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Old 09-07-2008, 05:45 PM   #1
GodsillY
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[Fic]By Fate Alone

Star Wars: By Fate Alone
By GodsillY

Kira Reytal was only eleven years old, her blonde hair falling to her shoulders, her green eyes deep and calculating. She bolted around a corner trying hard not to slip off the high rising buildings and fall to her death. She had brand new clothes and a pair of shoes, but the police were in close pursuit. Her father had just left her family after losing his most recent job, and she, and her mother were living in the streets of Coruscant again. She was a cute eleven year old girl, nobody thought she would actually steal anything, but she had to do anything to survive. She turned another corner losing her balance and tripping as she fell into a man knocking his Jedi to the floor ground with her. He bent down to pick it up looking her in the eyes and smiling. His face was not mean, and scary like the others around Coruscant, it was understanding.

“I am Mace Windu, who are you if I may ask?” he said picking up the young girl, and his lightsaber. He was a black man, bald, but very relaxed and calm, he was very gentle as he picked her up his jedi robes were something she herself had always dreamed about wearing someday, foolish dream, her father would always tell her.

“Hi,” she said shyly managing to force a smile. “I’m Kira, Kira Reytal.” The police turned the corner and stopped dead in their tracks staring in awe at the legendary Jedi Master standing before them.

“Master Windu,” one said stammering.

“Don’t worry you have done nothing wrong, I will take car of it from here,” the Master said, he waited for them to turn and leave. “You messed up here today, but I think I understand why. This time you get a warning, but next time I won’t be as lenient, stealing is never a solution no matter what your problems.”

“Thank you mister Windu sir,” she said hugging him tightly. “Nobody has ever been forgiving, and caring before, to everyone I was just another problem on Coruscant.” She turned to walk away.

“Wait Kira,” Master Windu said walking up to her again. “I couldn’t feel it at first, but the force is strong within you. In fact it’s the strongest presence I have felt in a very long time, you have great strengths, and great potential Kira. Have you ever thought about becoming a member of the Jedi Order?”

“I always had these dreams where I was running around in robes just like yours, a lightsaber by my side, I had four other Jedi with me everytime, the same four people, but my dad told me they were foolish delusions, I would never become a Jedi.” As she spoke about it a tear fell to the ground.

“Your dreams were not foolish, at all. The force was speaking to you in the form of a vision, it is rare that a Jedi like you would fall right into my lap, the force works in strange and mysterious ways.”

“What do you want me to do now mister Windu?” She questioned
seriously.

“Take me with you, let’s get you home and see what your parents say about all this. I would like to find you a master to train you, make you one with the force. Do you think you are ready for that?”

“Yes I am ready, I want to be a Jedi Knight.”

The two walked to the basement of an old abandoned apartment building where Kira had been staying for the past three months, the breeze nipping through the old tattered, torn clothing she was wearing.

“Mommy I’m home,” she said smiling. Her mother looked up from the book she was reading and smiled.

“Master Windu?” her mother said looking the Jedi in the eyes. The Jedi explained everything that happened, and what he wanted to do.

“If your ready Kira, you need to do what you need to do.”

She packed her bags and followed Mace Windu back out of the apartment. “I’m going to miss you mommy,” she said tears rolling down her face as she hugged her mother one last time at the door.

“Make your mommy proud honey, just do the best you can do. Your dad was wrong, you really are going to be the best Jedi there ever was.”

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Old 09-09-2008, 02:10 AM   #2
Inyri
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The run on sentences made it very hard to read, but it's a good story otherwise. I would recommend looking into grammar (particularly punctuation) so your future stories are a little bit easier to read and they flow better.

Also some proofreading wouldn't hurt. I saw a couple of typos and misspelled/wrong words.

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Old 09-09-2008, 02:43 AM   #3
Bee Hoon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GodsillY
as she fell into a man knocking his Jedi to the floor ground with her.
This made me lol The implication that Mace Windu possesses a Jedi apart from himself is just too funny! Btw, use either "floor" or "ground". Both together are quite redundant

It's a little strange how quickly she trusted him, considering how you initially presented her as a streetsmart urchin. I would also expect her to be a little more defensive of her actions, as he offers only platitudes and no actual solution to her poverty. It's also strange that he didn't sense the Force in her right away (not to mention both of them glaringly lack the vaunted Jedi relexes!). Besides that, her new clothes mysteriously vanish during their conversation ;p

The vision is a little cheesy (but don't worry, I'm guilty of MAJOR cheesiness, so, hi, my name is pot). I think that Kira would be a little more hesitant when telling Mace about it, as her father already mocked her for it. For a child, having a loved one do such a thing definitely would make her much more wary of telling anyone about it.

All in all, not bad for 30 minutes of work, but lots of room for improvement



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 09-09-2008, 02:52 AM   #4
Sabretooth
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon View Post
This made me lol The implication that Mace Windu possesses a Jedi apart from himself is just too funny!
I lol'd hard at that part too. Fantastic!

I also think the story suffers from a little helping of extra cheesiness, but it wasn't all that bad and if you truly made that in 30 minutes, I think it's cool. I wonder if I could come up with something in 30 minutes without my 4-day-story-contemplation time.


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Old 09-09-2008, 09:26 PM   #5
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Yeah I realized the grammer was really crappy when I re-read it, but I wrote it in 30 minutes before I had to leave for a family event, I realized it was due and the event was going to end late so I rushed it, my bad.

I'll fix grammer mistakes in the next story thanks for the feedback it's appreciated.
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Old 09-09-2008, 09:56 PM   #6
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It sounds like a good piece. Like others have said before, serious proofreading for grammar and punctuation would be prudent to use. Believe it or not, one too many mistakes can discourage a reader because they are trying to figure out your intentions. Using the spell check on your computer is good but do it manually as well.

When I read about Mace Windu's "Jedi" falling to the ground I did a Spock eyebrow and went 'huh?' I had to read it twice just to make sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. On the whole the grammar and typos really have my thoughts occupied.

Overall it was a cute story about a girl meeting possibly her master and how that relationship begins. Good job overall and keep writing. Practice makes perfect or rather it is the best teacher.

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Old 09-10-2008, 10:28 PM   #7
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The more I read my own story the more I am embarresed by the grammatical and spelling mistakes that could have so easily been avoided. I'm a no excuse kind of person so I take full responsibility for how horrible the story actually was in terms of mistakes that should have been avoided, and my next story will hopefully be unrushed and therefore much better. I'm sorry now that you even had to read it, but I liked the story concept and I wanted to get it into this contest. My bad, hope you aren't discouraged from reading my future pieces





Quote:
Originally Posted by JediMaster12 View Post
Practice makes perfect or rather it is the best teacher.
I very much agree with that statement and I would never stop writing, it is afterall my entire life.
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