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Old 05-23-2009, 03:55 PM   #1
Trench
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Nemesis of the Sith: Revan's Journey to the unknown...

Greetings, before you read this FIC, please keep in mind that this is my first writing of this kind. I am an aspiring writer so be brutally honest in your reviews. Just don't be cruel or flame my writing or me. Thank you...

Nemesis of the Sith...
Nemesis of the Sith: The Unknown Regions- Part I…

It is a time of great unrest for the Republic and the recovering Jedi Order. Their conqueror turned savior ‘Revan’, has left known space –telling very few his reasons for doing so.

One of the few that he did tell, ‘Bastila Shan’ is reluctant to tell anyone what little information Revan gave her.

But not even Bastila knows Revan’s true course of action…


Uncharted Sith Planet: Undocumented Time…
The Warmaster approached the chamber where the Dark Council was contacting the Dark Lord. He feared the response of the council members when he told them what he had learned and hesitated before stepping through the large door.

As he stepped through the door, Lord Vorril was the first to notice his interruption.
“Warmaster Tyrric,” he shouted angrily as Tyrric closed the door behind him, “what is the meaning of this?! Vorril lifted Tyrric off the ground with the force and began crushing his internal organs.

“Sir,” Tyrric wheezed, “Please! Let me explain!"

Vorril released his grip as the rest of the Dark Council and even the Dark Lord himself turned to face the Warmaster.

“Sir” Tyrric said weakly, “There are reports of a robed being attacking our remote bases. He matches the description of a Jedi!” Tyrric paused and spit out some bile before continuing, “Although the reports weren’t detailed… from what I could find out, this might be the Jedi Revan that our spies reported months ago.

“Ah…” Lord Karrus mused, “The Sith pretender himself. He won’t be much of a threat. He is not of true Sith blood like us; he is most likely one of those human weaklings.”

“Ha, ha, ha!,” Lord Vorril laughed, “Dark Lord, may I go there personally to remove this nuisance myself?”

The Dark Lord’s hologram turned towards Lord Vorril, “No, “he said shortly, “first, let us move those who are least loyal to my reign to the bases that this ‘Revan” is most likely to attack.’ If they destroy him, a minor nuisance is removed. If he destroys them then a thorn is removed from my side.”

The Dark Council began to settle back into their places as the Dark Lord turned towards the Warmaster.
“You, “he ordered, “Send all of the least loyal units to the outer bases!”

“Yes Dark Lord. “Warmaster Tyrric said as he left the room.

“The rest of you, “the Dark Lord said to the council, “You are free to go. Make sure my plans are carried out!”

"Yes Lord Kressh!" The council shouted in unison.
__________________________________________________ ______________

The Dark Lord turned off his holoprojector and turned away from the display. Lord Kressh, he thought to himself, it’s been so long since someone has called me by my real name.

All of a sudden the memories came surging back to him, and he collapsed on his bed like he had for many nights in a row. Then he had the same dream he had been having during those uncomfortable nights…

He remembered when Marka Ragnos died, he -Ludo Kressh- would become Dark Lord of the Sith and strengthen the Sith enough to destroy all who opposed him. But all that was ruined by the ignorant and foolish Naga Sadow. Sadow tried to lead the Sith against a force which they could not defeat. Then there was that duel, that cursed duel. Ragnos’s force ghost made us duel to decide who would be crowned Dark Lord of the Sith. And I lost. It was because of those cursed Daragon’s that I lost. Because of those Daragon brats that I was not made Dark Lord. Sadow turned my followers against me and I fled. I faked my own death, and then gathered my most trusted Lords. And now here we are…

Ludo Kressh awoke quickly and immediately donned his robes. The Dark Council had reported yesterday that his scouts had found an ancient tomb, so powerful in the Dark Side that the slaves who were forced to enter, died as soon as they stepped inno the darkness. The tomb may hold the secrets Kressh has been looking for.
__________________________________________________ _______________

Revan ignited his twin Lightsabers just as he jumped down on the Sith Trooper. These Sith Troopers weren’t like the ones he was familiar with. The ones Revan were used to were natural born organics, these however seemed to be twisted creations of the Dark Side.

The green and blue blades of Revan’s Lightsabers flickered as he deflected the blaster bolts shot at him by another pair of Sith Troopers. His Lightsabers missed two bolts and they hit him right in the chest, sizzling as they met the mesh like material that made up his robe.
Before he left, Bastila helped him create a replica of the robes he wore during his time a Sith Lord. And he was glad she did. These Troopers were better shots than the ones that served him during his time as a Sith.

One trooper charged at him with Vibrosword, but was swiftly beheaded. These troopers were obviously not trained in one on one combat. As Revan deflected the final shot at the last Sith Trooper, he felt a dark presence, and turned around just in-time to see a Sith Lord casting a kinetic bolt at him (a power Revan had only heard about in Holocrons). Revan was unable to respond in time and was thrown back hard enough to leave a dent in the structure he was thrown in to.

The Sith laughed and Force Jumped towards Revan, Lightsaber raised to bisect him. Revan’s use of Force Speed slowed down time enough for him to side-step the attack, and get a good look at his opponent. This Sith was different from the ones he had faced in the past. This Sith had blood red skin and a tentacle like beard and whiskers. He seemed to be one of the ancient Sith. But Revan thought they were extinct.

This Sith certainly wasn’t going down without a fight, he launched another bolt of kinetic lightning at Revan, although this time… Revan caused the lightning to arc back at the Sith. The Sith –who was unprepared for this- was launched back in to a rock wall.
Revan walked over to the Sith and lifted him into the air with the Force.

“Where is your master?!” Revan demanded.

“Nall ih quishtah, morlee tak no mot!” The Sith responded in his strange language.

“Sorry, “Revan said, “but I don’t speak Sithese!”

With that, Revan smashed the Sith into the ground, making sure that he would never get back up.

Revan: “There is no emotion, there is peace. There is no emotion, there is peace! Force, I need a vacation.

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Last edited by Trench; 06-09-2009 at 08:56 PM.
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Old 05-23-2009, 08:48 PM   #2
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Excellent beginning, Te Mirdala Mand'alor!! I'm enjoying the plotline, and look forward to more.....however...

I've noticed that you need quite a bit of work regarding punctuation, and perhaps a little work on how you write the dialogue{as in how you format it } I'll mark out areas that are in need proofreading.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Te Mirdala Mand'alor View Post

Uncharted Sith Planet: Undocumented Time…
The Warmaster approached the chamber where the Dark Council was contacting the Dark Lord. He feared the response of the council members when he told them what he had learned and hesitated before stepping through the large door.

As he stepped through the door, Lord Vorril was the first to notice his interruption.

“Warmaster Tyrric,” he shouted angrily as Tyrric closed the door behind him, “what is the meaning of this?! Vorril lifted Tyrric off the ground with the force and began crushing his internal organs.

-Okay, I spaced the dialogue to show you to try an spread your dialogue lines out. This makes it so the reader can discern what is being said without losing their place. It also can add depth to certain lines, making the effect even better

“Sir.” Tyrric wheezed, “Please! Let me explain!"
Alright, it's mainly just basic thigns that you must do. Remember punctuation, that's very important, so proofread your works numerous times. This will help you to spot out the grammatical errors, as you will get better every time So, as Machiavelli says, "polish until smooth." Proofreading is the key here

Anyway, I hope the little I provided helps! The story is excellent aside from the errors, so just proofread

I've greatly enjoyed this one, so i hope you make more soon!!


you very much
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Old 05-23-2009, 11:29 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CommanderQ View Post
Excellent beginning, Te Mirdala Mand'alor!! I'm enjoying the plotline, and look forward to more.....however...

I've noticed that you need quite a bit of work regarding punctuation, and perhaps a little work on how you write the dialogue{as in how you format it } I'll mark out areas that are in need proofreading.



Alright, it's mainly just basic thigns that you must do. Remember punctuation, that's very important, so proofread your works numerous times. This will help you to spot out the grammatical errors, as you will get better every time So, as Machiavelli says, "polish until smooth." Proofreading is the key here

Anyway, I hope the little I provided helps! The story is excellent aside from the errors, so just proofread

I've greatly enjoyed this one, so i hope you make more soon!!
Thanks! Fixed. Hey CQ, Do you appose your Mand'alor?

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Old 05-24-2009, 04:45 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CommanderQ View Post
Excellent beginning, Te Mirdala Mand'alor!! I'm enjoying the plotline, and look forward to more
Indeed excellent beginning! I am a little confused to read about Kreesh and Revan in one story however.........
Post some more of these Te Mirdala Mand'alor!



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Old 05-24-2009, 05:01 AM   #5
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Well DarthDac, this storyline uses the (unproved) rumors that the Sith Emperor in SWtOR is actually Ludo Kressh. Later on I will explain how he lived so long. Glad you liked it!

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Old 05-24-2009, 07:12 AM   #6
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The beginning of the story is good, but i'm have never think that ludo kressh was the sith emperor, but that's not important, your story line seems good ^^


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Old 05-25-2009, 07:16 AM   #7
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I'd like to add that I beta tested it.




A nice song, fits them perfectly.
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Old 05-25-2009, 12:01 PM   #8
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And a wonderful job you did at that Wedge. Thank you again. I hope everyone enjoys the next chapter. I hope to submit it today.

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Old 05-25-2009, 02:15 PM   #9
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Nemesis of the Sith: Chapter II

Nemesis of the Sith: Revan’s Journey to the Unknown... Part II:

Unknown Sith planetoid base: Later than before…

The Sith commander stroked his tentacle beard as he looked through his macrobinoculars once more. The landscape was the same as it was the last time he checked: Grey, dry, rocky, and devoid of life. Depressing, kind of like Korriban with a different color scheme. The Warmaster obviously had his reasons for transferring this unit to the outer base, but they were unknown to the Commander.

The Commander looked through the binoculars once more when he thought he saw some movement to the east. Just one of those kriffing Tuk’ata, he thought, and a big one at that. How did those beasts get to this planet anyway?

The Commander’s musings were interrupted when his apprentice rushed over from his post.

“Master. “The apprentice reported, “There have been movements to the south. And the scouts we sent to investigate haven’t reported back. Even when we tried raising them on the comm.”

“Humph.” The Commander snorted, “Maybe those rumors I heard about there being a Jedi out here could be true.”

“A Jedi sir?” The padawan asked nervously.

“Yes.” The Commander said as he looked through his macrobinoculars again, “Shouldn’t be too much of a problem.” He said as he patted the Lightsaber on his belt.
__________________________________________________ _______________

Revan fought his way through a pack of Dire Tuk’ata. These Tuk’ata were much larger than the ones first encountered on Korriban.
I need to stop making comparisons like this, Revan thought, I’m in an unknown sector of the universe and I’m comparing the things here to the things back home. I need to remember that I'm on a corrupted Sith planet and not good old Dantooine.

Revan stuck his Lightsaber through the last living Tuk’ata of the pack. The spikes covering the back of the large creature twitched before the creature expired permanently.

Seeing structures to the far north, Revan stretched out with the force and felt the presence of many beings. He sensed about two hundred Sith Troopers and one- no two, Dark Jedi.

Revan ran stealthily towards the Sith base, formulating a plan as he went. As he neared the base he felt a number of the beings shifting the attention towards him.

When Revan got within range of the Sith base scanners he used a technique his old mentor Kreia taught him years ago. He made himself small in the force and wrapped himself in a cloaking field as he approached the base.
__________________________________________________ _______________

Dark Lord Ludo Kressh approached the ancient tomb and immediately felt a surge of Dark Side energy.

He ordered his aides to go back to the camp as he entered the tomb, and as soon as they were out of sight he stepped into the Darkness.

The cave was filled with a black fog that sent a chill up the Dark Lord’s spine. And the walls were filled with cracks and seams that would often emit bolts of crimson Dark Side energy.
Lord Kressh ran his hand along the wall of the cave as he descended into the darkness. The walls were covered in runes and carvings that possibly depicted the former inhabitants or colonists of this world. Hmmm, Kressh thought, I wonder if these beings brought the Tuk’ata here.

The Dark Lord’s thoughts were interrupted when suddenly from deep in the cave, a bolt of Dark Side energy shot towards him and hit him dead on. The bolt of energy suspended him in the air as it fed a continuous stream of Dark Power into his body.

The Dark Lord absorbed this power with a hunger he had never felt before, and collapsed on the cave floor when the stream of energy stopped.

When he finally awoke, Kressh discovered that he was standing, and he was no longer wearing his long Sith robe. In fact, he was wearing his old suit of Sith armor. And he was leading the funeral procession of Marka Ragnos.
Kressh was about to grab his weapon and demand to know what was going on when his surroundings evaporated. When the dust cleared, he was back in the tomb, trying to get up. Blasted tomb, he thought as he walked deeper into the cave.
__________________________________________________ _______________

Revan ran unseen and unheard over the dry and desolate terrain, towards the Sith Base. The Sith had apparently sensed his presence as they sent out scouts armed with ancient swords to investigate.

Revan had no problem dealing with the scouts, but was worried that their disappearance might set off some red flags at the base. Apparently, they weren’t worried enough to send someone to search for the missing scouts.

Revan stretched out with the Force again, and found the distinct, arrogant presence of their leader. Although there was something odd about this Sith. Revan delved deeper, feeling the mind, thoughts and emotions of the Sith. Among the swirl of thoughts one stuck out from the others. Traitor.
This Sith planned on eventually turning his own units against their leader, someone called: The Dark Lord.

Revan could use this to his advantage.
__________________________________________________ _______________

The Sith Commander turned to face the Trooper Captain as he walked up the ramp to the Commander's viewing platform.

“Take off your helmet.” The Commander ordered.

The Trooper complied, and removed his helmet. Underneath was the ugly fanged face of a Massassi Warrior.

“Sir, “the Captain began in his rough and bestial voice, “Our scouts have not reported back, and we haven’t seen any signs of a Jedi.”

“Hmmm, “the Commander said stroking the blood red tentacle that protruded from his chin, “maybe there is no Jedi. Those scouts were probably killed by a-.”

The Commander stopped speaking when a large explosion rocked the base. One of the armories had been destroyed.
And the Commander knew it wasn’t a flaming Tuk’ata that did it.
__________________________________________________ _______________

Revan used his Force mastery to make the Sith guards posted at the armory think he was one of them. After that, setting and detonating the explosives in the armory was child’s play.

Zaalbar would have brought enough grenades and components to blow this whole base, Revan thought. I wish I could have said goodbye to all my former crew-mates before I left.

As most of the Sith troopers and guards ran towards the armory to investigate, Revan allowed the commander to feel his presence for a brief moment. The commander allowed the others to investigate the armory, while he would face Revan alone…


Last edited by Trench; 05-27-2009 at 01:42 AM.
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Old 05-25-2009, 02:48 PM   #10
Demongo
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I just can't stop reading this!
I remember I once read about this in a comic:
Quote:
When he finally awoke, Kressh discovered that he was standing, and he was no longer wearing his long Sith robe. In fact, he was wearing his old suit of Sith armor. And he was leading the funeral procession of Marka Ragnos.
Please continue



Bink's Sake

"I've barely eaten anything for many decades now. It feels like my stomach shriveled into my back........though i don't have a stomach or back because i'm a skeleton! Yohohohoho! SKULL JOKE!"

"My eyes have never seen such a pretty woman! But i'm a skeleton so my eyes don't see much."
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Old 05-26-2009, 03:29 AM   #11
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Its really fun to read this, especially since it brings a long gone memory to my mind: Its very much alike the only SW fic ive ever written. It was a story i wrote for school, and it was also full of tomb meddling and tuk ata
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Old 05-27-2009, 01:03 AM   #12
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read; and someone even quoted me!


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

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Old 06-08-2009, 06:18 PM   #13
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Nemesis of the Sith: The Unknown Regions- Part III…

Finally! After going far too ling without writing for this story, I am back with a new chapter for you guys. Enjoy!

Sith Base: Uncharted Sith Planetoid…

The Sith commander activated his Lightsaber as Revan uncloaked himself and did the same. The two began circling each other, waiting for the opportunity to strike.

“So this is the Jedi…Disappointing.” The Commander said as he attacked…

__________________________________________________ _______________

Revan deactivated his stealth field and ignited his blue and green sabers. As he circled his opponent, the Sith said something in his language and attacked.

Revan easily parried the first blow and Force pushed the overconfident Sith into one of the many dark buildings that made up the base.

Before the Sith could get back up, Revan used a technique he first used on the Rakata when he visited Lehon as a Sith Lord. He reached out with the Force, and ripped the Sith language from the Commander’s skull, at the same time driving Basic back into it.

“What did you do to me?!” the Commander demanded in Sithese.

“I enabled communication between the two of us,” Revan said as he clipped his deactivated Lightsabers to his belt. “Please,” He said as he used the force to pull up two storage crates, “have a seat.”

“What is the meaning of this Jedi?” the Sith said as he lowered his Lightsaber.

“I believe we may both want the same thing, commander-”

“Graussh, Commander Graussh,” The commander said as he deactivated his Lightsaber.

“Commander Graussh, “Revan started as he gestured to the adjacent crate, “I think we may have the same goal.”

“And what would that be?” Commander Graussh said as he sat down.

“The destruction of the Dark Lord, of course,” Revan said as he lowered his hood, revealing his Mandalorian-style mask.

“Hmmm,” the Commander contemplated, “Your offer intrigues me Jedi… Let’s talk…”

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dark Side Tomb, Uncharted Sith Planet…

Lord Kressh entered a large cavern as he ventured deeper into the tomb.

In the center of the cavern, a large pillar connected the ceiling and the floor, with a nexus of blood red Dark Side energy swirling around it

Once again, the Dark Force nexus blasted Kressh with arcs of red energy and he was lifted off the ground.

When the energy stream stopped, Kressh was back in his Sith armor, standing outside the tomb of Marka Ragnos.

Kressh barely had time to observe his surroundings when none other than Naga Sadow rushed towards him with his blade held high.

Kressh dodged the blow and countered with one of his own. Sadow was able to dodge the attack and began attacking Kressh with a ferocity that rivaled that of a Hssiss.

Sadow ceased his attack when the Force Ghost of Marka Ragnos appeared.

“Beware,” Ragnos said, “Though it is the golden age of the Sith, many things may change, choose your paths wisely.

With that, Ragnos faded away

“Perhaps,” Kressh said as he faced Sadow, “Perhaps we should end our quarrel, and focus on the destruction of our enemies.”

I agree, “Sadow said as he stepped towards Kressh, “And I think I’ll start with you!” He shouted as he swung his sword at Kressh.

The two Siths’ battle was once again interrupted when a ship landed on the surface not far from the tomb.

The Daragon’s,” Kressh said… It was at this time that Kressh remembered that this was all just a vision, and it all just evaporated…

__________________________________________________ _______________

Sith Base: Uncharted Sith Planetoid…

Commander Graussh took another sip of the beverage he had ordered one of his Massassi troopers to bring him, as he made himself comfortable to hear Revan’s proposal.

“So,” Revan began, “you obviously feel that the Dark Lord has outlived his usefulness. What would it take to persuade you to join me?”

The Commander put his drink down on the table another trooper placed for them.

“Well,” he began, “you’ve already proven yourself in my eyes. The hard part is going to be convincing all of my troops to bow to your command.”

“Which of your troops is completely loyal to your command?” Revan asked.

“I can only think of a few who aren’t,” Graussh said as he stroked one of the tendrils protruding from his chin, “My apprentice is one of them. He practically worships the Dark Lord.”

Ah,” Revan said as he stood up, “And what of these warriors here?” He said as he gestured to the warriors who were serving them.

“They are Massassi, extremely loyal to me, “Graussh said as he picked up his drink, “It’s a natural instinct… They would kill themselves if I told them to.”

“Uh-huh,” Revan said as he stretched out with the Force, “And the Dark Lord. How do you propose we best move against him?”

“Yes… I suppose that’s the real challenge isn’t it,” Graussh said, “He will no doubt become suspicious if he doesn’t hear reports of another Jedi attack soon.”

Yes… And I fear we may be facing a more imminent threat,” Revan said as he turned towards the Commander, “Your apprentice approaches…”

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Old 06-09-2009, 07:26 AM   #14
Wedge Suron
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Looks interesting.




A nice song, fits them perfectly.
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Old 06-09-2009, 07:42 AM   #15
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Nice continuation
Your story is interesting.



Bink's Sake

"I've barely eaten anything for many decades now. It feels like my stomach shriveled into my back........though i don't have a stomach or back because i'm a skeleton! Yohohohoho! SKULL JOKE!"

"My eyes have never seen such a pretty woman! But i'm a skeleton so my eyes don't see much."
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Old 06-09-2009, 08:05 AM   #16
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Te,

As far as the story and the plot goes I like them both. I can echo what others have already mentioned on the proof reading and such.

I would also suggest not leaving spaces between your lines of narration but rather grouping them together in paragraphs

i.e: Revan deactivated his stealth field and ignited his blue and green sabers. As he circled his opponent, the Sith said something in his language and attacked.

Revan easily parried the first blow and Force pushed the overconfident Sith into one of the many dark buildings that made up the base.

Before the Sith could get back up, Revan used a technique he first used on the Rakata when he visited Lehon as a Sith Lord. He reached out with the Force, and ripped the Sith language from the Commander’s skull, at the same time driving Basic back into it.


could be written as

Revan deactivated his stealth field and ignited his blue and green sabers. As he circled his opponent, the Sith said something in his language and attacked.
to one of the many dark buildings that made up the base. Before the Sith could get back up, Revan used a technique he first used on the Rakata when he visited Lehon as a Sith Lord. He reached out with the Force, and ripped the Sith language from the Commander’s skull, at the same time driving Basic back into it.


Anyway, its a minor point at best

I'm interested to see how you delve into the Ludo Kresh character and his survival, and I wonder if Revan's possible alliance with the Sith could lead him down "an all too familiar path."


"You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view."

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Old 07-20-2009, 01:06 PM   #17
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This [Fic] will be resumed upon the completion of TeamFett's Mandalorian armor mod.

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Old 08-04-2009, 03:35 PM   #18
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Nemesis of the Sith: The Unknown Regions- Part IV

Yay! Another chapter!
________________________________________________
Dark Side Tomb: Uncharted Sith Planet...
Kressh went deeper yet into the tomb. What kind of a place was this?
Each blast of Dark Side energy weakens, yet strengthens me. I feel do alive, yet so dead. So full, yet I hunger for more...
Kressh had read of these things, in Holocrons and scrolls. A hunger felt by many of his ancestors, a fire quenched by the lives of their followers and their enemies.
A powerful technique to have, he thought.
__________________________________________________ _______________
Sith Base: Uncharted Sith Planetoid...

"My apprentice, "Commander Graussh said standing up, "won't be too much of a problem. I taught him all that he knows, but not all that I know."

"Even so, "Revan said, "I have a plan..."
___________________________________

Graussh's apprentice walked through the door of the command post to report the damage to the armory.

"Master, "he said kneeling before Graussh, "the armory was completely obliterated, as were all the weapons and five guards."

"It is alright, "there was nothing you could have done to to stop it.

"Master? " The apprentice was obviously confused by his masters unusually calm demeanor.

"I have an offer for you my apprentice, "Graussh continued, "I think it may be time for a little, change in leadership."

"What are you talking about?"

"What would you say if we joined the Jedi, and overthrew the Dark Lord?"

"What! Never!" The apprentice yelled as he ignited his lightsaber.

"I see you won't be convinced easily..."

With that, Revan deactivated his stealth unit and appeared next to the Commander.

"What do you say now?" The Commander asked the young Sith.
__________________________________________________ _______________
Dark Side Tomb...
Kressh continued his journey into the tomb. Was it madness? Possibly. Was it Curiosity? Possibly. What he did know, was that the Dark Side of the Force called to him from the tomb, and he would answer that call.
He was stopped when he came across a group of Tuk'ata, these specimens being even larger than the ones on the surface.
He was about to grab his Lightsaber when the Dark Side suddenly consumed him, and without even trying, he just devoured the life force of the Tuk'ata.
When he viewed them through the force, they were just empty, completely devoid of anything but an echo.

Such great power, Kressh thought as he stared in disbelief, I love it!

To be continued...

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Old 08-04-2009, 06:00 PM   #19
Demongo
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Oh I was expecting more>_< But this looks interesting so keep it up



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"My eyes have never seen such a pretty woman! But i'm a skeleton so my eyes don't see much."
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