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Old 12-12-2011, 02:40 PM   #1
Scorge
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Smuggler's Return [CHAPTER 1]

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away…

STAR WARS
Smuggler’s Return

Plot
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CHAPTER 1

Baron was enjoying himself at the cantina, playing pazzak, ordering drinks, and talking with the other smugglers. Though he felt little pain as if something was going to happen. Soon that pain grew more, and as soon as Baron knew it, an exchange thug came up to him and told him that Cassus wants to see him, Baron replied softly “I have a bad feeling about this”. Baron left the cantina in fear and thought in his head “Whenever Cassus summons me, it’s never good.” Soon Baron was in the exchange base on Nar Shaddaa. The guards let him in the main office to see Cassus. “Hello Baron, I need to ask you something.” Cassus said in a soft voice. Baron thought that Cassus was mad at him, but he was wrong. “I need you to smuggle some valuable cargo from Corellia for me.” Cassus said. “What for?” Baron asked. Cassus replied “That is none of your concern”. “Where is this Cargo located on Corellia?” Baron Asked. “The cargo is located in a small Republic base, somewhere outside the city of Coronet.” Cassus said softly. “In a Republic Base? That is suicide, if they catch me, I’m arrested, and I’m going to blame you.” Baron said. “Relax, you won’t get caught, I’m going to give you a stealth generator so they can’t see you.” Cassus said. “That isn’t enough, their systems can still detect me.” Baron said a bit annoyed. “One of my hacker’s will go with you, he will hack on to that Republic bases’ security system and turn everything off.” Cassus said. “Go to the armory room and take a stealth generator, the hacker will come to you shortly. So for now, this meeting is adjourned.

Baron went to the armory to pick up the stealth generator Cassus is giving him. Once Baron got the generator, a young male twilek came up to him and introduced himself, “Hello, I’m Talgo Safar, and you must be Baron Zalco?“ Baron replied, “Yes, that is me, pleased to meet you, are you the hacker that Cassus sent?” The twilek replied, “Yes, that’s me, when are we exactly leaving for Corellia?” Baron replied again, “Since I just got the stealth generator, we are going right now. Follow me to the ship.” The two men left the base and headed for Baron’s ship “Vulture”. When the two finally entered the ship, Baron went to the cockpit and turned the ship on. The Vulture left the spaceport of Nar Shaddaa and flew to outer space. Baron entered the coordinates for Corellia into the Navicomputer, soon the ship blasted off into hyperspace. Baron still remained questioned, Baron thought again “Why does Cassus need this cargo, is it for money or just a plan to eliminate me?”

In the exchange base on Nar Shaddaa, when Cassus knew for sure that Baron was gone, he smiled and said “Ha, soon Baron will be eliminated.” The guards were wondering what was going on, they wanted to ask Cassus what was going on, but they remained at their posts.


FEEDBACK WOULD BE APPRECIATED

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Old 12-12-2011, 10:34 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrObiWan View Post
FEEDBACK WOULD BE APPRECIATED
The main thing you could do to enhance your story is work on the length. Try to be a little more detailed in your main scenes ( ie. when Baron is talking with Cassus. Add some fluff to thicken it up too, but don't leave the reader bored.

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Old 12-18-2011, 01:54 AM   #3
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