimed at them. The first alien broke free of his ice cuffs and joined the other two in barreling after the jedi. The droids were not so agile, and often crashed while trying to navigate around the corner.

The jedi bolted down the walkway. Virago looked around wildly for a crowd to hide in, but the area was completely deserted. Duran’s powerful Zabrak legs and Virago ran at top speed to keep up. Aruil, sprinted after them, her white-blond hair bouncing madly behind her. After running for about ten minutes, Virago chanced a look over his shoulder. The aliens and droids were nowhere in sight. He stopped ruinning.

“I think we lost them,” he panted. Aruil stood next to him, lightly feeling her bleeding jaw, wincing in pain as she touched it. Duran looked shaken, though unhurt.

“Who were those guys?” asked Virago, “And why were they after us?”

“Bounty hunters, sent to kill us, I assume.” Said Aruil in a casual voice, as though discussing the weather.

“He said he wanted us alive though,” said Virago, his mind racing, “He told the droids to use stunners, remember?”

“Bounty hunters sent to capture us then,” Aruil amended, “Oh, and I dropped my bag – I had my credits in there – now I won’t be able to buy a new ruduare root,” she said remorsefully, looking down at where the bag should have hung.

“Nevermind that now,” said Virago taking charge of the situation. “Those guys are still out there, looking for us. We have to get back to the temple.”

The three sprinted down the strangely empty walkway, Duran in the lead. He turned the corner, and ran headlong into one of the yellow-eyed aliens. The alien quickly jabbed Duran with a Bothan Stunner. Taking advantage of this momentary weakness, the alien wasted no time in securing Duran’s arms in an iron-hard grip.

Virago rushed forward to help, but stopped dead in his tracks as he heard a scuffle behind him. He looked around and saw that Aruil was being held by another of the aliens. The quickness and abruptness of these captures was alarming. Duran struggled valiantly against his captor, managing to knick him with one of his sharp Zabrak horns. This earned him an extra jab from the Bothan Stunner. The alien drew a small, silver knife, and held it up to Duran’s throat.

Virago stood in the middle, a captured companion on each side. He had ignited his lightsaber, but held it loosely at his side, unsure of what to do. If he tried to save one surely the other would die. He could not do that to either of them. Duran was his best friend…but he could not just abandon Aruil to death either.

“Drop your weapon or the both die,” the alien growled at Virago.

Virago looked at Duran’s eyes which were filled with fear, but also determination. Virago froze. He could not sentence his friends to death by acting, but he could not just give in either. Everything seemed to go silent, except for the beating of his heart. He could feel it beating faster, and faster. His eyes darting between a still struggling Duran, and Aruil, who was limply standing at her captor’s side in a defeated sort of way. Virago’s muscles cramped up painfully, his eyes watering, at a loss for what to do.

“Don’t give then your lightsaber, Virago!” yelled Duran in a choked voice, the silver blade drawing blood from his neck. But for Virago, there was only one choice, at this point.

He deactivated his lightsaber, and rolled it towards the alien before putting his hands in the air.

But Duran, continued to fight. He kicked back, hard. The alien gasped in pain, as the third one grabbed Virago’s arms in a crushing grip. He eyed a struggling Duran with contempt.

“That one is too much trouble. Kill him.”

“No,” screamed Virago, as the alien drew a blaster pistol.

Duran’s alien pushed him hard against the wall. Duran swung his fists wildly, decking the closest alien right in the nose. The alien aimed his blaster at Duran’s stomach, and shot him. A huge weight dropped into Virago’s stomach. Everything seemed to go in slow motion. He could feel his lips uttering Duran’s name, though he could not hear it. Duran’s eyes filled with shock and pain, as he fell to the ground, his hand over his wound, a defeated warrior.

Virago, felt a painful lump form in his throat, hot tears steaming from his eyes. Duran was his best friend, he couldn’t die.

Duran hit the ground with a sickening crunch, his right leg at an awkward angle. As he fell, he looked up, seeing Virago being dragged off, struggling to get back to him. It was with great despair that Duran’s head finally hit the ground, knowing that Virago, his best friend, was being dragged off to torture and suffering – and he was helpless to do anything about it. His eyes fluttered closed, and felt his breath leave him, as he lay sprawled on the ground.

Virago struggled to reach him, but suddenly he felt a sharp pain in the back of his head, and all went dark.

*___________________*_________________*___________ _______*


Senator Matrik Jace strode into the conference room of his campaign headquarters. His staff – his speech writers, finance managers, event coordinators, as well as several of his bodyguards, were already there, seated in the cushioned; yet somehow uncomfortable chairs around the long table. They all stood as he entered.

“Sit,” said Jace, waving a hand for them to do so.

Jace took a seat at the head of the table, his wife, Marlena on one side, Tyro on the other. All eyes, from Tyros large fishy ones to Marlena’s dark brown ones, that matched her skin, were on the large monitor mounted on one of the room’s six walls.

Despite everyone’s expressions of calm and confidence, there was a definite tension in the air. Marlena bit her lip nervously, while Jace sat with his hands folded on the table in front of him still staring at the blank monitor intently, as though there was nothing he would rather be doing. He cleared his throat, and as if on cue, the screen flickered, and buzzed to life. On it were three people. On the left was a vurk wearing brown jedi robes; on the right was a bald human male with dark brown skin, even darker than Jace’s; and in the middle was another human, with spiky black hair and a grim expression.

“You are on with Senator Jace,” announced Tyro, glancing from the vurk to the humans, unsure whom he should be addressing. The man in the middle spoke.

“I’m Taran Vhek, Deputy Director of CCI’s east Coruscant branch. With me are our head of Security and Field Operations, Kel Ratrin,” he said inclining his head to the dark skinned man, “and Jedi Knight Vorzar Kahbei, the Jedi Order’s liaison to CCI.”

Jace frowned. “I was under the impression that I was going to be talking to your director, Jorrin Ptakh,” boomed Jace in a calm, yet unyielding, deep, voice.

“He had to –er – step out,” answered Taran quickly, “but I assure you, my colleges and I can answer any questions you have.”

Jace nodded. “Very well, continue Mr. Vhek.”

“Yes sir. We aquired this information from an agent of ours stationed on Narr Shaddaa. He was found dead along with his crew, shortly after he gave us the information, and an investigation is being made into that as we speak.” Taran drew a breath. “The intelligence from this agent suggested that there would be an attempt on your life today. His datapad is badly damaged, but he kkept a backup of all his files on a disk, and that is being brought back to CCI now.”

“Do we now who is orchestrating this assassination threat?” asked Tyro, resting his chin thoughtfully on his flippered hand.

“We don’t know that sir, nor do we have any idea who the assassin might be.”

“So this assassin could be on Coruscant now?” asked Tyro, a note of fear in his voice.

It is quite probable that the assassin is here now, though exactly where, we can’t say, said Kel Ratrin, stroking his goatee. “It is clear that this threat is supposed to go down today.”

Marlena wet her lips with her tongue. “Why did they target my husband? Out of all the other candidates, why did they pick him?” she asked, her voice quivering slightly.

“Again, we don’t know,” responded Taran. “We-”

“What do we know?” interrupted Jace in an exasperated tone, his eyebrows knitting together. He was beginning to think this was a waste of time.

Taran made to speak, but Vorzar stopped him. “We know that these are serious people. They killed seven highly-trained field agents on Narr Shaddaa, and they want you dead, today.”

Jace stared at the vurk, who did not look away. Most people were intimidated by Jaces huge size and intense gaze, but Vorzar, clearly, was not one of those people. Jace addressed Vorzar with newfound respect, an approving gleam in his eye. “Very well, and I ologize for my impatience. I am sure you are all doing the very best that you can. Jedi Knight Kahbei, contact me when you have something more concrete.” Vorzar nodded.

The monitor switched off. Everyone scrambled out of their chairs, bustling about, doing the many jobs that were required to run a successful campaign. Jace however, remained in his seat. He had a lot to think about.

=============================
[B]Directly below this I am posting the rest of chapter three. It was too long to post all of it together, according to forum rules. (there is a 40,000 character limit)...geez, didnt think it was that long. [/B]

~HOP



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Old 08-22-2008, 10:59 PM   #31
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Chapter 3 contd:

Jacen and Jorrin stepped out of the nondescript CCI speeder. Jacen inhaled a breath of Coruscant’s cool night air. He looked up at the towering, glittering edifice before him and read the sign over the door: “Omnicorp Galactical.”

“It’s a private investigation agency,” explained Jorrin, “I paid Arno to keep an eye on CCI’s electronic data. Never really thought he would find anything important though…certainly nothing like this.”

Jacen nodded blankly. He could not help, but think about Marit, back at CCI. She was, at this very moment, inside the same building as the traitor. He trusted Marit’s abilities, but he still feared for her. They had saved each other’s lives to many times to count; yet something about this whole situation made him shudder, and wanted to get back, chip in hand, as soon as possible. He also had a bad, sinking, feeling about Virago that he could not shake, ever since entering CCI.

Before he left CCI with Jorrin, he briskly told Marit where he was going and why. She had gasped at the news of Arno’s death. But she could tell that something was bothering Jacen as well.

“Jacen?” she asked quietly. There was no need to say anymore, Jacen knew what she meant.

Jacen moved closer to Marit. He hesitated. “Its just…I feel like I’m not doing my job.”

“Doing your – what do you mean? This mission with Jorrin is above and beyond what your ‘job’ requires,” said Marit passionately. “You’re job is to protect Senator Jace. The chip ultimately helps with that. We can’t afford to have a traitor in our midst, hindering our progress at every turn. You are doing more than your job by going out and retrieving it. Jorrin asked for your help. This was totally voluntary.”

Jacen inwardly smiled at Marit’s quick defense of him, but the smile didn’t reach his lips. “I meant my job as a master – my job to Virago. In protecting Jace, I abandoned Virago in his time of need. I should not have done that.”

“Jacen-”

“No,” said Jacen flatly, “you don’t know what its like,nhaving your master abandon you for the sake of a jedi mission.”

“You’re right, I don’t,” said Marit her eyes shining, “…help me to understand, my friend.”

Jacen sat down next to her, his chair groaning as he sat down with such force, his black jedi robes draping over the sides. He took a deep breath. “When my master, Ankare Solaar, left to fight in the Jedi Civil War on the orders of the council, I felt…lost. The pain of having someone you care for leave you when you need them most…it’s a burden no padawan should have to bear. The council just sent him to war without a second thought. They made poor decisions and others had to pay the price. After that, I just could not live in the temple, and I lost whatever respect I once held for the council. I went into self exile. During that time, I heard that Ankare died in a terrible battle.”

Marit had guessed most of what Jacen was telling her, but this was the first time he had actually confided the information in her. “I’m sorry Jacen,” she mumbled awkwardly, not really knowing what to say. “It must have been hard to here about Ankare.”

“That’s just it though,” said Jacen gulping, “I- I didn’t feel anything. I shut myself out. I didn’t let myself feel emotions. It was like a sub-human existence: living on some backwater cesspool of a planet, scratching a pitiful existence off whatever I could get,” he said with a bitter not in his voice. He seemed to know it too, because he tried to lighten his tone, but failed miserably. “I was one of the last jedi left, all my friends were…gone. I focused my energy on training: blasters, lightsabers, hand to hand combat – it became an obsession, the only thing that could keep the pain at bay.” Jacen closed his eyes, caught up in a painful memory from past. Marit waited patiently and Jacen spoke. “I don’t want Virago to go through what I did. He has a disregard for the rules, but he’s a good kid. He deserves a master who will be there for him.”

“It’s not the same, Jacen,” said Marit, placing a comforting hand on Jacen’s shoulder, “you are not abandoning Virago. He’s probably just out having fun.”

“You might be right,” sighed Jacen, “then again you might not. Either way, I’m not taking that chance. Once I help Jorrin get the chip, I’m going to look for Virago. I have a bad feeling about him that I just can’t shake. I think he is in trouble.” He didn’t know how he knew it, just that he did. He sat silently.

“Thank you for sharing this with me,” said Marit in a calm soothing voice. “I know it was not easy for you.”

Jacen gave her a one armed hug. What would he do without her? He knew that moment had added to their friendship.

Marit, gave him an odd look. “Perhaps breaking the rules is a trait Virago picked up from his master. Virago is not the only jedi with a certain disregard for the rules,” said Marit slyly.

“Nor am I the only one,” said Jacen cottoning on. “Every time I break the rules, I have a friend who covers for me.” He looked pointedly, with a raised eyebrow, at Marit, who smiled guiltily.

Suddenly Jacen spotted Jorrin, out of the corner of his eye. The chip. He had been so caught up in the discussion that he had almost forgot. “I’ll be back shortly,” he told her. “in the mean time keep your eyes peeled.” She nodded. Jacen turned around to leave.

“Jacen.”

He turned around.

“Be careful out there,” said Marit, her large amber eyes meeting his green ones. Jacen could not explain why it happened, but at that moment his stomach squirmed in a way that he was not used to. Suddenly he felt very hot, and began to sweat, although CCI was rather cool. To hide these symptoms, he forced through some bravado.

“I always am aren’t I?” he said with a grin, that for some reason was hard to maintain.

Marit thought back to the countless times that Jacen had risked his neck and skirted death. “I was afraid you’d say that,” she groaned in mock distress. “Alright you wise ass get out there.” Here, her voice changed to a more serious tone, “And may the force be with you.”

Jacen had strode quickly away, trying to escape these new feelings.

“Jedi Zarek?”

“Huh?” grunted Jacen, snapping out of his reverie and turning to face Jorrin.

“We can’t stand here all night you know, grunted Jorrin.

“Right,” said Jacen, embarrassed, knowing that he must have looked like a complete idiot just standing there, staring into space. He shook his head, clearing his mind, forcing himself to focus. He brushed an insect off his tan skin. “Lets go.”

The doors hissed open, to reveal a wide entrance hall, with black marble floors, and walls. Potted, exotic, plants with long, pointed, dark green, leaves and small bright blue flowers, sat in each corner. The hall was lit only by security lights, that bathed the room in a ghostly crimson light. A shudder ran through Jacen’s body – something was not right here.

Republic security teams were supposed to be here, securing the building; yet not one guard had come to see who had just come through the door – he and Jorrin had just walked right in, unchallenged. Jorrin opened his mouth to speak, but Jacen held a finger up to his own. As quietly as possible, he unclipped his lightsaber, crept up to a corner that lead to an adjoining hallway, and peered around it.

There, sprawled on the floor was a dead Republic soldier. His red and gold uniform had a smoking hole in the chest and his helmet was askew. The hole was still smoking, thought Jacen, - this man had died very recently.

“We can go back,” whispered Jorrin in Jacens ear. Clearly the sight had unnerved him. “Get reinforcements.”

“There is no time,” answered Jacen quietly, but with much passion. “That chip, contains vital information. Right now there is a traitor at CCI, right under our noses, who will try to block us at every turn, unless we stop them. Obviously someone got here before us, but we are not alone in this building, I can feel it. If they are still here, that must mean they have not found the chip yet. They need it, it’s key to their plan…if their infiltrator is discovered they will fail. We must not let them find it first.”

Jorrin nodded grimly and drew a blaster from his waist. All CCI agents went through basic blaster training, no matter what position they held within the agency. Despite this, Jacen doubted very much that Jorrin was any good with a blaster. Still, he needed all the help he could get right now, facing an enemy of unknown quantity.

“Stay behind me,” whispered Jacen. The last thing he needed was Jorrin getting in the way. He moved quietly and fluidly down the hall, gingerly stepping over the republic soldier. Jacens head was constantly moving, as though on a swivel, as he turned left, around another corner. As he looked to his right, he saw dark red blood splattered against a wall, but strangely there was no body near it. He felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, prickling.

“Arno’s office is on the 198th floor,” breathed Jorrin, as they reached the turbo lift. Jacen would have preffered to take the stairs, as they were quieter, and if there was anybody lying in wait to trap them, it was likely they were by the elevators. But Jorrin’s face was white as the snow in Telos’ Polar Region, and Jacen thought that perhaps it was best to get in and out of here as quickly as possible. The turbolift had dull gold doors, that clashed horribly with the black walls. Jacen pressed the button, opened the doors and the two men: one tall, tan and muscular; the other of average height and pale skin, but portly, stepped into the turbolift. Though vastly different in appearance, both were working towards the same goal.

To Jacen, the turbolift seemed to take forever, slowly creeping upward. When they reached their floor, a calm, cool female voice issued from a speaker on the ceiling of the turbolift. “Level 198 – The Office of Data Collection and Monitering and Employee Lounge.”

Jacen held his lightsaber in an offensive position, finger over the power button, Jorrin behind him, blaster at the ready. But, the doors opened revealing an empty corridor. Not even the security lights were on. They would have to rely on light streaming through the windows.

As they walked down the hall, offices with glass walls on both sides of the corridor, Jacen saw a shadow flicker ahead and to his right. Immediately, Jorrin flattened himself against the wall, though failed miserably, due to his corpulent stomach.

A man, garbed in a black uni-suit, carrying a heavy repeater, turned the corner. He was clearly not a republic soldier. Jacen held his breath. Luckily the man turned and walked in the opposite direction, with his back to them. But as though some divine force had sensed Jacen’s relief, the man stopped – right outside Arno’s office.

Jacen knew he would have to take care of the sentry quietly. He motioned for Jorrin to wait, and sneaked up behind the man. Slowly, stealthily…until he was only inches away. Suddenly without warning, Jacen grasped the man’s neck with one hand, and placed the other over the mouth, and twisted the neck violently. With a snap and a crunch the man’s neck broke. Jacen lowered him carefully to the floor, as not to make a sound. Jacen knew that this was not a very jedi-like act – but it had to be done. Such petty jedi rules often got in the way of a mission, but Jacen always gave the mission priority. The jedi wanted results but were not willing to bend the precious code to get them. Just like the Mandelorian war, though in that case, the consequences were much more severe than a blown cover.

Jacen entered Arno’s office, Jorrin close behind him. The room was a complete mess. The computer was completely fried, a blackened, skeletal remain. Someone had shattered the window. A strong wind blustered through the broken paine, scattering durasheets everywhere, some even tumbled out the window, disappearing into the night. Sheets that Arno had worked so hard on, meticulously organizing them all into proper piles. All that work was completely erased now, only a short hour after his death. Among the durasheets strewn about the floor, where the dead bodies of a Trandoshan thug and two more republic soldiers lay.

Behind the desk was Arno’s body. Jorrin knelt down beside it, a soft brereze blowing through the window, instead of a huge gust as before. “I’m sorry my friend, I should not have asked you to delve further into that wretched chip. I’m – I’m so sorry.” Jorrin bent his head down, shaking with silent grief.

“Jorrin,” said Jacen tentatively after a minute. “I know you’re upset, he put a hand on Jorrin’s shoulder, “but we can’t linger here. We just killed a patrol, and it won’t be long before someone notices that he is dead.”

“I – yes – yes of course,” said Jorrin sniffing and clearing his throat. He reached into Arno’s pocket digging for the chip. His hand was slow at first, but soion started to move frantically, feeling around to the edges of the pocket. “It’s not here, Jedi Zarek,” hissed Jorrin, still searching, as though hoping the chip would appear out of thin air.

Jacen felt as if he had been deflated. “Are you sure? Be careful, we can’t afford to miss it.”

“I tell you it’s not here!”

Jacen heard a quiet rasping laug behind him. He whipped around. The Trandoshan, whom he had assumed to be dead was quietly issuing a mirthless laugh, caughing up blood as he did so, still sprawled on the floor. Something was shining in his hand. Thechip. Jacen bent down and snatched it from the alien’s grasp. The later made no attempt to stop him. Jacen handed the chip to Jorrin, but did not take his eyes off the dying alien.

“Go ahead – take it. But know this: If you ever want to see your padawan alive again you had best do as I say,” uttered the Trandoshan desperately.

Something, some invisible restraint inside Jacen snapped. He felt his body fill with a boiling, wild, rage. He lifted the Trandoshan off the ground, into a standing position, and slammed him hard, against the glass, office, wall, not caring how loud of a sound he made, burning anger coursing through him.

“What do you know about Virago?! he growled, bringing his face within centimeters from the lizard-like Trandoshan’s.

“You’re too late, she will have him by now,” grunted the Trandoshan, coughing up more oozing, black, blood.

“Who is ‘she?’” Jacen snarled, his hand flying to the Trandoshan’s thick scaly neck. “Who?!” he repeated, tightening his grip. But the Trandoshan started issuing a gurgling sound. Jacen could feel the life draining from the Trtandoshan. He was dead.

“Jedi Zarek.”

“What?” demanded Jacen turning around to face Jorrin. But he saw what Jorrin meant before he could even answer. Through the glass walls, he could see many dark forms coming towards them. Instinct told him, that they were not republic soldiers.

“They know we are here,” said Jorrin, tightly clutching his blaster pistol, so hard that his knuckle turned white. “We’ll have to fight our way out.” But Jacen had already ignited his double bladed sapphire lightsaber.

He rushed at the newcomers, his saber blazing. A human thug, whipped out two blasters and fired them rapidly at Jacen. Jacen swung his lightsaber upward, deflecting the bolts away. He gathered the force around him like a swirling cloud and jumped towards the thug, spinning like a top, decapitating him, before swirling around to jam his blade into the skull of another who had rushed at him with a vibroblade.

The hall was filled with blaster bolts. Pinging of walls, breaking decorative sculptures and singing the potted plants. Two more thugs, this time, a Rodian and an Aqualish aimed their blaster rifles at Jacen. Jacen made a pushing motion with his right arm, sending a wave of the force at the two, sending the Rodian crashing through the glass wall of an office. He twitched violently on the floor, but did not get up.

Jacen now focused his attention on the Aqualish, but before he could make any kind of attack, a blaster bolt sliced right through the side of the alien’s head, the walrus-faced alien fell to the ground, dead. Jorrin apparently was a better shot than Jacen had originally thought.

“Nice shot Jorrin!”

Jorrin nodded slightly, but suddenly there was another blaster shot, and he fell to the ground, his neck bleeding profusely. The last remaining thug stood behind the collapsed Jorrin, a blaster carbine in his hands. Jacen felt his heart sink. The thug stood, smiling wickedly at Jacen’s despair.

“You son of a bitch, you’ll pay for that.” Jacen easily deflected the shots of the poorly trained thug, cleaving through his torso with a hot venom. As the thug fell, smoking to the ground, Jacen heard a feeble groan behind him.

“Jacen?”

He knelt down beside Jorrin, grasping his limp hand, which was already going cold. Jorrin weakly reached into his pocket and withdrew the chip, handing it to Jacen.

“Take it… take it now, before more of them show up,” he said in a strained voice. It sounded as though he had to fight to get every word out.

Jacen felt a hard, painful lump in his throat. “No, no you’re coming with me. You hold onto that.” Even as he said it, he knew it was not true.

“No, I’m not and we both know it. G – get the chip to Marit. She can decipher it. On the chip…computer number. Get the number, you get the dirty agent…the traitor.”

Jacen started to argue that he could not just leave Jorrin here, when he heard thunderous footsteps echoing down the corridor. Reinforcements were here. He could not tarry any longer. Reluctantly he took the chip, stowed it in a pocket in the fold of his robes. He got to his feet any ran, ran down the opposite corridor, back to the speeder. Just as he exited the building, he heard a blaster shot. He winced, and felt renewed painin his throat, knowing that Jorrin had just been shot. And this time, there was no way he was alive.

I won’t let Jorrin’s sacrifice be in vain, thought Jacen determinedly. I’ll get this chip back to CCI and catch the traitor, the one responsible for Jorrin’s death…and Jorrin shall be avenged, and Virago found.

*________________*_________________*______________ ____*

Outside The Hive, Jedi Padawan Duran Thul lay motionless on the ground. His eyes were closed, a pool of blood accumulating near his stomach. People walked passed him, paying his body no heed. Dead bodies were not uncommon in this seedy part of the city. The only respect the passers-by paid Duran, was by not stepping on him.

Suddenly Duran’s eyes snapped open and he drew a ragged breath that rattled in his chest. By some will of fate, chance, or just sheer luck, he was alive. He tried to move, and felt a sharp pain in his right leg. It was broken. Then all the pain from his stomach hit him. He gasped in wide-eyed agony. With intense effort and white hot pain, he picked his head up, observing his surroundings. A piece of one of his horns had chipped off, from the fall. As he turned his head towards the walkway, he saw a Devaronian, the only other living being in sight, walking by.

Duran stretched out an arm, wordlessly pleading for help. But the horned alien merely glared at him, and gave him a wide berth. Duran inhaled dust and grime from the filthy street and choked. This little action drained him so severely that he could keep his head up no longer. It hit the ground with a thud. He was now eyelevel with the numerous pieces of debris that littered the street: a discarded foil sweet wrapper, a crumpled up durasheet, and a few used death sticks. All he could do was keep his eyes open as he groaned softly, his hand over his wound, and hope that somehow, someone would find him.

===========================

O.K. I know this has been long in the coming, so if anybody sees this before reading, I'll be happy to giove you a recap, if you request it.

So thats chapter three. I put an Aruil playing pazaak tidbit in there for you Burnseyy. Thought that would be amusing. I know that up until this point chapters have been moving rather fast. These first three were just to set the stage for the main story arc. I'm going to slow things down, and work more on character development. I know Jace is sort of just there right now, but I have plans for him...anyway I'd love to hear feedback! Thanks!


~HOP



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Old 08-22-2008, 11:14 PM   #32
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Very nice. (Stated in as few words as possible)

I could see the action in great detail. Little things like the sickly-green lekku, the light brown strand of hair, the workload outweighing the mess of papers knocked out of Nakaya's hands... it added great dimension to the mood of the characters.

I did like the step-by-step process as it progressed. The way you displayed the details (it all boils down to those) was like taking veins of them from limited chunks to integrated with the action and keeping a good balance for the entire chapter. Well done.

I laughed at how Burnseyy's been screaming for this chapter for a long time and logged off minutes before you posted them. I'm glad I didn't log off just yet.
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Old 08-22-2008, 11:37 PM   #33
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Thanks DY!

Well as we all know, the traitor plays a big part in this story, although we don't know who it is. I know I've asked this before, but as the next chapter is "Traitor Revealed" I would like to know where people stand on that now that Virago has been captured. Who is it?

I'm going to go more for character development now that the stage is set for the main story arc. Well you finally see the Aruil fighting scene Burnseyy. Sorry I could not post this sooner!

~HOP



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Old 08-23-2008, 01:31 PM   #34
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Yay it's finally up! I've been waiting for this for a while.

I loved the emotion when Duran 'died'. The description in Virago's feelings was just wow. Yes, wow!

I also loved the wayAuril was playing pazaak. It was great how you said she only won because she was distracting the players.

Well done!

One liiiittttle problem I saw... you use commas a lot, especially when you don't need them.

E.g.

He also had a bad, sinking, feeling about Virago that he could not shake, ever since entering CCI.

It should look like:

He also had a bad sinking feeling about Virago, that he could not shake ever since entering CCI.


"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."



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Old 08-23-2008, 02:47 PM   #35
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Yeah, commas have never been my strong point, I'm one of those people who just sprinkles them around hoping they are right. Although I'm fairly sure that since bad and sinking describe the feeling, there should be commas there.

Aruil is my favorite, so I had to be careful not to turn her into an uber talented indestructible girl, just because I like her. Thats why I made sure to put that note in about her pazaak and showed that she had a little trouble in the battle. I wanted to make her unique, though, so I gave her the ability to control water. More interesting than just a lightsaber, no?

Thank you for waiting for my slowness. I appreciate every single piece of feedback.

~HOP



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Old 08-23-2008, 03:03 PM   #36
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I know what you mean about favouritism... So I try to pull back on their apparent amazingness. Unfortunately, sometimes I've pulled back their abilities so much, that people have asked why I'm making my favourite character a complete tool who can't do anything be careful to avoid those extremes.

I like Auril too... maybe because she's like Luna. >.> But still.

I like Jacen, too, especially his 'friendship' with Marit.


"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."



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Old 08-23-2008, 09:32 PM   #37
HIGH ON PIE 14
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Yeah, Aruil will be a bit more serious in the next chapter. I have not yet decided where to go with Jacen and Marit's "friendship" I used the water to counterbalance her lack of pazaak skills. Next chapter should be up soon, and will explain her ability a bit. I think I'll just go right to the typing instead of pencil and paper first...saves time, you know?

Whats funny is I have the end of this story already decided, and the last chapter already written. It could change, but there is a major plot twist at the end that I plan to keep.

~HOP



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Old 08-24-2008, 01:22 AM   #38
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Very nice addition HOP! It is looking really good so far, so keep up the great work.

Eagerly awaiting more.

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Old 08-30-2008, 03:35 PM   #39
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This is a picture I drew for HOPs story - as the picture says, it's Jacen Zarek, the main character of this story.

He asked me to post it here, so there you go - that's what he looks like! According to my drawing skills, at least.


"If God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm and you are the music."



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Old 08-30-2008, 03:44 PM   #40
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Ah, and here is some of the artwork I've asked Burnseyy to do for me, as I mentioned earlier. I'm not quite the artist that she is, so I asked her to draw the characters for me. So thats Jacen for you. She is also drawing some of the other characters.

Hopefully this will help everyone to visualize the characters and appreciate some more of Burnseyy's artwork.

Thanks Burnseyy!

~HOP



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