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Old 10-31-2008, 11:59 PM   #1
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A Galaxy in Time

A Galaxy in Time: Characters
Delphus(yes, I know, I stole it from one of my stories. Sue me.) Managui: A Lethan Twi'lek Jedi Knight, exiled from the order for studying the dark side. Many adventures lay for this Jedi...

Firmus Neraw: The current Grand Moff of the Imperial Remnant. May end up making choices that make strong enemies, but somehow always makes a good choice.

Jacen Haren: The current Mand'alor (Mandalore). Tends to be overly harsh and quite the nuisance for some of the other characters. Has a habit of attempting to destroy people he finds to be a threat.

Sid Yi: A Nautolan (think Kit Fitso) Jedi Master on the Jedi Council, Sid Yi would eventually be a great help to others, but eventually becomes corrupted, and fears for his life...

Jerek Rou: A human imperial who eventually becomes Firmus Neraw's "right hand man" later on in the story. Unimportant as of now.

Solomon Demeter: A human imperial. Has no real significance to the story... for now

Daos Sadow: A gray Jedi knight, Daos and his apprentice Ora travel the galaxy.

Ora Novan: The padawan of Daos Sadow.

Gavriel Loken: A high ranking Mandalorian under Jacen's command. He soon learns the price for betraying the most powerful man on the planet Mandalore.

Darth Revan: The tactical genius from about 4000 BBY who led the Republic to victory in the Mandalorian Wars. He now finds himself in 124 ABY.

Darth Malak: Revan's apprentice, who has a short fuse, and tends to annoy his Lord.

A Galaxy in Time: Prologue

The year is 3959 BBY, above the planet Lehon, on the Star Forge

Darth Revan and his apprentice are walking down one of the many hallways on the massive space station known as the Star Forge. One of Revan's subordinates came to him with a progress report.
"Lord Revan, I advise you not to use these elements in your experiments. They have been found to create radioactive substances, and we are not sure as of yet what these hazardous materials do to the area around it." The researcher reported.
"Continue anyways." The Dark Lord replied. He was working with unknown substances found on the planet below to find what they were and what they were capable of. Revan planned of using this potentially devastating material in his fight against the Republic.

That was when everything went wrong.

The next day, as the Dark Lord passed by the Research and Development Lab, he walked in right as the researchers ran out. He questioned why they were running, but he wanted to see what was happening. Revan entered the lab to notice the radioactive substance reacting with the unknown elements. A large explosion occurred, enveloping the entire space station.

The year is now 124 ABY
The space around Lehon began to warp and distort... and the Star Forge appears.
In the R&D lab, the researchers and Malak enter the room.
"What happened... we aren't dead, but something happened..." asked the Sith apprentice.
The Dark Lord looked surprised and astonished at what had just happened.
"Stop experimentations on that element." The Sith stated to the R&D team.
Revan sent probes out, and he learned what had happened. He was now going to conquer a whole new galaxy.

A Galaxy in Time Chapter 1: The Beginning

Location: A Mustafar docking bay
An seemingly harmless Imperial man walked out of a recently landed ship. The Imperial guards there let him pass them, allowing him access to the main room. As the Imperial man walked past, his disguise faded. The guards turned, and saw a Lethan Twi'lek in dark gray Jedi robes. The guards took aim with their E-11s...
Delphus quickly turned around, throwing his lightsaber in an arch, around the torsos of the 2 Imperial guards. The sword of energy returned to the Twi'lek's hands, and he continued on. He entered the base. The Imperials inside turned at the exiled Jedi. Delphus sent a streak of lightning at one of the Imperial officers inside, killing him instantly.
'You now know what you are dealing with. You can either surrender now and leave, or you can stay here, and suffer the same fate as your ally there." Delphus threatened. The Imperials didn't move a muscle.
"Very well." The Twi'lek exile stated.

Location: The ISD Triumphant...
'...and we have studied the technology of the Sith empire from 4000 years ago...' An old captain said as he lectured a group of Imperials, including the Grand Moff Firmus Neraw. They had humored him because they knew how the old man loved to rant about history.
'But, I have startling news I received just today. The Sith Empire... It is here, in our time, right now.' The captain announced. The crowd of Imperials looked at the cryptic old man in shock.
'What did he mean?' Neraw thought in his mind.
In front of everyone, a holorecord started.
'Our probes scoured the galaxy, and, near the planet Lehon, it noticed a large space station that wasn't there before. It resembles the space station entitled the Star Forge.'

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Old 11-11-2008, 11:31 AM   #2
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Hey there First off, it's good that you introduced the characters beforehand, but perhaps you might want to consider keeping a separate list, and updating it as you slowly work the characters into the story. Besides that, I'm also old-fashioned in that I prefer to see the characters grow and develop, rather than read plot twists in little blurbs that will not do justice to the story.

The timewarp part is somewhat confusing--I would suggest describing it as it happened, rather than just stating that the year is now 124 ABY. In a nutshell, I like the premise--it'd be interesting to see Revan go up against the Imperials, and possibly the new Jedi Order (? I am not familiar with the EU). Stylistically, I would say that regular prose works better than the present format, but I am biased ;p

The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 11-11-2008, 03:37 PM   #3
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I wonder if Revan will still be the conquerer he used to be now that all of his information on his enemies is now out of date
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Old 11-13-2008, 05:47 PM   #4
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