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Old 10-28-2008, 05:00 PM   #1
LordOfTheFish
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Dances with Fear

Prologue

A Friend

2,000 years before the Clone War:

Purple flowers crumble under her feet, crisp as the weather grew cool. Animals squawked as twilight set in, illuminating the beautiful terrain of Yavin 4. Everything, everywhere was green and lush. The girl traveling the forest was a Jedi, but only a padawan. Her silver eyes stared into the open, looking for any sign of civilization, looking for help…

It had been three days since Clera had been dropped off on Yavin’s fourth moon, abducted just hours earlier. She had been on a trip to a charity for school kids a few hours outside of her home town of Gilgall, on Onderon. Only her stout mind, and the force had kept Clera sane. “I must find shelter soon, the day grows dark and night is near. I fear another night like last night will leave me… uneasy.” She pushed on letting her Jedi instinct guide her. Clera had not a doubt in her mind her master, Lornna Moon, was searching for her this very moment. “It wont be long, if only I was to find somewhere to get up off the ground.”

Day grew into night, and night into day. Four day now had passed since Clera had slept decently. Her bones ached, and her ration-cubes were almost gone. She estimated that in two days she would run out, and have to start hunting. “I don’t plan on being here that long anyway. Master Lornna will come, I know it.”

After several hours of walking, Clera grew tied and could go no father. She decided to sit and meditate. “That rock looks sufficient.” Something stirred in the bushes. Clera jumped to her feet and turned on her violet lightsaber. “Who’s there?!” Her voice echoed. “Show yourself! You do not scare me…” She lied.

“Bleep!” An astro droid appeared from behind a bush.

“Huh? An R2 unit..? What are you doing all the way out here? Are you lost, little guy?” The droid made noises that somehow Clera understood. “You’re name is R2-C9?” He (the droid) blinked a light, seeming to indicate yes. “Do you know of any shelter in the immediate area, R2?” The droid blinked, again. “You do! Excellent, now I can determine where I am. Tell me, where exactly is this shelter?” R2-C9 made a series of odd noises. “Follow you? Ah, okay, if you say so. Lead the way.”

When Clera and R2-C9 reached the shelter, Clera was surprised to see a ruined pyramid. The inside was destroyed. “Well, when you said shelter I was expecting more of, a place with people, but definitely not this… I feel strange… It’s as if a massacre took place here. I hear voices crying out.” Clera searched the temple, looking for answers. Broken machines, bones, and weapons lay everywhere. She stepped closer to a wall. “What are these strange markings..?” Clera ran her finger across them. She thought back to all her studies on such subject, if only she could pull out a little lead from her mind. When she finally did, she wished she hadn’t. She gasped, “Sith!”

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Last edited by LordOfTheFish; 11-12-2008 at 10:27 PM.
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Old 10-29-2008, 11:53 AM   #2
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Very nice start! The descriptions are nice and clear, and Clera sounds like a level-headed girl Can't say much more until the story proper begins, but keep it up!



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 10-29-2008, 12:38 PM   #3
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Thank you. I wasn't going to continue it without good feedback, I will now though.

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Old 11-11-2008, 10:02 PM   #4
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Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Survival Instincts

Clera pulled off her Jedi survival bag. “I’m relatively lucky to have this with me. I knew it would come in handy someday.” Inside was a small tent blanket, inflatable pillow, fire starters (matches), and various other items. After setting up a camp, Clera, decided to look around more. She examined every room on every level. Finally, she came to a halt. Clera said, “I may be saved… Please, work!” A communicator lay on the ground in front of her She frowned. “Of course, you have to be broken.” She fondled it , briefly, and thought it may be fixable. “It’s getting dark, again.” She said. Looking out a window. “I’ll take this back to camp, and see what I can do with it. Hopefully R2 is still around, he may be able to help.”

Clera worked for several strait hours on the communicator. “Well, I see my studies in technology and machines has finally paid off.” R2-C9 had examined it and welded a few part. Clera came up with a list of components needed to fix the communicator properly. “I should be able to find the thing I need tomorrow from all these broken machines laying around. Anyway, good night R2.”

“Bleet…”

***


“Miss Lornna, I have sent out a message for Clera on every planet on this side of the galaxy.”

“I see. Any news?”

“I’m afraid not. The last message sent was several hours ago”

“She is still alive, I can feel it. It’s hard to locate her, way out of my skill boundary.”

“Shall I contact someone from the council, miss? If it’s possible at all, I’m sure he can find her.”

“No, no that wont be necessary. I can feel her being missing serves some sort of purpose.”

“If you say so, ma’am.”

“Ty, I want you to go home and get some rest. You have earned it with your willingness to help find Clera.”

“Oh, you are more than welcome. Clera is a very dear friend. I will see you tomorrow then, miss Lornna.”

“Good night Ty… Oh! Did you send a message to Yavin 4?”

“Now that you mention it no, no I didn’t, I’ll get right on it…”

No that’s fine, I can do it.” With that being said, Ty left the room. Lornna walked over to the comm. She typed the message out with great intent and sent it. “Please… Clera. Please get this message. I fear the worse, and the dark side may make itself, present…” Lornna paced for quite some time, thinking about what she could have done to prevent all this chaos. She left for her quarters.


***



“How could I have been so stupid! She probably expects it now… What was I thinking?” Tyson walked down the red hallways of the Jedi outpost on Onderon. “I wish my feelings for you, Clera, weren’t hidden… If only I had the courage to tell you.” He gazed out the window at the moon, thinking of its beauty and magnificence. “Why are we not afraid to speak of you’re beauty..? Wait, what am I doing…” Tyson knew of the strict rules Jedi were made to follow. Love, and relationships were forbidden. He wondered if she (Clera) felt the same way about him as he felt towards her. In the library Ty had caught her staring at him. When they made eye contact, Clera always blushed and looked away without even returning a second glance. “I wish I could see you’re smile again,… Perhaps you are on Yavin 4. I suppose all I can do is hope.”


***


Clera awoke to a scratching noise. She looked around to see where it was coming from. R2-C9 was carving a mark in a wall. She walked over to get a better look. Numerous mark were engraved in the wall. Clera gasped, “Is that how many days you have been here?” R2 beeped, again. “That’s how many ‘years’ you’ve been here? How old are you?” He beeped once more. “300!?!? Why, that’s amazing. I can’t believe you’re circuitry isn’t fried. Than again, If you’ve been here that long, I guess none of your functions have been in any use in a while. Amazing…” Clera continued to stare at the markings. She than had her breakfast and began looking for the communicator parts. Clera (and R2) found all but one. She thought it mite not be needed. For the fist part of the day she worked strait through. She tried to refrain from becoming irritated, but soon began to doubt.

A few hours later Clera jumped up in joy. A gay smile hung from her face. She said, “Finally I’ve done it! Now I can contact master Lornna. Let’s see, how do you wor… Wait a minute. There’s a message…”

“Clera, this is Lornna, I’m sending this from Onderon. If you get this message than please, respond. I’m very worried, as is Ty, Clera. Lornna out…”

She quickly pressed the respond button. “Master! It’s me, Clera, I’m so glad to here you’re voice again. I’m in a ruined temple, in the middle of the forest.” She waited for a response. None cam. Hours passed, and still nothing. Clera grew impatient, tired, hungry, and confused. “I don’t understand… Why has she not responded yet? Have they given up hope completely…” She was cut off by a voice.

“Clera, are you there?”

“Yes, who are you, your not master Lornna!”

“No, it’s me, Tyson. Lornna is resting but will soon be awake. It’s good to here you again, Clera.” She blushed on the other end of the conversation.

“Ty? It is so good to hear you as well. Please, come get me off this dreadful planet.”

“Right a away. Let me get a lock on your location.”

“You are a good friend, Ty.” Clera put her hand over her mouth, surprised at what she had said. But it still felt awkwardly comfortable to talk to him. She imagined Ty smiling back on Onderon, eager to meet her. “I must stop fantasizing and focus on getting out of here, then I can think about… him.” She thought to herself. He responded back with:

“As are you, Clera…”


Last edited by LordOfTheFish; 11-12-2008 at 10:26 PM.
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Old 11-11-2008, 10:24 PM   #5
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I didn't even see this! Sorry I haven't replied till now.
It's a good start.
I'm interested to see who abducted Clera and for what reasons.
Looking forward to more, as always.

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Old 11-12-2008, 12:29 AM   #6
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The writing seems...wrong somehow. I just can't tell you how. The plot is excellent the story telling is great, but the way the characters talk...it seems they are trying to be dramatic towards each other,
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Old 11-12-2008, 07:12 AM   #7
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Thank you everyone. Her kidnappers will be revealed in chapters to come.

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Old 11-12-2008, 04:20 PM   #8
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I seem to be out of sync here. While it is a good start I can't help but notice you using Yoda as a Jedi Master. Forgive me though, about the time of Yoda the Sith would have been "extinct" as was mentioned in Episode I. Besides the question would be as to how Cleara would know what a Sith is.

It just seems as if you thrust us in a place in time and you aren't quite sure if you know what should be there or not. If it is an alternative universe fic then I could see why you used certain characters as you did. Perhaps if you can clarify as to when this is taking place then it might make some sense to me.

Your dialogue, at least the grammar and punctuation could use some fixing. Like when Cleara says, "Wait, who are you, you're not master Lornna" It should be read "Wait. You're not Mater Lornna. Who are you?" Of course that is logical to me in terms of grammar and how a person tends to react. What I suggest is that you actually speak as if you were that character and try different versions to see which fits. People generally aren't melodramatic unless they are people who happen to like being that way for whatever reason. Speaking character dialogue can also help in terms of character development.

These are just suggestions and ultimately it is up to you to decide how you want to write your story. My mantra is that Practice makes better. It's not perfect because nothing can be perfect, only better. By writing more, you make yourself better. Keep going and see where it takes you.

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Old 11-12-2008, 10:25 PM   #9
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Thank you. I'll take what you said to thought.

[edit] If you'll look at the prologue I've added a time period. I removed Yoda and replaced it with the council.

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Old 11-13-2008, 06:20 PM   #10
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Excellent so far, Fish! Awesome! I can't really find anything to correct on, so, post the next part soon!


you very much
If a tree would fall in the woods.....would the other trees laugh at it?
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Old 11-13-2008, 07:02 PM   #11
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I'll give a bit of a spoiler on the next part for those of you who want to read.

spoiler:
At the start of the chapter, Clera, and R2 have a fight. Clera struggles with nightmares she can hardly understand. Lornna, and Tyson arrive on Yavin to a disturbing surprise. A new , shady, character is revealed.


[edit] I'm only a few pages from finishing the 2nd chapter for those who want to know.


Last edited by LordOfTheFish; 11-17-2008 at 03:29 PM.
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Old 03-11-2009, 01:18 AM   #12
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I know it's been awhile... But, you need to finish this... I'm curious as to what is going to happen next...


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I don't want to get my hopes up, but it's like the planets are aligning or something.
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Old 03-11-2009, 06:20 AM   #13
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I concur!
C'mon fish. Give us an update yeah?

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Old 03-11-2009, 10:37 AM   #14
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UPDATE!


you very much
If a tree would fall in the woods.....would the other trees laugh at it?
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Old 03-12-2009, 10:36 PM   #15
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I have the next chapter written down in a note book somewhere, and part of it typed up already. I'll see if I can find it tomorrow.

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Old 04-16-2009, 02:12 PM   #16
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read


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
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Return From Exile
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Old 04-22-2009, 03:05 AM   #17
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Dearies, remember what has been said about pestering writers. If they *want* to be pestered, then feel free, but use the visitor messages, please. Let's keep the threads tidy



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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