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Old 05-14-2000, 08:52 PM   #1
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Post Tell a Story

Keep all further replies one or two lines, please. Try to keep it realistic as well, and refrain from using refrences to Mr. T, Bill Clinton, McDonalds, etc...

One day Darth Maul was walking down a corridor on his ship when....
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Old 05-15-2000, 12:23 AM   #2
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a gigantic bottle of toothpaste ran up to him and kicked him in the nads....

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special beam cannon FIRE!!!!!!!!

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Old 05-15-2000, 07:15 AM   #3
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...Meanwhile, George the intelligent mailbox had come to an important turning point in his life. No longer happy with having mail shoved down his gullet, then forcibly regurgitated by the disembowelling mail handler, he decided to wreak his vengeance on the next innocent postal patron. With hateful, glowering patience, the demonic mailbox waited until...
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Old 05-15-2000, 07:18 AM   #4
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Spanish hyenas came for dinner.

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"I'm sorry...what was the question?"
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Old 05-15-2000, 07:19 AM   #5
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Red face

Um, Mr. President...that doesn't make any sense, sir.
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Old 05-15-2000, 07:20 AM   #6
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It doesn't?

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Old 05-15-2000, 07:22 AM   #7
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Help! Pink Monkey's arm is stuck in the mailbox!!!
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Old 05-16-2000, 09:21 PM   #8
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Darth Maul fell down the stairs and broke a rib. He screamed.....
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Old 05-17-2000, 03:21 AM   #9
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DESTRUCTO DISC!!!!!!!!!

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Kylilin, Jedi Master

Nice

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Old 05-17-2000, 12:54 PM   #10
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Maul's consciousness slipped away as he succumbed to the overwhelming pain.

Groggy and bruised, the next thing that Darth Maul knew, affectionaly known as Mauly Wauly by his tri-sexual life-partner, was that he'd been forcibly inserted into the anus of a large, sickly Bantha.

Must be some stupid joke by that lunatic bastard, Sidious.

Meanwhile, in orbit above Coruscant, Captain Pancake, of the Republic Cruiser Flatulence, was preparing to break wind...er, rather orbit...


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Old 05-17-2000, 06:57 PM   #11
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Suddenly, George the demonic mailbox burst onto the bridge, scooped the astonished Captain Pancake up in its maw, and noisily devoured him on the spot.

Then George had the temerity to ask for seconds.
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Old 05-17-2000, 07:11 PM   #12
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George was denied seconds and dropped in a bath tub containing Jar Jar.
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Old 05-17-2000, 07:28 PM   #13
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in a devestatingly quick move, lt. chaka khan whipped her satin shawl against george's wooden post. a split-second later, she leapt with lightning-fast speed and hurriedly kicked george over, rushing back to her html editor to complete the chaka's message portion of her website.

meanwhile, as george lay moaning and dented on the floor of the star destroyer, a horrible sound filled his ears...yes, it could only be...

"rockin' in the free world" performed entirely on moog synthesizers!

george was rushed out immediately by loitering paramedics, but that didn't help but contribute to the fact that...
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Old 05-17-2000, 09:24 PM   #14
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Out of no where Darth Sidius appeared on the holo sportin dookie chains and clock necklaces steady rockin the mic:
"Rub a dub dub in the tub...
I put some soap in my tub
for some rub a dub suds.
Whatcha gonna say with my soap in your mouth?"
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Old 05-17-2000, 11:02 PM   #15
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Darth Maul stumbled back in from the holo. For the first time in his life a look of terror registered on his face. Touching the area where he'd broke his rib several years earlier, he said, "My Master, I never......"
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Old 05-18-2000, 02:28 AM   #16
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...thought that this chocolate pudding would taste this good!!! It must be Jello, I love that Bill Cosby. Master, what do you think?....

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Old 05-18-2000, 05:08 AM   #17
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Smile

I like chocolate pudding. They give me medicine in chocolate pudding sometimes. How are you today?

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Old 05-18-2000, 12:58 PM   #18
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"Im not so good" replied Sidious "Its these damn lottery tickets, I didnt get one number right" Maul smirked" youll never win you have to be from Michigan or Iowa when will you learn". Sidious thought about Mauls words and...
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Old 05-18-2000, 04:57 PM   #19
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...then being caught up in the magic of the momment, Sidious gingerly took Maul's face in his hands, looked lovingly into his eyes, and then shot chain lightning directly into Maul's eye sockets - but not enough to damage him - not that there's anything wrong with that.

"Ow...that hurt. I thought you were going to kiss me", pouted Maul.

"My young apprentice, everything is proceeding according to my design", gloated Sidious more to himself than to Maul.

"What the Hell?", thought Maul, confused my Sidious's nonsensical statement. "What do you mean, my master"

"No, it is you, who are mistaken, about a great..many..things!" More self-directed giddiness overflowed from the maniac, Sidious.

Like a space cat pouncing on a space mouse, Maul leisurely checked over his shoulder to investigate the possibility that Sidious might actually be addressing someone else. Someone who might understand just what the hell he was talking about. Nothing but shadows.

Cautiously approaching, Maul demured, "Have I offended thee, my master?".

"Good! Good!, I can feel the hate swelling within you. With each passing momment, you become more and more my servant."

"Seriously, what the hell's wrong with you?", challenged Maul.

Glowering, Sidious turned to take in the defiant Maul, then approached him ever so slowly, until he could smell the putrid, decaying flesh in the teeth of his apprentice. Whispering ominously, Sidious revealed, "For the Jedi, it is time to eat as well..."


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All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players...

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Old 05-18-2000, 05:15 PM   #20
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"Here, would you like a Twix?" asked Sidious, holding up the delicious combination of Caramel, chocolate and biscuit.
"Ooh, thanks!" replied Maul, snatching the treat from his masters' hands. "You know, I've always loved eating chocolate, ever since..."

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Old 05-18-2000, 06:42 PM   #21
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...the 84' olympics. That Mary Lou Rettin can do a cart wheel." daydreams Darth Maul. Then Maul stood up and stormed out the room. Sidious thought "What a wimp, I should have chosen a truly evil apprentice." Sidious ponders "I wonder what Cody Gifford is doing? His evil has no match. I must..."

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Old 05-18-2000, 07:12 PM   #22
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...call mother! she must be worried sick." he promptly summoned the intergalactic communicator, and had a wholesome and thoughtful discussion with his matriarchal predescessor. that is, until...
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Old 05-18-2000, 08:30 PM   #23
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Thumbs up

The entire race of Ewoks flood the star destroyer's bridge, sheer, blinding, intense terror fills the hearts of all of the imperial offeicers taking over the ship!. Wicket unknowingly wanders over to the self-destruct button with a final yub-yub. But then, out of nowhere arrives...
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Old 05-18-2000, 08:41 PM   #24
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LUKE THE WHINING FARM BOY FROM THE FUTURE!!! Darth Maul's lower half flys by his X-Wing
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Old 05-18-2000, 09:01 PM   #25
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Lightbulb

Meanwhile, ten thousand years later and in another part of the galaxy altogether, Snarftwinkle the artificial blue plastic androgyne found itself confronted by yet another social dilemma. The terrorist mopheads were thowing an annual feast honoring the waffle god Bendayho, but Snarftwinkle's obligations from its being a founding member of the Noninterest Society required it to attend a stock meeting.

Despondently, Snarftwinkle kicked open the window and hooted its disapproval at the sun. Offended, the sun decided to...

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Old 05-19-2000, 04:57 AM   #26
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Reward all the people with bananas and bright, pretty birds.

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Old 05-19-2000, 04:58 AM   #27
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Angry

Oh, I absolutely give up...
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Old 05-19-2000, 03:08 PM   #28
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Groggy and drained, Darth Maul awakened from his force-induced slumber. What a jacked-up dream that was. Tenderly, he checked his mid-section to ensure that he was in fact still whole.

"Damn, these recurring dreams where I keep getting cleaved in half!", complained the Apprentice Sith Lord.

But where was he? Instantly, the Sith warrior fled to the shadows to observe his surroundings in safety. He appeared to be in some sort of emmense cavern, pocked with searing lava-pools and suffocating, sulfuric fumes. "Where is the charm of this dismal hole", remarked Maul.

Fed up, he whipped out his secret-decoder Sith Lord communicator, and called out to his master, "Special Sith Lord Agent, Darth Maul, calling Grand Poobah Sith Lord, Dath Sidious, to you read me? Over."

After a slight pause that lingered for somewhere in the vicinity of 31.72 seconds, the familiarly irritated voice of Sidious crackled through the speaker, "Yes, what is it boy?"

"Well..er...funny thing. I seem to be in some sort of...Hell, if you will. I was hoping Your Evilness might send someone to retrieve me, my master"

Cackling laughter was his answer...


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Old 05-19-2000, 04:09 PM   #29
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...and an idea formed on his wrinkled brow.

"I'm sending a package to you by FED-EX, when it arrives call me for further instructions" drooled Sidious.

When the package arrived Maul called on Sidious once more. Sidious ordered Maul to open the package. When the package opened a snowball immediately melted inside.

"Aha! So it is true." prespired Sidious "I knew...

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Old 05-19-2000, 06:02 PM   #30
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Disgusted with the situation, Darth Maul tossed the communicator into a nearby mailbox and wandered off in search of better information.

Before long, he came across Leona Helmsley, Martha Stewart and that annoying guy from the Xerox commercials, all sitting around a card table drinking tea.

"A tea party in hell?" bellowed the spike-faced one.

"Tea?" said Martha Stewart. "This is sand. Have some."

"Have you seen President Clinton around here?"

At that, the devil himself decided to...
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Old 05-19-2000, 08:07 PM   #31
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...smite these pitiful animals with some serious...smiting.

Time paused, nearly imperceptibly, and for that brief momment everything had that wavy appearance, like hot summer heat radiating off of hot permacrete, and then normality resumed...except for that fact that, standing right in front of Darth Maul, Dark Apprentice Lord of the Sith, stood Mr. T. and President Bill Clinton of the United States of America, both holding armfuls of happy meals.

"Who th'fool who ordered all these damn happy meals!?", blurted an understandably disturbed Mr. T.

"I did not order these happy meals, ever", professed the President of the United States of America, William Jefferson Clinton. "But, I share your pain."

"Hah hah hah", relished The Devil Himself, devlishly to himself. "This is...neat."

Head hanging low, disgust smeared all over his face, Secret Special Agent, and Sith Lord in Training, Darth Maul bared his teeth, held out his light saber parallel to the ground, first lighting one end, and then the other, creating quite a dramatic display.

"That is really quite lovely", complimented Martha Stuart. "I believe I could sell quite a few of those...neon broom handles are they?...to that trailer-park-trash that shops at K-Mart. Those fools will buy anything."

Incensed, Covert Sith Learner, Darth Maul...


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All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players...



[This message has been edited by Vagabond (edited May 19, 2000).]
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Old 05-19-2000, 11:57 PM   #32
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...screamed "Have you no DECENCY? How can you do that to your poor K-Mart customers? HOW? Even in the darkest depths of the dark side we cannot find such evil! HOW CAN YOU!?"
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Old 05-20-2000, 03:58 AM   #33
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At that point, Billy Graham walked in wearing only a fetching neon pink maid's apron, carrying a tray of snacks. "Okay, break time! Everyone just cool down."

Supremely confused, Darth Maul sat on his own lightsaber. "A snack break? In hell?"

Leona Helmsley looked at the Sith lord in surprise. "Hell? Why, no...this is just the waiting room for purgatory."

Laughing, the devil pulled a lever, and Darth Maul swiftly fell through a trap door into the real hell: the casino floor of Harvey's in Lake Tahoe, with a convention of gay dwarves in town.

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Old 05-20-2000, 05:21 AM   #34
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Maul, realizing what danger he was in, bolted out the door into another club, the Blue Oyster, in this club he met up with a bunch of his biker buddies from the old days of his riding with the hells angels. He spent the rest of the night dancing away to his favorite showtunes. The next morning he woke up to find....

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Old 05-20-2000, 11:52 AM   #35
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...that he was in a dingy alleyway, his fingernails were a shockingly bright shade of pink, and that a lovely braid pattern had been woven inbetween his horns.
Standing up and dusting himself off, he began to wonder exactly where the hell he was.
Stumbling out of the alleyway, he was stopped in his tracks by a withered old man, who looked strangely familiar. However, Maul could not understand a word this frail figure was saying.
"Wh-who are you? What are you saying?"
Frustrated, Maul reached for his lightstaff, ignited it, and...
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Old 05-21-2000, 02:46 AM   #36
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...as he ignited it the lightstaff turned into a three foot long hotdog with mustard, some red stuff, and relish.

"What the..."
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Old 05-22-2000, 12:08 PM   #37
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...hell?!?!! I didn't order any red stuff on my lightstaff."
So Maul returned to the vendor and complained.
"Whats with this red stuff?" he questioned.
"Eat it, horn boy!!!" replied the vendor.
Maul quivered in his boots and ate the lightstaff then he went skiing, cause skiing is fun.
Maul beamed, "I love skiing, in fact I love it almost as much as..."




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Old 05-22-2000, 06:15 PM   #38
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"...my Dark Lord Mentor, the Illustrious Darth Sidious", sighed Darth Maul. "He's so dreamy."

Once his hormones settled down, Clandestine Junior Sith Lord, Darth Maul set out to wreak some havoc on the pathetic inhabitants of this dreary, yet charming, metropolis. From the looks of it, Maul, supposed he was somewhere in lower-south-side of Imperial City, the bad part of Coruscant. Perfect. He could have his fun with the things that inhabit this place, and the authorities wouldn't be any the wiser.

Retreating to the shadows, Special Sith Student, Darth Maul eyed his first victim: it appeared to be a sentient of the Gungan species, apparently afflicted with some form of mental retardation.

"Ah yes, you shall do nicely", drooled Maul, giddy with anticipation. Sensually, he held out his backup light saber horizontal to the ground, lit one side and then the other, making quite a spectacle of himself, as he so enjoyed doing.

The Gungan, bouncing his way along, obviously lost, suddenly spied the Sith assasin, and abruptly turned and ran himself directly into a corner, after which he fell straight onto his back, looking the evil Sith Trainee right in the face.

Full of hate, Darth Maul, Sith Lord Master Heir-Apparent snarled to his victim, "....."


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VagabondNomad on the Zone...

All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players...



[This message has been edited by Vagabond (edited May 22, 2000).]
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Old 05-22-2000, 11:21 PM   #39
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Then Mario woke up, and it was all a dream!

; L~

"the grass is always greener"
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Old 05-23-2000, 06:03 AM   #40
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Ah, but that was no pipe dream, that. While he was asleep, Yosemite Sam and Mickey Mouse had ripped off his stash!

Enraged, Mario...
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