152/12//A67DB9 - Entry 00208:
People think being a Jedi automatically makes one an all-purpose saviour of worlds. But the truth couldn't be farther from that. People like Anakin Skywalker, Master Kenobi, Master Yoda, Master Windu, and so many more, with their immense strength in the Force and great combat abilities and successful campaigns in the Clone Wars have become symbols of our order and more popular than holovid celebrities. Not everyone is as strong in the Force of experienced as them, yet we are all expected to perform our duties with their same level of success. I'm a prime example. Iím what is known as a sub-average Jedi, barely strong enough in the Force to escape being sent to the Jedi Agricultural Corps. At the time I was supremely grateful to my Master for accepting me as his Padawan and giving me a future as a Knight. But nowadays I look back at that day and wish I had never met him. I could have had a peaceful future off on some Agricultural planet, with this sickening war out of my life. Iíd never have been burdened with so many tasks that are beyond my abilities and so many expectations from the people I was sent to help. I wouldnít have to bear the shame and rejection that comes with failure, something I was all too familiar with.
Donít get me wrong, Iím no utterly talentless Jedi. Iíve had my fair share of successes and clever tactics and even been praised by Yoda on occasion. But this stereotype of the Jedi based on the near infalliable actions of our most popular members places an unfair level of expectation on us all.
I'm only seventeen years old. Most kids my age would be studying, hanging around with friends, with not many worries about themselves except how to pass an examination, or how to get to a Cineplex before their Holo started. Yet being a Jedi Padawan, I was immediately granted the rank of Jedi Commander in Palpatineís new army. Commander! I canít even win a simulated strategy game in time, and they make me a Commander! My first mission was hastily set up. Following the aftermath of Geonosis, I was sent with a contingent of 500 Clone Troopers to some planet whose name I forget, to eradicate a Separatist outpost and establish Republic control over it. Even now I remember thinking how utterly useless it was. That place never saw any action, it was lightyears away from the nearest location of strategic importance to either faction. Taking it would be like polishing the viewscreen of a scrapped ship. There was no use to it. Yet I was given the order, and I had to obey. So I went, gathering my belongings and rounding up my troops.
Most people would probably think: ah well, heís not Commander material yet, but his Master will guide him. How I wish that could be true. And it would have been, had it not been for the utterly STUPID decision of Master Windu to gather a bunch of Jedi in the Geonosis arena to rescue just two of the Orderís prize faces. How many Jedi died to save them! My Master was felled within seconds of the arrival of the battle droids. And his body left behind by the rescuing clones. Was that what awaited someone who couldnít be a Jedi War Machine? Were the lives of two highly placed Jedi Knights worth the lives of fifty others? What was Windu thinking when he decided on that course of action?
Anyway, coming back to the topic of my first mission: I failed. Miserably. I was no tactician, I just followed the advice of my troopers. They were more of soldiers than I was, obviously. But the Clones could only offer so much. The lives of 500 men lay in my hands, and my hands were slippery. Out of the 500 men I was sent with. Only 192 returned. I wonít sum up the battle, it was so long ago and such a terrible memory. I remember the disapproval I could sense from my surviving troops. I remember the utter disappointment the entire Council showed with my failure. I was utterly depressed for well more than a month. But what made that ordeal worse, is that the Republic never went back there, to that planet. It still remains in Separatist hands. I donít understand what the point of wasting so many lives over a futile objective was. For a mere power struggle, the Chancellor willingly wasted the lives of his ďexpendableĒ troops. I was only thirteen at that time. The trauma I experienced should never be experienced by someone of my age.
Right now I'm on my way back to Coruscant. Back from a simple recon mission near the outer rim territories. I had a choice between this mission and a frontline role at Kashyyyk, but with the great Master Yoda there, what possible use could I be? Iím just sick of this war and the ordeals Iíve been through due to my allegiance to the Jedi. I just want it all to end.
I better head to the bridge, I think I heard something about an order sixty-six on the comm. Why these Clones canít be less vague is beyond me.
I just had this idea a while back of a Jedi who's not a blistering success like Luke or Anakin or Obi-Wan. Every movie or Jedi based game portrays the main character as someone immensely strong in the Force who affects the outcome of the Galaxy. So i thought I'd experiment with the idea of a Jedi who's as susceptible to failure as a normal person, and one who actually doesn't consider being a Jedi to be a great thing and actually has a level of resentment towards it.
This is the first time I've written something in a very very long time, so its pretty short, and I'm not sure how good it is, compared to my previous stuff, but thats up to you guys to decide. I hope you liked it! Please do give me constructive comments, I'd like to know just how rusty I am.
Oh, and the lack of character development and description of scenarios is intentional. Since this is a Jedi who's not well versed with the Force, he wouldn't be in canonical sources anyway, and there's no point creating a character for a small fic as this without developing it. Hence the anonymous journal entry.