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Old 07-28-2008, 07:42 AM   #1
The Rhythm Schism
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[Shortie] - A Forsaken Path

[[Note: Nothing to do with the last shorties I have done...]]


A slice of sorrow,
With a hint of demise.
The darkness shall follow,
Wherever the sun will rise.

Jonas the Exile sat on the boarding ramp of the Ebon Hawk. He held a long piece of grass; strong enough so that he could intertwine it several times to make a necklace out of it. When he had finished, he looked at it as he held it up to the sky. In his opinion, it looked rather polished against the deep blue sky. The sun creating an aura of light which shown brightly through it.

He watched Visas walk up to him and sit down beside him.

“You are troubled,” she stated.

Jonas looked at her. “Aren’t we all?” he said.

“My eyes do not need to be able to see the world as you do for them to know that your posture is heavy. It feels like you are carrying a large weight upon your back.”

“Again,” he said. “Aren’t we all?”

Visas sighed. “If you do not wish to talk to me about it, than that is your decision.” She stood up to leave, but Jonas grabbed her wrist softly.

“Sorry,” he said. “If you are still willing to listen, I guess I can try and get some of this off my back.”

He saw the edge of her mouth twitch slightly, but then her face resorted back to emotionless. She sat down nonetheless.

Can we tell when life is done?
Are we able to see the light ahead?
Even though the war was won,
Your spirit still wishes that you were dead.

“My life,” started Jonas. “Is but a cluttered hall of past memories, dreams, wishes and false hopes. I try and think back to what I have achieved, but all what happens is there is a faint taste in the back of my mouth. It tastes like a bitter wine. Bile. I have often heard that Jedi, and even non-Jedi, can reach a part of their lives when something wonderful happens. They can achieve to rise from the plain of normal beings and go into another: One of pure bliss. Where nothing is wrong, and nothing can go wrong.

“But, if I am destined for such a thing - As I have often heard people tell me – what happens then if I do not think that I am worthy of such a gift? I have done, terrible, terrible things Visas - Things that I had a choice of whether or not to do them and yet, I have done them. I just wish that I can change the past.”

“Our lives do not sum up from our deeds or dreams,” replied Visas. “All that really matters in the end is what decision you make. Whether you are good or evil. Forgiveness is such a powerful thing. You need to search for it inside your self and hope that just maybe you can forgive yourself for what you have done.”

Jonas looked from her back to the grass at the bottom of the ramp. It
was such a peaceful time on Dantooine. Ironic really, how this planet is so tranquil, but in his heart and mind, it is anything but.

“Do you forgive me?” he asked her.

“There is nothing to forgive,” she said softly.

“I wish that my heart knew that.”

“It will.”


“In time.”

“Time is something I do not have at the moment,”

“Time is something everyone has,” replied Visas. “It is just up to you how to spend that time.”

Jonas smiled. He liked Visas. Perhaps more than he should.

“You are something different, Visas.” He said.

“In what way do you mean?” she inquired.

“You view the world completely different to everyone else. You have a unique sense of things. And no, it’s not just because of your sight. I think that it goes much deeper than that. Your heart is a beacon for all types of light, whether it be light or dark, and your mind strays within thoughts of places in war, serenity, and chaos; however, not the chaos of a bad kind.”

“I think, I know what you mean,” she said slowly.

“Good.” He replied. “Because, I have no idea of what I just said,” He laughed and Visas smiled. When he finished, he continued, “Visas, my life would be different had I not met you, this I know. I am glad to have met someone such as you.”

They stayed silent for several minutes. Jonas fell back into his thoughts and wondered if what was to come, would change him for the better, or for the worse…

Seek not what you want,
But find what you need.
The answer is close,
But it is nothing that you feel.

Take away the strains of being,
And what then do you have left?
A memory of emotion, a dream of a feeling,
Growing and growing since when you first met.

“Jonas?” came a voice.

Jonas came out of the thoughts of his mind and realized that Visas had not left yet. She was still sitting beside him, her face turned towards him.

“Sorry,” he said hurriedly. “What did you say?”

“I asked: whether or not you think that maybe your path has led you to this point because you willed it, or was it the Force?”

Jonas pondered over her words. “Both, I think.” He said. “I willed it since the end of the Wars, and the Force guided me before and sometimes after. I will not blame all of my actions during the Wars to be of the Force’s guidance, but with the influence, and power of the Force, I decided to do what I did.”


Jonas held up the grass necklace to the sky again.

“It is beautiful,” said Visas.

Jonas did not inquire as to how she saw it, but asked otherwise, “Would you like it? I’m not even sure how I made it. I have never made one before.”

Visas smiled as she took the necklace from Jonas. “Thank you,” she said.

“Here,” he said as he retrieved the necklace back from her. He unhooked one piece and reached over behind her neck. Lifting the veil a little, his hand brushed her neck. It was smooth and cool. His hands shook a little as he hooked the necklace back together again and moved back beside her.

“Thank you,” she said again.

“No problem.” He replied.

“This galaxy is still worth fighting for Jonas.”

He sighed inwardly. Visas was perhaps, the only person who could even begin to understand and she knew something was wrong even when he put his best efforts into making sure no one knew that he was troubled.

“I know,” he said. “I am only just beginning to realize this, funnily enough. My path is still yet to take me to places I cannot even start to comprehend.”

“As do everyone’s.” Visas said.

Jonas nodded.

“Revan knew what he was doing when he left without a word. I know
that now. He did not want the people close to him a chance to be able to follow. To risk their lives would be something he would not want on his conscience as he continues to fight. I try and find him through the Force. Sometimes I can get glimpses. Visions of what he is doing and the environment around him. It is almost like he knows I am searching for him, and he wants me to follow. I am anxious and excited about that.”

“When do you plan to leave?” asked Visas.

“I decided that now is the best time as any. Whilst the others are away doing their own things.. But you mustn’t tell anyone. I beg that of you. I have a favour to ask you. This deed requires you to stay behind.”

“I will do it,” said Visas, “you know that.”

“That I do,” agreed Jonas. “And that is why I feel for you the way I do.”

“What do you ask of me?”

“I need you to stay here, on Dantooine: To begin a new Era of Jedi. If Atton, Brianna and the rest of the crew agree, they can be the rest of the council.”

“It will be done,”

Fire, death, life, and water.
Each is the path of ones life.
Always carry the love you have for her,
And you will see that not everything has to come to an end.

They stood and looked at each other.

“Even through the Force,” said Visas. “I can feel your love for this Galaxy, and it’s occupants.”

“And for one occupant in particular.”

“Yes,” said Visas softly. Her voice was a fragile whisper. “Here, take this and always know that I will be waiting.” She went to unhook the grass necklace, but Jonas stopped her. “It was a gift,” he said. “Keep it.”

She nodded and walked to the bottom of the loading ramp. Before
walking up and closing the ramp, Jonas said to her, “Know this: I will come back. And I will be the man who you feel that I can be. This I promise. Goodbye.”

The ramp closed, and within minutes the engines started and the ship lifted slowly into the air and ascended up into the atmosphere and into the Space beyond. Visas looked until she could not see Jonas’s Force Spirit.

“Goodbye, Exile,” she said.

Love, is but the truest cliché of them all.


Last edited by The_Catto; 07-30-2008 at 04:54 AM. Reason: Puncuation, spelling and other slight changes
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Old 07-29-2008, 02:47 AM   #2
Rabish Bini
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Wow. That was very, VERY well written, the length was very good, more like a short-mid fic. Good work, keep it up.

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Old 07-29-2008, 01:51 PM   #3
Marius Fett
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I really enjoyed that.
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Old 07-29-2008, 03:09 PM   #4
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Wow, that was very touching. Jonas' and Visas' interaction was perfectly done, and I loved the poetry interspersed throughout. Did you write the poetry yourself?

I noticed some awkward wording in a few places, and there was one spelling error: "some up" should be "sum up". There were also some punctuation errors.

Overall, that was a beautiful look into the heart of the Exile and his relationship with Visas. I enjoyed it.

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Old 07-30-2008, 04:57 AM   #5
The Rhythm Schism
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Thank you very much for the comments. They are greatly appreciated.

@Emalin: Thank you for the pointed out correction. I completely missed that! And yes, I did write the poetry in between. Thank you again.

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