lfnetwork.com mark read register faq members calendar

Thread: Vynn Drax: Down Time
Thread Tools Display Modes
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Old 07-18-2008, 08:58 AM   #1
Astor
It's Thornhill!
 
Astor's Avatar
 
Status: Super Moderator
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Warwickshire, UK
Posts: 3,631
Current Game: The Old Republic
LFN Staff Member Forum Veteran Helpful! 
Vynn Drax: Down Time

Okay, here's the beginning of the next installment of the 'Vynn Drax Adventures'. I've also settled on the date - 15 ABY. So, without further ado, here's 'Down Time'.

If you want to read Vynn's previous adventure, you can do so here.

DOWN TIME Part 1

It had been a while since Vynn had had the chance for some rest, a chance to have some time that wasn’t filled with running away from pursuers or cheating death. Sometimes, he wished that he was still in the regular army, and not working for Intelligence.

It wasn’t that he disliked his job, but being a soldier was so much more simple. But he’d been in the Alliance’s SpecForce before this, and a smuggler before that. It was simple – his skills as a guerrilla fighter and commando, coupled with his skills as a smuggler made him a perfect spy and field agent.

After all, it was because he’d been a smuggler that Solo had picked him for the mission to Endor. “I wouldn’t trust anyone else” he’d said. They both knew it was a lie. A smuggler can only trust himself – anyone else might shoot them in the back and make a run for it. And everyone knew that the only person Solo trusted was Chewie.

But Solo was, and still is, a legend. He could hardly refuse a fellow Corellian’s offer, especially when they paid you a complement like that. So he’d agreed, and now, sixteen years later, he hadn’t looked back. He missed the old days, running goods from Kessel or wherever, fleeing from Imperial Customs. But at least this way, he got paid a good wage, and he knew Intel wouldn’t give him a job he couldn’t do. He’d had too many close shaves in the past, so many that his current job was cushy by comparison.

He realised then that the air tram he’d been travelling on had gone past his stop. It would be a good half an hour’s walk to his apartment now, but he could do with the exercise. He pressed the halt button, and at the next stop he jumped off, and made for the direction of his apartment.

He found that he was walking through mostly an Alderaanian part of the city, home to those who had fled their planet’s destruction, and chosen to stay here rather than move to New Alderaan. Most of the shops in the area were still open, selling all kinds of items, mostly hand made trinkets, or home-made food. He didn’t stop to look – he was tired, and didn’t particularly feel like relaxing. He’d had an uneasy feeling since he’d left the Rotunda, a feeling that he was being watched.

It was a feeling that wouldn’t go away. ‘Come on, you old fool, you’re just being paranoid’. Or was he? He’d been the follower plenty of times, after all. He looked around, but saw nobody suspicious. Whoever they are, they’re good, he thought. He saw a chance. There was an alleyway not far away. He could maybe lure his predator down there and confront them. He reached inside his pocket for his hold-out blaster, placing his fingers round the grip.

He took the turning, down the alleyway, and risked a glimpse in the direction he'd come from. He was being followed. By a woman, judging by the shape of the silhouette. He’d only get one good chance, as they’d doubtless have a weapon ready, too. He whipped around, drawing his blaster as he did, and squeezing off a few shots, straight at his pursuer’s head.

But the bolts didn’t hit. As he fired, a brilliant blade of pink energy appeared, batting the bolts harmlessly aside. Then, before he could offer any more resistance, his blaster flew from his hand, and he flew onto his back.

The next sensation he felt was of heat, close to his neck. He tried to move his head, but was distracted by a female voice, belonging to the flame-haired woman pointing the lightsaber at him. “Didn’t anyone ever tell you it’s rude to shoot at defenceless women, Drax?”







Last edited by Astor; 07-20-2008 at 06:25 PM.
Astor is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 07-18-2008, 12:17 PM   #2
Astor
It's Thornhill!
 
Astor's Avatar
 
Status: Super Moderator
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Warwickshire, UK
Posts: 3,631
Current Game: The Old Republic
LFN Staff Member Forum Veteran Helpful! 
Okay, part 2 is now done. I had a little trouble with this, mostly with trying to capture the essence of Mara's character, but I think I did pretty well in the end.

Part 2

“Nice to see you, too, Mara.” As his lips parted into a smile, she deactivated her lightsaber, and offered him a hand. He took it, but as he did he hooked his foot round her ankle, and brought her crashing down onto the alley floor next to him.

“That’s for sneaking up on me,” he said as he pushed himself into an upright position. “Why couldn’t you have just said hello, like an ordinary person?” He looked down at her as she struggled on the floor, her brilliantly coloured hair sweeping across her face with the slightest movement.

“Firstly,” she said, “you have a habit of turning off your comlink.” He smiled; it was true, he didn’t like having to carry a comlink, so he often turned it off. “And secondly,” she said, as she managed to sit upright, with the evening light making her green eyes seem more intense. “It was more fun this way. That, and I like making you sweat”.

“I’m honoured” He said, as he finally managed to stand up, offering his hand to Mara as he rose. She declined, preferring to make an act of a distressed woman struggling to her feet. When she got up, she dusted down her clothes, her usual attire of a form-fitting leather suit and travelling cloak along with a utility belt no doubt containing all the usual tools of their trade. She handed his blaster back to him. “Rather small, isn’t it?” she said as she looked at him with a sly grin.

There was a time, a few years ago, when they’d both run with Karrde, that they had gotten close, but never that close. They'd even shared a bunk, when their ship had crashed on Hoth, and they'd both be dead if they hadn't. All that aside, he was among the few who had the privilege of calling Mara Jade ‘friend’.

He took the blaster back, and concealed it in his pocket, thumbing the safety catch on. He normally left it ready to fire, but with Mara around he probably wouldn’t need it. “Okay, jokes aside, you must have a reason for finding me” He said, as he started back out of the alleyway, Mara trailing behind. “What, a girl needs a reason to see her old friends?” Vynn noted how she emphasised the 'old' in the sentence. "I just thought it would be nice to catch up".

“Okay, my apartment isn’t far, we can catch up there” He said, thinking it would be nice to have someone other than Whiner for company for once. “And let you take me hostage?” She chuckled. “I don’t think so. I know a place, a public place, so don’t get any ideas” Vynn could usually tell when Mara was joking, but that had him confused. She led the way, to a small tapcaf about ten minutes away from the alley they had encountered each other. All the way there, however, he had a feeling she was going to draw him into yet more trouble…







Last edited by Astor; 07-21-2008 at 04:14 PM. Reason: fixed spelling error
Astor is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 07-19-2008, 05:07 PM   #3
Astor
It's Thornhill!
 
Astor's Avatar
 
Status: Super Moderator
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Warwickshire, UK
Posts: 3,631
Current Game: The Old Republic
LFN Staff Member Forum Veteran Helpful! 
Part 3

The tapcaf wasn’t the most inviting establishment Vynn had set foot in, and it was all the more surprising because either side were open-fronted shops selling Alderaanian art and other intricate sundries. It was a narrow shop, no more than fifteen meters wide, but it ran deep into the city block, almost double that, with the bar running the entire length along one side. Opposite that were a number of cubicles that ran the entire length of their side.

Mara led him to the furthest cubicle, at the very end of the shop. As she slid onto one of the benches either side of the plasteel table, she called out an order to the sullen looking Duros behind the bar. Corellian Ale, a smuggler’s favourite. Most smugglers seem to have been brought up on the stuff, so that most had built up a natural resistance to any intoxicating effect it might produce.

“Nice work with those Imperials” she said, as she took their drinks from the serving droid that had whizzed towards them, almost spilling them. “But I heard you got caught by an Interdictor. You’re getting sloppy” He could never compare to her skills – she’d been an Emperor’s hand after all, and was raised for espionage – Vynn had simply been picked because he had a few useful skills. He’d learned the rest in ‘on the job training’ as Intel called it.

He shrugged, leaning back into the seat. “What can I say? I was in a hurry” which was true, after all. He was surprised Mara was even looking into it – it was just a routine data raid. The only reason Mara would be interested is if they found something. “What did they find in that data? I thought it was just troop movements and logistical reports” He said, now leaning forwards, so they could not be heard. She followed his lead, and their faces were inches apart.

“They did find something. But I don’t know what. There’s a lot of chatter between Intel and Fleet Command, trying to make sense of it. Something’s happening, and it's got the Moffs riled up” He sat back, wondering what it might be. The Remnant had been quiet for months now, regrouping and consolidating their holds on Bastion and the fleet yards Yaga Minor. Were they planning another attack? He had a few sources near those worlds, so he might be able to find out.

“I’ll see what I can dig up” He said, trying to work out how to contact his leads – most of them he hadn’t spoken to for years. “Don’t bother. If my leads haven’t found anything, then yours certainly wont.” Mara had contacts throughout the galaxy, and she knew a lot of people. If she didn’t know anything about something, then it wasn’t worth knowing.

“Well, I guess we’ll just to wait till see where Star Destroyers start appearing” He said, a half-grin on his face as he lifted his glass to empty it. He made a note to be ready for travel when Intel called for him. If the Remnant was planning something, then he was bound to be involved eventually.







Last edited by Astor; 07-21-2008 at 04:14 PM.
Astor is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 07-20-2008, 05:23 PM   #4
Astor
It's Thornhill!
 
Astor's Avatar
 
Status: Super Moderator
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Warwickshire, UK
Posts: 3,631
Current Game: The Old Republic
LFN Staff Member Forum Veteran Helpful! 
Has anybody been reading this? It's not that i'm complaining, or even annoyed, as i'd still keep posting, but it'd be nice to know if someone likes this stuff. Anyhoo, here's the fourth part. This is more of an attempt to get into the character's mind, and explore his feelings about a few things.

Part 4

It took him three days to find out about the Remnant's plans. He’d spent most of that time at either his apartment or the swoop track, trying to occupy his time. He didn’t like to admit it, but he lived for his job. There was a time when he hated his job, but that was twenty years ago, running freight past Imperial Blockades. But his job now, as a ‘dashing holonovel spy’ as Mara called it, was virtually his only reason to live.

It wasn’t the killing, or the sneaking around in cramped ducts and vents, but the adrenaline, and excitement he got from those times. He found it to be unmatched compared to other activities. But he still had his regrets, like any sentient did. He was pushing forty-eight, and often wished he’d had a wife, and children, but he told himself that he couldn’t, not until the galaxy was a safe enough place. But he’d been having these thoughts for some time, and often found himself distracted by the female form – so much so that if he wasn’t careful, it would interfere with his work.

He wasn’t some spotty street-kid, after all. He couldn’t let himself be distracted by women, not when he had important work to do. But it wasn’t as easy as that. Whenever he tried not to think about them, there they were, right in the center of his mind. It was infuriating, or at least it would’ve been, had he not been able to suppress the thoughts as quickly as they’d come. But he didn’t like to admit that he liked having those thoughts.

“Not yet, Old man, but soon” He’d been thinking about retiring for some time now, but he had trouble letting go of not just his profession, but what was now his life. He pictured himself setting up a shipping business or maybe transferring back to the Fleet – they needed good officers, and that career was more stable, more suitable to starting a family and eventually settling down.

But for now, such plans and thoughts would have to wait. He had business with the Empire. It seemed that the Remnant was massing forces at Yaga Minor for an offensive somewhere. Fleet Intelligence was still drawing a blank in that regard. Vynn's mission was simple, gain access to Yaga Minor, gather information on the offensive, and also try to disable a few of the Remnant’s repair facilities. It wouldn’t be easy, given Yaga Minor’s position within Remnant space. But he wouldn’t be alone – he’d have Whiner, now repainted in Imperial regulation grey and black, a stark contrast from his former white and green colouring. He’d also have backup in the form of a contact at Yaga Minor who would give him access to the more sensitive areas of the shipyards.

So, for the next few days, he wasn’t going to be Vynn Drax anymore. Instead, he was going to be Captain Kevan Graff, of the Imperial Navy, with all the papers and identification he’d need to convince even a Moff that he was a real person. He stood upright in the back of the private air-tram that was taking him to his ship, a refitted Lambda-class shuttle. He looked at himself in the reflection of the windows. There he was, in the olive green of an Imperial Captain, stood ramrod straight, trying his best snobbish officer’s look. It wasn’t all that convincing. He hated acting, but this was important – thousands, maybe even millions would be counting on his success, so he had to go through with it.

The air-tram arrived at New Republic Intelligence’s private hangar, and he strode down the boarding ramp of the tram. And there he saw the last person he wanted to see, in this outfit, at least. Mara Jade walked up towards him, and drew a finger up and down the front of his tunic. “It suits you. Maybe you joined the wrong side, Captain” She smiled, now drawing small circles around his rank insignia.

She stepped aside, as she looked beyond him, and saw a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers march up behind him, coming to a halt. Vynn turned in amazement. He was under the impression this mission would be as small as possible, yet now he was looking at eight identical figures, all at attention. The lead trooper, bearing a Sergeant’s pauldron, removed his helmet.

“Sergeant Gerlon, sir” he said as he saluted. “Command decided that you might need back-up for the second part of the mission and the exfiltration, and we’re it” He was still shocked, but silently relieved. At least he had a better chance of coming home now. “Very well, Sergeant. Get your men on the shuttle”. He turned around to speak to Mara, and saw her still with that smile on her face.

“Looks like you’ve got your hands full, Captain” She kept teasing him with that. “I’ll leave you to it. Don’t get yourself killed, ok?” but before he could offer a response, Mara was walking away, out of the hangar. "I'll try," he whispered, as he turned to the shuttle, and ascended into it's durasteel hold, and towards what awaited him at the shipyards.







Last edited by Astor; 07-21-2008 at 04:14 PM.
Astor is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 07-21-2008, 04:06 PM   #5
Astor
It's Thornhill!
 
Astor's Avatar
 
Status: Super Moderator
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Warwickshire, UK
Posts: 3,631
Current Game: The Old Republic
LFN Staff Member Forum Veteran Helpful! 
Part 5

Captain Kevan Graff strode down the boarding ramp of his pristine shuttle, a perfect example of military precision, flanked by his personal guard of Stormtroopers, marching a few paces behind. Or at least that’s what it looked like to any onlookers in the one of the many hangars of the Yaga Minor shipyards.

It was of course, an elaborate façade, all part of a plan to disable Imperial repair capabilities. The plan was to be in and out within three days, and hopefully no-body would suspect the newly arrived commander of requisitions and supplies. It would only be after his disappearance that anybody should suspect anything. Or at least, that’s what Vynn hoped. Here he was, with eight men and a droid, hopelessly outnumbered if things went south. He would need all his skills to pull this off, and get both himself and his men out of this.

He came to a halt in front of a woman bearing the rank of lieutenant. She was beautiful, in her late twenties, and her hazel eyes and fair skin were framed by long locks of auburn hair. And, from the looks of her body, she kept herself in shape. She stepped up to Vynn, gave a curt salute, and handed him a datapad.

The pad only contained transfer details, requiring his thumbprint to acknowledge his arrival. It was then that she spoke. “I’m Lieutenant Isandra Nilar, Sir. It’s a pleasure to have you aboard, Colonel” that last part, whispered so only those two would hear it, caught his attention. She’d addressed him by his Republic rank. He didn’t see any troops with her, so she couldn’t have been here to arrest him. She must have been his contact. He decided he needed to keep up the act until they were somewhere quiet.

“Thank you, Lieutenant” He replied, giving his voice a commanding air to further convince any onlookers. “You may take me to my quarters. I am quite tired, and would like to rest before assuming my duties” he looked around to Sergeant Gerlon and his men. “And see that my men are assigned a barracks”. She nodded, and had a hangar technician direct his men to a Barracks. She beckoned him to follow, and led him to his quarters.

The quarters were exactly as he’d expected – large, and lavishly furnished, in a manner befitting an Imperial officer. He didn’t doubt that higher ranks had larger, even more grandiose rooms, but it sure beat the triple bunks his squad would be forced to use for the duration of their mission. Not that he’d planned on getting much sleep.

“Are they to your liking?” asked Nilar, as she scanned the room with a small device. Vynn guessed she was scanning and neutralising any eavesdropping devices, so that they could have a discussion without interruption. “They’re fine, thank you” he was looking around the room, for any locations where someone could conceal a listening device. At last, Nilar nodded and put the scanner away.

“I’m sorry about that, Colonel, but I had to be sure the room wasn’t bugged.” He looked her up and down again. She really was beautiful, with ‘curves in all the right places’ as he’d heard someone once say. But he was almost old enough to be her father. Almost. “Perfectly understandable, Lieutenant. Has there been any word from command?” She handed him a small datapad, which she’d taken from a storage locker on their way to his quarters. It confirmed her identity as Major Thia Loprin, with a picture, for a positive identification. In her picture, she wore her hair long, and free-flowing, very different to the severe bun it was in now. He decided she looked better in the picture. The datapad also included a new order – that she was to escape with them after the mission was done. That pleased Vynn – he wanted to try and get to know her outside of their work – but that would have to wait.

After he’d looked at the pad, he handed it back, as Thia was talking on her comlink to the command center. “…arrived yet?” was all he heard from the command center. She answered that yes, the new requisitions officer had arrived, and that he had settled into his quarters. The voice from the command center went quiet, then replied again “Very good. Oh, the Admiral would like to meet him, over dinner in the officer’s mess. Tell him he can bring company if he wishes” and the comlink went dead. She placed the comlink back into her belt, and looked at him. “Well, Colonel, it looks like you’ve got your night planned” She smiled as she turned to leave his quarters.

“So do you” he said, as his eyes watched her stop in her tracks at his remark. “I’m not doing this alone, Major. You’re coming too.” She turned around and looked at him, placing her hands on his hips. “Is that an order?” she asked, and Vynn thought she’d say no. “No, it’s a request. We’re going to need to work together to pull this off, and I need your help.” He tried to say it as a flattering a way as possible, while trying not to make it sound like a lazy come on.

Thia stood there, thinking it over in her head, until she let her hands drop, and her face warmed up. “Very well. I’ll be here at eight, for dinner with the Admiral” She turned around, and opened the door. “Oh, and wear something nice!” he called after her, before she stepped out of the door. Her head turned to look in his direction “Another request?” she looked as if she was humouring him this time. “No, an order” he smiled, and with that, she left.







Last edited by Astor; 07-21-2008 at 05:07 PM.
Astor is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 07-21-2008, 11:08 PM   #6
Rev7
I'm a Mage
 
Rev7's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 3,208
Current Game: CoD 5 WaW; Skate 2
Helpful! 
Sorry that I haven't replied Astor, I just now had time to really read it. I really like it so far. I like all of your description. It just adds a lot to the story. Not much more than that to say, other than I like it. I am looking forward to the next chapter.

Rev7 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 07-21-2008, 11:37 PM   #7
Darth_Yuthura
Banned
 
Status: Banned
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Vienna
Posts: 1,585
Current Game: KOTOR III
Uh... I was expecting a KOTOR story, but this is a fine addition to the CEC.

A story about smuggling... how exciting! I'll say this much: I don't frequently see dialog where the backround ambiance takes up twice as much as the quotes. It's just a bit difficult to keep the dialog straight when it takes a lot of text to go from person to person.
Darth_Yuthura is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 07-22-2008, 07:48 AM   #8
Astor
It's Thornhill!
 
Astor's Avatar
 
Status: Super Moderator
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Warwickshire, UK
Posts: 3,631
Current Game: The Old Republic
LFN Staff Member Forum Veteran Helpful! 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev7 View Post
Sorry that I haven't replied Astor
No worries, mate. Just me being a whiny old fool again .

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev7
I really like it so far. I like all of your description. It just adds a lot to the story.
This is the first time i've really made an effort to get 'into' the characters - I thought it would be more interesting than just writing about what he's going to do - everybody has wants, regrets and other such thoughts, so I thought i'd try to include some of that. I also wanted to try a 'cameo', and I think that the one I did choose has worked out pretty well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth_Yuthura
Uh... I was expecting a KOTOR story
Well, as much as I love KOTOR, I love the post-RotJ EU more, and know enough to have a go at something different.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth_Yuthura
A story about smuggling... how exciting!
Well, this isn't so much about smuggling, but it is about a Smuggler turned spy, but i'm sure some smuggling will come into it at a later juncture.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth_Yuthura
It's just a bit difficult to keep the dialog straight when it takes a lot of text to go from person to person.
I can see what you're saying. It can be difficult, but I don't think it's too bad.

I'm glad you both liked it, there'll a sixth chapter along soon!







Last edited by Astor; 07-17-2009 at 04:12 PM. Reason: epic quote fail
Astor is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 07-24-2008, 02:37 PM   #9
Astor
It's Thornhill!
 
Astor's Avatar
 
Status: Super Moderator
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Warwickshire, UK
Posts: 3,631
Current Game: The Old Republic
LFN Staff Member Forum Veteran Helpful! 
Okay, so this chapter ended up being a lot longer than i'd planned. It was supposed to go straight to dinner with the Admiral, but I got a bit too carried away with things, so dinner with the Admiral is now going to be in chapter 7. As usual, enjoy.

Part 6

In the three or so hours between Thia’s departure and the time they would go for dinner with the Admiral, Vynn had taken a walk around the part of the Yards where he was stationed. To any onlookers it would look like he was taking a tour of his new assignment, but in truth he was memorising the layout, ready for the next phase of the operation, and so that he knew the best escape routes should trouble arrive sooner than expected.

After he’d taken his tour, he went to the droid bay to check how Whiner was doing. He’d been brought aboard as a technical assistance droid, which would give him access to critical areas of the facility. But at the moment, the droid assignment officer had set him to work cleaning drive units in the hangar bay – a ‘most unfair use of his ability and intellect’ as Whiner had called it. For once, Vynn agreed with him. He just hoped the droid maintenance engineers didn’t start poking around in his programming – if they did, the whole mission would be over in an instant.

It was lucky then, that Whiner had been fitted with plenty of anti-intrusion devices. An engineer could only access his central processor and databank with the correct four digit code. If the wrong code was entered, Whiner’s processor and databank would fuse, effectively turning the droid into a useless hulk. Whiner might not like it, but he didn’t know about it. He’d been programmed to think it was just a lock, rather than something that would delete him entirely.

He had resolved to find Gerlon afterwards, but he got a call from him saying that they’d been sent to patrol the central repair facility – and that he’d make notes on the best places for the charges to be placed. Gerlon was good soldier, and had been in the Alliance longer than Vynn had. But for this mission, he was Sergeant Ghilan, of the Imperial Army. Vynn was confident in the sergeant’s ability to carry out his part of the mission, when the time came. They’d need to keep the ruse that long for it to work though.

Now, he was stood in his quarters, staring at himself in the mirror. He felt awkward. Thia had sent him a dress uniform, which he was now looking at, hanging off of his body. It was a light grey tunic, with black trousers, and had a deep-red baldric hanging from one shoulder, displaying medals and other insignia, none of which he’d actually earned. But the Admiral didn’t know that. He fastened his belt around his waist, and straightened his tunic. He looked impressive. This uniform wasn’t like the uniforms that the New Republic had. This uniform was smart. Why do the bad guys get the good outfits? he asked himself. At the least the Empire knew how to dress – Vynn remembered being on Carida during the graduation parade for Imperial Cadets. Not a single stain or thread out of place – and you could see your face in their boots.

Not like the New Republic’s uniform codes – there was a certain leeway when it came to parades – dress uniforms were reserved for those of Colonel and higher – a throwback to the old Alliance days, when combat ready uniforms were needed more. Vynn hated dressing up, anyway. He much preferred his usual style of loose fitting shirt, military style trousers, and comfortable, worn in boots.

After adjusting and altering his uniform, he checked the chrono – it was twenty to eight – Thia would be here any minute. Sure enough, the door chime sounded a few moments later. Vynn answered the door to see a completely different person to the smartly dressed Lieutenant he’d met a few hours before.

Now, her hair was hanging around either side of her face, draping over her shoulders. She wasn’t wearing a dress-uniform. Instead, she was wearing a long, tight dress of black shimmersilk that complemented her figure perfectly, all the way down to her knees. Vynn had to stop himself from staring, but it was incredibly difficult not to.

“Why aren’t you in a uniform?” He asked, still staring at her figure. “My eyes are up here, flyboy” she remarked as she crossed her arms. Vynn then realised he was staring at her chest. He didn’t know it, but his face was turning a deep shade of red. “Sorry, Major” he spoke softly, in an apologetic tone. “Please, Vynn, this is hard enough without formalities, call me Thia, or rather, Isandra, for the time being” at least she was keeping her mind on the mission. “Of course, Isandra. So, why no uniform?” he said, now looking her in the face.

“I’m a guest, and I’m off-duty, so I don’t need a uniform, even if I am an officer. And besides, judging by your reaction to my attire, this should keep the Admiral from asking too many questions about us” she’d clearly thought it through, but Vynn also felt like she was teasing him on purpose.

“So, Captain, shall we go?” she asked, as she pulled him out of the door, and put her arm through his. “This way, my lady” He smiled as he led her down the corridor, towards their meeting with the Admiral…






Astor is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 07-24-2008, 03:11 PM   #10
Rev7
I'm a Mage
 
Rev7's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 3,208
Current Game: CoD 5 WaW; Skate 2
Helpful! 
It wasn't that long. :/

Good chapter though. The Imperials do know how to dress.

Rev7 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 07-24-2008, 04:02 PM   #11
Astor
It's Thornhill!
 
Astor's Avatar
 
Status: Super Moderator
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Warwickshire, UK
Posts: 3,631
Current Game: The Old Republic
LFN Staff Member Forum Veteran Helpful! 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev7 View Post
Good chapter though. The Imperials do know how to dress.
I thought i'd include that little bit because I remember watching a DVD where Ian McDiarmid introduced the villains of Star Wars, with something along the lines of:

"They have all the best music, and all the best costumes"

And, it's plainly obvious through the films (who doesn't like an olive green ensemble with some nice jackboots?) So I thought it would ironic to have Vynn remark on it.

EDIT: I do have a question, folks. How am I doing with the relationship between Thia and Vynn? Is it too obvious? Is it too explicit? I don't really know much about that sort of thing, so i'm just guessing really.







Last edited by Astor; 07-24-2008 at 04:13 PM.
Astor is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 09-29-2008, 06:14 AM   #12
Astor
It's Thornhill!
 
Astor's Avatar
 
Status: Super Moderator
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Warwickshire, UK
Posts: 3,631
Current Game: The Old Republic
LFN Staff Member Forum Veteran Helpful! 
Okay, guys... I kind of completely forgot about this, and college got in the way, but i'll try and have chapter 7 up maybe later today...

And maybe we'll actually have dinner with the Admiral!






Astor is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 09-29-2008, 07:53 AM   #13
Endorenna
Gamer Wanna-be
 
Endorenna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,140
Current Game: inFamous/Uncharted 2
I just found this, and I have to say, I love it! Keep it up, Astor!

PS: I loved the comment about the uniforms.


Chapter 12 of A Soul Adrift is out.

Short stories:
T'katlu: On the planet Felucia, a young apprentice of the Dark Side thinks back to the beginning of her training as she lies in wait for her prey...

All the Time: After four years in the Unknown Regions, the Exile returns to the known galaxy to visit an old enemy.

Broken: A master of the Dark Side finds himself about to lose the one thing he cares about--and he will do anything to stop her from endangering herself.
Endorenna is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 09-29-2008, 10:28 AM   #14
Bee Hoon
ngom ngom ngom
 
Bee Hoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Sydney
Posts: 1,268
Forum Veteran Veteran Fan Fic Author LFN Staff Member Helpful! 
A bit of contradiction where you said a smuggler only trusts himself, and that Solo only trusts Chewie (which Vynn would probably call Chewbacca as I don't think they're close?). Nice touch with the smuggler's trust issues though It should be compliment, not complement.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Astor_Kaine
She declined, preferring to make an act of a distressed woman struggling to her feet.
"Make an act" sounds a little awkward. Perhaps "play the part"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Astor_Kaine
The tapcaf wasn’t the most inviting establishment Vynn had set foot in, and it was all the more surprising because either side were open-fronted shops selling Alderaanian art and other intricate sundries.
What's a tapcaf? I've never read the EU novels:P It should be "on either side". Subsequent description of the tapcaf's layout is nice and clear. It would be nice to have some atmospheric descriptions though--was it gloomy? Reeking of smoke?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Astor_Kaine
But his job now, as a ‘dashing holonovel spy’ as Mara called it, was virtually his only reason to live.
This made me giggle

Exfiltration? Could you explain? *is lost*

Quote:
Originally Posted by Astor_Kaine
and her hazel eyes and fair skin were framed by long locks of auburn hair.
Sort of implies that her hair was worn loose, but later you state that it was in a bun. Could you clarify?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Astor_Kaine
and her face warmed up.
Hee, this makes me think of heating units Try "she smiled warmly" or something similar

Quote:
Originally Posted by Astor_Kaine
This uniform was smart. Why do the bad guys get the good outfits? he asked himself. At the least the Empire knew how to dress – Vynn remembered being on Carida during the graduation parade for Imperial Cadets. Not a single stain or thread out of place – and you could see your face in their boots.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Astor_kaine
Vynn answered the door to see a completely different person to the smartly dressed Lieutenant he’d met a few hours before.
The sentence is kinda awkward. Perhaps "Vynn opened the door, and it took him a moment to recognise Thia." Not perfect, but I'm sure you can improve on it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Astor_Kaine
“My eyes are up here, flyboy”


All in all, I enjoyed it thus far--your style is very readable. There aren't many errors, which is good My main question is: doesn't the Remnants have *some* records of their ranking officers?:/ I suppose it's possible to hack it, and cover your tracks, so it would be nice if this was acknowledged somewhere.

Keep the chapters coming!



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
Bee Hoon is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 09-29-2008, 10:50 AM   #15
Astor
It's Thornhill!
 
Astor's Avatar
 
Status: Super Moderator
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Warwickshire, UK
Posts: 3,631
Current Game: The Old Republic
LFN Staff Member Forum Veteran Helpful! 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon View Post
A bit of contradiction where you said a smuggler only trusts himself, and that Solo only trusts Chewie (which Vynn would probably call Chewbacca as I don't think they're close?).
That might be revealed in a later chapter, or possibly a prequel .

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee
"Make an act" sounds a little awkward. Perhaps "play the part"?
Hmm...

"While Mara played the part of a distressed woman, struggling to her feet"


That does sound a bit better, actually.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee
What's a tapcaf? I've never read the EU novels:P
A tapcaf, from what i've gathered, is sort of like a coffee shop, or diner. If a Cantina is the Star Wars word for a bar, then tapcaf is probably any other kind of eating establishment. At least, I think so.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee
It would be nice to have some atmospheric descriptions though--was it gloomy? Reeking of smoke?
That's about the only time I haven't really described much, isn't it? I'll admit I did struggle with describing the interior, so I didn't write all that much for it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee
This made me giggle
I'm glad the humour's working! It was also my way of trying to inject a bit of Mara's character into her 'cameo' - she's a very light-hearted person when she wants to be in the books.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee
Exfiltration? Could you explain? *is lost*
Well, infiltration is the insertion, and exfiltration is the extraction.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee
Sort of implies that her hair was worn loose, but later you state that it was in a bun. Could you clarify?
It is in a bun, but not all of it. I kind of failed to mention that, didn't I? There are some parts of it hanging down either side of her face, sort of 'framing' it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee
Hee, this makes me think of heating units Try "she smiled warmly" or something similar
Yeah, looking back, maybe she's an industrial heating droid .

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee
The sentence is kinda awkward. Perhaps "Vynn opened the door, and it took him a moment to recognise Thia." Not perfect, but I'm sure you can improve on it
That sounds more fluid than what's in there already. I'll try and work up an alternative.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee
All in all, I enjoyed it thus far--your style is very readable. There aren't many errors, which is good My main question is: doesn't the Remnants have *some* records of their ranking officers?:/ I suppose it's possible to hack it, and cover your tracks, so it would be nice if this was acknowledged somewhere.
Yes, the Remnant does have records of it's personnel, but they're not as comprehensive as they would have been about 20 years before. Mistakes creep in, files get lost during evacuations, and commanding officers who might be able to provide references conveniently die.

And i'll quite possibly be mentioning it in the next chapter.

I'm glad that people like it; it's given me enough reason to fire it up again, and I pretty much finished the next chapter when I last worked on it (back in august) so with some refinements it'll be up!






Astor is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 09-29-2008, 12:15 PM   #16
Bee Hoon
ngom ngom ngom
 
Bee Hoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Sydney
Posts: 1,268
Forum Veteran Veteran Fan Fic Author LFN Staff Member Helpful! 
Heh, it's your call Oh no, I'll have to read An Easy Escape soon :O Oh, I see. Well, I suppose you'll have to decide whether you want the bright cheery family restaurant type, or the gloomy dodgy type of tapcaf Ah, the exfiltration makes sense. I've just never heard of that word before, but I don't usually read spy books, so that might explain it;p

Yep, might wanna clarify how she was wearing her hair. Don't mess with industrial heating droids--they're hawt. Aye, record keeping can be a pain in the behind, but you'd think the Remnant would need a competent human resource department;p Eventually they'd catch on, so I guess it's a matter of getting in and out on schedule as well as not having bad luck.



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
Bee Hoon is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 09-29-2008, 01:45 PM   #17
JediMaster12
Dum Spiramus Tuebimur
 
JediMaster12's Avatar
 
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Buried in books...literally
Posts: 5,933
Current Game: Assassin's Creed
LFN Staff Member Veteran Fan Fic Author Contest winner - Fan Fiction Forum Veteran 
I did a read through and thought it an interestign story so far. As a person who hasn't read the EU books, you are at an advantage to get away with things that I don't know about

Anyway, I noticed that you have a tendency to not like commas especially when someone is talking. Funny thing is I have an opposite proble because I seem to favor them. It's a minor grammar issue so nothing drastic is needed. I do agree with Bee that you could clarfiy on some things like Lt. Thia's hair.

On a military technical note, you don't have to spell the ranks out completely unless they are by themselves. If you refer to Thia by her rank and name, just write Lt. Thia or whatever. Also I believe in the Resource Center are some articles regarding ranks and formations in the military in general written by our critic mach. It is always a good idea to look at those articles. They may have what you are looking for.

As to your questions about the obvious possible romance, it's not too obvious. Personally I get a kick out of relationships where two people are so right for each other yet they don't see it, sort of like Jordan and Woody from Crossing Jordan or Bones and Boothe on Bones. They get along and they try to help each other out with their relationships and yet they always come to each other with a problem.
However your take is good on it. When Thia says that her eyes are up here, you reminded me of that episode of Monk. If you have her move her hands upward to indicate her eyes, I would have been giggling like the girl I am. I like how you make the mistakes seem on his part which is classic but always amusing. I am curious to see how this relationship develops. Keep at it.

JediMaster12 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 09-29-2008, 05:06 PM   #18
Astor
It's Thornhill!
 
Astor's Avatar
 
Status: Super Moderator
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Warwickshire, UK
Posts: 3,631
Current Game: The Old Republic
LFN Staff Member Forum Veteran Helpful! 
Quote:
Originally Posted by JediMaster12 View Post
I did a read through and thought it an interestign story so far. As a person who hasn't read the EU books, you are at an advantage to get away with things that I don't know about
The EU helps to fill in a lot of the blanks, so that I don't have to make stuff up - it's already been made up!

Quote:
Originally Posted by JediMaster12
Anyway, I noticed that you have a tendency to not like commas especially when someone is talking. Funny thing is I have an opposite proble because I seem to favor them.
I go from one extreme to the other - I used to use LOADS of them, and now i've cut down to using almost none. I need to work a bit more on getting a balance between the two extremes, I think.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JediMaster12
As to your questions about the obvious possible romance, it's not too obvious. Personally I get a kick out of relationships where two people are so right for each other yet they don't see it, sort of like Jordan and Woody from Crossing Jordan or Bones and Boothe on Bones. They get along and they try to help each other out with their relationships and yet they always come to each other with a problem.
As I've said to Bee, It's obvious (or it will be, eventually) that there's a shared attraction between them, which is amplified by their situation, because they're having to work closely. It's the first time i've tried to write anything other than war, or death, or violence, so i'm glad it's working out, and is fairly believable.

Anyhoo, here's the next part, which, I feel is pretty weak compared to the previous installments, so i'll let everyone have a read and see what they think.

Also, I seem to like using cliffhangers to end installments.

Part 7

The walk to the Admiral’s personal mess was a long one, interrupted by a short shuttle trip to the other side of the facility, where he kept his quarters. Vynn and Thia had kept relatively quiet for the most part, making small talk about various things of little importance. They could have talked about their mission, but the chances of being overheard were too great, so they’d settled on whether a holo-actress had had the cosmetic surgery she’d vigorously denied in this morning’s showbiz news broadcast.

When they got to the Admiral’s mess, they were waved into the antechamber by the Stormtroopers outside, and greeted by a young lieutenant, presumably the Admiral’s aide. “Greetings, Captain Graff. If you’ll follow me, I’ll show to the Admiral’s lounge. At that, the lieutenant turned on his heels, and started towards a door to the side.

As they crossed the threshold, Vynn was taken aback by the opulence of the room. Gone were the plain, grey durasteel plates on the deck and the walls found covering the walls and floors in the rest of the base. Now, they were replaced by a lush red carpet, and ornate carved wood panels lined the walls. All the furniture in the room was wooden too, made of kriin-wood, a now extremely rare wood, only found on Alderaan. There were sofas arranged in an ‘L’ shape in front of a large stone fireplace, with a real burning fire. Opposite those sofas was a large, high-backed chair, upholstered in a red matching the carpet. But it wasn’t the chair that caught Vynn and Thia’s attention.

As they entered, a tall, aging man rose from the chair, and paced towards them. A well-built man, in his late sixties, Sorel Calann would have looked like a kindly old grandfather had he not been wearing the dress uniform of an admiral of the Imperial Fleet.

“Ah, Captain Graff. A pleasure to meet you” he grinned as he outstretched his hand. Vynn took it, with as much enthusiasm as he could muster. This was not going to be easy. “And who, might I ask, is this enchanting young lady?” He said, as he took Thia’s hand, and kissed her fingers. “Isandra, sir” she said, with a sheepish grin, embarrassed at the Admiral’s gesture. It could have been revulsion, but Vynn settled on embarrassment. “Isandra? Such a beautiful name. I have a daughter named Isandra, you know” He said, as he gestured for them to take seats on the sofa as he returned to his chair.

As Thia sat, she crossed her legs, and her dress rode up slightly to her knees, revealing her calves. Vynn tried not to look. The Admiral couldn’t help himself. That was another strike against him, Vynn decided. He was old enough to be her father.

“So, Captain, how are you finding our operation?” the admiral asked, as he leant back in his chair, meshing his hands together on his lap. “Very interesting, sir. I had hoped to be assigned a combat unit, but where the Empire commands, I obey” It was a pre-planned response, but one he knew would work on a man like the Admiral. Honour and duty were the most important things to men like him, so it would reflect well on him during this meeting.

“Well, I’ll see what I can do for you, Captain. You’ve got spirit, and I respect that.” Smiled the Admiral, as Vynn noticed his gaze lingering on Thia. She returned his looks with a similar smile, and then smiled at Vynn. She looked like she was chewing sheet metal. After another ten minutes of small-talk, mostly along the lines of how beautiful Thia looked, and how nice it was to have fresh blood on the station, dinner was served.

As the steward escorted them into the dinner hall, Thia placed her arm in Vynn’s, and squeezed his hand, looking every bit the devoted couple. She managed to sneak a few words to him, mostly about how she’d like to break the Admiral’s nose, and that he made her want to throw up.

They all entered into another, similarly decorated room, containing a long table, with around ten chairs along either side, and a large chair at one end, where three meals had been placed by the Admiral’s stewards. Most striking about this room was the large portrait of the Admiral above the main chair, with him in younger days, and a vast fleet arrayed in the stars behind him, the very personification of an Imperial Admiral.

The dinner itself was spectacular – the finest an Admiral could get, but not really to Vynn’s liking. He’d spent years living off of combat rations and what little food he could get, so eating fancy food in such quantities was lost on him. The Admiral however, seemed to love his food, and when he wasn’t staring at either Thia’s face, or her dress, he was shovelling large amounts of food into his mouth, savouring every mouthful.

Three courses and several drinks later, they were interrupted by a short, balding man who hurried into the dinner hall, and strode towards the Admiral. He leant towards him, and after a brief exchange of words, the Admiral turned to Vynn, a stern look on his face.

“What do you know about the Sergeant who came aboard with you? What’s his name, Ghillan?” The Admiral asked, a quizzical expression on his face. Vynn was unsure what to make of the question. Stick with the plan, he thought as he tried to come up with an answer. Their forged personnel files had only one thing in common – they had both come from the same outpost. Other than that, there was nothing in common.

He’d been quiet for too long. They’d get suspicious if he didn’t answer now. “Not much, Sir. He’s a good soldier, or so I’ve been told.” The Admiral looked at the other man, who exchanged glances, before he continued. “He’s been arrested on suspicion of espionage. He’s a Republic Spy.”

Vynn and Thia both glanced at each other, if only for a second. The look on both of their faces was one of concern, and horror that they’d been discovered.







Last edited by Astor; 09-30-2008 at 12:00 PM.
Astor is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 09-29-2008, 05:40 PM   #19
Endorenna
Gamer Wanna-be
 
Endorenna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,140
Current Game: inFamous/Uncharted 2
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!! Poor Thia!!!!!!! I hope she gets to shoot the Admiral herself!

The Republic soldier got caught? Aww...it's always the grunts that bite it. Oh, well, it's better than having the main character take the bullet, I guess.

Oh, what am I saying!? THEY'RE ABOUT TO GET CAUGHT!!!!! I want the next installment!

I know...



Chapter 12 of A Soul Adrift is out.

Short stories:
T'katlu: On the planet Felucia, a young apprentice of the Dark Side thinks back to the beginning of her training as she lies in wait for her prey...

All the Time: After four years in the Unknown Regions, the Exile returns to the known galaxy to visit an old enemy.

Broken: A master of the Dark Side finds himself about to lose the one thing he cares about--and he will do anything to stop her from endangering herself.
Endorenna is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 09-29-2008, 08:08 PM   #20
JediAthos
Senior Member
 
JediAthos's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,438
Current Game: Defiance
Forum Veteran Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
I wasn't familiar with your character before I began reading this, but I do say I'm enjoying the story. It does suck that the sergeant got caught, but may Vynn will be able to get him out of it somehow


"You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view."

JediAthos is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 09-30-2008, 11:48 AM   #21
Bee Hoon
ngom ngom ngom
 
Bee Hoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Sydney
Posts: 1,268
Forum Veteran Veteran Fan Fic Author LFN Staff Member Helpful! 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Astor_Kaine
they’d settled on whether a holo-actress had had the cosmetic surgery she’d vigorously denied in this morning’s showbiz news broadcast.
I'm of two minds about this. On one hand, it's a cute touch, and on the other, I'm not sure that such a strict army would allow such trivialities:/

Quote:
Originally Posted by Astor_Kaine
...they were replaced by a lush, red carpet, and ornately carved wooden wall coverings.
"Lush red carpet" is fine. Perhaps try using "ornate carved wooden panels lining the walls"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Astor_Kaine
He said, as he gestured for them to take seats on the sofa, as he returned to his chair.
No need for a comma between 'sofa' and 'as'

Quote:
Originally Posted by Astor_Kaine
As Thia sat, she crossed her legs, and her dress rode up slightly, to her knees, revealing her calves.
Ditto for between 'slightly' and 'to'. They even ogle calves, lol!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Astor_Kaine
She looked like she was chewing sheet metal.
Amusing description, but brings up an issue that I'll mention later.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Astor_Kaine
She managed to sneak a few words to him, mostly about how she’d like to break the Admiral’s nose, and that he made her want to throw up.
This is really an unnecessary risk! I'd expect Thia to be far more professional, especially since this is such a vital mission. She might loathe the man, but she has to smile prettily and put up with him, otherwise she's risking all of them.

Besides that, are there regulations against fraternizing or whatever they call it? Or maybe the Imperials just want them to have MOAR Imperial spawn;p

Quote:
Originally Posted by Astor_Kaine
...eating all these fancy foods in these quantities was lost on him.
'Food' should be sufficient, if I'm not mistaken. Try using 'such' instead of the second 'these'; it's better not to use the same word twice in the same sentence if you can avoid it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Astor_Kaine
The look on both of their faces was one of concern, and horror that they’d been discovered.
They must have been quaking inside, but they have to hide their feelings, now more than ever:O

*bites nails* Why do I get the feeling that the slimy admiral is going to get his hands on Thia? >.>



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
Bee Hoon is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 09-30-2008, 12:06 PM   #22
Astor
It's Thornhill!
 
Astor's Avatar
 
Status: Super Moderator
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Warwickshire, UK
Posts: 3,631
Current Game: The Old Republic
LFN Staff Member Forum Veteran Helpful! 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon View Post
I'm of two minds about this. On one hand, it's a cute touch, and on the other, I'm not sure that such a strict army would allow such trivialities:/
It's true they probably wouldn't, but small talk usually comes down to prattle such as celebrities, or weather, and there's not much weather in space...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee
This is really an unnecessary risk! I'd expect Thia to be far more professional, especially since this is such a vital mission. She might loathe the man, but she has to smile prettily and put up with him, otherwise she's risking all of them.

Besides that, are there regulations against fraternizing or whatever they call it? Or maybe the Imperials just want them to have MOAR Imperial spawn;p
You're probably right, but I wanted to try and include a bit of emotion from Thia, as not much interaction happens in this chapter. I should have maybe included something along the lines of it looking like 'sweet nothings', and I might add that later on.

I don't think there'd be regulations regarding fraternisation on what is strictly more of a social occasion rather than a formal function.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee
They must have been quaking inside, but they have to hide their feelings, now more than ever:O

*bites nails* Why do I get the feeling that the slimy admiral is going to get his hands on Thia? >.>
It's definately going to get more tense from this point on, not only due to Gerlon's capture, but also because they still need to actually carry out their objective!

And I don't think the Admiral's that slimy... or is he?






Astor is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 09-30-2008, 02:32 PM   #23
JediAthos
Senior Member
 
JediAthos's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,438
Current Game: Defiance
Forum Veteran Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
"I don't think there'd be regulations regarding fraternisation on what is strictly more of a social occasion rather than a formal function"

To be honest, the Navy, and the US Military in general is pretty strict on the whole fraternization thing. We used to have to sit through training every year on what we could and couldn't do, and there were rules for fricken everything.

I don't know how strict the Remnant would be at this point given the lack of infrastructure.


"You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view."

JediAthos is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 09-30-2008, 03:41 PM   #24
JediMaster12
Dum Spiramus Tuebimur
 
JediMaster12's Avatar
 
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Buried in books...literally
Posts: 5,933
Current Game: Assassin's Creed
LFN Staff Member Veteran Fan Fic Author Contest winner - Fan Fiction Forum Veteran 
You know I have to agree with Bee on the fraternization and Thia's reaction. Since the Admiral's touch was unwanted but he did it, it would really tense up the situation if you had her give a tolerated smile but when his back was turned she would give an icy look or something like that. Since they are undercover, they would have to hide their feelings more and not give away anything.

To be honest the ooking at each other nervously I often find an easy giveaway of the guilty party and usually is. The Admiral would have to be a complete moron not to notice that something may be up given the way you described how they looked at each other.

You have a good thing going here and are very descriptive but I think when you have a difficult situation like the tense moments, you write and then later go back and look at it again. Also use a beta, they may catch something you missed and provide a fresh look at it. Other than that you are good to go.

JediMaster12 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 09-30-2008, 04:37 PM   #25
Darth_Yuthura
Banned
 
Status: Banned
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Vienna
Posts: 1,585
Current Game: KOTOR III
I hate it when you use cliffhangers to end off your installments. That then leaves me unable to just be satisfied unless you finish it off with another chapter.

Than after that chapter... Of course, I do the same thing, so I can't exactly complain now can I? Hope that the next installment is a continuation and not a conclusion.
Darth_Yuthura is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 07-17-2009, 04:02 PM   #26
Astor
It's Thornhill!
 
Astor's Avatar
 
Status: Super Moderator
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Warwickshire, UK
Posts: 3,631
Current Game: The Old Republic
LFN Staff Member Forum Veteran Helpful! 
Okay, so i've neglected Vynn and Thia for far too long (what is it, only 10 months since an update?).

I've actually enjoyed getting back into this story - it's been a while since i've written (especially on this), so I apologise for any rookie mistakes that might appear.

Part 8

“Is everything alright, Captain?” The Admiral rose from his chair. Vynn’s face had gone blank. Thia’s high heel digging into his shin bought him out of his stupor, to answer the Admiral’s question.

“Just fine, Sir” He still couldn’t figure it out – watertight.That was the word Intel had used to described their personnel files, yet somehow Gerlon had been discovered.

“There’s more, Admiral” continued the man who had broken the shattering news. “After this… discovery, I spoke with several officers here who served at the same outpost – They have no recollection of a Sergeant Ghillan, or of a Captain Kevan Graff” The man exchanged glances with the Admiral, before calling in a squad of troopers from the next room.

“Arrest Captain Graff and take him to the detention block. Have an interrogation droid prepared” Vynn was quickly manhandled by two stormtroopers on either side, with a third digging a blaster into his back. He struggled, but it was ultimately pointless. He’d failed, and would likely be executed as a spy. Thia stared at him, a look of pain on her face, as he was dragged away.

He tried to call out, but the butt of a blaster rifle sent him into darkness.

Thia watched in horror. She couldn’t fathom it. They must have been betrayed by someone. She’d figure it out later – there was no time to work it out now. For the time being, she needed to focus on not being discovered herself, and how to get off the base with Vynn. That was the problem – they were bound to execute him when they had gleaned as much as they could from him. That gave her about a day. But, before she could do any of that, she needed to get away from the Admiral.

“Excuse me, Sir, but I think I’d like to return to my quarters. I think I’ve had enough excitement for one night” She straightened her dress, and started to leave, as the Admiral grabbed her arm.

“Such a shame, my dear! I was hoping that we could get to know each other a little better, now that we’re… alone” There was an unsettling gleam in his eye, as he looked her up and down. She wrenched her arm away, and slapped him across the face. He jerked back, and returned the compliment, only with much more force. She fell back, onto the floor, snapping one of her heels.

“You insolent whore! No woman refuses me!” He started a slow, deliberate approach, unbuttoning his tunic as he did so. Thia was terrified. She was a spy, and used to danger, but this was something altogether different. She needed to defend herself. She grabbed the broken heel, gripping it like a small dagger, ready to strike.

“Come, my dear, let’s not play hard to get” The Admiral knelt on the floor, reaching for her legs. She backed away, but he drew closer, holding her legs so she couldn’t escape. She brought the heel downwards, towards his neck. It connected, piercing his neck. She dug it in further, and blood began to pour from the wound. Surprisingly, he didn’t scream, or make a noise. He fell to the floor, grasping at the wound, before losing consciousness.

Quickly, she ran to the door of his quarters, and locked it. It wouldn’t stop anyone for long, but it would give her time to effect an escape. She’d have to escape through the ventilation system – but that would also allow her to travel the base unseen – she could rescue Vynn and Gerlon, while the rest of the team accomplished the mission – assuming they weren’t found out, too.

She grabbed the Admiral’s blaster pistol and code cylinders, and ascended into the gloom of the ventilation shafts...

It took Vynn a while before he remembered what had happened, until he regained the feeling in his face. It hurt. As he winced at the pain, he recalled what had happened. Thia… he hoped she was alright, or at least alive, even if she was with the admiral – her cover hadn’t been blown. He just hoped she was alright.

She’d been crawling through the ventilation system for over an hour now. She had to face it – she was lost. The ventilation system was far more complex than she’d imagined. She thought she’d found the holding cells a while back, but she almost dropped right into a biohazard containment chamber. She needed to get to an auxiliary command console – she could turn off power to the detention center from there, and cause as much trouble as possible – she had the Admiral’s code cylinders, after all – and that gave her a free ticket to cause havoc across the facility.

“...was your objective, rebel?” Vynn was drifting in and out of consciousness – they’d pumped him full of drugs in an attempt to get answers – it wouldn’t work. Vynn had built an immunity to the drugs after spending two years on Kessel – they’d need far more than what they’d used to get answers. He smiled as he looked at the interrogator.

“You’ll get nothing from me, you…” Another officer burst in and dragged the interrogator to one side. Something was going on. He was too far away to hear anything, other than ‘admiral’ and ‘escaped’. By the look on their faces, it wasn’t good. The interrogator turned to one of the guards.

“Sergeant – take the prisoner back to his cell, and post a double guard in the detention area. We have reason to believe one of his associates is loose, and may try to free him” He quickly scurried out, following the other officer. The guard lifted Vynn out of his chair, before pushing him out the door.

Only two guards, and a pair of binders. He’d faced worse odds. It was too dangerous to try immediately – they’d be expecting that. He’d wait till they were closer to the detention area.

“Damnit!” that was the third time Thia had cut her foot on something. She could hear something up ahead – it sounded like a computer terminal. Finally, a bit of luck. She reached the grate in the wall, and peeked through. It wasn’t a computer terminal – it was better – the droid pens. If she could find Whiner, he could tap into the central computer from anywhere on the station.

She looked around some more – apart from the droids, the room was empty. She’d need to kick the grate out in order to get in, but with no-one around, she didn’t have to worry about attracting attention. She winced as her already torn feet connected with the grate, forcing it from the wall, and out into the room with a crash. She dropped down from the shaft, and grimaced as she stood upright.

“Whiner? Are you here?” she whispered, looking through the ranks of R2 units. She heard a hiss as he disconnected from his charging unit, and tootled as he rolled up towards her. “Vynn’s been captured – but we can still complete the mission. Here, use these codes…” she plugged the Admiral’s code cylinders into an access port on Whiner’s side “…to activate the self destruct sequence – set it to detonate in an hour – that’ll give us plenty of time to get the others and get out here. And once you’ve done that, turn off the power in the detention block”

Obediently, Whiner trundled towards a computer outlet, and accessed the computer. It took twenty minutes before he tootled with excitement, and the base’s PA system began broadcasting it’s stern warning.

“Warning. Destruct sequence initiated. This facility will be terminated in 60 minutes. This is not a drill. All personnel are advised to evacuate immediately”

Vynn just stood there, in the middle of corridor, in disbelief at what he was hearing. So too, were his guards. It was a perfect opportunity. He lifted his arms above the one in front of him, and lowered them around his neck, wrenching his binders across his throat, and swinging him around to take a blaster bolt from his friend’s weapon. He pulled his arms clear from the now dead guard, and charged his remaining opponent, bringing his binders down fast onto his skull, knocking him down. He took a blaster pistol and started in the direction of the detention area.

I’m not leaving anyone behind, even if I have to die doing it.






Astor is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Go Back   LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > Vynn Drax: Down Time

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 02:26 AM.

LFNetwork, LLC ©2002-2011 - All rights reserved.
Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.