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Old 07-22-2008, 07:29 AM   #1
Istorian
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KotOR III: The End of the Saga


Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic III: The End of the Saga

4 years have passed since the death of Darth Traya on Malachor V. The Republic is steadily rebuilding itself, but the Sith threat is not gone. The figure of the secret apprentice of Darth Traya, who has now reclaimed the mantle of the Dark Lord of the Sith, watches the Jedi closely. He seeks what Traya wanted, with one word, revenge.

Revan and the Exile are long gone in the Unknown Regions, as the Jedi Order, under the leadership of the Jedi Grand Master Atton Rand, begins a search for the lethal duo that changed the face of the galaxy for ever.

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Old 07-22-2008, 08:12 AM   #2
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Chapter 1: The Search Begins

{Coruscant, Rebuilt Jedi Temple, Evening}

Atton had finished his daily training schedule and was on his way to his chamber. "I have to finish training my apprentice by tomorrow. I will ask for an immediate session of the Jedi Council, so that he can take the trials. Ray is a good apprentice, and I believe he will evolve into an excellent Jedi." He reached his chamber, and he fell asleep within five minutes. However, Atton was not aware of the threat that would throw him off-schedule.

{Manaan, Sunset}

The Sith Lord was ready to leave the planet. He had positioned many Sith assassins, in case something doesn't go as planned. "Will we be safe, my lord?", asked Verun, the admiral of the Sith Lord's flagship. "As long as you are with me, you are safe Verun.", replied the Dark Lord. He left Manaan, heading towards the Core Worlds.


Last edited by Istorian; 07-22-2008 at 11:48 AM.
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Old 07-22-2008, 10:10 AM   #3
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Hey there, welcome to the CEC!

First off, I'll state the obvious It is very short; I have received and given reviews longer than either of the current installments. Having seen so little of the story, I can't really comment on it in depth, other than to toss you a few questions. How did Darth Traya train a secret apprentice? Wasn't she busy training the Exile/or wandering around in her own exile? Why would she train another?

Why Atton of all people as the Grand Master? I love him and all, but really He's just not the type. In addition to that, I believe you need a fleet at your disposal in order to be correctly called Admiral. It's also quite out of character for a Sith Lord to be reassuring; he's more likely to choke him for his lack of faith in his leader.

Keep writing!



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 07-22-2008, 11:02 AM   #4
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A Little Explanation

Well, thanks for the welcoming!

Now, to answer your questions:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon View Post
It is very short; I have received and given reviews longer than either of the current installments.
I know it's short, it's my first Fic, I will try to improve it chapter after chapter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon View Post
How did Darth Traya train a secret apprentice? Wasn't she busy training the Exile/or wandering around in her own exile? Why would she train another?
This will be explained later in the chapters.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon View Post
Why Atton of all people as the Grand Master? I love him and all, but really He's just not the type.
After the Exile left for the Unknown Regions, he left Atton as the Jedi Grand Master.

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Originally Posted by Bee Hoon View Post
In addition to that, I believe you need a fleet at your disposal in order to be correctly called Admiral.
Well, there's a fleet....to be explained more in the next chapters!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon View Post
It's also quite out of character for a Sith Lord to be reassuring; he's more likely to choke him for his lack of faith in his leader.
If I reveal this, I reveal the end of the story!!!!

Thanks again!

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Old 07-22-2008, 11:47 AM   #5
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Chapter 2: The Turn of the Tide

{Coruscant, Jedi Temple, Sunrise}

Someone was running in the corridors of the Jedi Temple. He was, obviously, in a hurry. He reached a door, took a deep breath and knocked. "Come in", said a voice from inside the room. "Master, we have found him.", said the person standing in the door. "Are you certain it is him?", Atton asked. "Yes, Master. He left Manaan yesterday.", he answered. "Then that is the time. I will leave at once. Inform Ray Prine to come to the docking bay. There is a possibility that I will not return to the Jedi Temple. In that case, Master Mical will take my position. Thank you, and may the Force be with you." The person standing in the door stepped by to let Atton leave. "Goodbye, Master. May the Force be with you."

{Coruscant, Docking Bay, Morning}

"Master, why the hurry?", Ray asked the Grand Master. "Ray, we have finally found Darth Thane. Take your ship and go to him. I will leave for the Unknown Regions, to find Revan and Nial.", replied Atton. "Who's Nial?" "Nial is the Exile. Nial Dulius is his name. We need them, if we are to destroy Darth Thane. When I signal you, we will have the meeting. You should be there.", answered Atton. "Don't worry, Master. I will do as you wish. And...I will attend the meeting, I promise. Goodbye, and may the Force be with you.", said Ray. "Goodbye, kid. May the Force be with you."

Atton boarded the Sojourn. "Admiral Onasi, good luck to us.", he said. "I have a feeling that we will find them soon, Master Atton.", replied Carth. "Let's hope you're right." Sojourn left for the Unknown Regions, and nobody knew if the ship and its crew would be seen again.

{Space above Corellia, Noon}

An alarm sounded in Darth Thane's flagship. There was panic among the Sith troops. The Admiral was impressed that someone broke into the Obliderator, the Sith armada's flagship. He overcame his astonishment quickly, and he commanded the soldiers. "All troops, find the intruder." Instantly, hundreds of Sith soldiers moved and got ready to find the person who dares to humiliate them by broking into the Obliderator.

Ray parked his ship into the rear docking bay and got out, just to be seen by a Sith soldier. Ray jumped in the air, coming close to him, while activating his blue lightsaber. As his feet touched the cold surface of the ship, he sliced the soldier in half, and quickly hid behind a pylon. Up in the first deck, Admiral Verun Suvan saw from the cameras the dead soldier. He immediately informed Darth Thane, who recognized the deadly blow to be from a lightsaber. "We are looking for a Jedi scum, again.", said the Dark Lord.

Ray tried to get past unnoticed from the troops, as he left the pylon and took a path that leads to the elevator. While trying to open the elevator door, a group of six Sith troops located him, and opened fire at him. His hand reached his lightsaber, he activated it, and sent back the blaster shots that were fired to kill him. He killed four of the troops, but as the soldiers were about to communicate with other troops for reinforcements, the elevator door opened, and Ray was gone from their eyes.

When he reached deck three, he got out of the elevator, and he headed for the ship's mainframe. He found the HAL mainframe, and nobody noticed him, except for the cameras. "Troops, the intruder is in deck three, in sector 372. He is an armed Jedi, and he is dangerous. To be killed on sight.", sounded the voice of Admiral Suvan from the loudspeaker. Ray's heart was beating rapidly, as he was downloading some essential data. When the download completed, he ran quickly to the docking bay. Darth Thane was there, searching for Ray's starfighter. Atton's apprentice jumped behind Darth Thane, surprising everyone. "Surrender, and your life will be spared.", he said to the Dark Lord while activating his blue lightsaber. He was pointing it in his back. "Ray. Ray Prine. You really think you can beat me here, in my ship?", said Darth Thane, while turning face-to-face with the young Padawan. "Back off troops, I will deal with this stupid Padawan myself.", he said while activating his purple lightsaber. "Your move.", said Ray.

Darth Thane run forward with his lightsaber, trying to find an opening in Ray's defense. Ray utilized Ataru, thus it was easy to leave openings. The Dark Lord made the first strike, only to be blocked by Ray's excellent defense. Ray had a talent in defense, so his standard form was Soresu. However, because he lacked in offense, Atton tried to teach him Ataru and Shien, the most offensive forms of lightsaber combat. Ray went in the offensive when he tried to slice Darth Thane's arm, but the tricky Dark Lord of the Sith didn't let this happen. Strike after strike, parry after parry, the two combatants reached deck four, and all the Sith troops followed them, in case their leader ordered them to do something.

It was obvious that Darth Thane had the upper hand in this duel, and Ray was mostly in the defensive, but when Ray started to get tired, his tactical intelligence payed off. They reached vent tube A0-231, the vent tube that led directly to the docking bay, right next to Ray's starfighter. Ray knew all these because of the blueprints of the Obliderator, that were stolen, and were in the Jedi Council's possession. Atton had warned his apprentice. "Ray, when you reach that vent tube, abandon the fight, enter the vent tube and leave the Dark Lord's flagship. There is no point in staying there any longer. We don't want to lose you, and you have a task to complete." Ray remembered all these words of his Master, and said to his opponent. "You are a fool, Darth Thane. Even a mere Jedi apprentice like me is smarter than you!" He sliced the door of the tube and jumped in. As he was going down to the docking bay, he could hear the Dark Lord ordering his troops to catch him. He reached his ship and climbed in. Fortunately, the troops couldn't catch up to him, and he punched in the coordinates for Coruscant. He had escaped and he took what he wanted. It was now only a matter of luck.


Last edited by Istorian; 07-23-2008 at 08:13 AM.
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Old 07-23-2008, 02:07 AM   #6
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Thanks for taking the time to explain Hehe, foreshadowing always drives me nuts because I like to *know* things, but it's an effective plot device.

Anyway.

If you say that Revan and the Exile are needed to defeat Darth Thane, isn't sending Ray (who is still a Padawan) against him rather foolhardy? Try to add a little more feeling to it; Atton and Carth seem rather indifferent to the fact that they might die out there.

Try not to take the approach of "Ray went from point A to point B via Road C." What I find interesting is the descriptions. How did he sneak past the Sith assassins? Was he in danger of getting caught? How did he escape the squads of soldiers investigating his point of entry?

The fight...is short. For a good example of a fight, have a look at this fic. The fight is very detailed and you can easily visualize the action. I won't comment on the lightsaber form, since I can't remember anything about them, but it seems improbable that a mere apprentice could defeat a Sith Lord so easily.



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief

Last edited by Bee Hoon; 07-23-2008 at 07:14 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 07-23-2008, 03:29 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BeeHoon
If you say that Revan and the Exile are needed to defeat Darth Thane, isn't sending Ray (who is still a Padawan) against him rather foolhardy? Try to add a little more feeling to it; Atton and Carth seem rather indifferent to the fact that they might die out there.
All these questions will be explained in the chapter which contains the meeting Atton and Ray talk about!!

However, you're right about the battle...I will try and fix some things in this chapter!!! Thanks!!


Last edited by Istorian; 07-23-2008 at 05:39 AM.
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Old 07-23-2008, 07:35 AM   #8
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Hehe, nice to know that my feedback is being utilized! It has improved dramatically, but there's still lots of places where you could expand. As our resident critic machiavelli always says, polish it, and then polish it some more! the ship's name is fitting, but I believe that it is spelled "Obliterator" (if such a word even exists? I know that the root word is obliterate) rather than Obliderator.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Istorian
]Ray utilized Ataru, thus it was easy to leave openings. The Dark Lord made the first strike, only to be blocked by Ray's excellent defense.
I'm a little confused here. A defensive form should *not* leave openings for the enemy to exploit.

How did he find the mainframe so easily? I presume that's where the central control centre would, and it should be swarming with Sith. Either that or he'll have to hack it from a terminal somewhere, if that's possible.

I'm guessing that Ray's ship would stick out like a sore thumb, and would not require much searching. In any case, it's not a very good decision on his part to engage in combat with Darth Thane (btw, would you mind explaining why you chose the name? I'm just curious ). If you wish to include the duel, perhaps you could put Darth Thane squarely between Ray and his ship. Even so, why doesn't he just use the vent and set off a grenade or something as a diversion?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Istorian
γοινg
Whoa, Greek letters!:O

The idea that Kreia had a secret apprentice is certainly unique and has a great deal of potential, but is pretty tough to pull off. I wish you luck in writing that!



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 07-23-2008, 08:33 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
Quote:
Originally Posted by Istorian
Ray utilized Ataru, thus it was easy to leave openings. The Dark Lord made the first strike, only to be blocked by Ray's excellent defense.
I'm a little confused here. A defensive form should *not* leave openings for the enemy to exploit.
This is explained if you read the next:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Istorian
Ray had a talent in defense, so his standard form was Soresu. However, because he lacked in offense, Atton tried to teach him Ataru and Shien, the most offensive forms of lightsaber combat.
Which means that Ray was talented in defense, so his normal form was Soresu. However, due to the fact that he was clumsy in the offense, Atton taught him Ataru [Offensive Form]. During the duel between him and Darth Thane, he uses Ataru to practice it a bit. However, even when using an offensive form, he can still parry pretty well because well....He's talented!!
That's why he blocked Thane's attack perfectly, while using an offensive form, such as Ataru.

For Forms: Soresu, Ataru, Shien, Juyo

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
How did he find the mainframe so easily? I presume that's where the central control centre would, and it should be swarming with Sith. Either that or he'll have to hack it from a terminal somewhere, if that's possible.
Let's just say...he's lucky!! But, even though there were no Sith at that moment there, the cameras got him!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
I'm guessing that Ray's ship would stick out like a sore thumb, and would not require much searching.
Well, that's why I said he parked it into the rear docking bay...The Sith would first search in the front docking bay, and after that they would go in the rear!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
In any case, it's not a very good decision on his part to engage in combat with Darth Thane (btw, would you mind explaining why you chose the name? I'm just curious ). If you wish to include the duel, perhaps you could put Darth Thane squarely between Ray and his ship. Even so, why doesn't he just use the vent and set off a grenade or something as a diversion?
Well, the reason why Ray engaged combat with Darth Thane (I was just sitting and thinking of what should he be named, when Thane came through my mind! I liked it, and voila! one Sith Lord named Darth Thane!!) will be explained in the meeting...To be honest, almost everything will be explained in the meeting!!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
Quote:
Originally Posted by Istorian
γοινg
Whoa, Greek letters!:O
Well....sorry for that...I meant "going"!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
The idea that Kreia had a secret apprentice is certainly unique and has a great deal of potential, but is pretty tough to pull off.
This (What a surprise!!!!) will be explained in the meeting!!

I think that after these answers, you're surely looking forward to the Chapter with the meeting, aren't you??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
I wish you luck in writing that!
Thanks, again!!

I will now start writing Chapter 3!

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Old 07-23-2008, 09:30 AM   #10
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Chapter 3: More Allies

{Sojourn, Afternoon}

"It is a little weird for me to sit in the co-pilot's seat. But, we both know that you're a better pilot than me. I suppose that, after joining the Jedi Order, I've left piloting a bit behind me.", said Atton. "No, I'm not better than you, Atton, I just know where she is, that's why I pilot this thing.", replied Carth. "Now that you mention her, where is she? I haven't seen her for some time." Atton had not seen her for quite a long time. In fact, he had not seen her for three years. Carth kept contact with her, because he knew her mission. Carth also knew that she is an essential part in their plan, almost as essential as Revan and Nial. "She is on Hoth. She is spying for us, just as Revan told her to do, she is close to the Unknown Regions, and that's what she wants, and she was waiting for the signal. We will take her with us, along with the others, find Revan and Nial, and return for the meeting. That's the plan.", Carth answered. "That's the plan", said Atton.

{Space above Hoth, Sojourn, Evening}

"Here we are, Hoth. Let's get ready for the landing.", said Carth. "Just let the expert handle it.", Atton said, while taking the seat of the pilot. "This will be a bit bumpy!", he stated. Atton is an excellent pilot, and he proved it once more at that landing. He landed the Sojourn near the base of the Republic on Hoth. The two men left the Sojourn and said goodbye to the Republic officers, the crew of the ship. "Goodbye, Admiral Onasi. Good luck in your quest.", said the Sojourn's Lieutenant. "Goodbye, officers. You've been an excellent crew.", replied Carth.

They reached the base of the Republic, and got inside. Everyone greeted them. They were, of course, well-known personalities in the galaxy. "Excuse me, where are the chief's chambers?", Carth asked a woman. "This way.", replied the woman, and she led them in a corridor. "This is her room.", said the woman, pointing at a closed door. "Thank you.", answered Atton. Carth knocked the door. "The door's open. Come in." Her voice sounded strict but friendly at the same time. "Hello, Bastila. Long time no see!", said Atton. "Carth, Atton. What a surprise! Atton, congratulations on becoming the Jedi Grand Master!", said Bastila, changing her tone into a very friendly one. "Thank you, Bastila.", replied Atton. "So, should I suppose you've found him?", said Bastila. "Yes, we've found him. Atton has sent Ray behind him, as planned. Is the Ebon Hawk ready for departure?", said Carth. "Yes, but we must leave tomorrow. We will have another visitor tonight. Your chambers are next to mine, whatever you wish, don't hesitate to come to me.", replied Bastila. "Alright, then. We will see you later.", said Atton. The two men left Bastila's room, and they walked in their chambers.

{Hoth, Base of the Republic, Night}

A ship landed near the base of the Republic on Hoth. It was a Republic ship. Bastila, accompanied by Carth and Atton, went out of the Republic base to meet the ship's passengers. To Atton's and Carth's surprise, the two visitors were..."Visas, what are you doing here?", said Atton. "Bastila signaled me to come. She said that now is the time. I found Bao-Dur on Corellia, while coming here, and here we are.", replied Visas. "So, now we are complete. Tomorrow, we're leaving to find them.", said Bastila. Bao-Dur commented. "Yes, Revan and the General. Together, they can do anything."

{Corellia, Spaceport, Night}

Darth Thane activated his purple lightsaber. A bearded young man was staring at him. He was wearing black garments and he had an activated red lightsaber. Suddenly, the young man jumped in the air, and landed next to Darth Thane. The two started fighting. The fade light from Gus Talon, Corellia's moon, fell down on the young man, making him seem like a soldier of the light. Darth Thane was only parrying all of the young man's attacks. The young man was striking with fast, swift slices, but he couldn't hit Darth Thane. All at once, Darth Thane grabbed the young man with the Force, he lifted him in the air, and threw him away. The young man hit at a parked starfighter, and fell down. "As you can see, Quan, you are still very weak. I recently fought Ray Prine, and he almost beat me. We both know you're no match for him.", said Darth Thane.

Suddenly, the young man named Quan jumped in the air, and tried to slice Darth Thane. For a moment, a bright light filled the atmosphere. After that, both Darth Thane and Quan were lying down on the cold metal surface of Corellia's spaceport. Darth Thane was the first to stand up, and he said to Quan. "Good, my apprentice. Anger fuels you. You have hate. And you use it well. If I didn't use Force lightning at you, I would be dead by now. Even though I tried to protect myself with Force lightning, you still managed to slice me a bit." Darth Thane looked at a small but deep cut he had in his belly. Red blood mixed with the black color of his Sith robes. Quan stood up. "I feel that you've proven to me you're hard enough to survive. Travel to Coruscant. Kill Ray Prine and Atton Rand. And when you finish, you will be equal to me. A Dark Lord of the Sith.", said Darth Thane. "As you wish, master.", Quan replied. Quan boarded a Sith starfighter, and left Corellia.


Last edited by Istorian; 08-12-2008 at 08:29 AM. Reason: For my friend, Bee Hoon:xp:
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Old 07-24-2008, 11:08 PM   #11
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Hey there, sorry, I keep getting distracted

Anyway, in the first paragraph, Atton is really acting quite out of character:P The Atton that we see in the game would never give up the controls to Carth even if Carth was the better pilot--perhaps especially if Carth was the better pilot. Perhaps you could argue that Atton has matured a lot during the three(?) years since the end of TSL, but since as a reader, I did not witness the process, it feels rather jarring to me. And who is this she? Ah, it was answered. Never mind.

On Hoth, I would suggest describing the landing rather than stating point blank that Atton is an excellent pilot. The phrase "Republic base" would be better used instead of "base of the Republic", as the latter makes me imagine the Republic as a pyramid and that Hoth is right at the bottom >.<

Quote:
Originally Posted by Istorian
Her room is this.
Very Yoda, but I think I'd prefer it as plain old "This is her room"

Bastila seems somewhat out of character as well; I an never imagine her as the friendly type. Ridiculously stubborn, yes. Egoistic, yes. A little fearful and overcompensating by acting snobbish, yes. But not friendly:/ Btw, is Revan M/F and how is their relationship? I feel that should be addressed, for if they were lovers, she would surely ask about him.

Besides that, it's not likely that Visas could both find Bao-Dur on Corellia and travel to Hoth within hours:P

Quote:
Originally Posted by Istorian
Darth Thane activated his purple lightsaber. A bearded young man was staring at him. He was wearing black garments and he had an activated red lightsaber. Suddenly, the young man jumped in the air, and landed next to Darth Thane. The two started fighting. The fade light from Gus Talon, Corellia's moon, fell down on the young man, making him seem like a soldier of the light.
Try to smoothen out the language in general, but especially in this part of the chapter. (e.g. "the fading light of Corellia's moon bathed the young man in a silvery glow, making him seem like a soldier of the light". Since he is a Sith, you can also try reflecting on the irony of it). Is it a coincidence that they are on Corellia when Bao-Dur was just there recently?

The fight scene has improved, but try to use a wider variety of words to describe the fight (as I have said, read the fic I linked, and browse the CEC. I believe that Jae has some good fights in her Adventures of Jolee Bindo fic as well). The depiction of Darth Thane's use of Force Lightning is also rather unclear--if you had not stated it, I would not have noticed it. Try to describe it more, for example, the crackling thunder as Quan's flesh was seared by Thane's power, the sharp smell of ozone mingled with the sickening smell of burnt flesh.

And Quan believes that Darth Thane would allow a Sith Lord of equal power to exist? :/



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 07-24-2008, 11:44 PM   #12
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My advice... try to extend each component of the story to a few pages(in a word processor). I find it is better to have a fairly gradual transition and not to compress each location into as few words as possible.

Details are important. Take a few lines to stop and describe the location or the thoughts of the individuals. It's difficult to immerse oneself into the story if each piece only lasts a few paragraphs at the most.
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Old 07-25-2008, 01:23 AM   #13
Bee Hoon
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Ah, here is the picture that I thought of immediately when you mentioned Atton and Carth in the cockpit together (Picture made by Shem)



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 07-25-2008, 04:22 AM   #14
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@Yuthura Well, as this is only my first fic, I'm just learning right now. However, I'll try to do that!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
Hey there, sorry, I keep getting distracted
No problem, just keep reviewing me, you're great!



Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
Anyway, in the first paragraph, Atton is really acting quite out of character:P The Atton that we see in the game would never give up the controls to Carth even if Carth was the better pilot--perhaps especially if Carth was the better pilot. Perhaps you could argue that Atton has matured a lot during the three(?) years since the end of TSL, but since as a reader, I did not witness the process, it feels rather jarring to me. And who is this she? Ah, it was answered. Never mind.
Well, if I explained all these years, I'd start a fic that would end in 2020 (hopefully) Anyway, the fact that Atton has matured during these years will be seen in the meeting.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
On Hoth, I would suggest describing the landing rather than stating point blank that Atton is an excellent pilot. The phrase "Republic base" would be better used instead of "base of the Republic", as the latter makes me imagine the Republic as a pyramid and that Hoth is right at the bottom >.<
Well, I tried, but cannot describe the landing better...However, the Republic thing, changed!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
Very Yoda, but I think I'd prefer it as plain old "This is her room"
How did I missed that? Changed!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
Bastila seems somewhat out of character as well; I an never imagine her as the friendly type. Ridiculously stubborn, yes. Egoistic, yes. A little fearful and overcompensating by acting snobbish, yes. But not friendly:/ Btw, is Revan M/F and how is their relationship? I feel that should be addressed, for if they were lovers, she would surely ask about him.
Well, for this fic, I need a friendly Bastila. Sorry
And, both Revan and the Exile are male, but Bastila didn't ask about Revan due to the fact that she sees him every once in a while, and she knows that Carth hasn't seen him since he left for the Unknown Regions. Read this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carth, referring to Bastila
she is close to the Unknown Regions, and that's what she wants
She wants to be close, so that she can contact Revan once in a while


Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
Besides that, it's not likely that Visas could both find Bao-Dur on Corellia and travel to Hoth within hours:P
Well, I needed them both on Hoth at night, so...hyperspace, dude

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
Try to smoothen out the language in general, but especially in this part of the chapter. (e.g. "the fading light of Corellia's moon bathed the young man in a silvery glow, making him seem like a soldier of the light". Since he is a Sith, you can also try reflecting on the irony of it).
Ok, will do!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
Is it a coincidence that they are on Corellia when Bao-Dur was just there recently?
No coincidence...will be explained (not in the meeting, later)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
The fight scene has improved, but try to use a wider variety of words to describe the fight (as I have said, read the fic I linked, and browse the CEC. I believe that Jae has some good fights in her Adventures of Jolee Bindo fic as well). The depiction of Darth Thane's use of Force Lightning is also rather unclear--if you had not stated it, I would not have noticed it. Try to describe it more, for example, the crackling thunder as Quan's flesh was seared by Thane's power, the sharp smell of ozone mingled with the sickening smell of burnt flesh.
Well, before I finish the Fic, I'll polish it some more!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
And Quan believes that Darth Thane would allow a Sith Lord of equal power to exist? :/
Ahhh, stupid apprentices.....You are right to notice that!!

Btw, great pic!!!


Last edited by Istorian; 07-25-2008 at 04:26 AM.
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Old 07-26-2008, 06:20 AM   #15
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Chapter 4: The First Duel

{Hoth, Base of the Republic, Sunrise}

Visas couldn't sleep this night. She kept thinking that probably, in a few days, she will see him again. She, too, hadn't seen him for three years. "How will he react when he'll learn that Kreia's prophecy is true?". Visas, after Nial left to find Revan, returned to walk across the surface of Katarr. She then devoted herself in the Ossus section of the Jedi archives. She became an Ossus keeper, while waiting for the time to see Nial again.

Visas got up, dressed in her usual robes, and left her room. She walked to Bastila's room to wake her up. She knocked the door. "Just a second!", sounded a happy voice from inside the room. An overjoyed Bastila opened the door. She was dressed, she had packed everything, and was ready for departure. "Good morning!", she said to Visas. "Good morning.", Visas replied. "Let's go wake up the boys, too."

The two women reached Carth's and Atton's room. Bao-Dur decided he wouldn't sleep the previous night. He said he'd make some fixes to the Ebon Hawk, so it can be ready to travel today. Bastila knocked the room's door, but there was no response. They opened the door, but nobody was in the room. It was a completely empty room. "Ok, girls. Good thing you're awake at last. We're all set and ready to go. Bao-Dur made some changes to the Ebon Hawk, and we were only waiting for you to wake up. Let's say goodbye to the Republic officers and leave.", said Atton. Atton came from the corridor, not from his room. Bastila and Visas liked the idea that they can leave immediately.

They went across every room of the base of the Republic, to say goodbye to the officers. They reached the hangar, and saw an assassin droid with a blaster in his hands, pointing it at them. "Angry Statement: It has been very frustrating to wait for you two meatbags to wake up.", said HK-47. "Statement: However, my behavior core fills with happiness to see that I will travel with all of you meatbags in a quest to find the two masters.", he continued. "HK, we're very happy to see you again.", said Visas. "Now, all of you please board the Ebon Hawk, so that we can leave.", said Carth. Everyone went in the ship, and with Atton piloting, the Ebon Hawk left Hoth behind.

{Coruscant, Jedi Temple, Noon}

A Sith starfighter approached the Jedi Temple's hangar. "Request: Jedi Master Polan Navarro here. I request permission to land in the Temple's hangar bay. I have stolen a Sith starfighter, as the Sith destroyed mine.", said the starfighter's pilot. "What's your code?", asked the Temple's communicator. "J03-75", replied the pilot. "Permission granted." The Sith starfighter landed in the hangar bay, and Quan stepped out of it. He activated his red lightsaber, and started killing the Jedi in the bay. There were about ten Jedi Padawans in the Hangar Bay, and a Jedi Master who tried to block Quan's way to the inner Temple. He activated his green lightsaber, and attacked Quan. The Sith apprentice parried and made a powerful strike to crush the Jedi's arm. The Jedi Master blocked his attack with great difficulty, and such, he left an opening in his defense. Quan used the Force to lift the Jedi in the air, and send him flying out of the hangar bay. Quan killed every Jedi singlehandedly, until he entered the training room. There, he found Ray Prine.

"Your killing raid ends here", said Ray. "Ray, my old friend. Do you remember me? How are things going?", said Quan in an ironic tone. "Quan Shae, don't make me kill you.", replied Ray. "Why don't you just try?", said Quan. Ray jumped in the air, while activating his lightsaber, and as he landed down on the surface of the Temple's training room, he tried to slice Quan in his side. However, the Sith was ready, and he blocked Ray's attack. "I know all of your tricks, Ray. You can't beat me. But under my master's guidance, I've earned the true power, the power of the dark side.", said Quan. "You claim to be a Sith. But you can't even beat a Jedi Padawan, Quan.", answered Ray. Quan lifted Ray in the air and threw him away. Ray hit a door, and fell down. He quickly stood up, and he used the Force to immobilize and choke Quan. "Quan, you still have much to learn." He used the Force to call Quan's lightsaber, and with two lightsabers, Ray had the upper hand in the duel.

Ray stopped choking Quan who fell to the floor, exhausted and defenseless. "Quan, you were my best friend. I loved you. I could never imagine you like this. But the Quan I knew has gone. You are nothing more than a monster which feeds on the dark side of the Force. You and your Master, Darth Thane, are responsible for the turmoil of this era. I will put an end to this turmoil by killing its source. And I will start with you today.", said Ray, and with the two lightsabers in his hands, he stepped forward to deliver the deadly blow to Quan. "Not today, brother!", said Quan who suddenly found his power, jumped in the air and used the Force to call a lightsaber from the fallen Jedi Padawans. Ray wasn't used to fighting with two lightsabers, thus using Jar'kai, so he sliced Quan's saber in half and used his own to battle the Sith.

Quan ran forward and tried to slice Ray in half, who in turn jumped to avoid his strike. Ray was excellent with a lightsaber, and he proved it in this duel. He made a minute wound to Quan's arm, with the edge of his lightsaber. Quan couldn't hold his lightsaber any longer in that duel, and he left it and was at Ray's mercy. "Prepare to die, brother.", said Ray. "Well, if I'm going to die, you could tell me where Atton is. He is not in the temple, right? I didn't felt his presence here.", asked Quan, in an attempt to learn Master Atton's location. "Heh, he's after Nial and Revan, in the Unknown Regions. But you shouldn't worry about him, as you're in a more difficult position that him.", replied Ray. "Oh, I don't think so.", said Quan while getting on his feet and using the Force to jump near his starship. He barely managed to enter it and leave the Temple on Coruscant. "Troopers, shoot that starship down.", said Ray to some Republic soldiers managing the Temple's cannons. "I'm afraid we cannot, sir. It's too far for our missiles.", said the soldier. Quan has escaped certain death, but he didn't accomplish his objective.


Last edited by Istorian; 08-11-2008 at 07:31 AM.
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Old 07-26-2008, 12:50 PM   #16
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Okay, it's late and I'm tired, but where did the Ebon Hawk pop out from? @_@ I don't recall it being mentioned in the earlier chapters!

First of all, don't rush to post chapters. I know it's great fun to read feedback and all, but take your time to complete it and polish it until you're satisfied. The language is not as smooth as it was in earlier chapters, which is a sign of unnecessary haste, imho.

The part describing Visas' current position could be spiced up. Besides that, wasn't Ossus destroyed? And I think that the few remaining Jedi would focus more on rebuilding the order than anything else.

Is there any particular reason why Bastila was feeling so chirpy and happy? I suppose that they might lose sleep before a big mission, but I've always felt that the Jedi are practical people, which is to say that they would take the opportunity to rest if they had it.

Having heard HK-47's definition of love, I doubt that his definition of happiness would be travelling with these particular group of meatbags

Quan slaughtering every single Jedi is pretty improbable:/ Plus you'd think that they would sense his Dark Sided presence unless he made an attempt to hide it (and he doesn't seem subtle enough to try). Besides that, Quan's defeat of a Jedi Master in addition to an untold number of Jedi is very unlikely. Read machievelli's fics (oh, he does good fight scenes as well) for more explanation on why Jedi are such lethal warriors. While Quan is probably pretty darned dangerous as well, he definitely would be heavily outnumbered.

Try not to state the Force powers outright. It's in the game, yes, but that doesn't make it look any less out of lace in a fic.



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 08-03-2008, 12:21 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
Okay, it's late and I'm tired, but where did the Ebon Hawk pop out from? @_@ I don't recall it being mentioned in the earlier chapters!
Well, Bastila had the Ebon Hawk on Hoth, almost ready for departure!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
First of all, don't rush to post chapters. I know it's great fun to read feedback and all, but take your time to complete it and polish it until you're satisfied. The language is not as smooth as it was in earlier chapters, which is a sign of unnecessary haste, imho.
Sorry for that. I think I fixed the language a bit.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
The part describing Visas' current position could be spiced up. Besides that, wasn't Ossus destroyed? And I think that the few remaining Jedi would focus more on rebuilding the order than anything else.
No, Katarr was destroyed. Ossus is the Jedi Order's library planet. Where all the archives are stored.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
Is there any particular reason why Bastila was feeling so chirpy and happy? I suppose that they might lose sleep before a big mission, but I've always felt that the Jedi are practical people, which is to say that they would take the opportunity to rest if they had it.
Well, every time Bastila is to see Revan in the near future, she forgots her Jedi training! Revan is Bastila's love, pal!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
Having heard HK-47's definition of love, I doubt that his definition of happiness would be travelling with these particular group of meatbags
Well, I had to make HK-47 that way. Besides, traveling with Revan and the Exile and saving the Galaxy twice made him feel something about his companions. But only about them!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
Quan slaughtering every single Jedi is pretty improbable:/ Plus you'd think that they would sense his Dark Sided presence unless he made an attempt to hide it (and he doesn't seem subtle enough to try). Besides that, Quan's defeat of a Jedi Master in addition to an untold number of Jedi is very unlikely. Read machievelli's fics (oh, he does good fight scenes as well) for more explanation on why Jedi are such lethal warriors. While Quan is probably pretty darned dangerous as well, he definitely would be heavily outnumbered.
Let's not forget that Quan is a Sith apprentice to the Dark Lord of the Sith, and I forgot to mention that his opponents were Padawans. He is very gifted in the Force, something that will prove fatal for many characters!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
Try not to state the Force powers outright. It's in the game, yes, but that doesn't make it look any less out of lace in a fic.
Sorry for that. Changed!

I also made a few changes to the Chapter and finished it! I will now start developing Chapter 5!

Thanks for the feedback!

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Old 08-07-2008, 04:36 AM   #18
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Hi. Been reading your fan-fic a bit and i wanted to say that I find it very hard to read if you don't have new rows when someone else says something, like this:

"It's been a long time," Revan said in a happy voice.
"I know. I've been waiting for you," Bastila explained.
"Kiss me you fool!" Revan shouted and they met in a happy kiss.

EDIT: Sorry, that sounded a bit wierd, but you get the idea, right?

Last edited by Carsew; 08-07-2008 at 05:29 PM.
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Old 08-11-2008, 04:05 AM   #19
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Well almost all the critiscms I have, have already been mentioned. All I recommend is read through what everyone says and improve.

Otherwise its a good storyline. Keep it up


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Old 08-11-2008, 05:31 AM   #20
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^^^ QFE.

I've honestly got nothing else to say except great story. Improve. Re-write. Polish and it will become an even greater story.

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Old 08-11-2008, 10:11 AM   #21
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Chapter 5: Quan Revealed

{Ebon Hawk, Evening}

"Atton, where can we stop for supplies?", Visas said in her calm tone, while sitting in the co-pilot's seat. She was anxious after the ship entered the Unknown Regions, but she didn't wanted to make a stop for supplies. The reason she wanted the stop was to begin the search for Nial and Revan. In order to find these two, they should stop on a planet, not just roaming in space. "We'll stop on Ankus. It's a rocky planet in the border of the Regions. We're getting close to the planet, and it is the first planet you'll meet when you enter the Unknown Regions. Until we get there, you can always go in your chamber and meditate.", replied Atton in a happy tone. He was glad that they would stop for supplies for the same reason Visas was. Visas stood up, and headed for the Security Center to check on Carth.

Admiral Onasi was recording logs for the journey's database at the moment Visas stepped in the Security Room. "We entered the Unknown Regions two hours ago. Our first stop will be Ankus, where we can get supplies, and ask some questions about Revan and Nial Dulius. Admiral Carth Onasi from the Ebon Hawk, out.", said Carth in front of a screen displaying himself. "Hello, Carth. You are recording logs, right? How do you feel now that we entered the Unknown Regions?", said Visas, when Carth finished recording the log. "Oh, hey, Visas. Well, to be honest, I am not very eager to stop on Ankus. I have a feeling that something is there. Someone. And he is waiting for us.", stated Carth. Carth rarely had feelings for things, but when he did, he was usually right. "Is he with us? Is he a friend of the Republic?", asked Visas. "I don't think so. I cannot know. It is elusive.", replied Carth. "Carth, I wondered, how do you feel now that you'll probably see Revan after all these years?", Visas asked. "I feel calm. The Galaxy needs Revan. We need Revan. And for that, I think we will find him, and he will come with us. How do you feel about Nial?", said Carth. Visas stayed silent for a couple of seconds, and then she spoke. "Nial, he is a leader and he loves adventure. He cannot stay in a place too long. But my feelings for him have not changed. I can't wait to see him, and when I do..." Visas stopped talking because of a big vibration of the ship. "Guys, come up here!", sounded Bastila. "Let's go!", said Carth.

Carth and Visas ran to the pilot cockpit, where they found Atton piloting and Bastila sitting in the co-pilot's seat. "Thank goodness you're here!", said Bastila while standing up and turning to them. "Great, asteroids.", said Carth, and he quickly sat next to Atton. "What's our course, Carth?", asked Atton. "Point 34-A8H, 67 degrees.", replied Carth. "We must turn around and do the circle, Atton. There is no way we can get through this.", said Bastila. "Our mission is to reach Revan and Nial, and a mere asteroid field cannot stop us now!", replied Atton in a heroic tone. "Girls, go tell Bao-Dur to work on the repairs. It's gonna be a tough ride!", added Carth. The two female Jedi left the cockpit, as the Ebon Hawk almost hit at another asteroid.

{Obliterator, Evening}

"My master, Quan's starfighter is approaching us. We talked, and he said it is urgent to speak to you.", said Verun while bowing to the Dark Lord of the Sith. "Thank you, Verun. Tell him to come to the training chamber. He will pay for his failure.", replied Darth Thane with his deep and strict voice. "Yes, my lord.", said Verun, as he stood up and left the chamber. Quan landed his starfighter, exited it, and met Verun who was waiting for him. "He is in the training chamber. And he is most displeased with your total failure on your mission.", said Admiral Suvan to the Sith apprentice. "You should mind your own business, Verun. Nothing's stopping me from killing you, and I have proved it a hundred times.", replied Quan, and he left for the training chamber. "Sith scum. You shouldn't be Darth Thane's apprentice. It is all Prine's failure.", said Verun in a low tone, thus only he heard the words he spoke.

Quan entered the training chamber, where Darth Thane was standing. Quan bowed to the Sith Lord, and he spoke. "My master, Ray is very powerful. Under Atton Rand's training he became a great swordsman. I couldn't beat him, and I rely on your forgiveness." Darth Thane ignited his purple lightsaber while coming close to Quan. "So, you have failed me again. But I warned you. Your brother is not an easy opponent. However, since you are twins, you should have equal power. Let's not forget that you were once named Quan Prine.", said the Dark Lord. "I do not resemble the Prine's legacy anymore, master. My allegiance is to you and to the dark side of the Force. I proved it by killing my family, and you know that. Despite my failure, my lord, I have managed to find Atton Rand's whereabouts. He left for the Unknown Regions in a quest to find Darth Revan and General Nial Dulius from the Mandalorian Wars.", answered Quan. "Ah, yes. Revan and the Exile. We do not want them to return to known space, do we? Find Atton Rand, kill him and return to me with his lightsaber. And you should not fail me again, Quan.", said the Dark Lord, while turning off his lightsaber. "Of cource, my master.", replied Quan, as he exited the chamber.

{Space above Ankus, Ebon Hawk, Night}

"Atton, Ray's in the communication channel. He wants to speak with you.", sounded Carth, his voice coming from the Security Center Room, below the cockpit. "I'm coming. You should take on the piloting. Don't land before I finish speaking with Ray, or the communication may be disrupted.", answered Atton. Carth went into the cockpit to pilot, while Atton walked to the Security Center to speak with his apprentice. "Hello, Ray. What's the matter", Atton said to Ray, when he opened the screen. "Hello, Master. I have good news and bad news, which should I say first?", said Ray. "The bad news first." "Well, Quan attacked the Jedi Temple alone, and he killed eleven Jedi, including Master Ferlan. He also managed to learn your location. Sorry, Master.", said Ray in an apologising tone. "What? How? Why?...You said something about good news?", asked Atton. "Yeah. Good news is, I beat him in a duel!", replied Ray, expecting his Master to praise him. "I don't care about your duel. What you tell me is a bad twist in our plans. Travel to Dxun, speak with a friend of mine, Mandalore, and tell him to gather all Mandalorians on Kashyyyk. Finish your business at the Temple, and join them there. We will return for the meeting.", Atton said. "As you wish, master.", answered Ray. Atton closed the Communications screen and returned to the pilot cockpit. He entered, sat in his seat, and spoke. "Let's take the Hawk down for a landing!"


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Old 08-12-2008, 05:37 AM   #22
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How wouldn't Carth know they entered the Unknown Regions?
Wouldn't it be first priority to let him know straight away and instead of two hours later.

"We have entered the Unknown Regions two hours ago,"
I would leave out the "have" as it makes the sentence seem a bit awkward, IMO.

Carth and Visas ran to the cockpit.
I've noticed other little mistakes in past and present tense. Re-read and edit.

And try and make sure when a new person talks, space it out. It just makes it alot more easier for us readers to read it.

For example:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Istorian View Post
[color=#1CBBFF]{Ebon Hawk, Evening}
"My master, Quan's starfighter is approaching us. We talked, and he said it is urgent to speak to you.", said Verun while bowing to the Dark Lord of the Sith.

"Thank you, Verun. Tell him to come to the training chamber. He will pay for his failure.", replied Darth Thane with his deep and strict voice.

"Yes, my lord.", said Verun, as he stood up and left the chamber.
Anyways. Enough of that.
It was a good chapter. Continuation of the story without rushing it is always a good thing. Keep writing!

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Old 08-12-2008, 06:00 AM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr_BFA View Post
How wouldn't Carth know they entered the Unknown Regions?
Wouldn't it be first priority to let him know straight away and instead of two hours later.
Well, Carth knew they entered the Unknown Regions immediately, he is just recoeding a log in which he informs the possible viewer of the log that they entered the UR 2 hours ago...But Carth knew it from the first moment!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr_BFA View Post
"We have entered the Unknown Regions two hours ago,"
I would leave out the "have" as it makes the sentence seem a bit awkward, IMO.
Sorry for that. Changed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr_BFA View Post
Carth and Visas ran to the cockpit.
I've noticed other little mistakes in past and present tense. Re-read and edit.
Sorry again. Will edit it right away!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr_BFA View Post
And try and make sure when a new person talks, space it out. It just makes it alot more easier for us readers to read it.
From the next chapter, I'll try to do that!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr_BFA View Post
Anyways. Enough of that.
It was a good chapter. Continuation of the story without rushing it is always a good thing. Keep writing!
Many thanks!! You are a very good critic!!

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Old 08-12-2008, 06:24 AM   #24
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Your welcome. And thanks, I don't really know much about proper critiquing, thats Mach's job around here! x] But thanks all the same!

Just keep writing good material!

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