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Old 02-25-2003, 04:53 PM   #1
Reborn Outcast
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My story (Chapter 1)

Well in another thread I was asked to post my story that I am working on so I thought why not do it now. I have only done Chapter 1 but here it is. COMMENTS AND SUGGESTIONS ARE WELCOME!!!!
THIS IS ONLY A LITTLE PART OF THE FIRST CHAPTER
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 1
Directly ahead, the marble-sized reddish ball blazed, providing an eerie glow to the interior of the ship drifting silently in space. In the void of space, one would not have been able to stare at the star but inside the ship, the intensity levels were well brought down by the viewports’ automatic sunshield protection. One could stare for hours at the star and not even have to avert their eyes. Which is exactly what Admiral Kharn was doing.
“Where did it go wrong Captain?” Kharn snarled, backing away from the viewport and facing the wiry, pale man standing behind him. “Where did it go wrong?” repeated Kharn but this time with a far-off look in his piercing yellow eyes, almost as if he was commanding battles and winning back the glory of the Old Empire. “We had everything perfectly planned and working. Grand Admiral Thrawn, along with his armies, slowly pushing their way deeper and deeper into Rebel territory. The cloaking device and Spartii Cylinders each serving their purpose in the ultimate restoration of the grand Empire. Where did it all go wrong?”
The captain, unsure of whether or not to speak, remained silent and motionless, for fear of turning Kharn’s wrath upon himself.
“Captain Torme, I asked you a question,” Kharn said, his voice like daggers to the ears of the captain.
So much for staying out of it, thought Torme, the perspiration beginning to bead on his forehead. “Sir, I can honestly say that I do not know,” he replied, immediately wincing at the way the words came out.
The bridge went silent, a deadly silence that seemed to chock out all other things there. The bridge crew hardly paid any more attention to it now for it was a common occurrence since the death of Grand Admiral Thrawn. Admiral Kharn had become increasingly moody, with fits of rage and periods of seemingly false cheerfulness. These fits would pass with time however as did a great many other things.
The silence was broken by Torme trying once again, to answer the Admirals question.
“Sir, if I may venture a guess,” said Torme, speaking with a purpose and certain dignity around him. “Perhaps it was Thrawn’s failure to control the Noghri that led to his ultimate and untimely downfall. It was, after all, his personal Noghri bodyguard that assassinated him.”
“Yes Captain that may very well be it,” Kharn said, turning only for the second time from his stance at the bridge’s forward viewport. “Although it could be otherwise. Perhaps it was his attitude or pride that led him directly to and past where Leia Organa Solo was hiding on the Noghri homeworld of Honoghr. She was the focal point of the rebellion by the Noghri that led to Thrawn’s death. She is the one reason that the Rebel Alliance still lives.” Kharn face had the look of a killer etched on it and his hands were closing and opening as if imagining them around Organa Solo’s neck.
“Sir, I agree with you in all aspects of your assessment but there is nothing we can do right now,” Torme spoke. “The Empire is just to weak and the Rebel Alliance is getting stronger everyday from systems that are breaking free from us. Unless a miracle happens there is nothing we can do to stop them… or her,” he added as an afterthought. It had been a bold speech and he just hoped he wouldn’t lose his life for it.
Khard, instead of pressing the button to summon the guards to arrest Torme of high treason for his questioning words, merely laughed. It was a harsh sounding laugh, not meant to be happy but meant to frighten.
Torme was visibly shaken, as Kharm noted. Good, it was just the effect he had wanted. Now was the perfect time to reveal his plans. “But you see Captain, she is not out of our reach. In fact, she is closer than she has ever been to us. No, Captain, we will have her yet,” Kharm sadi, a broad, teethy smile stretching over his face. And once we do, the glory of the Empire will be revealed as we fight our way back to the top, destroying those cursed Rebels along the way. As for now,” he continued, the smile disappearing as quickly as a Jawa after angering a Krayt dragon, “set our course for this location.” Handing a data pad to Torme, Kharn turned away to again face out the viewport.
Torme turned away to deliver the data pad when he caught the coordinates on it. “Sir,” he said, doing a double take and spinning back around. “Wayland? Why would we go there when all that’s left are memories?”
“We are going for one simple reason.” Kharm said, not moving a muscle. “You forget that I had the ear of the Emperor a long time ago and I learned many dark secrets without his knowledge. Grand Admiral Thrawn apparently forgot something deep inside the caverns of Mount Tantiss. Something vitally important. Something that will crush the Rebel Alliance, once and for all.”
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Old 02-25-2003, 04:56 PM   #2
Katarn07
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I suggested it.

This will get moved sadly. I'll read it through and give you some comments.


*** Hey, Reborn. This is good. Physical descriptions couldn't hurt. Dialouge is strong, that's a plus. Keep it up.



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Last edited by Katarn07; 02-26-2003 at 06:08 PM.
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Old 02-25-2003, 05:42 PM   #3
obi
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Old 02-28-2003, 06:55 PM   #4
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Well, not really your grammer persay... alright, you got me, I just wanted to use that pic The main gripe I have is your structure. Please, for the love of all that's good, make PARAGRAPH'S As of right now, it's all one big paragraph. I notice that you've stopped some sentances which is a great start, but you should go that extra step and put a line of space in some spots, that would greatly improve it. And beyond that, one of the most common mistakes that people make in regards to paragraphs, whenever the point of view changes, the paragraph is supposed to as well. When one character stops speaking, and another begins, you should begin a new paragraph. That's the only real problem I see with it.

Katarn_07 has already made a few of the points I was also thinking of. The spelling, punctuation, and plot all seem good though. So good job on that.


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Old 03-02-2003, 08:59 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally posted by Reb Starblazer
Well, not really your grammer persay... alright, you got me, I just wanted to use that pic The main gripe I have is your structure. Please, for the love of all that's good, make PARAGRAPH'S As of right now, it's all one big paragraph. I notice that you've stopped some sentances which is a great start, but you should go that extra step and put a line of space in some spots, that would greatly improve it. And beyond that, one of the most common mistakes that people make in regards to paragraphs, whenever the point of view changes, the paragraph is supposed to as well. When one character stops speaking, and another begins, you should begin a new paragraph. That's the only real problem I see with it.
This was saved in word format and I had paragraphs but when I pasted it onto this, they dont show up. So, yes I do have paragraphs in my Word format.
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Old 03-02-2003, 10:52 AM   #6
Katarn07
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Hmm, I copy/ pasted from Word for my story, and the paragraphs stayed...



Like to read? Like fantasy stories? Like doing people you've never met in person favors? Then read and review my original movie screenplay! You will, you must. It is your destiny....

Check out the best shots of all of my collections along with some of my better attempts at artwork here.
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Old 03-06-2003, 02:02 PM   #7
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I was wondering where you got the name Kharn?

I've seen it in Codex: Chaos Space Marines, but I doubt that that's where you got it.

BTW: The major paragraphs (the ones where you skip a line) stay, but chopping up your story like that makes it look silly and choppy, IMO. The minor paragraphs (the ones Reborn has been using most likely) disappear because this forum is monospace only.

Good story, without tiresome spelling and grammar mistakes. When will it continue?

Have you read Black Library? It has the same style.

Last edited by ShadowTemplar; 03-20-2003 at 03:16 PM.
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Old 03-17-2003, 05:57 PM   #8
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Hey guys sorry for the holdup. I'm putting some touches on the next section, nothing seemed to work out the way I wanted it to for the next part. It'll be up tomorrow.

And Shadow, no I havn't seen Codex, Kharn was just a name that popped into my head.
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