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Old 08-11-2008, 07:07 PM   #1
EXzSoldier
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Emperor's Dark Jedi

Chapter 1
On Cardia, the young Twi'lek, Zelaka Car walked into the Imperial Jedi training ground to meet his master Master Kaltz. "Late again," said Kaltz.
"Sorry Master, I was talking to Darth Reylav." Zelaka said. He pulled out his Lightsaber ?that? he was assigned to make.

"What color crystal did you use?" Kaltz said studying the Lightsaber.

"Violet," said Zelaka.

"Good. Its unique, like all Lightsabers should be. Now to test it out you will duel a captured Rebel. He is very good in melee combat so be aware." Kaltz said.

The rebel came out of his holding cell. He picked up a double-bladed sword from a table. Zeleaka leaped at the rebel and slashed [upwards?/downwards?/sideways?]. The rebel dodged the blade and attempted to stab Zelaka. Zeleka?[Is it Zalaka, or Zaleka?*] parried and slashed once again, cutting of the rebels hand.

"Good, now finish him!" Kaltz shouted.

Zelaka stabbed the rebel in the heart.

"That was perfect. report to Marauder Joita."

Zelaka walked up to Marauder Joita; a Small Rodian who wore golden robes and helmet.

"Zelaka, you have been given an opportunity to train as a new type of Imperial Royal Gaurd. You will be sent to Yinchorr for training under Darth Tazar: a fierce Dark Jedi who has been appointed as master of the new Dark Jedi academy on Yinchorr." Joita said as he handed Zelaka a Golden Robe and helmet like the one he wears.

"A shuttle is waiting for you on landing pad 4," Joita said saluting Zelaka

Last edited by EXzSoldier; 08-12-2008 at 11:53 AM.
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Old 08-12-2008, 06:48 AM   #2
The_Catto
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OK. If you like, I will do a step-by-step edit for this. I will highlight everything I can see for you
Quote:
Originally Posted by EXzSoldier View Post
Chapter 1
On Cardia, the young Twi'lek, Zelaka Car walked into the Imperial Jedi training ground to meet his master Master Kaltz. "Late again," said Kaltz.
"Sorry Master, I was talking to Darth Reylav." Zelaka said. He pulled out his Lightsaber ?that? he was assigned to make.

"What color crystal did you use?" Kaltz said studying the Lightsaber.

"Violet," said Zelaka.

"Good. Its unique, like all Lightsabers should be. Now to test it out you will duel a captured Rebel. He is very good in melee combat so be aware." Kaltz said.

The rebel came out of his holding cell. He picked up a double-bladed sword from a table. Zeleaka leaped at the rebel and slashed [upwards?/downwards?/sideways?]. The rebel dodged the blade and attempted to stab Zelaka. Zeleka?[Is it Zalaka, or Zaleka?*] parried and slashed once again, cutting of the rebels hand.

"Good, now finish him!" Kaltz shouted.

Zelaka stabbed the rebel in the heart.

"That was perfect. report to Marauder Joita."

Zelaka walked up to Marauder Joita; a Small Rodian who wore golden robes and helmet.

"Zelaka, you have been given an opportunity to train as a new type of Imperial Royal Gaurd. You will be sent to Yinchorr for training under Darth Tazar: a fierce Dark Jedi who has been appointed as master of the new Dark Jedi academy on Yinchorr." Joita said as he handed Zelaka a Golden Robe and helmet like the one he wears.

"A shuttle is waiting for you on landing pad 4," Joita said saluting Zelaka
*Remember to always spell your main characters names right. (I made the mistake once It's just my opinion, but I think its rather embarrassing. Hence why I try to get it right every time now x])

As you can see, there are numerous misspellings and pronunciation errors. I have fixed everything I could see at the moment. (Very tired, lol).
Its an interesting story, and I would like to see more.
Just make sure to re-read and edit before you post.
Try and make them a little bit longer as well

Oh, and I forgot to ask ... What period in the time line is this? Is it an Alternate Dimension fic? (I only ask because I don't think that Emporer Palpatine had a Dark Jedi Academy anywhere. [It would seem a bit unorthodox after wiping out most to all Jedi in the Purge])

If he did, and I have mistaken please forgive me. As I said, I'm pretty tired and my memory tends to lapse in these stages x]

Looking forward to more!

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Old 08-12-2008, 11:52 AM   #3
EXzSoldier
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well thank you very much for correcting this lol, must check speeling,"What period in the time line is this? Is it an Alternate Dimension fic? (I only ask because I don't think that Emporer Palpatine had a Dark Jedi Academy anywhere. [It would seem a bit unorthodox after wiping out most to all Jedi in the Purge])"
as for Dark Jedi I just made it up since in wookiepedia i read that all Imperial Royal guards were force-sensitive. So i swooped this up after thinking of a storyline i'll add next chapter but at the moment i dont have word perfect or microsoft word so i'll probably wont write next chapter.
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Old 08-21-2008, 03:40 PM   #4
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