[[Note: Sequel to A Forsaken Path
So if you have not read that, I suggest that you do before reading this one. Go on, before you read further on!!!]]
Anyway, for the people who HAVE read that...
This is in first person perspective. A little different than last time.
But, enough of my blabbering. If you thought some of my other stuff has been darker than usual. Check this out.]]
Have you ever read into a delusional mind? Opened up the dusty spine of the year-worn pages and sifted through the layers upon layers of twisted thoughts and memories? Now you don’t need to. Let me be the one who does that for you, and I will show you exactly what it is like to feel like someone such as I feels. To think like I do, and to see – to see the universe for what it really is.
I remember her as if it was yesterday. Yet in truth, it has been close to three years now. We sat and talked and I handed her a gift; something to remember me by. I’m glad I did that because that gave her the chance to remember me as what I was. Not what I am now.
I’m ashamed. I feel lost in my own head and even though I know what I am doing, the hardest thing to realize is that I will never be the same. I promised her I would be the man who she felt I could be. Some promise that turned out to be…
A fallen leaf is dead before it hits the ground,
A succulent feeling of eroded desire.
Nothing is what it seems before it is found,
But then it might be too late to put out the fire.
I’ve fallen. And even now, as I am telling you all this, my mind falls ever deeper. I looked upon the walls of my own consciousness and all I saw were the scribbles of a mad man. I remember back to when I was but a young Padawan. Duelling with Kavar, showing the other students a new way to control the Force.
You see, I had a gift; some said so anyway. I was, a natural leader: someone who the younger pupils could look up too and aspire to. My body was confident, my mind elusive. I was something new, even to myself. It had a while to get used to it, and even now I feel that I am not exactly understanding of what I actually am.
I wonder if I could ever love now. Could a heart, as twisted and squeezed as mine, find it in itself to let someone else in and roam around? I remember talking to a certain droid about what love is. His definition would have to be one of the best I have ever heard of when I now think about it. Truth cannot be denied.
Never to live
Never to survive.
Even when you want to believe,
Your soul feels like it has died.
Before the end has been met,
Try to take in just one more sun set.
Think about all what you have shared,
Think about all what you have cared.
Before it is too late…
I can see now just what I was meant to be in this life. It’s such a sad thing really. I had lived my whole life thinking that I was meant to be something great, something that would be remembered. But look at me now. What would you say if you saw me now, my love? I’m not impressed either.
Something can always become of even just a single shadow of a thought. Cliché? Sure. I’ll go with that. But I would rather stick to cliché than empty dreams. Promises have been made and they will always end up being broken. It is inevitable. Depressing how one person can be so broken, isn’t it? I sometimes scream my lungs out until my very voice is but a whisper. I cry in the corner of my mind and sing sweet thoughts to myself until I can resemble something close to a scared child.
Space. It is an evil thing. Something that can be truly dominate of your mind if you are not careful enough. I wish she were here. Even if it was just to keep me company. I would go back if I could. But now I just don’t think I would be able to stand myself if I looked in the mirror. I stay clear of such things.
Revan was close. He knew that I would come after him. I tried to plea to him to let me know where he was. That I was coming to help him. But all I received in return was just empty imagery. I do not know why. Perhaps he is dead, or he has completely fallen like me. Fallen into screaming and a deafening silence. I hate the silence. It’s contaminating. It’s suffocated the essence of the air around me.
I can hear the alarms of the life-support start to ebb through the halls now.
I miss the silence…
Not all was of a loss however. I still believed that I could sometimes see your shadow across the floors and walls. It comforted me, in a pure twisted and sadistic way. Gave me more energy to stay awake. But now … now you’re gone and I haven’t seen any trace of you for at least five months…
Fog is my friend,
It is nice enough to take me to the end.
As I keep falling down,
I try not to look around.
I hope you will still love me after this.
Can we ever forgive ourselves for what we have done, or what we are doing? I have asked myself this question, over and over in my head and do you want to know what I come up with? I’ll tell you.
Not a thing.
Need any more? I sometimes laugh at my own naivety. It’s not something I take pride in but it is what I have become nonetheless.
I can hear birds. It is as if I am back on Dantooine and still on this ship at the exact same time. I can hear your voice. You won’t even know just how much that means to me.
Take my hand and I will show you.
A pure white light that will ever grow.
Look into it and you will know,
That the love I hold for you will always show.
Will you be able to forgive me my love? ………
* * *
Light years away – on a boreal planet where night had already took her place in the sky, a woman awoke suddenly and sat on the very edge of her bed breathing heavily.
“There is nothing to forgive,” she said softly, as a tear fell silently onto her lap.
OK, admittedly, a little short. But I didn't think it would be good to try and stretch this one out. I felt that it was right the way it was.