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Old 08-30-2010, 02:51 PM   #1
Revan sama
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The frozen maiden and The Dark Lord.

Title : The frozen maiden and The Dark Lord.

Pairing: DSM Revan x LS the handmaiden Brianna.

Summary:When there is two of them, there is always one who love the other one more, even if it's not unrequited.

Night spreads across the sky, awakening the stars and moon from their slumber to begin the parade of luminescence in the shrouding darkness. Glimmering shimmers of their merrymaking cascade down to embrace the Night-Walkers, as the daring group traverses the dangerous ensnare of the ebony camouflage littered with the fearsome sadism of living beings. Jedi and Dark Jedi, scarier than the beasts of the black abyss, control society through the talents of their special powers. Light saber and the force, largely specify numerous aspects of their abilities.

Even so, sometimes the most fearsome element is the unknown knowledge about the extent of their skills. For instance. The Lords of the Sith and their many secrets. And the highest alarm comes from the story of one particular Sith Lord and the daughter of one of his former master. Darth Revan and Brianna Kae the last handmaiden of Atris, the result of a forbidden union between a General Echani and one of Revan's former Jedi master.

The need of a selfish, proud Sith Lord and the painful love of a former handmaiden.

"He wanted everything, all the knowledge, the power and the respect that would make God envy him. He didn't needed emotions. Those trivial things were unnecessary and bring too much weakness. And before he knew what was going on, he was confronting one enemy he could not simply defeated on the battleground : Love."

Their relationship, their interference, isn't something anyone thought could happen. Furthermore, some memories and specific emotions cannot be forgotten no matter what strife has to endure.

"She materializes in the midst of the blossoms, just shy of a young girl. She spins around once or twice, letting out a guileless laugh he had never heard from her. The last handmaiden is once again the young, carefree girl of her youth; the girl she should liked to have remained forever. She looks back at him with a smile full of white teeth and raises her hand in a wave goodbye. He lifts a hand in return… the same hand he uses moments later to end her life."

Ignorance doesn't make disappear the truth, it just hide it.

On her good days, Brianna liked to think of Lord Revan as a hero. Bad days were when he came back soaked in blood that was not his own, would never be his own. Then she thought of him as a demon, with no soul, no remorse and no love.

"Sometimes at night when he came back from a mission, even with his mask, he could still feel warm eyes full of love and he desperately tries to push it away, knowing full well they won't go..."

Although he didn't need her, she liked being the main female in his life, even if it was only as an ally and as a tool. Even his cold remarks were never enough to loosen the tight grip he held over her heart. She loved him more than anyone else.

"She seemed so warm and kind, so forbidden -He was old enough to be her brother-that he couldn't resist her."

Lord Revan's mind was as perfect as his body. Analytical, intelligent, observant. He was sharper, smarter, faster than men with two or three times his age and experience. You could see it in his eyes; too knowing in pain and sadness and malice. Brianna was never sure how to accept the fact that her lord was more interested in vanquish the Republic, rather than be with her.

"She would rarely talk about her relatives, probably too afraid to annoy him. Still, he knew. If you consider that Brianna, by herself, as being how she truly was...to that extent...she was really lonely."

She didn't understand this growing love she possessed for him. It was against everything she believed. She was the light and he was pure darkness. Even if she was a bit naive, she still knew, from his cruelty and hate that he could not change in the way she or anyone wanted. This circle of hatred, the war against the Mandalorians, the exile of his first master, the death of her mother, everything has colored his pure white heart in the dark color of red blood.

"He didn't need to say it. His eyes told her everything."I'm not the beautiful person you think, but even so I still want to protect you in my own way...that would have been HER last wish." "

Soon enough she found herself not wanting to change him anymore. Instead she wanted to protect his heart in her own way.

She'd felt pleased when he came back from a mission with a cut on his left arm that needed bandaging. It was very rare when she would be able to take care of him and usually went all out, even though it was just so he would sit with her a moment longer.

"He comes back, hurt, badly and she rushes out, worried, he just laughs bitterly, how ironic the lord of the Sith was beaten by a force of nature."

He would always sigh at her and leave without thanks or acknowledgment, leaving her alone with angry thoughts. And the love she held for her first love always won out over any bad thoughts about him.

" "Where should I stand, such that I can see the same things you do in the same way?" " To understand the same feelings before causing more hurt than I do already..." he asked quietly without looking at her."

Maybe if she had made Lord Revan spend more time with her, their relationship could have developed into a more promising one. She'd always toyed with the image of her and him together.

"She didn't understand what he mean by "The sins of my future will laugh at me". And maybe...it should stay that way for now."

Instead, she was left in the cold while he went with Lady Bastila and HK-47, all ready to bring chaos and immune to the affects that death may wreak. They'd had an uneasy relationship, one that she grew to regret.

Brianna envy Bastila.

This wasn't some sudden, blinding revelation ; more like a gradual acknowledgement of the truth.

A fact that only maker her angrier.

Bastila had everything she wanted to have...

Whatever it was the beauty, the force or especially...Lord Revan's affection.

From the day Bastila became his apprentice, Bastila had never favoured anything resembling tenderness or compassion and adapted all too easily to life as a Dark lady. Her speech was brash and her beauty incarnate :
her lips crimson blood, her brown hair, her ivory snow skin, her eyes were always alight...Everything about her appearance was magnificent.

No wonder, men always lusted after her...

But it wasn't the source of her anger.

What make Brianna's blood boiling with anger was the fact that HE was maybe attracted to her.

"Bastila asked a private 'appointement' with Lord Revan. And while they were leaving to her room, bastila saw Brianna and mocked her. She was furious, but she couldn't do anything, which make her even more frustrated."

Instead of feeling anger, she felt despair, depression and sorrow.

Late at night when she was alone in her room, she would cry herself to sleep and dreaming of a familiar Sith Lord who would be with her, showing how much he wanted her and loved her.

She had lost count of the nights she had blindly reached out for his for comfort… finding only emptiness.

In these dreams, he would be in her arms, in her bed and not in some former Jedi princess bed. She would let go of any promises just to make it true.

In these dreams she felt like she never wanted to wake up.

In these dreams he was always hers.

But in the end, when dawn was there, she always wake up alone.

Opening night drowned her in her illness once again; the pain that always locked itself inside her bones. When her eyes opened, she was afraid of plunging again into the obsidian terror, with not a soul there to break her fall.

"Her eyes seem to be always white like snow, pure, never tainted by yellow orbs and he wanted it to stay that way."

In any case, a vice-like grip over her heart and he knew it. His eyes told her so as they reflected the pool of silver already going cold yellow, those once silver cold eyes that she loved so much. Maybe that was why she did not fight it when she was stabbed into her stomach...with a familiar red lightsaber.

"He stands above her, and looks at her calm gaze with something inside him screaming at her to run."

So she let the blood flow from her and allowed herself to listen to the words who came from his mouth that flowed like the red river. And still she did not hate him for letting her died.

With all her will she came closer to him and whispered three soft words in his ears. Three words he already knew.

" "I love you."He was always surprise at how bold she was to tell him this. But he would always replied "You don't know what you're saying." and he would ignore the fact that his chest grew hot at her words."

Then, with tears in her eyes, she asked him: "Was I not enough for you?"

Was I too young for you?
Was I not strong enough for you?
Was I...Was...I...

Unasked questions, forbidden feelings and a love that is not reciprocated. Those were Brianna's dying thoughts.

"As she took her last breath and became no more, he felt something die inside himself as well."

When there is two of them, there is always one who love the other one more.

He loved her so much.

However it would never be with the same strength that she had for him.

It's a crime.

Because he gave up too easily.

He receive punishment because he is too attached.
Abandoning everything everywhere.

To lose someone so important...

he doesn't mind anymore.

It was raining.


Whatever it was his tears of sadness or the rain.

It hurt and hurt again...

He doesn't know.


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Old 08-30-2010, 04:40 PM   #2
Joan Bud
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Is English your native language? Your writing, although mesmerizing, is very difficult to understand. Mostly, you are having trouble getting a firm hold on its tense and descriptive structure. Writing in present tense (i.e. "He runs," or "They speak,") is generally more of a chore than writing in past tense (i.e. "He ran," or "They spoke,"). Past tense also seems to have a smoother flow and can, in some circumstances, allow for more options in your writing. Your grammar is also extremely errored in some areas--your difficulty with that might come from your loose grasp on the tenses. Let's look at an example from your text:

Brianna envy Bastila.
Know that this sentence, even though people can still decipher its meaning, holds no coherence. Mistakes like this were frequent throughout your story, utterly ruining its simple progression. If you were to stay in present tense, you would say, "Brianna envies Bastila," but if you handled it in past tense, you would say, "Brianna envied Bastila." Note that it is easier on both the author and the reader to write in past tense.

Next, you need to organize your dialogue better. As I read, I had absolutely no idea who was speaking (if you even meant for the italicized text to be dialogue). Your quotes seem to embody each other, making it really hard on me to follow along. For instance, you seemed to do this a lot:

"He didn't need to say it. His eyes told her everything."I'm not the beautiful person you think, but even so I still want to protect you in my own way...that would have been HER last wish." "
You need to make it easier to read. The dialogue seemed crucial to the plot of the story, yet I couldn't grasp any of it! When handling quotes, it's always good to indicate who is speaking to help carry your readers through the story.
"Revan, I adore you!" Brianna shouted at last.

Revan turned from her with a stone face, muttering as he escaped her view, "You are nothing to me."
Give the dialogue some possession--let us know what's going on!

I hope earnestly that you keep writing; you certainly have an entrancing way with words (although wordy in some areas, but that's a topic for another time). I'd love to see you improve! Keep going!
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Old 08-30-2010, 05:40 PM   #3
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Revan sama,

Joan Bud is quite right in her critique, but I also admit that when I try to write in French, your native language, it is almost just as awkward. True, I have never tried to write an entire story in French. That is why I applaud you for writing entire stories in English, even though the grammar may not be perfect! This story gave me shivers, because it contrasts Revan's evil with Brianna's goodness in a very visual and mesmerizing (as Joan Bud said) way. Please, keep it up!
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Old 08-31-2010, 10:39 AM   #4
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