lfnetwork.com mark read register faq members calendar

Thread: Survival Of the Jedi
Thread Tools Display Modes
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Old 09-27-2008, 01:04 AM   #1
knight 12167
Rookie
 
knight 12167's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: In Australian cyberspace
Posts: 188
The beginning

This is my first fanfic so don't be too harsh please review however because i want to know whether to continue or not.

Thx

Here is my story

“Execute order 66“

Those words woke Josh from his excited daydreaming. He knew that he should not be on the Goliath. You see the Goliath was a clone trooper battle ship which transported the 502nd clone regiment from battle to battle along with there Jedi allies. Josh was on it because of events that happened about a month ago. Josh had snuck out of the Jedi temple grounds to escape the canteens strange dish ‘Apsua Grandam fodder’. He had the time of his life exploring Corucants upper levels, back alleys, dinners and shops. He spent all of the meagre credits he had earned by cleaning up the temple on coloured holopens, puzzles and all sorts of other things. Unfortunatley when he had force jumped back into his quarters the biggest meanest bully of the whole temple Tackle Bomber, was sitting on his bunk grinning.Tackle was
not a Jedi but the head of securitys son. He dared Josh to follow Master Cash who was going on a combat tour to Cato Nemodia or he would dob him in to master Yoda about the trip out of the grounds. So there he was hiding behind a storage container watching the clones and Master Cash go about their business on the ships bridge.


Suddenly a shot rang out in the confined space of the bridge. Josh turned to the sound and saw something truly horrifying. Master Cash had been shot in the head by a nearby fully armoured clone commander. Seeing Cashes strong Iridonian skin had protected him from most of the shot but then yet another shot rang causing Master Cash to draw his Last breath.

Josh gave a silent gasp of pure terror.


Never was anything great achieved without danger.

Last edited by knight 12167; 05-08-2009 at 11:46 PM.
knight 12167 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 09-28-2008, 03:42 AM   #2
knight 12167
Rookie
 
knight 12167's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: In Australian cyberspace
Posts: 188
Chapter Two First Blood

Im going to post this and hope i get a review plz enjoy




Luckily unlike some of the other Jedi his age that were now at this moment sleeping peacefully in their bunks, Josh had enough sense not to run out to the nearest clone crying for help. Instead he silently slid down the metallic wall of the bridge to think. He realised that Master Cash was the only person on board who would help him through a situation like this but he was lying face down on the floor dead . Josh decided that the safest thing to do was probably wait for the ship to come out of hyperspace above Cato Nemodia and borrow Master Cashes Jedi starfighter. Then he decided instead to use a clone trooper ship as a Jedi ship would make him a sitting target for the clones.


Quietly as possible Josh slid out of the bridge using an entering paramedic droid as a distraction. Josh was feeling quite pleased with himself for avoiding detection. Suddenly he walked around a corner and landed smack bang into a clone assassin in full armour. Only momentarily surprised the clone flicked out his razor sharp combat knives fitted to his gloves. Josh reacted slowly but just managed to force pull away the comlink the clone was reaching for on his belt.

Suddenly several years of combat training with various masters kicked in. Activating his lightsaber he was quickly thrown into a barrage of parries strikes and blocks. After about thirty seconds Josh knew he would quickly be overcome if he did not end the battle fast. As quick as lightening Josh rolled under the assassins legs and made a quick slash through the clone’s torso. It was like a knife through butter. Josh felt the taste of victory in his mouth that quickly turned to sickness. He had killed someone and clone or no he was still going to be ashamed of it.

He continued on intending to get a pilots suit on that would disguise him at first glance . He knew he was very short for a clone so he would just have to say his batch was contaminated. The trip passed uneventfully apart from the passing of a mechanic whom Josh easily avoided by jumping up onto the wall and hanging on tight to a light.


Entering the armoury he saw he was going to have to go through another fight……………........


Never was anything great achieved without danger.

Last edited by knight 12167; 09-28-2008 at 03:44 AM. Reason: Small mistake
knight 12167 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 09-29-2008, 05:11 AM   #3
Bee Hoon
ngom ngom ngom
 
Bee Hoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Sydney
Posts: 1,269
Forum Veteran Veteran Fan Fic Author LFN Staff Member Helpful! 
First off, there's punctuation errors, For example, it should be: "Execute Order 66."

What do you mean by excited daydreaming? Can you wake from daydreaming? How did he know that he should not be on the Goliath, unless he had prior knowledge of what the order was?

Quote:
Originally Posted by knight 12167
You see the Goliath was a clone trooper battle ship which transported the 502nd clone regiment from battle to battle along with there Jedi allies.
A bit of confusion there--I don't know whether the clone troopers were going to or from a battle. Also, it should be "their", not there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by knight 12167
Josh had snuck out of the Jedi temple grounds to escape the canteens strange dish ‘Apsua Grandam fodder’ .
Erm. He seems rather immature for a knight.

Quote:
Originally Posted by knight 12167
He spent all of the meagre credits he had earned by cleaning up the temple on coloured holopens, puzzles and all sorts of other things.
You might want to separate this sentence, as it's a little confusing. Besides that, why would the Jedi pay him to clean? Not only are they a monastic order, but they also should have droids to do it. And why would he spend his money on those things?

Quote:
Originally Posted by knight 12167
Unfortunatley when he had force jumped back into his quarters the biggest meanest bully of the whole temple Tackle Bomber, was sitting on his bunk grinning.
There's a typo there: Unfortunately. Who is Tackle Bomber? Why would the Jedi condone bullying?

On a separate note, I would advice you not to use names like Josh and Tackle Bomber--it detracts from the Star Wars feel of the story.

Quote:
Originally Posted by knight 12167
He had dared Josh to follow Master Cash who was going on a combat tour to Cato Nemodia or he would dob him in to master Yoda about the trip out of the grounds.
It would be better if you specified that he was dared to sneak along, which is frankly, not a wise thing to do. Try not to use slang like "dob". Are you going to explain Cato Nemodia in later chapters?

Quote:
Originally Posted by knight 12167
Josh turned to the sound and saw something truly horrifying.
If he was already watching Master Cash, no need to turn to him again!

Quote:
Originally Posted by knight 12167
Seeing Cashes strong Iridonian skin had protected him from most of the shot but then yet another shot rang causing Master Cash to draw his Last breath.
Not sure about the skin part--being shot in the head by a blaster pistol (they fire bolts of energy, iirc) sounds pretty fatal. Also, unnecessary capitalization of "last". Besides that, if he was hiding and eavesdropping on them, I doubt that he would have time to daydream (as mentioned in the first paragraph).

Quote:
Originally Posted by knight 12167
Josh gave a silent horrified gasp.
I suggest: Josh gasped silently in horror.

Quote:
Originally Posted by knight 12167
Luckily unlike some of the other Jedi his age that were now at this moment sleeping peacefully in their bunks, Josh had enough sense not to run out to the nearest clone crying for help.
This implies that the other Jedi were calling for help from the clones, rather than sleeping, which you specifically stated that they were.

Quote:
Originally Posted by knight 12167
Instead he silently slid down the metallic wall of the bridge to think.
Uh, where? Inn fact, there's not much space to hide in the bridge of a ship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by knight 12167
Josh decided that the safest thing to do was probably wait for the ship to come out of hyperspace above Cato Nemodia and borrow Master Cashes Jedi starfighter.
*Master Cash's starfighter.

Quote:
Quietly as possible Josh slid out of the bridge using an entering paramedic droid as a distraction. Josh was feeling quite pleased with himself for avoiding detection.
How did he use it as a distraction? And why would he be pleased with himself? He still had not escaped!

Quote:
Originally Posted by knight 12167
Suddenly he walked around a corner and landed smack bang into a clone assassin in full armour.
It would be better if he was more cautious:/ And what is this clone assassin? I'm not entirely familiar with the clone army structure, but they don't seem the assassin type.

Quote:
Only momentarily surprised the clone flicked out his razor sharp combat knives fitted to his gloves. Josh reacted slowly but just managed to force pull away the comlink the clone was reaching for on his belt.
So was the clone attacking Josh or not (i.e. reaching for his comlink, which seems unwise)? Besides that, I wouldn't fix blades on gloves--the potential accidents could give me nightmares:/

Quote:
Originally Posted by knight 12167
Suddenly several years of combat training with various masters kicked in.
It needs a comma after "Suddenly". Plus, even if Josh was in his teens, he would have been trained for at least a decade as the Jedi believe in starting young.

Quote:
Activating his lightsaber he was quickly thrown into a barrage of parries strikes and blocks.
There should be a comma after "parries". "Thrown" isn't the word I would use, try "forced" instead?

Quote:
Originally Posted by knight 12167
As quick as lightening Josh rolled under the assassins legs and made a quick slash through the clone’s torso.
It should be "lightning" and "assassin's". "Made a quick slash" also sounds awkward--try to rephrase that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by knight 12167
The trip passed uneventfully apart from the passing of a mechanic whom Josh easily avoided by jumping up onto the wall and hanging on tight to a light.
Trip where? This whole trip? How did the mechanic not notice that Josh was there? Ships don't have such high ceilings!

Quote:
Originally Posted by knight 12167
Entering the armoury he saw he was going to have to go through another fight……………........
Why did he enter the armoury without scouting it out? "..." is sufficient

All in all, it's a very short fic (although it took a lot of effort to review). You've chosen an interesting time to write about, but I feel that you aren't utilising the Jedi to full potential. The clones aren't quite so painfully oblivious either, so have a think about that and see how you can better explain how Josh went undetected. I suggest that you find a beta reader if possible, to catch errors and discuss the plotline with. If you'd rather not, read, re-read and polish before posting.

Practice makes perfect, so keep writing!



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
Bee Hoon is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 09-29-2008, 06:03 AM   #4
knight 12167
Rookie
 
knight 12167's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: In Australian cyberspace
Posts: 188
Thank you very much for the review. I think I will Stop writing this fic so i can start a new one that i will polish off with all of your comments in mind

you have been very helpfull Thx


Never was anything great achieved without danger.
knight 12167 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 09-29-2008, 08:13 AM   #5
Bee Hoon
ngom ngom ngom
 
Bee Hoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Sydney
Posts: 1,269
Forum Veteran Veteran Fan Fic Author LFN Staff Member Helpful! 
You're welcome Just remember that there's no rush--polish it until you're happy, then publish it! All the best and hope to see a fantastic fic from you!



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
Bee Hoon is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 09-29-2008, 01:20 PM   #6
JediMaster12
Dum Spiramus Tuebimur
 
JediMaster12's Avatar
 
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Buried in books...literally
Posts: 5,933
Current Game: Assassin's Creed
LFN Staff Member Veteran Fan Fic Author Contest winner - Fan Fiction Forum Veteran 
OK you are off to a good start so far. Since you fixed some punctuation that will not be discussed. However I think you could change the structure a bit in the first chapter. For instance I think it would be a good idea to separate the line 'Execute Order 66' from the rest of the paragraph and italicized. Reading the paragraph I was under the impression that the words were part of a dream or reminescent of a memory. Often writers use italics to distinguish thoughts from actual texts. Generally it is a rule of thumb to italicize the names of vessels but that is one that is not worried about too much here.

You are pretty good at setting the scene in your chapters but I think you can really shine by going the whole nine yards. My favorite metaphor to use is to imagine that your readers are blind and they need you to paint the picture for them. You may have the plot and the story and the images in your mind but we don't. I think the fun and challenging part of writing is getting those images on paper in a manner that gives descriptive images. I think you can do that. As my pal Bee said, polish it up till you think it ready to post. Keep it going.

JediMaster12 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 09-30-2008, 04:53 AM   #7
knight 12167
Rookie
 
knight 12167's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: In Australian cyberspace
Posts: 188
thank you both for a review


Never was anything great achieved without danger.
knight 12167 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Go Back   LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > Survival Of the Jedi

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:24 PM.

LFNetwork, LLC ©2002-2011 - All rights reserved.
Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.